I can show you the world baby,
Then destroy it just as quickly,
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Let me be your everything
It's all yours
As far as eye can see
Thing is it all ends with me
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Say your prayers tonight my love,
Rely on the person above,
To save you from what I am
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
I could hurt you if I tried
Remember today as the day you died
When I took you apart
Piece by piece by piece
Are you ready?
Are you ready?

You deserve the world baby
A pretty wife
A good life
I can give you half that
How about that?
I'd give you everything if I could
I swear to you baby I would
But our daughter would live like me
That's not how life is supposed to be
I love you more than words can express
It's a ******* shame about the rest
Just please, please don't leave me
I love you more the less you believe me
Don't hate me now baby

Things have changed
Instead of going to bed early
So that Santa will bring me presents
I'm up all night
Dwelling on the reasons why
If he was real
I would wake to find coal in my stocking
Seasons greetings I say
To my regrets of the past year
As they sit wrapped in pretty ribbons
Waiting to be put under the tree

People like me
We don't want pretty pictures
We crave the darkest parts of you
The lies you tell
The secrets you keep
All of the sinister thoughts in your head
Your personal form of self destruction is captivating to us
The way the light fades from your eyes
It's enticing

People like me
We won't hesitate to find your flaws
We'll point them out to you
And tell you that they don't matter
The thing you hate the most about yourself
It fascinate us
We'll seek it out and make it a part of us
Rejoice in it
Then make your hatred for it dissipate

People like me
We see beauty in everything
We'll find a rose in a field of ashes
Then pick it just to steal its essence from the world
We'll search for the most sacred elements  of who you are
Then we'll keep them for ourselves
Because deep down we are selfish
We don't want to share you
We want everyone to know that you are ours

People like me
We'll love you
So much so that it surrounds you
Encases you like a prison
But you won't want to escape
We'll love you in a way that feels like a gift
Something to cherish and show to the world
You'll be caught up in it
And you won't notice when it begins to fade

People like me
We're the reason for songs about lost love
Many a night has been spent
Drinking away our memory - or trying to
We are the one who got away
The best thing that ever happened you
The person you can't live without
Our memory will taste sweet
But eventually you'll reject the flavor

People like me
We'll leave you behind a veil of promises-
Promises that we just can't keep
We say that we will love you forever
Then we do it - from a place miles away in the middle of the night
We say that we will never leave you
Then we don't- for the feeling of us never fades
We say that we'll give you our hearts
Then we hand them to you- but they'll crumble to dust in your grasp

People like me
We are lonely
Every second of our lives is spent searching
Or waiting for the right time to leave
When that time has come
We smile and swear that it is for the best
Then cry tears that are dry before we walk away
We sweep up the pieces of ourselves that we gave to you
Then try to put them back together without the ones we missed

People like me
We will ruin you
Everything we do is so fresh- so innocent
We find joy in places where there is only sorrow
Worse yet we bring order to all of your chaos
We make the stars shine brighter for you
Then we steal ourselves back
Hide ourselves away in someone else and all of their messes
Till you can't love again because we were the first and no one compares

People like me
We destroy people like you
And we're so, so sorry

Externally we're a fortress
Built on a mountain conceived of pride
Fearlessly we shine when hit by the sun's ray
But our foundation is made of porcelain
Our walls of glass
We are breakable, dangerously so
Everyday we crumble a bit more
Under the weight of ourselves
The very matter we're made of
Slipping further from the mountaintop
Yet you would never know from the way we look at a distance
Stunning and unobtainable
It's only when you come closer
When you bother to step inside our walls
And hear to the crunch of your footsteps
In our darkest places where all you can do is listen
Can you begin to grasp just how fragile we really are
So do not let us deceive you into thinking you aren't allowed inside
For every fortress was created so that it's beauty could be admired
Inside and out

My heart has never
Been broken by a lover
Never have I been
Left wanting by someone
Who knew my absolute
Darkest or most intimate
Flaws
Moans
Secrets
Edges
I have never tasted
The bitter rejection or
Mind numbing heart
Break that seems
To be the focus of
Many a poem that
Was written during
A fit of
Loneliness in the dead
Of a long, long night
My heart breaks in
The most selfish of
Ways for those who
Have left me when
I begged them
Desperately to
Stay not for one more
Night of reckless
Love-making but
To live out the
Rest of the life that
They were offered but refused
So passionately
To take

