It means you tried to look pretty for another man. You put on your eyeliner and mascara to attract him, look good for him. You put on a skin tight dress for him. You looked at him in the eyes and let him touch your hands or your back. You sat in the front seat with him and you let him give you flowers. You tried to want him, to love the color of his eyes or to like the shape of his body. You looked at him with lustful eyes without love. For a moment, you even tried to picture him as your husband or to have his child or what his child would look like if it were yours too. You might even have thought of his lips on yours or his body on top. You spoke to him with all the wrong intentions, not for work, not because he lives at your dorm or because you know him a bit, not even because he's just a random friend, but because of all the wrong intentions.

And all this was within 10 days of your drama and now you still have the audacity to tell me all about your loyalty and about how you've been nothing but loyal but if that, you think is loyalty then you don't know half the meaning of that word because loyalty doesn't need to taste other men/women and it sure wouldn't have put him in my shoes. Loyalty wouldn't try to lust over other men like a **** or dress up in **** tight jeans for them. Loyalty wouldn't need a free trial.

And lets flip roles here and say I tried to do what you did and lets say I took a pretty girl with straight hair out for a drive in my car and lets say I used my best perfume to smell nice for her and to want her to want to kiss me and lets say she's been trained to cook the best food and look the best for a husband and she's smart too and lets say that for a moment I try to want myself to want to be her husband and lets say she's more into me than I'll ever be into her and all she wants is to be sitting on my lap but she won't say it and I know her intentions but I take her out anyway and I wear my best button down and I say no to her proposal of getting me into her bed late at night but that doesn't mean I didn't try to want to say yes.

Would you call me "loyal" then if it took me lesser than 2 weeks to **** up a 3 year relationship which was made of so much more than 2 bodies, which was made of two hearts and souls. 10 days isn't enough for "loyalty" to want to move on or to try to. Loyalty is a pledge witnessed by god. Loyalty holds itself up in distance or in despair or in sickness or in misunderstandings and it surely holds itself up much longer than 10 ******* days.

So tell me whatever, tell me you aren't sorry or that you don't want him and you want me or don't want me or tell me about why we will never happen or why we will, tell me of his seven figure salary (and I won't give a ****), tell me his pros and all my cons, tell me how I was never enough or how I was too much, tell me whatever but don't you dare act loyal to make yourself feel better about your selfish **** self by calling it self-love and don't you dare tell me about stories of your loyalty with me because it only takes one to **** it all up and don't you dare disgrace my loyalty to you by ever calling yourself loyal after going out on a date with him.

To you it was always about
how beautiful I find your soul
how much love I give to it
it was always about
how I expressed love
in all the different ways
how much I cared about
the nights you cried
or the days you were happy
how I pampered you
or how I lectured you
it was all about how much
you could take without overflowing
and how much I could give

Love was a one way road for you
a road that didn't bend or curve
where going the other way
was a wrong way
a road with no stop signs
or signals

It was never about
how much love
you could give me back
or how sometimes
you could care about the nights
that were too dark for me
or how some days were just too bright
It was never about
how desirable I was
or how you could show me love
instead of speaking words that were lies
to you
it was about you
and so was it to me

I was finding ways to love you
you were finding more men
who would love you as I did
or ways to love yourself a little more

Love was a one way road
that went your way
and never turned back

I want to ruin you
the way you ruined me
and you know I can
and you know I could
and you know I won't
and you know I didn't

I want to ruin you
because you ruined me
you took away my happiness
my reason to smile
you took away my soul
like the angel of death

you ruined my love
because I gave it all to you
and now I hate love
as much as I hate you
I don't trust love
just like I don't trust you

you ruined my heart
you broke it into pieces
and stepped on every piece
crushing every hope
I ever had
to be whole again

you ruined my life
by stepping into it
and then leaving
and then running back
only to walk away
slower

you ruined me
conquering my mind, body & soul
so much that
your happiness and sadness
became mine
but my inside went numb

you ruined me
worse than
he ruined you

I want to ruin you
but I don't have it
in me
to be as selfish
as heartless
as you

So green eyes was all it took
For you to forget the way I loved
The way I kissed

green eyes was all you needed
To fall for someone else huh
A soft smile and there you go follow

