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A Dec 2018
When your chest is weighing you down,
shrinking you into fetal position,
then it's hard to miss being able to breath lighlty
because every inch of you are trying to resist
getting stuck on the ground

every inch of you are trying to fight those ghosts in your head
that the demanding och oppressing world around you summoned,
called upon,
without bothering telling how you would get rid of them
without even caring if you did
as long as they didn't have to carry it all by themselves

and how could you ever have kept track on yourself
when so many have pushed themselves upon you,
plunged into your heart, forcing them into your hopefull mind,
breaking down the childish, open mind that had survived so far
but not this.
Not this.

And the weight and darkness of everyone else
seeking shelter in your loving soul
took over
leaving no space for you
so how could your clear breath had survived?
How could anyones air not get polluted and trapped?
And how could you even miss the lightness of your breath
once you started to believe it was only a myth
because you hadn't felt it in so long,
you had just felt everyone else's writched breath

But through all this
you found that the ground wasn't quicksand
and yes, maybe your innocence never will fully recover
but you will find the ability to blindly believe again
to throw yourself out there, trusting the leap of yourself
trusting that everything will be solved
because hey,
against all odds,
you just made it through.
A Mar 2021
This - getting glimpses of all that could have been - it is torture for the soul
A Apr 2020
It's a hurricane in my chest today and that wind is howling so loud in my mind, so I'll just lay here on my couch and watch how the storm twirls inside of me, turns me inside out, and wait it out.
A Sep 2020
It's just so in your heart, this whole day

Like up in your throat, in your chest and just everywhere, blocking the sun from warming you up

Filling you up with a scream, making you desperate to get out, to run, but making it impossible to move. Making you unable to tear away from this sinking feeling, dragging you down

Swirling into your mind until it's all you can taste, blinding your eyes until it's all you can feel

And it just eats you up, leaving you numb for days til the point where you cannot remember how beautiful your mind used to be, because there is no way it ever was

And then it stops. And for a gorgeous while, you can breathe clear air again.

Until it starts all over.
A Mar 2018
The words
pouring out of me from
every finger
As if they’ve only been waiting
for me to understand
And I don’t know why that makes me sad

to think
of my unconnected nerves
A Mar 2018
I am raging
at the thought of him
building himself a home inside of me
Despite my protests
despite me not wanting
his
homelessness
on my conscience
A Sep 2022
We both know this is it, even though we don't mention it. And I guess this silence is the last I'll never hear from you.
A Mar 2018
How can I be so lost
within myself
that I don’t even understand
what my own heart is trying to say
to me
Because my mind,
The only thing I can control,
Keeps screaming
(just like I screamed when I tried to let myself go)
A Sep 2020
It broke into my fantasies, crushing my daydreams. Making my longing break into an ever higher pace whilst the rug was pulled from under my feet. Facedown, sweat and tears, blood and pieces. Tasting the rock bottom, falling from the clouds. Breaking my bones, my connection to you, making me blind.

It really did break my heart, seeing you two.

Broke it in a non-refundable kind of way, a permanent way. Broke the pieces I'd left of you, for you, saved, so that we could one day return.
A Aug 2018
You cannot change my decision,
you can only make the pain more thorough

Because, you see, this isn't the first moment we're discussing this
this is only the moment I'm showing it to you
this is only the moment I'm sure I'm done.

Because
I've been on my way a long time now,
I've just clinged on
a little while longer
But.
The decision is already taken,
no more words can postpone it
I'm already gone
A Nov 2020
I gave up on being me with you

You said that what was me was naive, wrong, weak and difficult
You ripped it out, threw it on the floor and said ' Look at this mess! Look at what you've done!'
And I raged, refused to clean, tried talking sense, screamed 'well look at you!',
cried 'just look'
Until I turned myself inside out to see what you meant
until I started seeing it too
Until I also wanted to rip those parts out of me, rip out what was me, what used to be me

Until I stopped being me with you
And became a hollow shell of you
A Oct 2020
I think I started giving up on us when you asked me to be you
but I still stayed longer than I should have
because I wanted you to see
how absolutely beautiful you could be before I returned to myself
A Oct 2020
"Because they want to" is never reason enough. It is barely a reason at all.
A Jan 2020
I will make new stories
I must
The old ones are getting sore and stretched out and I refuse to let this be all, to let this be it.
A Mar 2018
I have to let him go
and accept his loss
My loss
of what could have been
But would never have
A Mar 2020
And it was just as beautiful as he said it was.
But as I asked him to lift me higher, he put me down and left me there on the floor. And Lord, I don't think you've ever seen anything so black as after you've seen the sun, like truly seen it.