Everything that I loved once has died
The people, the pets, the respect in other's eyes
Everything that I have created since will soon be gone
The people and the places will both have moved on
I am tired of rebuilding and sick with hopeless longing
I will have nothing if I am left only with my belongings
What will it look like when I have to start anew
Will I find the person who knows what I've been through
I fear he will slip through my fingers and fade like the rest
Of everything I have suffered that would be the greatest test
The only reason I am alive is love and the feeling of being needed
However life wants to take both of those and thus-far it has succeeded
Please hope for me

You're gone and I'm sick with it
Treacherously wounded
My hair is tied in a knot
My stomach is empty
My eyes are dry
But my cheeks are wet
I'm shaking
A cigarettes between my lips
Forehead against the steering wheel
I didn't deserve this
I never did anything to deserve this

*The Suicide Diaries

*** at 10am
***** at two
Whiskey at six
To forget about you

Everclear at midnight
Water at one
This isn't one of those nights
When I'm drinking for fun

*The Suicide Diaries

What is there left to say?
I've run out of tears
I've run out of pain
Two long years you've been away
What is there left to say?

*The Suicide Diaries

He is very low to the ground
He snuffles and sniffles and waddles around
He makes his home in a tree
What on earth could this creature be?
He has spikes and stickers and quills galore
There's a hint if you didn't know before
If you really stop and search your mind
You'll realize he's a porcupine

It's that time of year again
I hoped that no one would ever be
As wary of the season
As frightened of it as me
The loss of life is treacherous
The pain of it never ends
Whether it was someone you once knew
Or one of your closest friends
I'm so sorry to everyone
Who felt this loss today
I'm sorry for this season
I wish it hadn't gone this way

I finally met someone like me
He's sharp of wit
Charming in attitude
Smooth in conversation
Closed off in emotion
Supportive in nature
Understanding off loss
Non-committal to admissions
He is everything I have ever searched for
Yet because he is such
We can never be
For I am too much like him,
And he is too much like me
So alas I'll watching him pass
Just a drifter such as I
Such a shame it is to find perfection,
Only to watch it pass me by

I'm holding back anger today
Boiling with it
It's waiting on my tongue to escape my lips
Ready to sting anyone who comes too close
Too bad a bee sting does more harm to the bee
Than the one who inspired it to act in the first place

I need something tonight
Something that isn't gentle.
I need teeth leaving marks on my flesh.
A hand pulling my hair.
I need a wall against my back.
Arms to lift me, bend me, control me.
I need to battle.
To hurt.
I need someone to moan in my ear.
To scream.
I need bruises and aches.
I need to wake up tomorrow hurting.
To see the evidence of beautiful violent passion.
I need to be painted black and blue.
I need to feel.
Oh God I need to feel.

I'm basking in sadness
Like lovers do after heated love-making
It coats my skin and leaves me aching for more
Another taste of the pleasure of agony
The only difference is I'm alone
There's no one there tangled up in the mess of me
And in the throes of my passion
There was no one to witness the arch of my back
Or my teeth digging into the softness of the pillow
The bruises it left aren't hand-shaped,
And they lie underneath my skin instead of coloring it
Sweet agony is a lonely existence
Yet one that I invite into the emptiness of my bed as often as I can

How do you prevent something that's already happening?
Death that has already taken a life?
Do you beg?
Do you plead?
No.
You prepare a coffin.
Just like someone's already done for you.
I love you,
And you destroyed me.

*The Suicide Diaries

We will all fall
Just like the leaves
Ending all
The tears we bleed
At seasons change
Our pain will end
Remember me
Goodbye my friend

*The Suicide Diaries

Please go to sleep
Please just go to sleep
Join me in my dreams
Help me because I can't breathe
So please, please just go to sleep

Nothing matters today
I keep breathing
The world keeps spinning
Someone somewhere is dying
Half a bottle in
With a stomach fulls of pills
Bleeding wrists
And tired eyes
Nothing matters today
Tomorrow nothing will change
Tears will be shed
Over the lives lost yesterday
Which seems to be today
Curious how that works
Nothing matters today
Nothing will matter tomorrow
Because in the end,
Nothing really matters

