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1d · 25
- the sacrifice
A 1d
I think I started giving up on us when you asked me to be you
but I still stayed longer than I should've because I wanted you to see how absolutely beautiful you could be before I returned to myself
Oct 16 · 41
- the self love
A Oct 16
"Because they want to" is never reason enough. It is barely a reason at all.
Oct 16 · 28
- the treacherous mind
A Oct 16
I awake full of you and nothing else
and when the dreams sink back,
I have nothing left
A Oct 11
I'm mad at myself for wanting something more than me. How can I not be enough?
Oct 7 · 76
- the consequences
A Oct 7
You just have that effect on me
where you get into every inch,
fill every cell,
until you are perfectly everywhere

Until all I say is you,
until your taste,
your cool tongue against mine,
is all I can breathe

Until I can't see,
blinded by the spark in your brown eyes,
making everything turn into your color

Until my words of you
are just pouring out of my fingers,
trying to grasp as I write you down

And you even make me wake up
with your name ringing in my head,
as if I've been calling for you all night

And I know our memories back and forth,
I've visited them so often
that they are tattooed across my mind,
carved into my chest,
so even my heart knows when to skip that beat

But it just gets hollow,
filling myself up with old memories,
so torn and tormented,
so far away from you

Like I'm living out of old air,
to thin to give any real release
but to lightheaded to stop
Oct 7 · 64
- the ache
A Oct 7
I've written a hundred books in my mind,
longed thousands of nights,
dreamt a million days away
and yet, you are not here
Sep 12 · 152
- the reality
A Sep 12
It broke into my fantasies, crushing my daydreams. Making my longing break into an ever higher pace whilst the rug was pulled from under my feet. Facedown, sweat and tears, blood and pieces. Tasting the rock bottom, falling from the clouds. Breaking my bones, my connection to you, making me blind.

It really did break my heart, seeing you two.

Broke it in a non-refundable kind of way, a permanent way. Broke the pieces I'd left of you, for you, saved, so that we could one day return.
Sep 8 · 83
- the pms
A Sep 8
It's just so in your heart, this whole day

Like up in your throat, in your chest and just everywhere, blocking the sun from warming you up

Filling you up with a scream, making you desperate to get out, to run, but making it impossible to move. Making you unable to tear away from this sinking feeling, dragging you down

Swirling into your mind until it's all you can taste, blinding your eyes until it's all you can feel

And it just eats you up, leaving you numb for days til the point where you cannot remember how beautiful your mind used to be, because there is no way it ever was

Until it stops. And for a gorgeous while, you can breathe clear air again.

Until it starts all over.
Sep 8 · 30
- the young
A Sep 8
You were mine before I even had myself
and we twirled together, forming intertwined parts were it was impossible to see where you started and I followed

And I held on to you for so long,
like who I was were so dependent on you staying a part of me,
on you staying with me,
for me, in me,
as me
Aug 26 · 28
- the melancholic
A Aug 26
You are so much closer to me tonight
even though it was half a life ago since we last spoke

And the words I have written about you,
the words we shared every night,
our words,
they are ringing so loud in my ears

As if we were still there.
As if life never happened.
As if the nights and the words still belonged to us
Aug 18 · 216
- the depression
A Aug 18
me, wanting to be alone whilst feeling so alone at the same time
Aug 17 · 622
- the cost
A Aug 17
I never truly understood the meaning of 'devastated' until I was
Aug 4 · 306
- the dreams of summer
A Aug 4
I'm packing all my dreams and fantasies together with my summer dresses and my bare feet. I make sure to fill my heart and bag up with so much joy that I definitely will be disappointed when I don't find you this summer either.
Aug 4 · 312
- the dead end
A Aug 4
I keep letting you in,
forgetting that I don't know what to do with you
I try going back, visit us when we were we,
I try to imagine you in my future,
I even try to fill my present with your name on my tongue
but I just can't find any place where you can stay,
where I can make you stay

And it's just such a waste, that's all,
because every scenario of us still makes perfect sense
Jul 8 · 134
- the butterfly effect
A Jul 8
They say that the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane
and as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling
whilst emotions are throwing themselves
all around my chest,
I say that a thought can create a hell lot more of a mess
A May 4
Men will never feel how much heartache your sisters can bring to you. They will never know how much hope and despair that can fit into your softly chosen words, the ones you balanced on knife edges to find. They will never have to turn themselves inside out in order to do so, they will never even have to find them. And they will never grasp how fully your life can stop as she refuses to look you in the eyes.