***** it wasn't him with the love
It was me
It wasn't his eyes
That made you love yourself
It was mine

You said 4 years baby
I'm just going to study
"I'm not losing you at any cost"
But there you go follow

29 days and 16 hours
That's all it took you to get over me
Get over my silver necklace
The signs of my love
The marks of us

Didn't take you too long did it

you've left me in sickness
and you've left me in health
you've left me in droughts
and you've left me in rain
you've left me while dying
and you've left me crying

You've left me again and again
and I've stuck by you in times
that you left and those when your
need was a hand to hold and cry
or when you wanted to rip that same skin
in your anxiety & pain

I saw what he did to you
I saw the blackmail
I saw the false pain he painted
I heard his fake screams
and your real ones
and so I wondered

I wondered why
you painted the same pain
with blood and heartbreak
and called me a monster all night
while asking me to help you
these were the same words he used

This was the same pain he gave you
in different ways
with different doses
for different incentives
yet still
the same pain

You'd come back
and I'd believe you to stay
I believed that you would stay
at least for the time you had promised
and its not my fault
if you had promised forever

You'd leave again
like everytime
but I knew you'd come back
like everytime
but this time you say is different
like everytime
and I'm left knowing nothing
like everytime

I had believed my first kiss (you)
would also always be my last
I fought for it to be
maybe I still might
but then how are you so comfortable
kissing lips that aren't mine

You hated your name
perhaps because he told you
that it meant "mine" (his)
But I made you love it
because I showed you its real meaning
The gift from God

Hence I wonder
what makes you hurt me
the way he hurt you
what makes you leave
around every corner
when what is needed is a fight

I am no saint no savior no medic
but I stuck through your nightmares
and I bared the pain you caused
only to sit you down
and stop you from killing
what I had in me for you

But you are My Killer
finding reasons to leave me
ways to hurt me
procedures to rip open
my chest and cut through my heart
that beat with your two syllable name

I still wonder why
and the one reason you offer
is just not strong enough
or good enough
to leave someone in the ways
you left me

I'm no saint
but I've never left you in pain
the way you've always left me

Its raining baby outside
umbrellas wont help you
nor will your tears
surely not your fears

baby girl pack your bags
not more than a single memory
okay just maybe 2
flashlights baby get them too

the wind is mad
its fighting you
don't fight back
just hide yourself

The oceans are marching
with armies of wind
but nations of faith
stand up still

charge up baby
yourself and phones too
stay calm baby
God heard yours and mine too

crackers and cookies
keep them too
mummy and bubby
hug them too

Whistles and voices
Save them too
Keep speaking
Let me hear your noise

Storms may be loud
And oceans may be sound
But none can bring you down
For hope you prevail

This will all pass
I promise you that
like me and you
hurricanes die too

you're sitting so far away
telling me this and that
and I don't know what's true
and what's not
new or old ?
is there really someone new
did you really do this to go and do that
because darling if what I hear
is really true
then home has its doors closed for you

you tell me not to fck with you
and believe what I already know
that in the end its always me & you
but I really don't know anything anymore
and you aren't helping with your
mixed vibes
I've always known for a fact
that its you & me when all this is over
because I know what it feels like
to have found your soulmate
but is all this "new" talk really true
or is it more of your poetic bullcrap

and trust me I'm into neither
but I'd rather have a bitter pill
of truth and death
than one of life and fantasy

all I'm saying is
I'm no 3rd and 5th choice
no half-assed promise
no sugar coated lie
and you know me
and you know what I'm saying
even when I'm not saying it
because I don't got a this or a that
for me
its either this or its that
so stop with your mixed vibes
and tell me what is it
new or old?
and is it really true

The place we stood to take photos
and you shamelessly owned your bright red chappal (slippers)
and I loved it
the place where I loved you
we checked the shades of lipsticks on our hands
love red on your hand and your skin cream on mine
the place where you asked me for a hug
and your mom nearly caught us in the act

This was also the place we shopped for you
where you kissed me inside a cabin in a try room
the same place we had a conversation & cinnabon
while people stared and almost envied you
because of all the love you got from me
where we loved the dazzling blue traditional dress
which was just too expensive
but that didn't stop us from looking

