People talk about near-death experiences
and I feel like me almost staying with you was one.

Like me settling, saying 'fine, this is fine'
whilst my heart cried for more,
that was definitely one.

And it feels like I've just made it out alive,
my heart bleeding, my mind a mess
and my arms so tired from carrying you
but still, I made it.

Today the words are too close.
Maybe tomorrow I can breathe again.

For all of us who have bashed ourselves numb
trying to be there
(for our brothers)

For all of us who have locked our hearts inside
settling with a joke
(for our fathers)

For all of us who have loved them more than ourselves
more than we could handle
(for our men)

For all of us who keeps putting our friends before us
always coming last place
(for our loved ones)

For all of us whose hearts are out there, feeling with everyone
trying to save strangers with one look
(for our fellow humans)

For all of us who can have amnesty and forgiveness to all others
seeing their imperfections as beauty
(for everyone besides us)

For us
We will learn
We will sympathize
We will passionately love ourselves
more than we have loved anyone else

At last
we will free ourselves

Do you also think we could have been? Like been for real, full on.

Like that time you couldn't stop listening to my heart or those evenings when you snuck out just to say hi or those million of nights when we just didn't want to hang up.

Like imagine if those moments could have lasted longer, if we could have lasted longer. If life actually had let us.

I do think so. That we could have been. Real, full on, the thing that really mattered. Just us.

Now you still matter, it's just that we're nothing.

What if *** is there just to give us a release,
to let out all the anger and disappointment
we otherwise just stash up behind a smile

Maybe it's a way to let that long finger out
from our pocketless pants
and throw it in their ignorant faces

You, trying to convince me i was hard to love, when i drip of sun and sweet magic

Let the soft stay with you
Do not change it for brutality,
Anger
Stress
Pain

Instead,
let it keep you
and them
Let it spread over the trees,
through the meadows
Let it tangle itself in the black curls of scarred people
Let it grow inside of everyone
Let it let you remain yourself,
the soft, wonderful being that you really are

I've written a hundred books in my mind,
longed thousands of nights,
dreamt a million days away
and yet, you are not here

I just can't stay like this
- feet on the wall, stomach on the ground, chest all over the place and logic nowhere at all

I don't know when it happened but it just started getting heavier

Getting up
     it could take days
Going back to sleep
     it could take years
Putting away my phone
    it could take forever

And do you also think gravity is getting on me? Doing its best to make
                      everything
                 so
        ****
heavy

As if I should be punished for wanting to stay up in the clouds
                everywhere I go
                                         everything I do

As if I should not get any release
As if I should have learned that I must not escape to pink skies and air
As if I should have gotten used to loving grey ceilings, asphalt and wind just as much

As if there wasn't anything else to long for
As if this should be it
As if this actually is it.

It wasn’t my decision
to tear him apart
He did that good enough for both of us

I've found my words in so many poems, lyrics and books before I've found them in my mind

I'm mad at myself for wanting something more than me. How can I not be enough?

They say that the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane
and as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling
whilst emotions are throwing themselves
all around my chest,
I say that a thought can create a hell lot more of a mess

I love how my voice feels
after being gone
for so long

but
it also makes me sad to realise
I haven't heard its strength,
not since I met you

You just have that effect on me
where you get into every inch,
fill every cell,
until you are perfectly everywhere

Until all I say is you,
until your taste,
your cool tongue against mine,
is all I can breathe

Until I can't see,
blinded by the spark in your blue eyes,
making everything turn into your color

Until my words of you
are just pouring out of my fingers,
trying to grasp as I write you down

And you even make me wake up
with your name ringing in my head,
as if I've been calling for you all night

And I know our memories back and forth,
I've visited them so often that they are tattooed across my mind,
carved into my chest,
so even my heart knows when to skip that beat

But it just gets hollow,
filling myself up with old memories,
so torn and tormented,
so far away from you

Like I'm living out of old air,
to thin to give any real release
but to lightheaded to stop

