I'm trying to reason with myself,
that of course I'm gonna miss you at times
and there’s nothing more to that

Especially nights like this
when our teams are facing each other,
at last,
the thing we always said would be so fun
And yet, here I am
Watching football all alone
Trying to not read into the feeling inside my chest
Screaming that I did a mistake

What if *** is there just to give us a release,
to let out all the anger and disappointment
we otherways just stash up behind a smile
Maybe it's a way to let that long finger out
from our pocketless pants
and throw it in their ignorant faces

A ******* smack in the face
When you're talking about what you've been doing
over new years eve
over birthdays
over every ******* weekend

And you're not even considerate about my feelings anymore
guess you've forgot the part I was of your group
how important I was

Now, I'm just a friend and nothing more
whilst you continue
living life together
as a whole

'What is worse' you say,
'is being left
without a choice
and the only thing you can do
is to adapt to the situation
of being alone'

And as I dry my eyes on my hand, I say 'no'

'What is worse is having to face the decision
over and over again
without coming closer to knowing
what is right
or wrong'.

'What is worse' I say,
'is to be next to someone
and still be alone,
and not knowing
if you're gonna crush their world
or ignoring your own.

So no, what is worse
is to never truly understand
what you should
or shouldn't
have done
and yet,
the choice is always at your hands'

I just want someone who,
above all,
craves me,
wants me,
desires me
and my perfect imperfections

A passion expressed in love,
not one that turns into insecurity
and disbelief

When your chest is weighing you down,
shrinking you into fetal position,
then it's hard to miss being able to breath lighlty
because every inch of you are trying to resist
getting stuck on the ground

every inch of you are trying to fight those ghosts in your head
that the demanding och oppressing world around you summoned,
called upon,
without bothering telling how you would get rid of them
without even caring if you did
as long as they didn't have to carry it all by themselves

and how could you ever have kept track on yourself
when so many have pushed themselves upon you,
plunged into your heart, forcing them into your hopefull mind,
breaking down the childish, open mind that had survived so far
but not this.
Not this.

And the weight and darkness of everyone else
seeking shelter in your loving soul
took over
leaving no space for you
so how could your clear breath had survived?
How could anyones air not get polluted and trapped?
And how could you even miss the lightness of your breath
once you started to believe it was only a myth
because you hadn't felt it in so long,
you had just felt everyone else's writched breath

But through all this
you found that the ground wasn't quicksand
and yes, maybe your innocence never will fully recover
but you will find the ability to blindly believe again
to throw yourself out there, trusting the leap of yourself
trusting that everything will be solved
because hey,
against all odds,
you just made it through.

The breath
so heavy,
so rough to get out,
sticking in the throat on it's way up
building a block in the chest,
pushing me down
sinking into my stomach,
creating waves of worry,
waves of ache,
forcing everything else away

and I'm left with this storm
raging inside of me
making me numb
making my heart both stop
and race
at the same time
as if it alternately gives up
and alternately keeps trying
so lost in the thunder
that it can't see the way out
any way out

And it's just like us
I just keep giving up
whilst my mind tries yet again,
thinking that maybe this time
maybe I'll get what I need
what I want
what I crave
without really believing it
without any burning hope
just a burning lump
spreading
taking over my body
my mind
and my breath
can hardly push it's way through it
can hardly get out

Just like me
stuck within what used to be us