The place where we broke stereotypes
in more ways than one
and I couldn't help but remember how
we both hated shopping
but loved shopping together
how you always picked faster than I did
but i still picked for you
because you liked it better that way

All I could think of were the words
words you had said there then
and I could only ask myself
if you ever meant a single one

"Choose for me"
"Your choice of dress makes my Eid special"
"Kiss me"
"You are my favorite person to shop with"
"Lets do this again soon"
"Thankyou for the beautiful day"
"I love you"

Those words still echo through the walls of that place
and the walls inside my head

echo
Echo
ECHO
LOUD
STOP

I LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT
I FCKING LOVE YOU
YOU SAID THAT

STOP
LOUD
ECHO
Echo
echo

All I can think of are the words
you say now

"I don't even love you anymore"
"I didn't miss you"
"I hope you die"
"I don't want a forever with you"
"I can't commit to you anymore"

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
and I say ghost because you are dead
this person is a shell with no soul
or heart

I am haunted by your ghost
in this city
everything smells of you
and looks like you
and sounds like you

And I am going crazy
in this place
where **we loved

Oh darling of mine

You make promises
you know you can't keep
and don't even realize that
promises aren't to be kept
they are to be fulfilled

Promises aren't to be kept
under your pillow or
under the warm sun's light
they aren't words mumbled
they are taken actions

You'd promise to never
betray nor leave me
when the clouds would roar
of troubles we faced
but I fought the clouds alone

You'd "step out" of my life
telling me to lose all hope
to ever have your love
telling me to die and ease
this world of agony

You'd "step out" of my life
and maybe you wouldn't walk into
someone else's life but didn't you
then walk with someone else to see
how a life without me was all about

Oh darling of mine

You make words seem
like kisses on the beach
when they'd all be thorns
growing out of your skin
not realizing that

Words don't need to soothe
they don't have to comfort
a dead soul in distress
words are supposed to rip a heart out
and stop it from beating lies

You'd talk about never
forging words nor corrupting
truths with lies that were made
ruthlessly of despise
and i saw that in your eyes

You'd say that
"I lied cuz..."
so baby don't you dare
lie over a lie and tell me
stories of how you'd never lie

You'd be writing writes
about the one with green eyes
telling me its all but fiction
with no one in your mind
surely that night i must've been blind

oh darling of mine*

you're hell's fire
that burns my heart
with hurt and desire

you've been a liar
for a time I did not inquire

now toss me once again and burn me alive in hell's fire

We would be in the city of poets
and I'd write my touch on your skin
we may or may not have been on dinner dates
but surely we'd have all 3 meals together
you'd love the poetry I write
and I'd love the miracles of my talent
we'd read the same books
and study together
despite you studying anthro
and me science
but I am sure we'd find some common classes too
or the small gap between them
I'd sneak you into my dorm with my hoodie
or we'd drive off into our forever
one that we dreamed off
one that was a choice
one that you never chose

or maybe not
maybe

We'd be in the city of lights
the city that never sleeps
and I'd pick you up every other morning
and we'd have breakfast at espresso
or we'd sit in my car and have what your mom makes
we may or may not be going to the same college
but that wouldn't stop us from reading the same books
or going to food & book festivals
maybe even debating together in the same tournaments
your mom would have a face to my name
and mine would know who "all this" is about
we would fight but trust me
a kiss would more than suffice
and I'd sneak you out at 2 am
and we'd drive off to a now then
a now with peace & love
a now with your favorite music
a now that you never chose to be

but maybe
just maybe
either way

we'd both be left with a place
we could call home

My love I promise you to give you my everything....my triumphs my failures (more failures than triumphs for now) my life my time my love everything....I promise to always be worthy of your trust and to support you and love you when we face our struggles and our tough times.
Since the day our paths crossed back in 2015.... you've loved me annoyed me frustrated me and challenged me in the best of ways and I promise to always love you and annoy you and even frustrate you and challenge you to be a better version of yourself
And.....
And I do not believe in a lot of things but today I wanna tell you some things I do believe in
I believe in sunrise and sunset
I believe in the rain and sunshine and I believe in beauty of life and nature
And I believe that all these things are so so so much better when you have someone to share them with and I want YOU Minha to be that person in my life and most of all I want ME to be that person in your life
And I swear there are 3 words stronger than I love you
And that is
I choose you
I choose you to love forever
I choose you to share my life
I choose you to grow old with
I choose you to have little babies with
And choose you give you my all
And my all may not be enough
And it may even be less and it may even be bad
But it's my all
My everything