I always wanted to blow my mind

To get swept away,
dance through roses and sorrow,
colour my soul with the paint from the sky,
to tickle my belly with the sun, even when it's grey

I never thought I actually would

And then, I never thought I would be stuck here

In dreams, melancholy, fantasies and daydreams about skies so beautiful I would never ever want to look outside my soul
And warmth so tempting I could never feel the refreshing cold reality

I just never saw this coming

And it just feels impossible, you know?
To go from fluffy, yellow mist to harsh, sweet life
To be awake, to not go back to safe, old dreams
To ignore the moon smiling at you, to stop believing you're actually going to be special
because in an ordinary world, the only way you are someone is in your head

I never truly understood the meaning of 'devastated' until I was

It was Sunday and you asked me to stay but I never meant to linger here for so long, so I pulled back, retreating from my line you tried to cross

Smiling, so you wouldn't taste the hesitation on my lips,
talking louder to hide my hasty breath,
giving you sweet promises of nothing, pouring it out like syrup on those pancakes I never stayed for

And I don't think I've ever needed Monday as much as when I walked home, self-starved, carrying all my weight and bricks with my sticky fingers

This shattered home inside of me
that I in desperation tore apart
Stomped to pieces
Wrecked out of me
Out
Out
Out
left nails and wood and pieces of furnitures
(like his bed when he lies awake, lost and torn apart)
And I keep bumping into them
Keep stepping on sharp edges
Making me lose my breath,
my balance
My way
And I don’t know how to get them out


And how am I supposed to build a home
with you
when I’m already full
of broken wood
of the last inherent

I keep letting you in,
forgetting that I don't know what to do with you
I try going back, visit us when we were we,
I try to imagine you in my future,
I even try to fill my present with your name on my tongue
but I just can't find any place where you can stay,
where I can make you stay

And it's just such a waste, that's all,
because every scenario of us still makes perfect sense

I hate it every time the feelings find you
before your words
And then, after two years, one minute or five hours
or whenever they bother showing up,
it's like your heart and your stomach just sitting there
saying "we told you so"
and you hate them for speaking so clearly
whilst you refused to

I hate it every time the feelings find you
before your words
And then, after two years, one minute, five hours, or whenever they bother showing up,
it's like your heart and your stomach just sits there
saying "we told you so"
and you hate them for speaking so clearly
whilst you refused to

I've laid countless of times just staring at the ceiling, watching the shadows, watching my mind

me, wanting to be alone whilst feeling so alone at the same time

I'm packing all my dreams and fantasies together with my summer dresses and my bare feet. I make sure to fill my heart and bag up with so much joy that I definitely will be disappointed when I don't find you this summer either.

Yet again, we sat on a bench, this time without dark, grey clouds. And we erased away each other from our phones, we took away all that was us. And we said how much we loved each other and we cried. And when we once again walked away, I cried because I had gotten my ending, at last, the one I had wanted for so long. I was finally free from and so I kept crying.

And that was the last time it was us. The last time we met when it was real.

Afterwards, you have been in my mind more than I thought was possible and we have seen each other less that I believed we would, without really looking and never letting each other even a meter close to our hearts, never wanting to risk ever again to destroy everything we have so carefully rebuilt.

I just feel so small and everything else is so huge and it keeps piling up on me, smothering me, until all I can see and breath is this wall of musts and responsibility and endless tasks and emotions that won't stop pressing up in my throat and I can't cry, I just don't take the time to do it, everything else is too demanding that I can't even do that, and I don't remember anymore how to relax my shoulder or unclench my jaw and I just can't see any pause ahead, no oasis of breathing deeply again in the near future, no space for just me to be.

I cannot
I will not
I should not take his life in my responsibility
For it is not for me
to heal

Life disturbs my dreams

Or is it the opposite? I don't even know anymore

When the world is out of breath, I climb back into your arms, pretending it's where I belong.

