Her mouth muttering knives
Her lips uttering despise

She has a memory so temporary
That her hate becomes permanent

Forgetting
The heart she heard beating for her
The soul fulfilling her emptiness
The mind that filled her with ideas

Remembering
The fight about that boy on the beach
The quarrel over that phone call
The skirmish about her revealing dress  

How could you but
Remove the reminiscence of memories

Memories of events...
That'll last a lifetime

No matter how good
Or bad the lifetime is

Bitterness is a *****
Much like her

5 foot 8
is what I'd tell her
5'7
she'd always argue
she'd add an inch to her height
5'3 (5'2)
and decrease one from mine
just to overcome the distance
between our lips
to make it easier for her
to climb up to my lips
and kiss
and don't get me wrong
I'm no anti-feminist
"making my girl do all the work"
I'd offer to get low
but she just liked her standards high
(I guess somethings are just
worth fighting for a little harder)
that said
I had my reasons
to maintain the 5'2 argument
you see
she is a small girl
with a big attitude
and I just liked the way
how she'd have to
look up into my eyes
to see where my lips are
and she'd look away right away
and I'd have to ****** her
with my kisses
to get a look of the galaxies in those eyes
(I guess somethings are just
worth fighting for a little harder)

When you left me over a phone call that lasted a minute and a half
I should've known our fate then
when you said you wanted a second third fourth fifth chance
I should've said no

When you texted me tonight asking me to see your make-up
I should've said no
because all I can think of
apart from your gorgeous eyes
and your pink cheeks
and your chapped lips
is that
he will see you today
and he will remember
that you did it for him
that maybe you chose his favorite colour
or you put on his favorite perfume
he will remember that scent on you
from that one friday
the one day which was the best of his life
maybe he waits every friday to see you

you say you did it for you
but you did it for him way before you did it for you
you gave a part of you to him
a part that you'd only given to me
and it took you a day to bedazzle yourself for him
and you didn't even know him

he met you on a friday
or so I think
but he sees you every now and often
and he will forever remember
that you did this for him
what today you say
you're doing for yourself
but he won't know that
to him
its still like that past friday

I love you but
I really wish I could but
I miss you but
I do care but
I didn’t want to hurt you but

All the buts you’ve ever said
Will turn to all the things
You’ll regret when you’re old and dying

I miss you
I know you do too
but i am going crazy
those 7 seconds
or so it seemed
was that the last time
was that it
will i never see you again
Those sparkling hazel eyes
The red with the black
But you looked
you looked at me with repulsive eyes
why
WHY
it was the last time
then what is the repulsiveness for
where is all your love

"I love you" my last words to you
"Thankyou" yours

Is that befitting
does that do justice to us

Not all puzzles are made
to be solved
not all
have a solution
some too easy
others too complicated

But jig-saws like her
you can't solve those
and you better not try
that is unless
you want to be
blamed
for the chaos you find
in each solution

Oh and the chaos in her voice
i was a boys who....
correction
i was the only boy
who found
peace in her chaos
and
love in that peace

Her voice was fire
blazing
burning
crackling
loud
clear
yet soft

That was when
the beauty of her noise
first rained on my dry heart
till
the time she walked away
her last words unclear
but her voice
still strikes me
days and nights

her voice
is blessing
still is for those who receive it
it's disappearance
a true curse it has proven to be

A mere few days
And we had almost
Gotten back together

I got you a present
And you saw our future
But I guess love much like you
Is not that simple
It’ll show you the best
And give you the worse
When you least expect it

And so it was
When you confessed
To your lies
And broke me once again

But this isn’t about me
Or my heart that you broke
Or my souls that you consumed
Or my mind that you poisoned

This is about you
And your blatant lies
The ones you fed me with love
For breakfast lunch and dinner

This is about how I trusted you
Blindly and unconditionally
If the words came from you
They were default correct for me

This is about how you had no guilt
As you pretended
To be someone you’re not
And showed me a you
That didn’t even exist

And I don’t want the you
That exists

The you that exists is a liar
The you that’s real is a cheat

But look at my misery
I say
i love you
When I don’t even know **you

You said there is nothing
not distance
not time
not sacrifice
not even love
between me & you
as you turned your back on me
and walked far far away
further than I could see you
(I still see you when I close my eyes)
further than I could hear you
(I still hear you call my name)
I ask
what is this then
this strong pull
that brings you back to me
and me back to you
is this not the universe conspiring
is this not the sun kissing the moon
is this not the stars whispering
if me & you were never meant to be
if me & you are never meant to be
if "I" is not meant to be with "U"
then what is putting us back together
like pieces of a broken heart
then why are all my dreams about you
and trust me I have nightmares too
but they too are all about you
tell me why
do you do this
only to do that
and why
is there nothing
yet everything between me & you
why is it so ******* easy to love you
when I have all the reasons to hate you

if god never meant for us
to be together
then why
did he put "this"
between us
and more importantly
what the **** is "this" .