I promise to try to give you my best
And to protect you from the winter cold and even the summer heat
And to love you in and out of bed
And I promise to get you the food of your choice
And the juices you want
And the drinks
And to give you my jacket in the cold

So please be my friend and be my lover

I love you Minha

He don’t wanna love you like I did
He wanna *******
Get you a baby
And give you the American dream

I want to
scratch your name off my mind
forget your hideous face
remove your voice
that echos so loud in my head
forget the feeling of your disgusting skin
and how it felt on mine
forget the filthy lies
that left your tongue
the words you were never held accountable for
forget the curls of your hair
that ripped my skin with softness
your fcking hazel eyes
that were never loyal to the brown in mine
that would always seek blue or green

I want to
rip every ******* memory
of you
from my heart
and then
from my mind
and rip my soul
apart from yours
burn every memory of you
that I have in
letters
pictures
scents
all your fake cunning tactics
to use
and then abuse
burn every part of myself
that you own
the love
the poetry
the letters
the memories
everything

I want amnesia to hit me
and take away all of you
from all of me

Since when ?
Since my skin felt her
touch
or since I brushed her hair
off her face
or since I last heard her soft
innocent voice
or tasted her enchanting
lips
or took her out for breakfast
lunch or dinner
or since our eyes met
and I looked long enough to forget my name
or since she sat in front of a mirror
only to remember my body with hers
or since I was inside of her
and she felt every inch of my manhood
or since she grabbed my manhood
and asked for more
or since she cared
enough to not let go
or since I got her a present
that she actually liked
or since she spoke to me
in something other than words
or listened to what I was saying
in all the silence
or since I carved her name
on my skin with a blade
or since my night was her day
and her day was my night
or since someone surprised her
only to feel **** for what came after
or since I kissed her forehead
to welcome her home
or since I put her to bed
and then to sleep
or since she forgot all of it
and threw me away
or since we shared
dawn & dusk
or since I heard her say
those words that I miss much like her

how long has it been to what
because I can keep this going
and the answer to all of it is
true to be same

long enough for me to be dying
not enough for me to be dead

I'd say baby girl I love you
I'd say baby girl I miss you
I'd say baby girl you can do this
I'd say oh my love
Take care

You are red blue and colorful
with that green hijab of yours
You are ice cream and kulfi
burgers and fries
You are the edges of that pizza
(the extra cheese was mine)
You are journals
and diaries
poetry and prose
mascara and eyeliner
books and novels
gulab jamun and chocolate boxes
music and sunset
tip toes with kisses
hazel eyes
crazy smile
stretch marks (tiger of mine)
you are apologies and cries
sad and destroyed
warm and silent
hurt
you are hurt too

you are all of my time
either 2 hours ahead or 12 behind
you are more than a memory
forever of mine
perhaps I will always be in love
with the thought of you being mine

The voices in my head are getting so loud. They want me to jump off the ******* building or electrocute myself or shoot myself or jump in front of a car. They are thoughts of you and memories which I can't live without. Memories I don't want to live without but I only want these memories if I have you. Long distance is hard, it kills and you fight a lot but when you love, you love a lot more. I saw pictures of you with other men (men not man) and you already know how I feel about that. You already know I hate that. Those ******* pictures make me bitter about you but my heart, oh my heart just wants to embrace you and love you. I remember how you sat me down and promised that this will never happen again and it did. I remember how you called me one night and promised me that wont happen but that did too. You broke your promise, your commitment and my trust too. Speaking of that picture again (I just can't get it out of my head), you had said the night before that you will only hang out with your girlfriends and you'll keep your distance from those boys but well you couldn't keep that word either and then you didn't even tell me about how you sat with that boy (whose name rhymes with cheese) and watched the concert at the beach while I was unaware, missing you because I had a surprise news for you. I never gave you that news and I guess you will never know now that you aren't here. I never asked for too much. Just the simple stuff and that was my right too and you know I was right too. Just asked for you to not expose your curves, to stay simple, to not get pictures like that (the one mentioned above, still can't get over it), not to be in a situation that leads to pictures like that & to not break your promises. Tell me was that too much. You said I was insecure and maybe I sound like it too and maybe to some extent I am insecure because I didn't want to lose you and I couldn't bare see your name or you besides another man, but was that too much to ask for. Because that was all I asked for. Can someone please hit my head with a baseball bat and make me forget everything including my name or who I am. Because I want all this to end. Oh I want all this to end. And I know you will be back again like every time but you will continue on this path of broken promises and false commitments mixed with your ******* lies. Hope. Hope though is a ***** that makes you believe it won't (or will) happen when you know that it will. And I know it will.