It just makes all the other colours disappear with him.
A Jan 2020
Come at me wind
make me twirl inside of you,
make my skirt and my hair fly
until I no longer knows where I am
Let me hear your growling strength
and let's see who outscreams who
Make me see that chaos of panic
that is already filling my heart

Come on and push me,
just push me, closer to the edge
staring down at the almost forgotten dreams,
blinded by the fear and the tears
and just when I think I might not fall after all,
that I will just stay here,
you'll throw me down and make me fly
You'll force me to do what I thought I couldn't
what I thought I was not strong enough to do
And this storm inside of me will rage and let go at the same time
and I will be on my way, at last

Please.
Please rage at me my dear storm.
A Mar 2018
I cannot keep going back
to see if he still lives there
In my heart
A Oct 2020
I awake full of you and nothing else
and when the dreams sink back,
I have nothing left
A Mar 2018
Once they’re here
I know I’ve got them
and I hate it
or
I hate how it makes me feel
every **** time
Like I own them the world
Like I’m unnatural for not loving them the same way
for not pouring and wasting my so pure love
that I don’t even know anymore if I have
For not wanting to depend so entirely on another person
than myself
This.
They can not demand this from me
For it is not their right to demand
Who i decide to share my soul to
other than myself
A Sep 2018
Words
pushing against my chest
longing to get heard,
trying to fit into my heart

Words that I have so carefully
not let in
That I have so intentionally
left outside,
not giving space for them to be spoken

It's just stupid, isn't it?
How they always catch up on you
Whether it's through a sound,
a stroke or simply through a word
How they always stay, no matter how unwanted they are
They always stay

just like you.
A Apr 2020
I'm just so addicted to the feeling of feeling. Of wishing for something more because this can't be it. I want fireworks, smiles that stops the heart, the softest touch of your hand against my waist, explosions and gasps saying all that our mouths can't say when we're breathing in each other. I want a love that you can really feel, that you can touch. I want eyes talking, staring hungrily at me like they just can't have enough. Kisses adoring every inch of my body and you grabbing my hips because you just need me closer to you. I want that. Even if it's just in my head, I want it. So I stay dreaming all my awaken time, knocking me over to feel something more than this nothingness, turning me inside out to find a new angle where I might meet you. Through movies, books, even my own texts. Because I need to feel it to soften this longing. I need to feel like there's something more waiting for me than just these ordinary emotions, this neutral life.
A Apr 2020
Do my words even manage to make sense of what my heart is saying? I'm just too drunk and emotional to fully understand the meaning of my aching, all I know is that I want more.
A Mar 2018
If I could connect my mind with my heart
Maybe I’d be whole
and stable
A Mar 2022
I never felt alive with you.
A Mar 2018
I hear their accusation in their tongue
so desperate for me
Blaming me for not being what they want
what they need
Even though I never promised them that
Even though every inch of my body have openly
and strongly showed them the opposite
Even my lips has hesitated,
not wanting to give too much away
And still
here they are
breathing so quietly that I need to give them what they crave
without even considering that this was their doing
A Apr 2022
Now I can barely recall that which used to destroy me
A Sep 2020
You were mine before I even had myself
and we twirled together, forming intertwined parts were it was impossible to see where you started and I followed

And I held on to you for so long,
like who I was were so dependent on you staying a part of me,
on you staying with me,
for me, in me,
as me
A Mar 2018
all it took
was one sunny day,
together with whispers from the birds, saying that
it will come

and the asphalt under your shoes tells the same story,
the same as the trees, longing for cover
as well as the smiles of the long forgotten people
(and their happiness mesmerizes you)
and suddenly, even the snow with its final breath agrees
that ****, it is probably coming

