There’s this odd lingering thought
I’ve been swirling around in my head
That I have no idea how I am
I don’t know if I’m doing well
How would I?
I’ve been sick with this affliction
As long as I can remember
Is there such thing as a “normal” person?
What is it like to be sane?
To not fear your own mind?
To not be tortured by your thoughts?
What’s it like to want to get out of bed?
Or to not have to numb yourself to function?
I suppose I’m doing well
I smile often
As long as others are around
I’m doing well at school
When I can make myself do the work
My job is great
When I can get myself there on time
So I don’t know
Is that normal?

tw: ummm this is rather sensitive. Read with care


Lol I’m not good
**** mental health
I feel like **** and I love it
Getting every high I can find
Anything for a little dopamine **
I could literally take one more pill
I have them. I just have to take it.
Need permission to take it
And I’d be okay for a little while
Maybe a few weeks
It won’t last but it’s a start
Mmm I feel like self sabotage
Idk. Just for fun
Cause why the **** not??
We both know this isn’t going anywhere
You’re not going anywhere
Lol
You’re not loved
Don’t you ever ******* forget it
You’ve got the mental structure of an addict
And you don’t even care
All your skills are basically useless
You’ll just be another piece of the corporate machine
You won’t make a life for yourself
You won’t be happy eventually
You’ll take drugs until you feel okay
But it’ll never ever be enough
You’ll find someone to ****
And it will leaving you wanting
You’ll make them all turn on you
It won’t be too hard now
Your life is nothing
You are nothing
You’re not dead because you’re a ******* coward
And because you know they’ll cry
Ughhh why would they cry
There’s no loss
No change
I won’t leave much behind
Your lives will be fine
They’ll be fine
It’ll be fine
You’ll be fine
I’m fine
I’m really not okay
I know that
I hear it in the back of my mind
Over and over
The whisper behind the noise
Waiting patiently for a little quiet
And it won’t leave me the **** alone
Just leave me alone ******* it
My head needs to calm down
I’ve gotta calm down
But my body is calm.
Mind is racing but the body feels nothing
Should I be feeling something??
I must’ve made it all up
This isn’t about me
Just some story
A fantasy in my head
Some world where someone else lives
A life more interesting than mine
Even if it hurts her it’s better than nothing
Pain is so ******* easy man
Bleeding is easy
But why
This isn’t in my head
This isn’t mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
I’m fine
I’m fine
What the ****
I’m fine
Why is this in my head
It’s not right
This isn’t right
****

I take the bottle and a sip
Then I drink deeply
All I can take in one go
I’d like the room to tilt and spin
Watch me lose my footing
Stumble
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to make sense
I don’t want to hurt
I don’t want to ache
I don’t want to suffer
Just... release me for a bit...
You can do that... can’t you?

Please.

I’m begging.

I’m in agony
Can’t you make an exception
I have to ease the pain
I must...
Please let me

Let me show you
Let me prove it
I’m unstable
I’m in pain
Watch me drown it
The best I can
Until I’m weak
Until I ******* stagger...
Mhm... what a thought
What loss of control...
How sweet a thought
To drink away the control
I’m tired
But I can’t let go
But that bottle... it would let me
Please...

Please, it hurts...

I don’t want to remember

Emotions....
Such strange things
Why do they all feel so new...
All so exciting
Dark ones
Beautiful ones
Painful ones
Exhilarating ones
Peaceful ones
All of it
Terribly confusing
Terribly interesting
Terribly inviting

I have to satisfy my demons
Or else they get restless
They don’t like it
When I ignore them
When I deny them
It makes them yell louder
It makes them more cruel
So I go somewhere safe
And cry
And scream
And break
Until I have, for now
Satisfied the demons

I don’t want to stick around
To see how my life turns out
And I don’t know
What to do
With that realization

Time to ******* act out because if you don’t no one will remember you exist or care that you’re still breathing soooo I guess let’s ******* test it and see how much they care **

I just want to sleep

What did you do?
The monster is awake
She’s furious
Now I have to hold her back

I want to cut
I want to cry
I want to break down
But it would seem
The alcohol would like instead
To lull me to sleep
And I want to let it
But I don’t want to sleep away this opportunity

Make my heart bleed
Please.
I can’t remember
What it felt like
To be alive

The chasm in my chest won’t fill
It just aches and grows
As more and more of me is lost
In the abyss

And tonight the emptiness is so deep
It’s so strong that nothing feels right
Consistently disappointed
Everything within is lacking
I need something
I can’t say precisely what
But it’s likely it got lost somewhere
Within the chasm

I might pour alcohol into it
See if I can find the bottom somewhere...
I’ll probably end up feeling like ****
But that’s a price I’m glad to pay
If I can be genuinely happy for a few hours
Where I can feel my smiles in my heart
And they aren’t just painted on my face

If I can’t fill it with alcohol
I’ll fill it with blood
Doesn’t really matter how long it’s been
I can cut again
Shock myself into reality
Drag myself out of the fog
I’m not so used to it anymore
It probably won’t take much
Just a few wild slices
A few drops of blood
And a sharp wince
As I realize what I’ve done

I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be alive
I don’t want to suffer this existence
I don’t want to watch everyone else turn out fine
I don’t want them to watch me wither and fall...

