tw self harm




God... why did I do that...
one line
You promised it would just be one...
But your sins were many
Your pain so great
It became two... four... twelve... twenty...
It all stings...
And I want to crawl out of my skin

It would seem
That all I ever consider
Are questions
And I never quite get closure
No one offers answers
Especially when I'm too afraid to ask
I don't know what I am
Maybe I'm just making it up
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm dramatic
Maybe I'm sick
Maybe I'm in a phase
Maybe I'm just broken
But I don't want to ask
Because the answer
Can't possibly be good

Ask me about my scars
I’ll show you
I want them to be seen
I want them to be known
Accepted
But I keep them hidden
For most will not understand
But if you care
If you see me
Just ask
And I’ll show you
My scars

tw self harm



I’d forgotten
What it felt like
How I reacted
What it looked like
As the droplets of blood gathered
In the lines I’d drawn in
The sound of flesh breaking
As I swiftly pull the blade through
I forgot how much it hurt when it was over
The relentless pain beneath the bandage

But I’d gotten curious
My heart was growing numb
And I wanted to see if it still worked
The rush of exhilaration
The shock of realizing what I’ve done
I found it again
A kind of relief

I want to keep you secret
Because when you’re secret,
You’re still mine
And my thoughts are my own
My feelings are real
I’m free
As long as I keep you to myself
As long as you’re secret

As soon as they know
Their opinions will fill my head
A thick, slow fog in my mind
I won’t be able to trust myself
I know they can convince me of anything
They’ll fill my head with themselves
And there won’t be room for me anymore
No room for us
Once again I’ll be a puppet
They’ll pull at all my strings
Because that’s what they do

I want them in my life
But I also want to be in my life

So for a little longer
You’ll remain my secret
Just until I catch my breath
And am ready to fight my mind

I always turn this hate to myself
Because it’s easier I suppose
To just believe I’m ****
Than to face the possibility
That I’m suffering
That I’ve been damaged
By the ones I thought loved me

It’s so ******* hard to fight
The programming in your mind
When you’ve been raised
Playing games for love
Never knowing acceptance
Being stripped of privacy
Your mother telling you
Your tears are an embarrassment
Ridiculing your emotions

So instead
You hide
You learn to sob in silence
You learn to hate yourself
Because it couldn’t be them...
They couldn’t hurt you
They love you

... right?

Words
Are so incredibly amazing
They can organize thought
Human thought!
From neural jumbles
To cohesive communication
With words
We can make sense
Of all the noise
Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling
Around in our minds

I’m a stranger in my own flesh

On the obvious,
My adult body
Has never been
This small before
It feels strange...
It was not by choice

But I don’t know
I’ve no idea who I am
I lost a year of my life
My senior year
Stolen by insanity

I was supposed to
Go out and find myself
Go away to college
But I was too weak
I couldn’t do it

So here I am
Alive only because
I’m addicted to my drug
The one prescribed
But this is when
I was supposed to find out
Who the hell I am
And instead
There’s this thing
In my head
And I need it...
So badly I need it
But I can’t tell
If I’m making the decisions
Or if it is...
I’m a stranger
Inside my flesh

I’d like to spend some time
Away from reality
A little out of my mind
I’d like to lose it
Do something dumb
Inebriate myself
Dizzy and happy
Just for a bit
But so many rules
So many people
So many expectations
Reputations
Pull me away
From my much-needed break
I can see it
I can smell it
But I can’t taste it
I know it’s better this way
But I want to fall
I want to fall so far from here
So far from myself
I don’t want to feel
At least for a while
Please, let me lose it

I just want to throw all the ******* pills
Out of the ******* window
But they’re the only things keeping me sane enough
To not slit my wrist open tonight

The tingle of anxiety
It’s creeping into my chest
Into my gut
That unplaceable guilt
The incessant nerves

Meanwhile
Life is cold
I can’t feel anything pleasant
Everything is so empty...
So... so grey....

So I guess...
I suppose I’ll lie in bed
Try to eat something
Wear something soft
Watch a movie
And wait
For the anxiety meds
To idk... fix something

I want to drink
Because life hurts
Because all I feel is pain or numb
Because happiness escapes me
Because every smile is skin deep
Because my veins burn to be opened
Because I can’t laugh without feeling empty
Because maybe enough toxins in my blood
Can make me feel okay
Just for a little while...

I wondered what you'd hear
If you strayed into my soul...
You would hear screaming
Passionate, anguished, fiery
You would hear my
BATTLE CRY
Because there's so much life
So much humanity
In the act of fighting
Against the cold, the death
Even on my darkest nights
All you would see is my spirit on fire
And you would hear my
BATTLE CRY

I couldn’t help myself
I still miss you terribly
Your absence burns in my chest
I can feel myself collapsing
In the place inside you once occupied

Jawn... sweet Jawn...
What have I done...
I never deserved you
You were everything I wanted
Except mine

John... darling I’d do anything to have you back
To speak to you once again
I’d forgotten how much you meant to me
But tonight... yes, tonight I remember
I remember everything
I feel all the agony

I DIDNT DESERVE THIS
YOU WERE... you were everything to me
I know I shouldn’t have let that happen
But I did
And you broke my heart

Is it exercise
If I do it while eating
A chocolate pop-****?

Apparently it’s pretty bad
They keep prescribing me meds
I don’t want to be reliant...
But I don’t want to be suicidal...

