I believe in love
I just don’t believe
It will ever choose
To come for me
And if it should
I'll push it away
Because for reasons
I don’t understand
I hate who I am
Whoever I am

Do you know
What makes you feel
That beautiful, lovely sensation
Something dripping
With sadness and bliss
And you know it just
Hurts so kindly
So strongly
That at least you know
You're still alive?

One day
I'll be free
Of all my chains
Of everything you did
To hold me down
All the pain you caused me
Everything you did
Because you were so afraid
Of what I could do
If I could flourish
If I thrived
You would lose
And that scared you didn't it?
Don't worry
I'll be free

I drank a slushee
Now my insides are colder
Than my outsides are

Is this how life is going to be?
Am I just going to be hurt over and over again?
Am I going to watch everyone I love leave me?
Am I always going to be restless and lonely?

I don't know if I can survive another blow
I've been wounded again and again
Life's punching bag
And every time I've started to heal
Every time I find something safe
It's torn away from me
Stolen from my grasp
Leaving me more damaged
More traumatized

I'm in this endless cycle
And if this is what life is like
I want no part in it

trigger warning: suicide


I’m losing my mind
And I can ******* feel it
Darkness
Emptiness
Craziness
Insanity
It’s setting in
It’s settling in
Fast.
I won’t be able to fight it
Not this time
I’m getting closer
I’m losing my grip
It’s getting real
And I might just do it
I might just take my life
I’m done with it
But I can’t
I can’t do it
I just... I just want to
I want to give up
I want to surrender

So, I keep on breathing
Because I know
That one day
I will be better
I will be glad
That I am alive

They say to me
This is the day
Created by my Lord
It is a gift
From the Most High

But this day
It feels like a burden
It feels broken
I want to return it
Because this day
This is where I am
Depressed
Anxious
Ill
Tired
Terrified
Ugly
This is when I weep

I don’t mean to be ungrateful
I’m just a confused child
I’m so lost
I’m so tired
And so broken
And I just don’t know
What to do with
This day

I'm running from the pain
Always have been
The problem is
You can't outrun
Yourself

I don’t have friends
I have people who’ve
Forgotten
Abandoned
Disappeared
But friends?
No.
Apparently I’m not worthy
I’m fundamentally flawed
Desperate to feel cared about
Yet repulsive to those who’d care

Why
the hell
do we try so hard
to maintain all these
airs?

Life could be so much
more real
more honest
less empty
if we could look at
each other
and honestly reply
to the question
"How are you today?"

But no one has the time.
And they really don't care.

It plagues our species
It ravages minds
It crushes our spirits
And conscience it blinds

A strange illness
It certainly is
For it convinces its host
It's living in bliss

All flesh is infected
Man, woman, and child
Yet from our sick bodies
It's rarely exiled

While in these bodies
We remain
Constantly fighting
To become sane

No cure can exist
Short of leaving this earth
But a treatment, perhaps
Could provide a rebirth

I know what it is
I know how to take it
But while I am sick
I want to forsake it

My illness draws
Over my eyes
A cover of wonder
A cloak of disguise

So, you see
While under its influence
Its power over me
Remains inconspicuous

The Human Disease
Is unlike any other
It will make you want more
To be sick forever

But a sickness, it is
So somehow we struggle
To distance ourselves
From all of its trouble

Never will we win
But success isn't the goal
We just want to die
Knowing we were whole

When I get bored
I don't play games
I don't do work
I use my brains

But not for good
Just like I should
Instead I wander
And life, I ponder

When I get bored
I want to play
In places dark
Deep, awful, strange

I let my thoughts
Consume me whole
And start a fire
Inside my soul

I like its thrill
Its toxic rush
Within this mind
My own chaos

Trigger warning: Suicide


What’s it like
To want to live?
To fall asleep with a desire to wake?

How do you look forward to things
When everything is wrong
And excitement
Only brings disappointment?

I can’t remember
Days I wanted to be alive

I can’t find anything worth living for
I can feel it in my body
The aching everywhere
Crying out in existential agony
Because I don’t want to be here
And it knows that
My heart and body know it
But I can’t... I can’t quite do it

So I just... I wonder about people
What keeps them all alive?

They have something I do not

But I fear it’s something I cannot have