Men will never have to learn the sinking feeling of emptiness as you realize you couldn't help after all. Not this time either. And they will never experience how much this will break your heart.

No, men will never understand the true meaning of the ultimate words "I've just talked to him and he's really sorry. We're gonna try again".
Apr 24 · 390
- the intruder
A Apr 24
He'll come back
He always does
Finding his way back into your bones that carried him for so long
Returning to your blood, leaving it burning and cold at the same time
And even your hips will remember his hands, as they reach up towards them
Whilst your stomach will feel the exact same revolting butterflies as it used to

You'll find him everywhere
You'll see him in your words, the ones he taught you to say
In your chest, when it's getting harder to breath
You'll even taste him in your mouth from when you breathed him
From when you let him get into every inch of you
And now he'll always come back
Not for you, but he'll always come back
Apr 13 · 199
- the urge
A Apr 13
I'm just so addicted to the feeling of feeling. Of wishing for something more because this can't be it. I want fireworks, smiles that stops the heart, the softest touch of your hand against my waist, explosions and gasps saying all that our mouths can't say when we're breathing in each other. I want a love that you can really feel, that you can touch. I want eyes talking, staring hungrily at me like they just can't have enough. Kisses adoring every inch of my body and you grabbing my hips because you just need me closer to you. I want that. Even if it's just in my head, I want it. So I stay dreaming all my awaken time, knocking me over to feel something more than this nothingness, turning me inside out to find a new angle where I might meet you. Through movies, books, even my own texts. Because I need to feel it to soften this longing. I need to feel like there's something more waiting for me than just these ordinary emotions, this neutral life.
A Apr 5
When the world has gone quiet, it's harder to drown out the cries from the chest, to not listen to the desperate longing for more

And when the world is so grey, it's not easy to keep painting your life with colors, not when you're starting to run out of yellow, orange, red and all that beauty that used to make you shine

And when the only person you see is your reflection, it's difficult to not judge what you see, to not glower bitterly at yourself saying 'is this all there is now? Am I just stuck here with you?'

And when the only one you're talking to is yourself, it's just impossible to not notice that the one talking badly about you, the one hurting you, is the only one you got right now and I need to turn this around because oh my god, I wanna thrive with colors and sing whilst I place beautiful flowers in my head and mind, smiling at my own company.
Apr 4 · 345
- the wine
A Apr 4
Do my words even manage to make sense of what my heart is saying? I'm just too drunk and emotional to fully understand the meaning of my aching, all I know is that I want more.
A Apr 4
People talk about near-death experiences and I feel like me almost staying with you was one. Me settling, saying 'fine, this is fine' whilst my heart cried for more, that was definitely one. It feels like I've just made it out alive, my heart bleeding, my mind a mess and my arms so tired from carrying you but still, I made it.
Apr 2 · 185
- the passing
A Apr 2
It's a hurricane in my chest today and that wind is howling so loud in my mind, so I'll just lay here on my couch and watch how the storm twirls inside of me, turns me inside out, and wait it out.
Mar 30 · 165
- the evolution
A Mar 30
I just feel so small and everything else is so huge and it keeps piling up on me, smothering me, until all I can see and breath is this wall of musts and responsibility and endless tasks and emotions that won't stop pressing up in my throat and I can't cry, I just don't take the time to do it, everything else is too demanding that I can't even do that, and I don't remember anymore how to relax my shoulder or unclench my jaw and I just can't see any pause ahead, no oasis of breathing deeply again in the near future, no space for just me to be.
Mar 8 · 155
- the sun
A Mar 8
And it was just as beautiful as he said it was.
But as I asked him to lift me higher, he put me down and left me there on the floor. And Lord, I don't think you've ever seen anything so black as after you've seen the sun, like truly seen it.

