I want
To be
Dead

We could both pretend
That 40 minutes was
Enough
For what you wanted to
Do to me

You’re sitting in the eye of the storm, love
Don’t you dare move, or it’ll blow you away
I am a hurricane
And you’re an umbrella that got caught up in me
And won’t escape in one piece

You’re wrapped in my coils, love
I am the snake with hypnotic eyes
And you are the boy who fell into my trap
Keep breathing while you can
I’ll suffocate you before you ever get free

You’re treading water, love
I am the ocean
And you’re just a swimmer braving the waves
You should’ve stayed on the shore
Because the undertow will drown you

You’re caught in the lie, love
It fell off my lips
And it said that I love you, and that I’ll be good
Go ahead and believe me
I’ll smile as I break you

You’re just a fool, love
You thought you could own me
But I belong to the world
And it tastes better than your happiness
It feels better in my arms

My apologies darlin'
That I made you feel human for a moment
So human that it drove you
To bite
The only hand
That has ever fed you
In any way that mattered at all

I'm sorry for meaning something

Everyone has a favorite ex.



Everyone is the one who got away. I'm broken as all ****. I don't know how to let go. I keep starting new problems. I'm at my very core exactly the ***** my father was and accused me of being. I wish I wasn't this way

I wish
I wasn't
This way


But I've written more poems about you than anyone I've ever known. I crave you more than a cigarette. I can't help myself. Even when we're all together I give you the look. I use the name I called you in bed. I can't sit here and pretend you don't miss me. I can't sit and pretend you don't want to kiss me. To touch me one more time. No matter how long it's been and how far we've come and how much we love each other's significant other. Regardless of circumstance. If we could do it one more time. If we could play pretend and go back just for a night. I would pick you. You would pick me. No telling. No taksies backsies. We would.

I'm proud as **** of you. I'm glad I get to be here for this.
All I wanted was to be here for this

But I would be under you in a heartbeat if you asked
If you offered
If we spent a second alone.


I love you still
I miss you

What's wrong with me?

Why do I cry sometimes,
Then cry harder when
I don't know why I
Was crying in
The first place?

Why do I look at him
And love him more
Than anything in
the whole world
Then slip away
While he's asleep?

Why do I wake up
And close my
Eyes again because
I don't want to
Live anymore but
I'm far too afraid
To actually die?

Why am I depressed
So much so that
I no longer feel
Anything but the
Cold that lingers
Outside of my
Window promising
Another winter all
Alone surrounded
By Christmas and
Hot-Chocolate filled
Kisses full of love?

Why am I sad
And wishing for
Love that never
Would have gone
Anywhere but down
Hill for everyone?

Why don't I
Love him like
I want to
Instead of promising
Things that I
Can't really make come
True for us?

Why am I so broken
That I can feel pieces
Of me floating
Around in my chest
Scraping against my
Ribs and trying to
Free themselves from
The darkness that
Hides inside me?

What's Wrong With Me?

I'm just so tired
Of being so hurt all the time
I just want to be left alone
No more friends
No more lovers
No one to hurt me

I used to be so afraid of being alone
Now I crave it like a drug

Just let me be

How do I tell you
That I miss your hell fire?

Cigarettes in the middle of the night
Wine by campfire light
Lakeside loops
Hula hoops
You were the whiskey in my Dr. Pepper
My now until forever
We walked through the darkness as a pair
I still make our drive but you're not there
I miss you

My feet are freezing
And my hands are shaking
And the future is suddenly incredibly unclear

But then I think of us
And the way you smile at me
And the way it feels when you kiss my neck

I think of your voice
And how you've loved me
And how long you've waited

I think of life
And how beautiful it is when you're around
And how much I want you to stay

I think of you and I can breathe.

It's beautiful
Everything that you are now
And everything that you will create
I am excited as much as I am scared
Scared for you
Scared for me
Where will you go?
Will you leave me here?
Please, Please don't go.
I want to be a part of this.
Because it's beautiful and I can't do it.
There are too many risks if I try.
Please let me be there.
Please let me help you.
Give me a purpose.