But here I am
Falling, fading, failing
Dying slowly
Day after day
As the hope I once had fails me
And all I see is darkness
Death is inviting
Oh, Merciful God, won’t you let me die?
This is cruel
To leave me like this
Damaged, wounded, suffering
AND YOU WONT EVEN ******* SAY WHY

God, you don’t hear me

Ugh, what raw pleasure I feel
To contradict my upbringing
To scream at what I’ve always believed in
No... I don’t quite mean it...
But I feel it
And I will say absolutely anything
If it gets me to feel


Mm... how exquisite...

I can’t tell
If I’m just depressed
For not having eaten
In twenty-two hours
Or if because I’m depressed
I don’t care to eat...

when one survives long enough without receiving affection,
one ceases to believe they are worthy of it.

My head’s so **** fuzzy
My skin is hot
Room spinning just enough
I’d take three more shots if I could
If you offer it, I’ll drink it
I’ve the makings of an addict
I know
But I’ll be fine
I’ll just keep drinking
You keep pretending it’s fine
It’ll be great
I’ll feel like living
You’ll think I’m fine
We’re good

It’s amazing how
We break apart
We shatter into
A million bits
We hurt so much
But there’s something
So beautiful about it
A life full of smiles
Is not nearly as
Powerful as a
Life of smiling
Through pain
Heartbreak
Because that’s how
We grow and learn
To be stronger
Than we are now
There’s this continuity
Of emotions
And it is
Absolutely
Beautiful

A suicidal mind
Can only see death
Can only feel pain
It’s blind to hope
Numb to happiness
Like the good has turned grey
And soon it’s lost in the dark

Pain can bring comfort
Distraction
Relief
So sometimes they bleed
Or otherwise destroy themselves

Health seems futile
Why would one want to prolong this?
Why would you want to stay longer?
Why eat? Why drink? Why bathe?
Breathing is annoying
Heartbeats are infuriating

I think... I think at some point
I had wanted a future
But now... now I just want out
I just have to get out

I’m in desperate need
Of someone who
Can see the scars on my wrist
And still want to hold my hand

This space in between
Severely ill
And
Finally well
Is so full of confusion
This mixed bag of
Pain
Happiness
Heartbreak
Memories
Old habits tempting
Creeping up to pull you down
While you can see light ahead
Begging you to get better
These are the growing pains
Of recovery

Sorrow floods my eyes tonight
Streams into every pore
It cannot be contained
For the depths of compassion
The depths of love
Propel forth the immense wave

My body shakes with anxiety
My breaths come quick and shallow
Because I believe you
When you say you’d do it
You’d end your life
You’re not well, my dear friend
And I know I can’t help you

You’re breaking my heart...
I know you don’t mean to
It’s simply a side effect
Of allowing myself to care
So wholeheartedly
So completely

And now

The sorrow
The dread
The pain
The concern
The tears
The tragedy
The calamity
The grief
The new marks
The old marks...


Have left me

Overwhelmed

Fine
Is
Alive
Breathing
Surviving
But it is
Not
Living
Feeling
Thriving

No one tells you
That loneliness hurts
That you can feel emptiness
That your heart can physically ache
They don’t explain to you
That your body knows you’re alone
It hurts more than you can describe
It burns until you can’t take it
But by that point
You’re a freak
You’re so far gone
No one will want you
You’re broken now
You’re damaged goods
So the only antidote to the poison
Of being all alone
Is pushed further and further out of reach
The longer you suffer

You got me high
Then let me fall
I hit the ground
And now
I don't know
If I want
To get back up
Out of my hell

I want to
Rip, tear, throw
Off my responsibilities
Like bonds off
An escaped
Prisoner

My heart feels heavy
My pulse burns
My head aches

I want freedom
I want peace
I want love
I feel these so deeply in my being
But I’m so confused
I’m so conflicted
And all those who would’ve helped me have gone
I’ve grown distant from once-trusted mentors
I don’t know where to find answers
Where to find help
Something inside me screams an answer
That I don’t want to hear

Or perhaps rather...
It is a still, small voice

You talk about me without me
With the only person I trusted
Pretend you know what's going on
Trying to take control of me
But you have no idea
What happens in my head
You don't know
What's going on with me
How dare you
HOW DARE YOU