It just makes all the other colours disappear with him.
Mar 8 · 204
- To all the boys
A Mar 8
To all the boys who have ruthlessly clinged themselves upon me, forcing me to make room for them, demanding me to fit into their dreams of me, expecting me to perform, wanting me to take them in.

To all the boys who have made me change for them, rushed my development, taking me out into the wilderness, so far away that I no longer could find my way back home.

To all of you who have shaped me into who I am today, leaving me less naive, so careful of others' feelings after learning to put theirs ahead of my own.

To all of you who have left me shining from all the love, more in touch with my feelings and my gut, a bit harder but beautiful in the adore from your eyes.

To all of you - I am done. I have nothing left to say to you, I've already thought it all. But to myself - I made it home. Bruised, scared and scarred but I made it. And even though it isn't what it used to be, I'm still back and the next time I go, it will be when I want to go and not because of a stupid boy.
A Mar 8
I have thought hundreds of poems about you and you have sprayed my name across a town
We have talked throughout the nights and dreamt the days away
And my heart has melted every time your eyes lit up when you said my name

I have missed you so much that it hurts
Wished me away to that **** small town you're trapped within, the one that you longed to get out of, that you clung away from until you no longer existed

And I hate what it did to you

How it got you to color everything black and white,
Got you to stare throughout the nights and sleep the days away
Until your eyes no longer shined of wild dreams and hope
Until you no longer said my name

And if I had been brave enough, if you had let me, I would have taken you away from there,
I would have saved us,
before you became that stranger

And now you will always be the one who could have been but never will be
A Mar 8
My heart
swelling
in my chest,
trying to stop
my tongue
from destroying this,
from destroying everything

But


"I can't..."

and just like that
our hearts stop

and it becomes too late
Feb 9 · 178
- the naive
A Feb 9
All those thousand dreams of how I'll meet you
is keeping my chest calm
Jan 15 · 89
- the ending
A Jan 15
Yet again, we sat on a bench, this time without dark, grey clouds. And we erased away each other from our phones, we took away all that was us. And we said how much we loved each other and we cried. And when we once again walked away, I cried because I had gotten my ending, at last, the one I had wanted for so long. I was finally free from and so I kept crying.

And that was the last time it was us. The last time we met when it was real.

Afterwards, you have been in my mind more than I thought was possible and we have seen each other less that I believed we would, without really looking and never letting each other even a meter close to our hearts, never wanting to risk ever again to destroy everything we have so carefully rebuilt.
Jan 15 · 145
- the sweet storm
A Jan 15
Come at me wind
make me twirl inside of you,
make my skirt and my hair fly
until I no longer knows where I am
Let me hear your growling strength
and let's see who outscreams who
Make me see that chaos of panic
that is already filling my heart

Come on and push me,
just push me, closer to the edge
staring down at the almost forgotten dreams,
blinded by the fear and the tears
and just when I think I might not fall after all,
that I will just stay here,
you'll throw me down and make me fly
You'll force me to do what I thought I couldn't
what I thought I was not strong enough to do
And this storm inside of me will rage and let go at the same time
and I will be on my way, at last

Please.
Please rage at me my dear storm.
A Jan 15
I will make new stories
I must
The old ones are getting sore and stretched out and I refuse to let this be all, to let this be it.
Jan 15 · 99
- the illusionist
A Jan 15
All those dreams of how I'll meet you are keeping my chest calm
A Nov 2019
It had been interrupting us all night
That electricity between us that we tried to reach by sitting closer, letting our eyes whisper and our thighs caress longing words to each other, making sure we were always together.
Our laughter mixed and our hands clasped in our knees.
I swear, that night we could have caught fire.

And all those feelings we had craved so greedily
finally threatened to explode upon us right where we stood,
drunk and inches away from each other, packed on a trash can trying to reach the sky from the roof
and I knew that if I just looked up,
we would fall into each other and never come back up.
So I didn't.