. . . You
**** me, you
Are the best thing that has ever
Happened to . . . Me. . .

Everything is terrifying and uncertain and I just want my daddy

Never have I come so close.
I tasted the barrel but it was bitter
Baby you don't notice
And I'm so tired
But there are so many promises
So many
Stay here with me
For the end
This isn't the end
But I'm drunk and alone again
There's the rhyme
I've been craving

I might be a devil.
A soul ******* succubus from hell
Coming up to claim my prizes
Fill my goodie bag full of shiny ****** hearts
And pretty little promises
Look me in my face and ask me if I love you
I don't know
I don't know if I have ever loved anyone
The more I stare into my own emotions
The more unclear they become
I don't know that I have ever
Given love that I didn't use for my own vain agenda
To build myself up into this beautiful crystal castle
Looking down on everyone
Who I claim to put above myself
Is it love?
Or is it slavery?
Am I a saint?
Or am I a ghost?

They say that you were an angel
Who just wanted to go home
I say that you were broken wings
That forgot how to fly

*The Suicide Diaries

When it takes everything in me not to hold a gun to my head just for fun. Not for serious because the temptation would be too real. But just for fun. Nights like these are as close to therapy as I'll ever get. Only because I didn't do it

You knew
Last night when I didn't
Sleep in your bed
That I'm leaving you

My love
I don't know why the universe
Blatantly refuses
To let us face something together

. . . "You are dusk on my horizons," I muttered, as I stroked the familiar line of his shoulder blade.
"I think you mean dawn," he scoffed, as he rolled away from me like he had one thousand times before.
"No . . ." I whispered at his retreating form. "Dawn brings the light. Dusk . . . Dusk steals it away."

You looked at me
Like I looked at you
And for a moment
*It was love

I found comfort
In your being
Beside me
In a crowd
In the car
In the world
In a moment

That's why I have so many empty spaces

You took me to all of your favorite places
Showed me around your home town
Introduced me to your mother
You fed me
You held me
We made plans
We made dinner
You lied to me
You threw me away
You made me feel like I was crazy
You told me it was my fault
You told me I wasn't good in bed
Like you didn't tell me
That my body was beautiful
"Pay attention to my actions"
See what you want to see
"I still care about you"
I'm going to keep you until I don't need you

I'm ******* terrified.
If I lose you then the sun won't rise again.
I love you.
Three years later and I'm taking this chance.
I only hope that God gives me the strength,
To love you like I want to.

Daddy we've had this conversation
One hundred times I swear
But I am so tired Daddy.

Everything only gets worse.
It never gets better
No matter how hard I try
Or what I change

And Daddy I'm so tired today
So so tired
And I really wish I could tell you
All about it

That's life kid

But Daddy I'm tired

I read over that last message
Over
And
Over
Because I just can't delete it
Just like I can't forget you
I put it in my archives
So it's out of sight
Or easier to find
Whichever
And I check it every so often
To make sure you haven't missed me
Like I still miss you
Despite us both
It's so ******* stupid
You hurt me so deep
******* man
I hope you find someone to
Put up with your ****

******* Kid.
You are the only one.
The only one who could **** away
All the times he touched me
And I didn't want it.

You.
Are the only one who could grab me by the throat and I wouldn't panic

You. Baby.
Are the only one who could make it better. Make it go away.

You

Are busy elsewhere and I'm a grown woman ashamed of *** with no way out, and you are ******* the hottest ***** I know.

I had it bad for YOU though, baby boy.

Living tastes like
The "bubblegum" flavor antibiotic goo
They gave me as a child
To cure my ear aches
You would feed it to me
From a plastic tube
As I cried about the taste
And you would tell me
That it's bad now
But it would make me feel better


It tastes bad now

But you're not here to hold my hand
Or feed me wisdom from a tube
To make it better


My husband walks through life
And doesn't for a single second
wish for death
Not like I do
It's ******* fantastic to watch

Now you can watch me
And you finally see what I've been saying
For so long
That I am tired


Are you sad for me
Or are you disappointed in me
You gave me such a chance
And I took it
But everyday is a struggle
Being alive is an infection
And there's no more medicine in my bottle

I'm so ready
Because you are it for me
Why aren't you?
What's wrong with me?