*The Suicide Diaries

When I get low I get way down
Everyone's around
But this feels like a ghost town
I want to scream but I can't make a sound
I wish I could stay but I'm floating away now

I want to be alone
But I don't want you to go
There are words I can't say but I want you to know
I want you to stay but I'm going so low

Loneliness is watching you smoke in the dimness of your porch-light and knowing that I can never join you

Just a second closer to suicide or death.
Whichever comes first leaves behind what's left.
Tell me please lover, which would you prefer?
I'm taking one option and leaving the other for her.
A silent quiet drift away or a violent ****** mess
Give me some notice so I know how to dress
Something pretty and pink or something harsh and black
It'll be a shame to ruin pretty things when you stab me in the back
So please tell me now honey, please just let me know
Should I be afraid to die, or excited to go?
The answers at the bottom of this big jar of pills
Should I take them all right now or one at a time for the thrill?
So wave goodbye darling for this is it for me
I'll let you know if this is as beautiful as you always wanted it to be.

*The Suicide Diaries

Sometimes it is not the reality of a death that shakes us,
But the absence of beautiful life.
How I do so tire of watching all of the beautiful things
Wilt and die.

You go ahead and lie again
We both know what will happen then
Right up until your lips touch mine again
I'll go ahead and ask where you've been
You'll tell me that you love me and then
"Tell me dear, Where you been?"

You said you wouldn't leave me
Yet here I am all alone trying to sleep
My arms aren't as good as her sheets
I thought you'd never cheat or mistreat me?
But you're in her bed fast asleep
Please, make her smile about the stains on her sheets

I see when she calls you on the phone
Don't smell like her when you come home
Or some night you might be sleeping alone
When I don't pick up my phone
I'm what makes this hole your home
Let's see how you fare in this world alone

Here I am
All alone
Breathing
Filling the empty room
With worthless used air
Where are you
Off with her?
Dancing
To a stupid dubstep song
Another tablet melting on your tongue?
It's so late
But I can't sleep
Because you're not in bed
Miles away
Waiting to hold me in my dreams
Thanks, love
For thinking of me

“You’ve ruined me.” She whispered as she ran her fingers through his damp hair. They were fresh from the shower, dripping water all over one another and soaking the sheets. He’d laid her down on top of her towel and made rough love to her in the chill of the evening air that came in through the open windows of his bedroom. Her declaration was quiet and muttered into the space behind his ear. He didn’t respond, at least, not with words. In the cover of darkness she couldn’t see his smile, but she felt the way his lips moved against her neck, and his slight chuckle where his chest rested over hers. He'd ruined her, just like she'd always asked him to, and it was beautiful.

2am and he asks if I want to ****
With no attempt to butter me up

I tell him it all depends on time
It's funny, he doesn't ask to be mine

He tells me he has all the time in the world
I start to wonder if I'm that kind of girl

I tell him not to waste his gas
I guess he thinks I'm a great piece of ***

He baits me with promises of fun
Yet he doesn't try to convince me that he's the one

I tell him that I'm going to bed
He's not getting into my head

He says we'll talk another day
Only if I want it that way

I love it when he asks if I want to **** and smoke
It makes me feel special . . . or like the **** of a joke

Have you ever watched a constant fade and die?
Realized that something you loved was a lie?
I just hope I can erase this from my mind.
I wish that out last goodbye had been the last time.
So that all the good memories didn't lose their shine.
I want life to be a clock that I could turn back in time.
That I could go back to when everything was fine.
When I didn't know the truth and you were beautiful and mine.
The world was ours to shape and design.
Now you're just the liar on the other line.

You taste sweet
Like chocolate kisses and fresh raindrops
You're a warm ray of sunshine
Tickling the cooled skin on my arms
And my quivering lips
You're a soothing melody for when I can't sleep
You're all the things I want to keep


When I was a child he was my plaything
The teddy bear that I cuddled with
And the mirror that I used
When I wanted to learn how to kiss
He is the the song that played on repeat in the back of my mind
The hard piece of bubblegum that cost only a dime

You are my future
He is my past
He was the first
But darling, you are the last

Anger like thunder
Tears like rain
Shaking the ground
I'm a hurricane
I try even breathing
I scream and I shout
As hard as I try
I can't let it out
Nothing lasts forever
Except pain and despair
You know and I know
That I'm a nightmare
Lover take shelter
Find safety in midst the storm
Because I'm made of hell fire
But at least I'm warm