And the conflict starts.

your heart that screams of drunkenness,
of wanting to burst, to be too **** high,
of being alive
crashes into your logic, your brain,
saying “but this is good too”
that this is the balance you need,
the safe, the expected.
the love.

but when you’ve been starved for the ups
the whole winter,
eating only cold, white life
it is hard to listen
and the colours of spring entices you,
making the black and white,
the sense,
draw its last breath
as you walk away into the spring
leaving all the beauty of winter
to thaw out,
leaving no trace
except for a constant reminder of the
cold parts in you that will never be warm
A Mar 2020
To all the boys who have ruthlessly clinged themselves upon me, forcing me to make room for them, demanding me to fit into their dreams of me, expecting me to perform, wanting me to take them in.

To all the boys who have made me change for them, rushed my development, taking me out into the wilderness, so far away that I no longer could find my way back home.

To all of you who have shaped me into who I am today, leaving me less naive, so careful of others' feelings after learning to put theirs ahead of my own.

To all of you who have left me shining from all the love, more in touch with my feelings and my gut, a bit harder but beautiful in the adore from your eyes.

To all of you - I am done. I have nothing left to say to you, I've already thought it all. But to myself - I made it home. Bruised, scared and scarred but I made it. And even though it isn't what it used to be, I'm still back and the next time I go, it will be when I want to go and not because of a stupid boy.
A Nov 2019
It had been interrupting us all night
That electricity between us that we tried to reach by sitting closer, letting our eyes whisper and our thighs caress longing words to each other, making sure we were always together
Our laughter mixed and our hands clasped in our knees

I swear, that night we could have caught fire

And all those feelings we had craved so greedily finally threatened to explode upon us right where we stood,
drunk and inches away from each other, packed on a trash can, trying to reach the sky from the roof
and I knew that if I just looked up,
we would fall into each other and never come back up

So I didn't

I didn't allow us to scream all that we had felt during the night
Instead, I stared down, hiding from your gaze full of dreams, tucking it all far away in my heart,
stashing it so my boyfriend would never find it
A Feb 2019
'What is worse' you say,
'is being left
without a choice
and the only thing you can do
is to adapt to the situation
of being alone'

And as I dry my eyes on my hand, I say 'no'

'What is worse is having to face the decision
over and over again
without coming closer to knowing
what is right
or wrong'.

'What is worse' I say,
'is to be next to someone
and still be alone,
and not knowing
if you're gonna crush their world
or ignoring your own.

So no, what is worse
is to never truly understand
what you should
or shouldn't
have done
and yet,
the choice is always at your hands'
A Oct 2018
The breath
so heavy,
so rough to get out,
sticking in the throat on it's way up
building a block in the chest,
pushing me down
sinking into my stomach,
creating waves of worry,
waves of ache,
forcing everything else away

and I'm left with this storm
raging inside of me
making me numb
making my heart both stop
and race
at the same time
as if it alternately gives up
and alternately keeps trying
so lost in the thunder
that it can't see the way out
any way out

And it's just like us
I just keep giving up
whilst my mind tries yet again,
thinking that maybe this time
maybe I'll get what I need
what I want
what I crave
without really believing it
without any burning hope
just a burning lump
spreading
taking over my body
my mind
and my breath
can hardly push it's way through it
can hardly get out

Just like me
stuck within what used to be us
A May 2020
Men will never feel how much heartache your sisters can bring to you. They will never know how much hope and despair that can fit into your softly chosen words, the ones you balanced on knife edges to find. They will never have to turn themselves inside out in order to do so, they will never even have to find them. And they will never grasp how fully your life can stop as she refuses to look you in the eyes.

Men will never have to learn the sinking feeling of emptiness as you realize you couldn't help after all. Not this time either. And they will never experience how much this will break your heart.

No, men will never understand the true meaning of the ultimate words "I've just talked to him and he's really sorry. We're gonna try again".

— The End —