Maybe I never really loved you
But I watched "The Office" with you
Even though I'm not one of the people
Who gets "The Office"
So I definitely really loved you

These days
When I think of you

It's that black sweater with the sleeves pushed up

I love my husband
He's never done anything wrong
I'm so ****** up
My brain is shorted out

You want to **** me?
Get a handful
Of whatever

But your time is short

You want me to love you?
Let me do that.
I'll stay for so long
Forever

Platonic cuddling
Back rubs
Daily talks
Doing anything for you

Get me naked once?
You've got six months

I want you to keep me
I want to keep you
I'd give you all the things you never had

Please
Please
Please
Please


Just like me for who I am
Because I love you

I mourned you
As if you had died
Then I saw you today
With my own eyes

And it sparked joy in me
That you were alive
Remembering a time
When you were by my side

It wasn't easy for me
Seeing your ghost
The very soul
Who I'd loved the most

But there you were
Bag in your hand
Unkept beard on your face
Less of a boy more of a man

So consider these words
A lingering kiss goodbye
Because you've still left me
And I still don't know why

Why do I always look back to you
When nothing about US made sense
How is it that so much later
You cross my mind
And I'm still jealous
Of the life you built with someone else
Even though I'm living mine
And I'm fine
And I don't want you
I swear

Has anyone else called you by your real name in bed. . . ?
Asking for a friend

******* me won't fix you but we can pretend
Get a fistful of hair
Arch my back
Watch me bend
Making you feel powerful
Makes me feel valuable

Did you have a bad day?
Tell me about it while I kiss your neck
There's no better way to solve it than with ****
Are you sad? Show me.
Own me. Control me.

Slap me while you do it
If that will help you work through it
Bruise me. Abuse me.
Any way to make it go away
Use me


Give it to me I can take it

I can't help but be jealous
Of the other women who've had you
Because your body and soul
are connected
*** is such a serious thing for you
And now they carry with them
Pieces of you
I will never touch

The metaphor is:

Staring blankly at a green light as a horn blares behind you

I wish to God
That I could go back
And find all of the moments we shared
So I could read over them
Like a familiar and favorite book
So that maybe
I could find me again

It just makes perfect sense
I put everything I have at risk
Suffer in ways I never have before
Give you the absolute best
That I have ever had to offer
But I am not enough
Again
And it's my fault
Again
And just like always
You have no problem
Declaring that I am your one and only
But somehow
Just like always
No problem moving on

Maybe you just wanted to prove
That you could do it

And just like always
You were right

I solemnly swear not to hurt my own feelings

I miss you.
Call me baby
It's not that I want to take you.

It doesn't have to be like that.
I rooted for you so hard.

I'm still doing it.
Genuinely I love her.
I know you do too.

It's. Not. Like. That.

I'm just so ******* proud of you.
So proud of you baby.

I miss you
I miss you

Maybe I'm drunk as ****
Maybe I wish you still loved me

You want to be his friend
I want you to be his friend

She's my friend
She's so sweet

If we hadn't done what we did
I could've kept you forever











**** your mom
**** my mental health
**** that one dude
I miss you
Miss
You

I successfully washed away
The worst parts of myself
And built a new life
Completely clean

But even though
I'm only a year away from
Having an entire body that you've never touched
That I have tattoos your lips have never seen
I created a self that you don't know

I can't get rid of you

And this life
So perfect
So precious
Seems lacking without you in it

I can't let you go
And I don't know why
What's worse?
Seeing you every once in a blue moon?
Or obsessing about how you're missing from this

This thing that I built to finally rid myself of you

I'm sick.
You're the cure.

I don't trust myself around you
How can the cure also be the poison
A fire that always burns
That could destroy my everything

I miss you. Please call.
You terrify me. Please don't call.