That night
It was
Us three

Two voices
Speaking. One
Sat silent

Us existing,
Talking, being
Apart, together.

I miss
Your voice
And you

If I wrote a song about me
The intro would be a happy melody.
I’d miss a couple chords
Hum some notes a little too sharp
But it’s okay

The first verse would be laughter
Dancing through the sun’s rays
White keys beneath my fingers
Playing the major

The second verse would fog over
minor notes bleeding through
each wrong sound a confession
I prayed no one would hear

The chorus would unravel
Restless chords, circling, choking
A violin played with shards of glass

The third verse would be filled with screaming
Raw and jagged
Into the void where I hoped to disappear
The fourth would fade into silence
And the fifth would hollow to a ghost

Then the devil's interval would loop, waiting for the next line

There is a stage that no one sees,
built from open arms and steady smiles
The audience, the world, they notice not
The Great Performer amongst them.

He hides his puppet behind curtains,
the curtains made of little things
like silence, shame, a flinch, a tug of sleeve
its screams drowned out by applause

When the mask slips and someone looks,
when light finds what the fabric hides,
the performer straightens, bows, and keeps the act;
a gentle smile—an apology

I cried
But no tears fell,
Frozen by the winter air

Bound by frost
Bound by guilt
Bound by darkness

It carried a lonely chill
That settled in my bones
Forever there

Just like me in my grave
Cradled in the arms of death
Why would I want to leave?

The Captain
taught a man to live
and live he did
for a night
till bitter snow
fell on his tongue
as he swallowed feelings on his tongue
his lips had kissed the summer's dream
a budding dream
chained down by blood
yet for a single shining breath
the world was his oyster
and the oyster was in his hands
and now remains so
forever

I always hated them--
how they left me behind the curtains,
worthless, unseen, forgotten

So when you told me
I was part of one,
shame flooded the courners of my soul

And yet, so did joy;
spreading like a warm fire.
Finally, a place where I belonged.

The greatest tragedy
Is that I'll keep loving you
Knowing you won't love me the same
But still hoping anyways

Faces I knew
Voices I heard
Cadence familiar
They were my world

Terrain has changed
Plants overgrown
Are we still friends?
I no longer know

Don’t look
Please

There’s a reason I’m hiding
A reason for the mask
A reason for the sleeves

Inside is a mess
Of tangled lies and brittle truths
That I’ve stopped trying to understand

And somewhere in there
There’s a child; a puppet
Who just wants to solve the world’s pain

But can’t

So the child hides behind the personas created
Behind stories woven in fiction
Behind poems bled upon
Behind a name
that doesn’t
exist

Tight skin throbbing
Under sleeves long

Prickling hums
Growing red and warm

Sweat trickles
Lines start to ache

Nails making sure
They never fade

My head’s
Six feet
Underwater

I’m trying
Hard
Not to drown

Bubbles
Trailing
From my lips

You’re
The air
Keeping me alive

I can't solve anything

Not my life, or theirs
I can't bring back the missing

Can't hold them as they cry
Can't do anything right
Can't say the right things

Even if you say I do
Cause I know
I know you'll never look at me
The way you look at him

I'm
Just
Backup
The second best
Option

I'm

Falling apart and rotting away
Insecure, lost, with nowhere to stay
Nothing worth loving, an echo to ****
Endlessly crying on my window sill

The days of truth or dare
Sparked then faded
Into smoke

Daily
Turned to scarcely
And helplessly
I watched you flicker

Things were just getting better
You came back!
Then disappeared
All together

Now
I watch the suicide numbers
Rise
And fear that you’re one of them

I never wished you happy birthday
That Sunday
Like I promised I would
Did I?

Can't eat
Can't sleep
Can't stop crying
Can't breathe
Can't live
Can't do dying
Can't write
Can't read
Can't scream aloud
Can't choose
Can't break
Can't shut down
Can't fly
Can't fall
Can't let them know
Can't speak
Can't stay
But still can't go

Open up my skin
Cause I won’t open up my soul
And so I keep it all within
I’m kinda rotting, don’t you know?
I’ll make the body scream
Drown out the spirit’s cries
I’ve been killing all my dreams
Cause in the end they were just lies

It’s alright.
Everyone feels differently.
There is no shame
In what you feel.
Your heart, no matter how different
Is still perfect and beautiful.

It’s alright.
I still love you
And miss you
And know that I matter to you
Just in a different way

It’s alright.
These tears aren’t meant for you
Or anyone else.
Just for me
And the past that can never return

It’s alright.
I just wish I was too.

Roses are red
And so is my blood
You made cuts romantic
But it’s not called love

Too bright, tears fell unbidden
Like leaves do in the winter
When the wind, disappointed, sighs

Too loud. I wished for silence,
For companionship, or nothing at all.
Yet this is no fairy tale

You told me
“Let me see your beautiful smile.
For me, please?”