Are you even aware of all the pain
you caused me every single time ?

A short mail with a sorry at the end
You think that compensates
for all the pain you caused
or even that which you caused
with your short mail

Didn't you just want "space"
I wasn't even ready
you showed me a world
where we were about to fly
and threw me down from the 7th sky

Hours turned into days
but for once
I didn't see days even turn to weeks
or weeks into months
months of forever

Do you even know the feeling
when you love a person
and care about them so much and miss
so much that they become a part of
your very existence

Do you even know the feeling
of loving a person so much
with your heart and soul
that you lose your mind
missing them

Perhaps you may or may not know that
but there is something you surely
do not know
The feeling when that very person
walks all over you heartlessly

I took your word
when you said
this was just space you needed
it wasn't supposed to be a setup
to fck me over

Perhaps for you this is a game
all just a measure of pain
to see how much it takes
for my skin to tear apart and
for me to bleed out of my eyes

You don't even know what its like
when your soul is being ******
out of your body
yet the only name you can still think of
is of the one you love
and they still choose to walk all over
your dying breaths

fck your sorry
and fck you

Was losing everything
my past, present & future

I lost our to be
seeing you wear that special dress; the color of which I'll never find out
Hearing about your little sister make it big in college
Taking our families out together
Buying our first house
Showing your dad how to make real French toasts
Drinking the tea your mom makes
Or the muffins your sister would make at Noor's birthday
Our Noor
Raising her
Loving her
Loving you

baby i found myself
when I found you

*I've lost myself, finding you again

you are
a curse
the source of all pain
the root of all suffering
the end of all beginning

you are
what causes
my heart to bleed
my happiness to recede
havoc to wreak

you are
what brings
death to life
darkness to light
disdain to love

you are
what feeds
the fire of my desire
the burn of my wounds
the anxiety of my soul

you are
the Devil's *****
the Reaper's *****
the Satan's ****

you are
malice in ones heart
intoxicant between ones lips
narcissist stuck between two selves
hell between me & heaven
abuse I could never endure

MIND:

she won't fight for you
like you did
like you would
she won't sacrifice her months
or weeks
or days for that matter
to show you her love
she will disappear again
you're just her summer darling
and she'll leave you again
until the cold winds of winter arrive
and freeze her heart
and she'll ask you
to provide her warmth
and you'll be left to die
cold & frozen
she won't give you the love
you deserve
and happiness will still be
an imagination
that you will not be able to fathom
when next summer arrives
she'll be somewhere faraway
talking about her love of you
while giving you none
you'll trust her again
and she'll find new ways
to break it
and it will be worse than before
this isn't her first time
and surely it won't be her last
devils only change their skins
to ruin you in new ways

HEART:

But what if she has changed

Losing someone
To death or
To distance

Loving someone
To death or
To life

when you love them so much
that you see the future in their eyes
and in the future you see a forever
with them

when you love them so much
that you want to drink
from their cup
so you can taste their lips

when you love them so much
that you want them
to eat before you do
because filling them fills you

when you love them so much
that every moment spent
without them
is like missing a limb

when you love them so much
that you fear
that one day you'll lose them
to fate or to life

when you love them so much
that their happiness
is the only thing
that makes you happy

when you love someone so much

how can you leave them
somewhere
in the middle of
life & death

one night
the other day

one dark
the other light

one cold
the other warm

.the sun & the moon fell in love.

they couldn't kiss
nor meet

they couldn't touch
nor speak

they peeked at each other
from a distance, so havoc won't wreak

they lived for a promise
that when life decides to compromise

.they too shall meet.

for the first time
and last

while stars conspire
and worlds collide

.they lived apart only to die together.