i've always provided you
with something better
so if you ask for silence
watch me give you
something greater

the losing will be yours
and in the end it'll just
be me & you
who'll both be lost

Being so close yet further than we were in distance

2. I know it's your sale on Saturday which I was waiting to be a part of for a year now but now I won't even know about it or how many cupcakes you'll make or how they tasted

3. I know things might get ok soon...they always do but until they don't...I'm aware of the bitter things that'll grow in your heart

4. You won't even show up to see me even if it's the last time

5. I'll regret the decision I made that night even though I didn't mean it and it wasn't such a big deal so the chaos after that will never make sense

6. It kills me more to know that you'll regret the decision you made that night even more and the one you made next morning too.

7. You'll never consider the amount of effort I put to bring you back....you might never understand how much I tried

8. Knowing that in 5 days 3 people would've left you and 1 of them is me and I'm the the only one who you actually kicked out of your life too... 5 3 1 ...I know you hate odd numbers

9. I might have to spend a lifetime waiting for you and waiting to find out why you were so excited about the gifts you got me which I ofcourse never received and you threw some of the things away too

10. You might make another very hasty decision that will **** you later as much as it'll **** me now and I can't do anything but hope for you to be patient and not leave earlier

11. I love the memories and the memoirs but they'll eventually **** me if this is how it is to end.

12. We might never share the same bed wrapped in each other's arms shaking in pleasure and that is something I can't have with anyone but you

13. The fact that last night I had enough in me to put my dad's gun to my head and eventually pull the trigger too....only to hear the clack of an empty gun and I can't stop but wish it had a bullet and hope that maybe next time it will

I first loved your naked soul
it wasn't about your body
it was just how your soul
made love to mine

and somewhere in time
i ****** up
and you ****** up too
and we can argue all day
about who ****** up more
who left who

but in the end
none of that matters
because i am not perfect
nor are you flawless
but few things i can etch on a stone

I've sipped away your tears
and kissed your scars
I've made love to your heart
long before i touched your body
I have been loyal to you
during your presence and in your absence too
I remain incapable of ever lying to you
I kept you warm when I myself was cold
I put down my guard when you needed someone to hit
I refuse to see a face not yours
Or touch a body that doesn't belong to your soul
I have loved you with my existence
I shared your worst nights
I accepted your worst thoughts
I never left you ever
In good time or bad
I stuck by you
And I continue to do so
Even while you are gone

You used to say
remind me of us when I forget

So baby remember
we are two unique souls
Who only fit in eachother
No thing and no one else
Can satisfy us but you and me
Together

You can hate me
Call me a coward
Or a cheat

But you know better
That I'm none of that
And you can't hate me

There's too much love between us
For either of us to hate each other
There are way too many chocolate boxes
And colourful envelops
And way too many kisses
To even try getting over
You're wearing my t-shirt as you read this
I hold the keychain which you marked with our love, as I write

So we can waste our time trying to hate
Trying so hard to fail this
But your heart belongs to me
And mine you've already taken with you

And yes
I hurt you
Like you hurt me
But you see
When you are extra careful
With a glass artifact
Much like you
Then sometimes you tip over
And the glass cracks a bit
But you break a bone saving it

I'm cold
And much like you
I also do not have anyone
To provide warmth and love
But unlike me
You can count on my soul
To leave behind traces of love
For you to gather
As you move ahead in time
And still remain 12 hours behind

For the last time
in forever
i tasted a memory
of us
for the final time

the odd ice-cream flavors
we made over phone calls
and i would get them
straight to your house
the very next afternoon

perhaps you have forgotten
its taste
perhaps you have forgotten
the taste of my lips
with odd tasting ice cream

well nonetheless
i tasted it one last time
and it was intoxicating
more than any wine or *****
it hurt a little too

maybe because i couldn't taste
your lips with it
or touch your cheeks
or call you mine
while i claimed this flavor to be ours

**** 'ours'
nothing is 'ours'
and what the **** was
this word called 'us'
you had me thinking it meant 'infinite'

only the red and black
that you wore that night
has etched itself
in my memory
for infinite

also that smile
that voice
oh and the way you looked
straight in my eyes
and how it was so easy for you to say your byes

perhaps i wasn't black enough
or maybe i wasn't popular
enough to be called a celebrity
or enough
to make you stay

it hurts oh ****
the remnants of that night
in the flavors of almonds
and strawberries
straight from your lips

and in black & white
pictures of you and me
dancing the night away
under dim lights and
bright love

well how sad
this was the last sip of the 32nd flavor
and never again will this be
for there never will be an 'us'
which ever again means **'infinite'