When the world has gone quiet, it's harder to drown out the cries from the chest, to not listen to the desperate longing for more

And when the world is so grey, it's not easy to keep painting your life with colors, not when you're starting to run out of yellow, orange, red and all that beauty that used to make you shine

And when the only person you see is your reflection, it's difficult to not judge what you see, to not glower bitterly at yourself saying 'is this all there is now? Am I just stuck here with you?'

And when the only one you're talking to is yourself, it's just impossible to not notice that the one talking badly about you, the one hurting you, is the only one you got right now and I need to turn this around because oh my god, I wanna thrive with colors and sing whilst I place beautiful flowers in my head and mind, smiling at my own company.

His words still lives within me
and I let them out,
sometimes when I’m not even aware of it
When I make you say something
and it has him all over it

And your innocent eyes brings equal pain
as the words does

I fell in love with a possibility, yet nothing was possible

I've spent too much time on the bathroom floor, asking my tears to be as silent as they can, for us to ever be okay again

All those dreams of how I'll meet you are keeping my chest calm

He'll come back
He always does
Finding his way back into your bones that carried him for so long
Returning to your blood, leaving it burning and cold at the same time
And even your hips will remember his hands, as they reach up towards them
Whilst your stomach will feel the exact same revolting butterflies as it used to

You'll find him everywhere
You'll see him in your words, the ones he taught you to say
In your chest, when it's getting harder to breath
You'll even taste him in your mouth from when you breathed him
From when you let him get into every inch of you
And now he'll always come back
Not for you, but he'll always come back

All these boys
pushing themselves in
screaming, crying for attention
for healing
for the love they think I own them
Disrupting me
from giving the love I need
to myself

The worst part is that I actually never needed him

- but what took so long was to realize I needed myself more than he needed me

The sky is infinite and I will not be stuck here.

I miss how the smell of grass made my feet smile
how the sun made my belly tickle
how the waves made my heart jump with fascination
and how I made myself feel safe

How the clear blue sky made my mind full of hope
how the birds made my ears relaxe
how the gravel made my legs extend
how I gave me joy

I miss the summers innocence
mixed with my childish naivety,
when all it took was a day full of summer
for me to be full of light
for me to feel happy

You are so much closer to me tonight
even though it was half a life ago since we last spoke

And the words I have written about you,
the words we shared every night,
our words,
they are ringing so loud in my ears

As if we were still there.
As if life never happened.
As if the nights and the words still belonged to us

My heart
swelling
in my chest,
trying to stop
my tongue
from destroying this,
from destroying everything

But


"I can't..."

and just like that
our hearts stop

and it becomes too late

I just want someone who,
above all,
craves me,
wants me,
desires me
and my perfect imperfections

A passion expressed in love,
not one that turns into insecurity
and disbelief

I have no sorrow, still it takes up so much space in my heart today

To many boys
have put their life in my hands
Forcing me to choose
between mine or theirs
And who can endure with so much blood on the hands?

All those thousand dreams of how I'll meet you
is keeping my chest calm

And how can you ask for less
Than all of me
and
how can I give you all
When I don’t even find it myself

A ******* smack in the face
When you're talking about what you've been doing
over new years eve
over birthdays
over every ******* weekend

And you're not even considerate about my feelings anymore
guess you've forgot the part I was of your group
how important I was

Now, I'm just a friend and nothing more
whilst you continue
living life together
as a whole

I have thought hundreds of poems about you and you have sprayed my name across a town
We have talked throughout the nights and dreamt the days away
And my heart has melted every time your eyes lit up when you said my name

I have missed you so much that it hurts
Wished me away to that **** small town you're trapped within, the one that you longed to get out of, that you clung away from until you no longer existed

And I hate what it did to you

How it got you to color everything black and white,
Got you to stare throughout the nights and sleep the days away
Until your eyes no longer shined of wild dreams and hope
Until you no longer said my name

And if I had been brave enough, if you had let me, I would have taken you away from there,
I would have saved us,
before you became that stranger

And now you will always be the one who could have been but never will be