tw self harm


Ha... I’m bleeding
Once again
I can’t even feel it
Should it hurt?
Have I gone numb?

Ah... there we go...
A bit of sting....
And the red....
All that red....
I just.... I wanna open it
I want it open.... flowing
I want the blood out of me
I want it out!!

I’d like to spend some time
Away from reality
A little out of my mind
I’d like to lose it
Do something dumb
Inebriate myself
Dizzy and happy
Just for a bit
But so many rules
So many people
So many expectations
Reputations
Pull me away
From my much-needed break
I can see it
I can smell it
But I can’t taste it
I know it’s better this way
But I want to fall
I want to fall so far from here
So far from myself
I don’t want to feel
At least for a while
Please, let me lose it

If only you’d known
Six months ago...

What a sweet girl
Full of anguish
She bathed in suffering
Her wrists were always bleeding
Her mind was full of fog
All she wanted was an end
She almost got it

But she didn’t

And now... I wish I could tell her
That sweet, broken girl
That in six months she’d feel loved
In six months she’d be kissed
For the very first time
And she’d have hope again
That her life would be full
It won’t ever be perfect
Things are still hard
She has new challenges to face
But she’s not alone anymore
She’s lovable
She’s loved
She’s going to be alright.

I believe in God
But that doesn’t stop me
From sinking into dark depressions
Sometimes I go utterly numb
And tear at my skin
So I feel something
Sometimes I crave destruction
Sometimes I worship my own insanity
But I know He’s there
Waiting patiently
Being ever so gentle with my broken heart
Ready to pull me in tight
When I call for Him
And beg for the forgiveness
I’ll never be worth

You talk about me without me
With the only person I trusted
Pretend you know what's going on
Trying to take control of me
But you have no idea
What happens in my head
You don't know
What's going on with me
How dare you
HOW DARE YOU

I think... I think I prefer it
Just... saying I’m alone
Because the truth...
It’s far more painful...
I’m surrounded by people
They see me
They speak with me
And they just don’t care
They treat me poorly

So... I guess... it’s just...
Easier
To forget they exist
And pretend
I’m alone

Oh, how I’d love to just surrender
Give up the fight for my life
Stop taking the meds
Put up with the withdrawal
Let it push me over the edge
Drink myself into a stupor
**** someone pretty
Slice my limbs and bleed...
Stop going to therapy
Stop trying to explain
Stop trying to hide
Just surrender
Give up
Give in
Let
Me
F
A
L
L
.
.


.



.





.

You got me high
Then let me fall
I hit the ground
And now
I don't know
If I want
To get back up
Out of my hell

I want to
Rip, tear, throw
Off my responsibilities
Like bonds off
An escaped
Prisoner

Do you ever
Do you ever hear a phrase
That just resonates with your soul?
Something so fitting it scares you a little?
It's funny that my words never do that to me
But others' can
Perhaps it's a sign of my amateurism
But so often I write grasping for words that
Resonate like that
Because my story has more than just
One good phrase
And I'm looking for the rest
So here I am
Writing to find it

My head’s so **** fuzzy
My skin is hot
Room spinning just enough
I’d take three more shots if I could
If you offer it, I’ll drink it
I’ve the makings of an addict
I know
But I’ll be fine
I’ll just keep drinking
You keep pretending it’s fine
It’ll be great
I’ll feel like living
You’ll think I’m fine
We’re good

Trigger warning: Self harm


I’m fine
It’s fine
The episode ended
Just a few red marks left
No blood
I’m fine
Just a bit of skin under my nails
No blood
I’m fine
Ugh why so dizzzzyyy???
What’s that?
That line....
It’s too dark....
I’m fine
Just a little blood
It served its purpose
I don’t cut.
So it’s fine.

I couldn’t help myself
I still miss you terribly
Your absence burns in my chest
I can feel myself collapsing
In the place inside you once occupied

Jawn... sweet Jawn...
What have I done...
I never deserved you
You were everything I wanted
Except mine

John... darling I’d do anything to have you back
To speak to you once again
I’d forgotten how much you meant to me
But tonight... yes, tonight I remember
I remember everything
I feel all the agony

I DIDNT DESERVE THIS
YOU WERE... you were everything to me
I know I shouldn’t have let that happen
But I did
And you broke my heart

So many things to do
Make some food
Clean something
Laundry
Study for finals
But I don’t care
I really don’t

She keeps telling me
As I sit across from her
To close my eyes
And imagine my young self
A scared and confused child
What would I say to her
As the panic sets in
As she’s ashamed of herself
As she loses control
And I know how to speak
To frightened children
But when I try to do so
To myself
To the little girl in my head
I break
Every time

I remember praying
When I was a child
That God could take anything
Anything at all of mine from me
And my faith could get me through
But not my mind...
No, my mind defined me
I was nothing if I wasn’t smart
And in that moment
I knew exactly what
I needed taken away...