I believe in God
But that doesn’t stop me
From sinking into dark depressions
Sometimes I go utterly numb
And tear at my skin
So I feel something
Sometimes I crave destruction
Sometimes I worship my own insanity
But I know He’s there
Waiting patiently
Being ever so gentle with my broken heart
Ready to pull me in tight
When I call for Him
And beg for the forgiveness
I’ll never be worth

When they look in my direction
They see something
A kind of human shadow
Shape without depth
A hollow understanding
If any at all
Those who do see me
Only do when I smother myself
In things that benefit them
Good grades for my parents
A loan for my sister
But as soon as I stop
They cease to see me
I am translucent
Never opaque
Never quite there
Even in my own mind
I’m not always there...
A ghost
I am translucent
But I deserve opacity

Come to me,
My long-awaited romance
Pull me in close
So I can feel your heart
Your breath, your flesh
Tell me I’m lovely
I won’t believe you at first
So you kiss me gently
And hold me near your body
Until I start to wonder
If perhaps
You actually weren’t lying
I’ve waited so long
Haven’t I been patient?
Haven’t I suffered enough?
Where are you, my love?
Will I ever find you?
I’m not even so sure
I believe you exist....

I'm happy for you
Really, I mean it
There's nothing that I need more
Than to know you're doing alright

But I just... I can't help it...

Within the privacy of my own mind
I remind myself
That I will never have that kind of happiness
I will never get to live like that
And I want it so badly
I can't take it away from you
By letting you in on what I'm feeling

tw self harm suicide


Ready to watch my liver fail by 22
lol I know what I’d do
Once it’s unlocked
Freed
Once I can have as much to drink as I want
Honestly I’ll hurt myself

I think... I think I prefer it
Just... saying I’m alone
Because the truth...
It’s far more painful...
I’m surrounded by people
They see me
They speak with me
And they just don’t care
They treat me poorly

So... I guess... it’s just...
Easier
To forget they exist
And pretend
I’m alone

I just want to forget it
All of it
Please
Take it
Away

Trigger warning: Self harm


I’m fine
It’s fine
The episode ended
Just a few red marks left
No blood
I’m fine
Just a bit of skin under my nails
No blood
I’m fine
Ugh why so dizzzzyyy???
What’s that?
That line....
It’s too dark....
I’m fine
Just a little blood
It served its purpose
I don’t cut.
So it’s fine.

There’s a little bliss in this bottle
It’s hiding near the bottom
If I just... if I just keep drinking
Maybe I can find it...

**** this
Alone
Again.
Not drunk enough
Til the room spins.
I’m tired
I’m lonely
If you’re nice maybe I’ll just kiss you again...
****

The night is coming for me
Her dark delirium
Take me from this
I don’t want it
It’ll be easier in the morning
It will
It will
It has to be...
It’s surrounding me now
Engulfing me
Drawing thick fog through my mind
Losing control
Letting go...
Please take me.
You don’t even have to bring me back.

Oh, how I’d love to just surrender
Give up the fight for my life
Stop taking the meds
Put up with the withdrawal
Let it push me over the edge
Drink myself into a stupor
**** someone pretty
Slice my limbs and bleed...
Stop going to therapy
Stop trying to explain
Stop trying to hide
Just surrender
Give up
Give in
Let
Me
F
A
L
L
.
.


.



.





.

I... I don’t think I have it in me
To care for myself tonight.....

She keeps telling me
As I sit across from her
To close my eyes
And imagine my young self
A scared and confused child
What would I say to her
As the panic sets in
As she’s ashamed of herself
As she loses control
And I know how to speak
To frightened children
But when I try to do so
To myself
To the little girl in my head
I break
Every time

I give you all

EVERYTHING

Your lips offer gratitude
But then why is it
That your actions
ALL OF THEM
Make it clear
I am not a priority
To... anyone actually
You all USE ME
And I like it
I want to be helpful
I want to be kind

SO YOU ALL

YOU USE ME

To your selfish ends
And at the end of the day
I look back
Feeling no affection
No warmth
No love
No kindness
I’ve been taken advantage of
Over and over again
So I sleep here alone
Wondering if I’ll ever be content
Because I’m SO **** NICE
So.... so you use me....
You never give back....
So I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I TRY HARDER!!!!

And you all
You know I require no payment
So I pour myself out for you
And you take it all
Leaving me alone
Weeping
Broken
Empty

I just need someone
If just one could...
Could you maybe?
Just hold me for a while
Let my tears roll into your chest
Repeat to me
Everything I’ve never heard
Could you just....
Say something
To make me feel
Even if only for a moment
That I am worth
Taking up space in this world