From all of this
From all of that
I want nothing from you
But just one more memory

One that I can hang on to
One that I can live off
One that I can cry about

One that helps me wait for you
One that helps me love you
One that helps me miss you

One where we talk
One where we share food
One where we just love

And that's it

Something that I can hang on to
For the rest of my life

And if you can't give me that
Then something I can hang on to
For the next 4 years

And if you can't give me that
Then something I can hang on to
For the next few month

But give me something
To hang on to
To miss you off of
To love you off of
To hope of us off
To survive

Because without you
I can merely be alive
And I'd rather just survive

you asked with silence
"so now what"
and i said
nothing
you asked again
"its over?"
and i still said
nothing

you see its not that easy
and its not that fair
to run back and away
in the same breath
while still crazy
and madly
in love and well
i hate to admit it too
but what do i do
when its true
but unlike you
i can't be untrue
to you or myself

so to answer your
queries more explicitly
though silence is an answer too
but rather unclear
and i speak from experience
and i speak from my heart
and maybe that makes
me a fool of all sorts
and this write is a
foolish act of love too
but haven't i always
been an idiot of sorts
only for you

and so here i go
telling you that if
you are to ever see
our future
the one you dream of
or think about
much like me
and if you really
understand this part of
me

then will you vow
(i don't want a promise)
to never speak false
words that lie
and will you vow
to correct all that
which you lied about
or does it matter to you
so much more
and i could go on and on
but bitterness has been
put aside
for this write
so tell me
will you vow
to never ever walk away
the way you always have
telling me to lose all hope
and going off to a place
you know too far away
from me

will you commit
to gaining back
the trust you lost

and you see
this isn't a lot
this isn't unfair
and this
is
not
negotiable
or a negotiation

these are simple pacts
i've kept to myself
for you
but you lost track
of ones you gave
to me

there's not much time
for you to decide
i've asked for 3 things
and i won't wait long
darling
i'll soon disappear
into the darkness of the night
and the light of the day
and there will then be no way

but here's an answer
it isn't over everyday
and "is it over" shouldn't
be the first question
on our minds
ever
it wasn't on mine
so look up and look out

this really may be
the last time
because from here on
it'll all be silence

i've taken my time
and spoken
and i will not be broken
and from now on
my silence will reply to all
your questions

with blood-stained arms
ink-stained fingers
tear-stained face

my scarred skin asks
do you still
write for me

you say you have all the answers
that you had all the right reasons
to leave me stranded
that you had no choice
maybe even that it was all me
that it was all my fault

but you don't know ****
you just want to validate
yourself for invalidating me
you just want to prove
that in this struggle for love
you were the victim

but you don't know ****
victims aren't the ones walking away
or the ones behind the bullet
or words
victims don't play with feelings
victims don't break hearts or **** souls

your only answer is to prove
how you had your reasons
but your reasons don't justify
a ****** of sorts
or playing me and leaving me to die
or telling me you love me
only to prove it a lie

write me a text I'll never read
send me a pic I'll never see
call me 243 times and it won't go through
email me and I won't respond

do it all because
I've sent unanswered letters
and I've made unanswered calls
and I've sent unread texts & emails
to you

and you are yet to know
how it feels
to be me
with you

you'll find someone
but none like me
you'll try to find my love
and you'll look into his eyes
and only remember the way
I looked at you
with so much more than 'love'
with passion, desire & pride
you'll feel his heart beat in his chest
and maybe you'll feel safe
but you won't feel home
you'll long for the way
I kissed you
and how I never bored you
of life
and
of us
every time he calls your name
you'll hear my voice in the background
but you won't see me

you'll find men
ready to undress you
but how many will
put clothes back on your body
when they are done

you'll find men
who want to touch your skin
for their pleasure
but none will ever
want your soul

you'll find someone to love you
but honey
no one
NO ONE
N O  O N E
can love you half the way I did

you'll hear his heart beat
but you won't hear the two syllables
of your name engraved
in the rhythm of those beats
the way my heart's purpose
was to love you with
every breath of life

you'll put your head on his chest
but you won't hear your name
and darling
that's when you'll realize
what you've lost

I'm both those men in your poem
The one that puts you in his arms
And the one who loved/lost you

Cuz I am sure that
You can not and will not
Find a man
Any man
With as loyal a set of arms as mine
With as safe a set of arms as mine

And I may frustrate you
I truly must have
I'm crazy
But the way I loved
Oh the way I loved

Who has ever shown you love
Like that
The way I have

No man's arms will ever suffice
After these ones right here

You can pick the million bads
In me
and hate me for it
Bitterness we call it

But don't you dare forget
The billion goods that turned
Into love and love me for it
Memories we call it

Oh what's that
You're running away??
From who
The person who was your home
From love itself as you knew of it