I like the way you feel
And how we laugh
But sometimes it's hard
To let go of the past
I want to never think
Of the time in between
When I was yelling
And he was mean
When his lips were familiar
Just like his sly grin
I love you, honey
But I still want him

Beauty gives and beauty takes
It leaves destruction in its wake
Beauty breathes the breath of life
But in doing so it takes a life
New beginnings and bitter ends
All that's left is loving friends
Youth is given and easily lost
Fun is great but at what cost?
A child's first cry is a mother's dying breath
At least in the end there's still something left

If I told anyone
That I was feeling down today
They would tell me to hush
And that it will be okay
The same thing that I used to say
When I didn't know that sadness
Didn't simply fade away

Somewhere out there
Or very close
There's someone somewhere
There has to be, I suppose
Who understands
Who really knows
How quickly sadness comes
And how slowly it goes

If they're reading this right now
I really wish that someway
That somehow
They'd stop
As the world continued around
To come and hold me
Without making a sound

Just to lie with me for a moment or two
So that I won't be alone
As this storm blows through
And I feel as if,
This is all they'd have to do
So tell me darling,
Is this person you?

I'm choking on all the words I can't say,
And blood from my throat
Because all the pride I swallowed was sharp
And it didn't go down easy
The "I told you so" on the tip of my tongue
Will just have to keep holding on

******* lie to me, love.
Tell me that you'll still be here tomorrow.
When our tired eyes won't stay open through the night.
Tell me that you love the way my hair falls over my shoulders and down my back.
Tangle yourself up in me and kiss my smoky lips.
Leave bruises on my sides in the shape of your hands and force me to remember that you were the one who put them there.
Stop and let the feeling of your lips on my forehead burn its self into my memory.
Roll out of bed and put on your clothes before the sun comes up to shine on your regrets.
I'll pretend to sleep and let you go.
Even though we both know that I'm faking, and that you're a liar.
Steal my favorite bra and the rest of my dignity to go with it.
Take with you the memory of the way your name left my lips while I smiled from beside you in the low lights.
I hope every song that played while you learned my darkest secrets echos over in your head while you're driving or trying to fall asleep.
Maybe you'll taste me on your next cup of coffee, or your bed will feel empty without my heat.
Perhaps you'll see my smile on the face of someone else, or another lover will grip your shirt while they sleep.
The thing about tonight is that your lips are chapped and I feel like a promise you might be able to keep.
I whisper in your ear and my fingers feel nice running through your hair.
I'm not afraid to share my cigarettes, and I sleep on the side of the bed you didn't want anyway.
Tell me you'll stay.
******* lie to me, love.

First sight is too little time but first word is just enough.
I felt the hook slide through my lip and it tasted sweet like lies.
Those words and syllables and ties and lies
Sent tingles from my lips to my hips to my fingertips.
It felt like paisley bandannas and lollipops
From the good old days when raindrops didn’t burn.
Each letter echoed through my ears and out through my nose,
Then I snorted them again like an addict would.
I breathed you and tasted you and pictured you.
I loved you just then.
Listen closely now because I want you to hear me
With your eyes and your lips.
Your ears can rest
Because all you need to know is that
I am not beautiful but I taste like roses.
When the air gets cold and
I can taste the peppermint of winter-time
I’ll think of you and know that you taste it to.
Even if you’re galaxies away and
Can’t hear me when I call you
I know that we are one because
I feel your heart beating
When the hammer slams down and your teeth hit mine.
When the kiss of death falls upon me and
You’re its deliverer and
I can’t breathe but I can scream,
I will surrender to your antics and
Fall slowly with you till the cotton candy clouds catch me.
I’ll know that you never even knew me but
You swept me away anyway.
I’ll love you then.