People don’t choose to love me
Love for me is conditional
On smiles and pleasantries
On good behavior
On success and pride
So, why would I want to smile?
It doesn’t bring joy
It doesn’t make me feel alive
But I know how to hurt
So I suppose that’ll have to do

I'm craving adventure
I can feel it in my blood
Heart pounding
Anticipating
Let's do something crazy
Just for once be wild
The mountains are calling
We can't leave them hanging
Let's go answer them

I’m in desperate need
Of someone who
Can see the scars on my wrist
And still want to hold my hand

It occurs to me sometimes
That if I so desired
I could pack up and leave
Travel, wander, explore
And just start a new life
Leaving everything behind
And never look back
And maybe I'd miss it
Maybe I'd want to go back
But I could
And that's what is so
Fascinating

A suicidal mind
Can only see death
Can only feel pain
It’s blind to hope
Numb to happiness
Like the good has turned grey
And soon it’s lost in the dark

Pain can bring comfort
Distraction
Relief
So sometimes they bleed
Or otherwise destroy themselves

Health seems futile
Why would one want to prolong this?
Why would you want to stay longer?
Why eat? Why drink? Why bathe?
Breathing is annoying
Heartbeats are infuriating

I think... I think at some point
I had wanted a future
But now... now I just want out
I just have to get out

That’s it
That’s what I wanted
That’s what I’ve been looking for
You’ve got me so high...
I realize how dangerous a drug this is...
This game I’m playing...
How do I stick to my beliefs
When you just make me want more...?
I want you to hold me
And don’t you dare let go.

My existence aches
I don’t know why
Every muscle tense
I can’t get comfortable
I want to dissolve
Into nothingness
I don’t know why
I want to cause pain
It’ll give me a reason
To hurt
My hands trying to move
To where the marks can hide
So instead I type
Maybe I can trick them
Into thinking they’ve done
Their dark deed

Sorrow floods my eyes tonight
Streams into every pore
It cannot be contained
For the depths of compassion
The depths of love
Propel forth the immense wave

My body shakes with anxiety
My breaths come quick and shallow
Because I believe you
When you say you’d do it
You’d end your life
You’re not well, my dear friend
And I know I can’t help you

You’re breaking my heart...
I know you don’t mean to
It’s simply a side effect
Of allowing myself to care
So wholeheartedly
So completely

And now

The sorrow
The dread
The pain
The concern
The tears
The tragedy
The calamity
The grief
The new marks
The old marks...


Have left me

Overwhelmed

Could you...
Perhaps
Give me something?
You know...
For the pain?
I think...
I just
I wanna sleep
For a very long time...

You say I’m sinful
But you love me
Even like this
So much you went through
The pain of humanity
Our wrath and evil
To save us monsters
But I can’t shake the thought
That I’m so horribly unworthy
I can’t even accept human love
How can I possibly consider
That you could care about me?
Show me what you see in me
For what reason could you possibly care?
Even while I sit here
Craving darkness
I know salvation comes through faith
Not by what I’ve done
But my faith is weaker than ever
So won’t you let me
Fall from grace?

An image
A sound
A motion
It stops.
Mind reeling
What happened?
Can’t think
No, can’t be
Not to me
Call who?
Police? Why?
Oh... I see...
Wait, I’m alive
But what if...
I could’ve died.
Now what?
Why am I crying?
I can’t look
The damage is bad
Am I breathing?
My fingers won’t still
Typing, calling, yelling
What happened?
The image
The sound
The motion
Again, again, again

25 days to 21
Then maybe I’ll get a bit of peace

It’s getting bad again
I know because I’m enjoying it
When the darkness is exciting
Bad decisions are thrilling
Mistakes are cheap
Cause the value of my life
Is rapidly decreasing

I... I don’t think I have it in me
To care for myself tonight.....

Emotions....
Such strange things
Why do they all feel so new...
All so exciting
Dark ones
Beautiful ones
Painful ones
Exhilarating ones
Peaceful ones
All of it
Terribly confusing
Terribly interesting
Terribly inviting

I just want to sleep

I stretch myself out
Over the face of the cliff
And I laugh
I let you think it’s the adrenaline
But the rocks and I know
We’re old friends

I need someone
Someone who can just sit and hold me
When the panic strikes
Someone who can lay by my side
When everything in me is in agony
Someone who can kiss me
When I feel worthless and hopeless
Someone who cares enough
To love me in my flaws

There’s a little bliss in this bottle
It’s hiding near the bottom
If I just... if I just keep drinking
Maybe I can find it...

I'm happy for you
Really, I mean it
There's nothing that I need more
Than to know you're doing alright

But I just... I can't help it...

Within the privacy of my own mind
I remind myself
That I will never have that kind of happiness
I will never get to live like that
And I want it so badly
I can't take it away from you
By letting you in on what I'm feeling

Come to me,
My long-awaited romance
Pull me in close
So I can feel your heart
Your breath, your flesh
Tell me I’m lovely
I won’t believe you at first
So you kiss me gently
And hold me near your body
Until I start to wonder
If perhaps
You actually weren’t lying
I’ve waited so long
Haven’t I been patient?
Haven’t I suffered enough?
Where are you, my love?
Will I ever find you?
I’m not even so sure
I believe you exist....

tw self harm




God... why did I do that...
one line
You promised it would just be one...
But your sins were many
Your pain so great
It became two... four... twelve... twenty...
It all stings...
And I want to crawl out of my skin

I keep cycling
Not knowing what's true
Am I really feeling numb?
Am I so cold and distant?
Or perhaps, instead
I'm just bored
And finally in my right mind
To realize how dull my life is
How futile these squabbles are
But maybe I chose this
Because I feel so much
That I realized
If I let myself feel it all
My heart would break

My heart is longing
Deeply aching for something
Something beautiful

**** this
Alone
Again.
Not drunk enough
Til the room spins.
I’m tired
I’m lonely
If you’re nice maybe I’ll just kiss you again...
****

It’s amazing how
We break apart
We shatter into
A million bits
We hurt so much
But there’s something
So beautiful about it
A life full of smiles
Is not nearly as
Powerful as a
Life of smiling
Through pain
Heartbreak
Because that’s how
We grow and learn
To be stronger
Than we are now
There’s this continuity
Of emotions
And it is
Absolutely
Beautiful

I don’t want to stick around
To see how my life turns out
And I don’t know
What to do
With that realization