I know what you call heartbreak
I know the secrets of your body*

your body breaks more than your heart
you want to fall down
let go of your two feet
stay in bed let your eyes weep
growling stomach - hunger but oh
you can't eat
you forget
you forget that you did this to yourself

your body is tired
its tired of missing a heart
and it seeks a break
from none but you
not all sickness is a mental illness
it just wants you to know
you forget that your period
isn't due in ten days, its due in two
and your body longs for someone
who can just remember that for you

where will you find another one like me

love is a knife with two blades
it is to be held by two
and both bleed
but they either both live
or one pushes it enough to **** the other

so yes there is a lot of pain in your heart
I've made my share of mistakes
but you know as much as I do
that in this law of the universe
one has to outweigh the other

and after that
my pain outweighs yours
you know that it does too
we could've been even
until you did that

darling don't you see
three years outweigh three days
specially when you know what's between
is what's true
so why'd you even try to try something new

darling, you say it was okay though
because it was over
and I can't help but think how
how can something worth 3 years
be "over" in 3 days for you

and how did you not know this
before you went out and did that
because no matter what bad I did
it wasn't enough for me to deserve that
the extra push of the knife to **** me

I'm not the type to get over it
and all you want from me is to
forget you ever did that
or to justify it one way
or some other

every conversation
every sentence
every word
I utter to you
will have traces of disloyalty

I ask love
why'd you tear the flesh off my bones ?
why'd you push the knife through my heart ?

love was silent
love was guilty
love was everything
but she was blind

If you were me
you'd hate you too
for the broken promises
false words
fake tries
true lies

you'd hate yourself too
because you're the most selfish
that a person can ever be
you pick people out
just to use them and keep them
keep them till they tell you who you are
and then you throw them

you'd hate yourself too
because no sane man or woman
loses their mind like you do
***** you are crazy
its either the chemicals in your brain
or past pain but whatever it is
it has nothing to do with me

you'd hate yourself too
because you take a 180 flip
you’d say you love me
and then you won’t
you’d want to marry me
and the next moment
you’d want to fck a white boy

you’d hate yourself too
because you’d see the pure evil
behind the fake innocence
the devil behind that fake smile
the selfish ***** acting all selfless and kind
the liar making promises
promises she never intends to keep

you’d hate yourself too
because you’d see the girl I loved
and how that girl kicked me and killed me
again and again and again and again
in so many different ways
for reasons unjust
for self satisfication

you’d hate yourself
down to your very core
even if I never could

I never trusted them
to love you like I would
or to keep you safe
the way I would
or to protect you
like I did
or to put you to sleep
in all the chaos
or to sweep you off your feet
with the same speed
or to walk on the road besides you
and keep you on the side walk

but I trusted you
to stay true to me
to keep your soul
more than your body
all for me

but I trusted you
to keep my trust
safe under your pillow
or in the tiny box I gave you
with your name engraved on it

but trust you see
can not replenish
nor can it deplete
it either is
or it isn’t

now tell me
do you deserve
for me to hand you something
that I already gave to you
and you lost it

you either forgot it at your dorm
or left it in his car
maybe it slipped outside your purse
as you walked into that restaurant with him
maybe its somewhere under his bed sheets

you lost it
and you won't find it
in your bedside drawer
or your old cupboard
or under the dusty carpets

maybe one day
when you're cleaning your room
you'll come across its remains
and understand
the true worth of what you lost

when you lost my trust ...

Her mouth muttering knives
Her lips uttering despise

She has a memory so temporary
That her hate becomes permanent

Forgetting
The heart she heard beating for her
The soul fulfilling her emptiness
The mind that filled her with ideas

Remembering
The fight about that boy on the beach
The quarrel over that phone call
The skirmish about her revealing dress  

How could you but
Remove the reminiscence of memories

Memories of events...
That'll last a lifetime

No matter how good
Or bad the lifetime is

Bitterness is a *****
Much like her