I didn't allow us to scream all that we had felt during the night.
Instead, I stared down, hiding from your gaze full of dreams, tucking it all far away in my heart,
stashing it so my boyfriend would never find it
Aug 2019 · 176
- Choking
A Aug 2019
Today the words are too close.
Maybe tomorrow I can breathe again.
May 2019 · 132
- the anticlimax
A May 2019
I'm trying to reason with myself,
that of course I'm gonna miss you at times
and there’s nothing more to that

Especially nights like this
when our teams are facing each other,
at last,
the thing we always said would be so fun
And yet, here I am
Watching football all alone
Trying to not read into the feeling inside my chest
Screaming that I did a mistake
Mar 2019 · 1.3k
natural rage
A Mar 2019
What if *** is there just to give us a release,
to let out all the anger and disappointment
we otherways just stash up behind a smile
Maybe it's a way to let that long finger out
from our pocketless pants
and throw it in their ignorant faces
Mar 2019 · 58
- the one left behind
A Mar 2019
A ******* smack in the face
When you're talking about what you've been doing
over new years eve
over birthdays
over every ******* weekend

And you're not even considerate about my feelings anymore
guess you've forgot the part I was of your group
how important I was

Now, I'm just a friend and nothing more
whilst you continue
living life together
as a whole
Feb 2019 · 168
- What is worse
A Feb 2019
'What is worse' you say,
'is being left
without a choice
and the only thing you can do
is to adapt to the situation
of being alone'

And as I dry my eyes on my hand, I say 'no'

'What is worse is having to face the decision
over and over again
without coming closer to knowing
what is right
or wrong'.

'What is worse' I say,
'is to be next to someone
and still be alone,
and not knowing
if you're gonna crush their world
or ignoring your own.

So no, what is worse
is to never truly understand
what you should
or shouldn't
have done
and yet,
the choice is always at your hands'
Dec 2018 · 216
- the missing dream
A Dec 2018
I just want someone who,
above all,
craves me,
wants me,
desires me
and my perfect imperfections

A passion expressed in love,
not one that turns into insecurity
and disbelief
Dec 2018 · 697
- the other side
A Dec 2018
When your chest is weighing you down,
shrinking you into fetal position,
then it's hard to miss being able to breath lighlty
because every inch of you are trying to resist
getting stuck on the ground

every inch of you are trying to fight those ghosts in your head
that the demanding och oppressing world around you summoned,
called upon,
without bothering telling how you would get rid of them
without even caring if you did
as long as they didn't have to carry it all by themselves

and how could you ever have kept track on yourself
when so many have pushed themselves upon you,
plunged into your heart, forcing them into your hopefull mind,
breaking down the childish, open mind that had survived so far
but not this.
Not this.

And the weight and darkness of everyone else
seeking shelter in your loving soul
took over
leaving no space for you
so how could your clear breath had survived?
How could anyones air not get polluted and trapped?
And how could you even miss the lightness of your breath
once you started to believe it was only a myth
because you hadn't felt it in so long,
you had just felt everyone else's writched breath

But through all this
you found that the ground wasn't quicksand
and yes, maybe your innocence never will fully recover
but you will find the ability to blindly believe again
to throw yourself out there, trusting the leap of yourself
trusting that everything will be solved
because hey,
against all odds,
you just made it through.
Oct 2018 · 213
- with or without
A Oct 2018
The breath
so heavy,
so rough to get out,
sticking in the throat on it's way up
building a block in the chest,
pushing me down
sinking into my stomach,
creating waves of worry,
waves of ache,
forcing everything else away

and I'm left with this storm
raging inside of me
making me numb
making my heart both stop
and race
at the same time
as if it alternately gives up
and alternately keeps trying
so lost in the thunder
that it can't see the way out
any way out

And it's just like us
I just keep giving up
whilst my mind tries yet again,
thinking that maybe this time
maybe I'll get what I need
what I want
what I crave
without really believing it
without any burning hope
just a burning lump
spreading
taking over my body
my mind
and my breath
can hardly push it's way through it
can hardly get out

