You're beautiful.*

I know you don't see or feel that a lot of the time
You feel like
Starving
Pill popping
***
Blades
Are the only way out of the pain
I can assure you it isn't
Because you're a beautiful person
For being able to endure what you've been through
Still finding friends to love and care for
Expressing yourself in the midst of the pain

Though memories may cause you to fall
You be sure to get up and keep going on
And if you ever need a helping hand
Or just a hug
Remember: *You're still beautiful

And there is the sound I dread to hear:
    Losing the thing I never found.
Seeing love fade to ashes and pebbles,
    Swallowed by a cave, forlorn.
Oh! To never see another sunrise!
    To be at peace with myself.

All of my whimpering cries be ******,
    Turned to a glassy silence, fogged over...

Still at this hour I love you, when sleep removes itself from me.
In the dark I let my mind visit us when we were young, happy, unsoiled by the reality that life would strain and break us.

Early April of 2012 I remember the weekend we spent almost entirely on each other's company. Mostly just talking, knowing each other. Just a few weeks before your birthday and I learned you hated gifts. I miss learning about you. Always missing you.

With all honesty not a day has passed when you haven't come into my mind and heart since we last spoke. Always praying it's not the last time we will have spoken but I know in my heart it is true.

I understand why. But I still love you. And I'm always telling you I'm sorry when we meet in my head. I never wanted to hurt you. Just needed to be needed. I'm a selfish man and I'm sorry I never told you that. I was too young to understand you and too self absorbed to look beyond me.

This is always as far as I get, talking with you in my head. I can neither bear your rejection, nor your forgiveness. So I close my eyes and wish I could hug you. And I start over again...

Still at this hour I love you, when sleep removes itself from me...

I would rather have your heart for just one day
                                  than have a million diamonds and waste away

Deep in me, there's this cardboard box,
It's all closed up, put away in a corner,
And I'm afraid to open it up, show it to you,
Because I put my heart in it, sealed it tightly.

I want you to have it, but you can't yet.
Its a fragile thing, yours is too,
I wouldn't want it to be dropped,
Shattered away. It's already cracked up.

My heart is too big for the box,
Bulging at the top, held down by tape.
But it's starting to bleed through,
I'm worried you'll start to see it.

"I’ll always hate my birthday, because it will always be the day I lost my best friend."


Those were the last words said to you,

Passed from my lips to the phone screen,

I didn’t feel the shotgun in my lap anymore,

Just needed a drink to feel okay, okay, again.



Again you’re on my mind like you’re in my life,

Stuck in my heart between anger and love,

Lost between the past and what was the present,

An ocean apart like the seams of my heart,

Pulled at the frayed prayers I once gave God,

God what have You done. . . ? I blamed You.



I blamed You but I made the choices I did,

Justified, rationalized, sweet white lies,

Honey on my lips laying in my coffin I died,

Me myself I focused always on I, I, I,

Self-centered but she was everything to me,

Why’d she hurt me when I just wanted help?



Take a step out of yourself and see it from her eyes,

You pushed her out it doesn’t have to matter why,

You used to be there for her, now all you do is say “hi”

Ask her how she’s doing but never be in her life,

You just criticized her choice in men,

Never asked if she had a choice,

Never asked if she wanted a choice,

You forced it down her throat all the **** time.



Empathy is your greatest gift but you removed her from it,

Couldn’t take the pain, I understand, but you didn’t walk in her shoes,

You loved her til you bled then didn’t touch her with a ten foot pole.



She needed you in her life,

She took me for granted,

I took her for granted,

I needed her in my life.



If I could have talked to you a week ago I would have told you how much I hated you for what you did.



I wish I could talk to you now, tell you how sorry I am that I let you down, tell you I forgive you, and let you know why I did what I did and ended up where I was at.



I’m sorry I hurt you, I have scars you gave me too. It was something we should have overcame together, we just hurt each other too much.

A day without sleep I finally nap
Awoke at four in the afternoon
And, oh boy, do I need more sleep
As my eyes keep trying to close up
And send me back to violent dreams

Some days I'm finding my heart to be increasingly distanced from my friends and family. I'm feeling so incredibly alone and unable to shake the feeling that I'm not going to find my way out of this maze that is my mind. I mean, most days I'm feeling like my mind is still asleep on my bed and under my sheets.

I'm tired of these trust issues I have slowly tear away at my mind. It makes it hard to open up to people and get the help I know I need but am unwilling to accept... I put my friends through a lot because I'm a total mess inside.

This last year has undone me in ways I didn't even know were possible... I've lost and lost and somehow am still losing more because I'm leaking out of myself as if I'm a broken pipe.

I never expected to struggle with alcoholism. I never expected to not know how to trust my closest friends that have been there for me through thick and thin for years. I don't know how to cope with horrific nightmares, or the paranoia that I'm going to lose somebody else...