How far will you get running
Until you forget the way back
And then you'll panic
Cuz there will be no way left

love doesn't hurt
love didn't hurt
love doesn't break bones
or slit throats
love removed all your past pain
and gave me a life in you

so don't you dare blame
the one thing
that puts life into life itself
and makes a flower
feel like a garden
for your own shortcomings

the pain wasn't love
the pain was you taking love away
over and over again
for different reasons everytime
most of which didn't have anything
to do with love but were your own dilemmas

love didn't hurt nor ****
you did
forgetting that in order to keep love
one must love back with persistence
compromise & commit
those form a base for love to grow

perhaps I can do nothing
except wish that
one of the two didn't happen
either i never saw you
or you never left
all the times you did

These were the sacred words
Be mine baby all mine
As I kissed you
As I loved you
Be mine baby just mine
It's a wish
It's a request
Be mine baby girl
I'm asking you to stay
I'm asking you for trust
Be my love baby girl
I'll make you my life
I'll make you my wife

Oh but look at you
You wanted that other one
That other guy
While I was here
Giving you myself
You were busy
Making him yours
Looking at a face not mine
Looking at a body not mine
Looking for love not mine

******* baby girl
For this is what you made of us
For this is what you did for us
Get the **** out
Ask him for love
And see for yourself
Can he love half of mine
Will he even ask you
To "be mine"

three years
and now apart
in this month of this year

praying & fasting
together for one another
I'd complete your missed

the month you left
and the month I came home
only to live a little more
with you

and that Eid that followed
the Eid that always followed
lets not talk about it
or how we matched our colors
except for when you wore yellow

the nights were always
longer than the days for me
but the days stretched
for you

lets **** the days waiting for dusk
lets **** the nights waiting for dawn

I hate you

for your selfish actions
for your countless lies
for the nights with no stars
for the darkness in the light
for the death in life
for the life in death
for leaving
for then staying
for then staying to leave
for the silent
for the silence too loud
for the tone you used
for the music you ruined
for your broken promises
for my broken heart
for all that was fake

for my own sake

I say
I hate you
so that maybe one day
I just may

I wish you really ran to me
The way you used to
When all crashed
And all was broken

I wish you run to me still
The way you write you want to
Because all is breaking
Once again
Including 'us'

I wish that poem was actually for me
But I know it's not
Because if anything
You're running everywhere
But to me

what’s new now
will sometime also be old

will you then seek something new
again....
or come back to the old old

Is this what it has come to
You and me....us
Now you label me a "previous"

You see baby the thing is
When there is a previous
There are doors open for a next

And although I am aware of you
I'm aware there can't be a next
It hurts to be thrown back

Thrown back into your past
All the way from forever infinity
To a petty "previous"

Sing Oh boy  Sing
The melody is sad
The pitch feels low
The tempo is down
And your heart beat's high

Sing Sing Sing
The birds are quiet
The waves silent
The wind is soft
Oh You are sound

Sing Sing Sing
The words beg you for life
The notes beg your emotion

Oh boy
Knit life out of voice
This dark night  begs
Sing Sing Sing

I left you whilst still in love
because you didn't want to walk
you wanted to run
to your dreams
and you felt you couldn't run
and love at the same time
you only wanted to love yourself
because you couldn't afford to love me
and so I let you fly

you left me whilst still in love
asking for our old photographs & memories
and telling me you love me (liar)
and that your heart longs for me
but your mind doesn't want me
because you can't want me from afar
you didn't want to hurt me
but you said you had no choice
and so you let me die

So last night
My mind was littered
With thoughts about you
And my sleep suffered
As it always does
Shouldn't you be jetlagging
Then why am I the one
Who can't sleep
I fell asleep at 5 a.m
And dreamt about you

Even when I'm asleep
Your thoughts won't go away
Well
I called you
In my dream ofcourse
And you picked up
I was once again blessed
With your voice
You weren't too nice in your tone
Slightly mad
Perhaps I shouldn't have called
I kept repeating
"How are you "
"Take care of yourself I miss you"
You wouldn't say a word
And so I said
"Alright I'm going now"
And as I cut the call
I heard you say
"Stay"

And so I called you back
You were crying
Hurting
Missing me too maybe
But then you spoke back
I told you even in my dream
To come back to me
A little sooner
And in that moment
In my dream
I even stole a glimpse of you
Hazel eyes
Oh those ******* hazel eyes
I wish I'd never wake up
I wish I'd have died in that sleep

You told me
you were going to sleep
And that was when I said
I'm just waking up
Yes I keep track of time
The hours ahead and behind
You put down the phone
And then
I saw in my dream
That you hid your pain
You cried
with heaviness in your heart
Did you miss me?
I do not know
But you cried
And when your mom came
You rubbed your eyes
With your soft hands
Put a straight face up
And just stopped
Just stopped crying