Just like me
stuck within what used to be us
Sep 2018 · 441
- the unwanted
A Sep 2018
Words
pushing against my chest
longing to get heard,
trying to fit into my heart

Words that I have so carefully
not let in
That I have so intentionally
left outside,
not giving space for them to be spoken

It's just stupid, isn't it?
How they always catch up on you
Whether it's through a sound,
a stroke or simply through a word
How they always stay, no matter how unwanted they are
They always stay

just like you.
Aug 2018 · 269
- the run away
A Aug 2018
You cannot change my decision,
you can only make the pain more thorough

Because, you see, this isn't the first moment we're discussing this
this is only the moment I'm showing it to you
this is only the moment I'm sure I'm done.

Because
I've been on my way a long time now,
I've just clinged on
a little while longer
But.
The decision is already taken,
no more words can postpone it
I'm already gone
Aug 2018 · 362
- the denial
A Aug 2018
I hate it every time the feelings find you
before your words
And then, after two years, one minute or five hours
or whenever they bother showing up,
it's like your heart and your stomach just sitting there
saying "we told you so"
and you hate them for speaking so clearly
whilst you refused to
Jul 2018 · 642
- the coming home again
A Jul 2018
I love how my voice feels
after being gone
for so long

but
it also makes me sad to realise
I haven't heard its strength,
not since I met you
Jul 2018 · 621
- The long gone summer
A Jul 2018
I miss how the smell of grass made my feet smile
how the sun made my belly tickle
how the waves made my heart jump with fascination
and how I made myself feel safe

How the clear blue sky made my mind full of hope
how the birds made my ears relaxe
how the gravel made my legs extend
how I gave me joy

I miss the summers innocence
mixed with my childish naivety,
when all it took was a day full of summer
for me to be full of light
for me to feel happy
Jun 2018 · 406
For my sisters and me
A Jun 2018
For all of us who have bashed ourselves numb
trying to be there
(for our brothers)

For all of us who have locked our hearts inside
settling with a joke
(for our fathers)

For all of us who have loved them more than ourselves
more than we could handle
(for our men)

For all of us who keeps putting our friends before us
always coming last place
(for our loved ones)

For all of us whose hearts are out there, feeling with everyone
trying to save strangers with one look
(for our fellow humans)

For all of us who can have amnesty and forgiveness to all others
seeing their imperfections as beauty
(for everyone besides us)

For us
We will learn
We will sympathize
We will passionately love ourselves
more than we have loved anyone else

At last
we will free ourselves
Apr 2018 · 269
Soft
A Apr 2018
Let the soft stay with you
Do not change it for brutality,
Anger
Stress
Pain

Instead,
let it keep you
and them
Let it spread over the trees,
through the meadows
Let it tangle itself in the black curls of scarred people
Let it grow inside of everyone
Let it let you remain yourself,
the soft, wonderful being that you really are
A Mar 2018
all it took
was one sunny day,
together with whispers from the birds, saying that
it will come

and the asphalt under your shoes tells the same story,
the same as the trees, longing for cover
as well as the smiles of the long forgotten people
(and their happiness mesmerizes you)
and suddenly, even the snow with its final breath agrees
that ****, it is probably coming

And the conflict starts.

your heart that screams of drunkenness,
of wanting to burst, to be too **** high,
of being alive
crashes into your logic, your brain,
saying “but this is good too”
that this is the balance you need,
the safe, the expected.
the love.

but when you’ve been starved for the ups
the whole winter,
eating only cold, white life
it is hard to listen
and the colours of spring entices you,
making the black and white,
the sense,
draw its last breath
as you walk away into the spring
leaving all the beauty of winter
to thaw out,
leaving no trace
except for a constant reminder of the
cold parts in you that will never be warm
Mar 2018 · 96
- the murderer
A Mar 2018
To many boys
have put their life in my hands
Forcing me to choose
between mine or theirs
And who can endure with so much blood on the hands?
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