I am hopeless and broken
and not worthy of you at all.
My skin is thick like leather
and my bones are as fragile as robin’s eggs.
I break each time I bend
and I have no push so I just give.
My eyes are not blue but grey.
Not grey but dead and lifeless.
My hair falls flat and is thin like smoke.
I am not beautiful, but I am a disaster.
I love you
*That's all I have to offer

I fell down today
The world was spinning
But I was standing still
I caught myself against the cheap siding
Of this familiar house
I stopped breathing for a moment
Then I took my wobbly knees
And my unfocused eyes
Right back inside
To hide from everything
That shifted the ground under my feet

It's beautiful
Everything that you are now
And everything that you will create
I am excited as much as I am scared
Scared for you
Scared for me
Where will you go?
Will you leave me here?
Please, Please don't go.
I want to be a part of this.
Because it's beautiful and I can't do it.
There are too many risks if I try.
Please let me be there.
Please let me help you.
Give me a purpose.

Bleached hair
and lined eyes
Looking through
a veil of lies
Red lips
vampire smile
She's going out
she'll do it in style
***** filled kisses
liquor on her breath
Hiding the fact
that she's a mess
Cigarette clouds
float up into the sky
She's feeling down
and she doesn't know why

*The Suicide Diaries

Every wavering breath
Is more peaceful than the last
Holding a sharpened knife
Bleeding away the past
Sometimes the world is grey
And I just feel numb
Sometimes I want to slip away
With the smoking barrel of a gun
Yet each morning I wake up
Blue skies or rain
I dress myself in lies
To try to hide the pain
And here I am again
Breathing in the sorrow
The only thing I wonder
Is if I'll wake up tomorrow

*The Suicide Diaries

For someone in a wooden box
Buried six foot deep under the earth
Rotting away into nothing but bones
No longer breathing
Heart no longer beating
Skin no longer warm
You sure as hell know how to make a girl's heart race

*The Suicide Diaries

Do not make the mistakes that I have
             Let the broken people be broken
       Understand without really understanding
                              Never try too see things as they do
                                             For the more you see as they do
The more like them you will become
             Until you yourself are broken
                              I saw beauty in life till they came along
                                              Now it is empty
Except for the opportunity to understand
             I live to understand
                              To be broken but appear strong
                                               Even though I have held a bottle
My hand shook, but I wasn't afraid
             My eyes were wet but I could not cry
                              I wasn't ready but I wasn't afraid
                                               In that moment I could've died
Leave the brokenness to those who have caught the disease
             Watch them waste away in mournful silence
                             Try not to understand what makes them that way
                                              Or partake in the pinch of a blade
I know you are strong, but so was I
              I was above all the things that crippled them
                              Now here I am shaking on my stilts
                                               Do not try to understand the broken people
                                                          ­             Do Not Be Like Me
*The Suicide Diaries

I don't want to do this today
This breathing with air absent of smoke
This sitting and waiting
This living
I don't want to do this today
I want to lay on my back and mix clouds of smoke
With clouds in the sky
So that I don't have to exist here
In my own mind full of emptiness
Where I can't find what's missing

Don't Leave Me
I beg you
Please don't leave me
I want to clutch your shirt
I want to wrap my arms around your ribs
So I can feel them extend with each breath you take
I need your heat
And to fall asleep with my face hidden in your neck
Just for a moment I might not feel so *alone
Your name should grace my lips
While I feel your skin against my fingertips
Inside I'm screaming for you to return
Apologizing that it took so long for me to miss you
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
At least, not completely.

My lips couldn't move-
To make words that could form-
Any beginning of just-
How sorry I am

I'm ****** up today
The feeling of you is clanging around in my chest
It's not just lingering anymore
It feels too heavy
I'm swimming in an ocean of lost chances
And loving you is a lead weight
That's sinking me to the bottom
I smoked all evening
The smell of cigarettes and despair follows me through the hallways
It isn't deterred by closed doors or sweet-smelling perfume
I'm ****** up today
And you aren't here to see it

*The Suicide Diaries

"We need to talk."* you say, "Give me twenty minutes of your time, you owe me that at least."
That sounds a lot like leaving to me,
But I could just be getting my hopes up.
The other night I strayed from you.
I'll never tell you,
But he was pure and I had to ruin him.
Just like I did you so long ago.
I fell asleep in someone else's arms.
I swore I would never do that didn't I?
You learned long ago that my promises dissolve in the rain.
I love you.
Don't get me wrong.
I love you very much.
Too much.
So much that this is difficult.
I won't miss it at first,
But I will later.
Go on ahead, Love.
Leave me.
We'll be okay.