You’ve tried to protect me from everything
How futile an effort...
You could’ve just told me!
I wouldn’t need it like this!
I crave what you’ve hidden
You’ve applied so much pressure
Wound me so tight
A band about to snap

I want to be her
The girl you see
When you look at me
Flawless, kind, selfless
And around you, I am
But I hate her
She’s your creation
She doesn’t belong to me
If you let me go
I will tear myself apart
The last threads will sever
I will release
What you taught me
To pressurize inside
And after my eruption
I will sit in my own ashes
And rebuild myself
Out of the embers

You don’t see it
Do you?
You don’t hear it?
My screaming, crying
I’m bleeding, dying
And you don’t even notice
You just exchange pleasantries
And complain about your day
While I lie here
Weak and broken
Grasping for anything
To help me live
Or die
It doesn't matter anymore

Everything
Is
Broken
Help
Is
Broken
I
Am
Broken

25 days to 21
Then maybe I’ll get a bit of peace

I’d really like to know
If there’s someone
To whom the idea of
Gently running his fingers
Down my cheek
Looking into my eyes
And kissing me deep
Would not be found
Utterly repulsive

I wanted to love you
With such passion
An, “I don’t want
To live without you”
Kind of love
But I realize now
I already knew
How much I loved you
I just needed to
Remind myself
How desolate
The rest of this world is
When I am
Without you,
My love

I'm craving adventure
I can feel it in my blood
Heart pounding
Anticipating
Let's do something crazy
Just for once be wild
The mountains are calling
We can't leave them hanging
Let's go answer them

I don't know what it would do to me
I don't know if it would help
I don't know how it would make me feel
I don't know if it would ease the pain
But there's a chance it might
Even for just a little while
And that's why I'm blindly craving
The contents of that bottle

Why are we all so deaf?
Why don't we hear?
He SCREAMS at us
To get our attention

One drop of rain
Lands on your nose
You brush it off
And curse at it

We live
We breathe
But we are all so deaf
We ignore and hate

Something amazing
Is right in front of us
Trying so hard to get our attention
But we put in our headphones
And walk away

tw self harm


Ha... I’m bleeding
Once again
I can’t even feel it
Should it hurt?
Have I gone numb?

Ah... there we go...
A bit of sting....
And the red....
All that red....
I just.... I wanna open it
I want it open.... flowing
I want the blood out of me
I want it out!!

If only you’d known
Six months ago...

What a sweet girl
Full of anguish
She bathed in suffering
Her wrists were always bleeding
Her mind was full of fog
All she wanted was an end
She almost got it

But she didn’t

And now... I wish I could tell her
That sweet, broken girl
That in six months she’d feel loved
In six months she’d be kissed
For the very first time
And she’d have hope again
That her life would be full
It won’t ever be perfect
Things are still hard
She has new challenges to face
But she’s not alone anymore
She’s lovable
She’s loved
She’s going to be alright.

So many things to do
Make some food
Clean something
Laundry
Study for finals
But I don’t care
I really don’t

Caffeine’s always my favorite drug
I can abuse it quietly
No one has to know
And if they do
I can laugh it off
I love it
But the high is sweet
Dragging me out of depression
My whole body buzzing
One more can, bottle, cup, glass, shot...
I can feel it
Everywhere
Mind racing
Eyes open so wide
My hands tremble
Muscles twitch
Little jolts of pleasure
Of course I want coffee
I’m an addict
And I’m not even sorry

tw: self harm


It’s 3 am
I could sleep
I really should just sleep
But if I wanted to...
If I wanted to take out the knife...
I could
And honestly
I’m just waiting
For some part of me to give way
So either I am forced to sleep
Or allowed to cut

Maybe,
I keep telling myself,
If I keep writing
Perhaps
I can quiet
Just a fraction
Of the deafening
Raucous
In my head

I don’t want to be lonely
I don’t want to be alone
But I thought I did
And now I’m paying for it
I pushed everyone away
Now I don’t know how
To get you back
To let anyone in

My demons are liars
Crafting up falsities
Whispering, screaming, shrieking
That I’m worthless without them

My demons are deceitful
Trying to tell me they speak truth
Twisting, warping, spinning
My head into a knotted mess

My demons are cruel
Making me hate myself
Crying, hurting, dying
But it’s all their fault

My demons are cowards
They remain faceless and silent
Masquerading, sneaking, pretending
To keep me distracted

Because that’s all they are
Deceptive, lying cowards
Too afraid to hurt alone
So they try to drag me down

But I know their enemy
So closely and intimately
I am protected and loved
More than they will ever be

So while I sit here in spiritual limbo,
While both voices echo in my mind
I will fight with all my strength
I will fight until my last breath.

Do you ever just hate yourself and your body and your whole being that you just want to crawl out of your skin but you can’t so you desperately want to self medicate and can’t do that either and the only relief you can find is by punishing yourself by cutting your own skin and you get this sense of well being from nursing your wounds like maybe you actually can be put back together?

I take the bottle and a sip
Then I drink deeply
All I can take in one go
I’d like the room to tilt and spin
Watch me lose my footing
Stumble
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to make sense
I don’t want to hurt
I don’t want to ache
I don’t want to suffer
Just... release me for a bit...
You can do that... can’t you?

Please.

I’m begging.

I’m in agony
Can’t you make an exception
I have to ease the pain
I must...
Please let me

Let me show you
Let me prove it
I’m unstable
I’m in pain
Watch me drown it
The best I can
Until I’m weak
Until I ******* stagger...
Mhm... what a thought
What loss of control...
How sweet a thought
To drink away the control
I’m tired
But I can’t let go
But that bottle... it would let me
Please...

Please, it hurts...

I don’t want to remember