All I ever wanted out of this life was for somebody to love. I know I'm a good guy with a lot to offer, but it seems nobody wants that anymore. Maybe everyone is just as ****** up as I am. I don't know.

I just know these empty nights are killing me and empty days are leaving me hopeless. What's a Christian without hope supposed to be? ****...

When I see you down and blue
   all I want to do is hug you.

You feel like you're not worth it
   trust me, you're the ****!

I care about you and love you
   because you're a good person.

I've got your back, I mean it, you're fam
   I got you when people don't give a ****.

Crotchety old men reading year-old,
Newspapers and drinking year-old milk,
Suddenly assailed me for some frothy beer;
Jeering I jest that they don't look their best,
Wearing polka dot vests with feathered *******.
(Get those naughty thoughts out your noggins)

Speaking of noggin, I was jogging
With a porch light up Johnson's Hill,
And a dog dug a jig from a neon sign,
That had velvet written on it,
From a German gnome,
Born from a dwarf!
What a lucky find!

I'll index it next to the index finger,
But first I'll clean it with Windex.

Sleep? Sle3p? Sl33p?

A frosted veil
  with haunting voice
Ice shattered
  raining from skies
A world below
  but I know it not
Starlight above
  a longing for love

My chains are clasped around my wrists
As a bluebird sings me a song
For so long under this tree
I've been imprisoned

The sun has long since bronzed my skin
And my eyes are used to the glare
So many seasons pass me by
Yet time forgets me still

I am friends with the animals passing by
And this tree shelters me through all
But people left me here all alone
The price for my evil crime

I sometimes believe that I deserve this punishment
But truly, this was far too harsh a judgement
My flesh has scarred from the chains
My mind has snapped in two

One should try to glide through life as gently as a canoe;
If one needs to make a splash,
be sure to know where the ripples,
will go.

I made a bed of wrong turns and bad choices
  & blankets of regrets and sorrows
I cry myself to sleep in this livid torment
  & dream whilst never awaking...

Withering weather clouds all of my minds
   of whispering willows and all of my time.
Someone help me of this pain begone
   or forgotten me is forgone already.

A pierced spirit remains
Brought low but prideful
Judgement of myself
Without any self-value

Pangs of hatred stir
And of sorrow lost
Execution of soul
A shell without purpose

How utterly I have been broken
Oh! Faith has been vanquished!
An enemy has ravaged my heart
Decrepit and crippled ruins remain

There is no more hope
I am blind with pain
I no longer know my way
Loss is all there is

I now know what's best;
I don't know what's worse:
The certainty that I love you,
Or the certainty that you can't know.

I know it's what I must do,
You'll never know my affection.
I would've given you the world,
But our story won't be written.

I'm sorry, so sorry...
Love isn't worth it.
These tears...
I'm sorry.

I have a thousand and one
                       questions
yet my words break
              before they speak
they shatter
    but I am never made whole
even when I lay these
     words on the paper canvas
drawing
  captivating with a broken
                              heart

everything feels like its
       a fractal
invisible to the naked eye
               but still existing
       like heat from the sun
wind sailing through the air
it is a broken thing inside me
         this heart
this soul has seen too much
    but the show
                       must go on

I
Will
Take
Your
Nothing
And
Turn
It
To
Your
Everything

my eyes are open
and it hurts
every time I breathe
the air is a little broken
all my emotions
frozen
yet the pain remains
going through the motions
grasping with fingers
gasping for oxygen
a bitter corrosion
the rain comes
falling
I can't hold on
and refuse to
let go

I can no longer write;
My fingertips are lethargic, connected
to a paralyzed heart that wishes to no longer beat;
breathing is too painful to him.

I can no longer pray;
My faith is a stained mess, she has been
circumnavigated by every sin, plagued by depravity and apathy;
breathing is too painful to her.

I can no longer live;
My life is dead, outlined in chalk
Joy left me, love betrayed me, fate destroyed me;
breathing is too painful...

Stop falling
you've been here before
you know it's not worth it
Do you never learn?

I'm losing my focus
so hard to concentrate
my mind is bouncing
like a rubber ball on
glass walls

Everything is weighing on me
like the fact it's been nearly
120 days since I last spoke
to the woman I love without
reservation

Or that I'm struggling
with my close friend
trying to mend the bridge
of the relationship is hard
when she never replies

Or the fact that my addiction
is spiraling out of control
burning me alive and yet
I can't bear to sleep with
a woman since my last

I'm losing sleep even faster
than the US debt is growing
no matter how exhausted i am
I wake up feeling drained
mostly dead

The worst thing about this is
I can't even commit suicide
because I'd rather ****** me
a little each day with the pain
because I hate myself