Thus I hid my face
So you didn't have to see me cry
And so I didn't have to listen

When you kissed me
I tasted him on your lips
You didnt say it
But I knew:
I was always just backup

Sometimes I wonder
If it’s all just in my head
And I should just stop

If I was a melody
Then you would be the harmony
Cause you would be the part of me I lack

And if I was the moon above
Then you would be the sun I love
Yeah you would be the light that I reflect

And I don’t know what I would do without you
All I know is this

The stars could die a million miles away
The earth could shake and cities blaze
Still I would love you—fire, snow or rain
I’d hold you, keep you safe from all the pain

Someone listened.
Someone cared.
And I was not alone
With my fears and tears
And emptiness
For one night.

Measure every word,
Every use of punctuation,
Every emoticon and emoji
Down to the smallest gram

Think twice. No--
Thirteen times,
Before opening your mouth.
And dont talk too much or you're self centred

Check every message, comment.
Nothing too harsh
Nothing insensitive
Nothing that might scare them away
Or tarnish their view of you

Write
Delete
And rewrite
Then quickly send before you chicken out

The puppet said to the sun,
“Never shine upon me.”
And then it said to the clouds,
“Do not hide me from the light.”
And then it gnashed its teeth at the sky, saying,
“I never asked to be seen
I never asked to be hidden
I only asked to be free.”

From young, we play--
Tiny hands, big dreams

Then they hand us books,
And say, study hard.
Why?
So we can work in the future.

Why work? To enjoy.
Then work more
To enjoy a little more.

A loop,
Endless and spinning

So I say good riddance!
I denounce this life and laugh in its face.
It has no meaning.
Not unless you give it one.

The world can give you a hundred reasons.
But none of them are yours
Write your own answer.

Birds fly
So do I--
Lifted by your hands.
Paper *****,
Wrestled falls,
Laughter with no end.

Scars earned,
Lessons learned,
Gearing me for life.
Always here,
Support clear,
Pillar of my life.

"Be flexible, the flexible ones are those who survive."

No.
We are the ones who get taken advantage of.
They see us bend once--
Heart stretching, limbs folding backwards--
We don't break.
Instead we always fix ourselves
A smile stretched across our faces.

And so they pull
Push
Twist
Yank
All because we're flexible
All because we can handle it

Ping
4 unread messages from contact: Cookie Monster

Ping ping
173 unread messages from group chat: cat gang

Ping ping ping ping
392 unread messages from group chat: secret society

I'm drowning
In the words
Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch
Shutting down...

Mute chats?
Yes
Mark all as read?
Yes

Click

Dear E

    I wish I could put into words
    The way you made me feel—
    Loved and worthy, proud and strong.
    You helped my heart to heal

    So many times you held my hand,
    So many times I fell.
    So many days I’ll miss your voice
    When we’ve finished this farewell

    Thank you for all that you’ve done
    For choir (and for me)
    I wish you success, good health too
    And that you’ll be happy

With love, that one junior who always cries :P

2016
You're hurt.
You might not have registered it, but he hurt you.
Many more people will hurt you in the same way.
They will make you feel worthless and replaceable, but you will find friends who stay.

2017
For the first time
You’re mourning for someone you never got to know.
Your mother is hurting—
You feel everything but you won’t understand until till you’re older.

2018
You love him,
But not in the way you think you do.
It won’t stop you from writing letters and holding his hand.
You'll spend many nights humiliated by your actions
And the next six years running away.

2019
You’ll understand sacrifice before you understand suicide,
And realise that everyone becomes orphans
And feel guilt for not paying rent to your parents.
You are not a burden.

2020
You feel trapped and scared
Feeling your fear rise along with the numbers.
But the storm will pass and it will be nothing but a common flu.

2022
For the first 6 months you’ll say your goodbyes
Then you’ll start public school in the middle of the year
You’ll learn profanities you had previously been sheltered from
Papers will pile on your shoulders and you will scream and sob as your soul is shredded over and over again.
You will learn of self harm. You will learn of insomnia.

2023
You will finally be able to name classmates
And race against the boys in PE. You will become class monitor.
You will have demons who shriek lies but also friends who will cover your ears to protect you.
You will wake up everyday with the knowledge that the death of your class is coming.
You telling stories, and stopped writing them too
You will finally talk to him about your mistakes 6 years ago, and leave the scout group in his hands

2024
You will watch as the group chat falls apart.
With you tearing yourself to try and keep the rotting bonds together.
You will tear your throat open screaming, because no one understand why at it's like to feel everything through the screen.
You will try to replace them with your new class, only to be let down again and again.
You will start to write all the hurt in rhymes, spilling your blood over the paper.
You will finally understand suicide, and why people want to die
You will also realise that a friend tried to jump two years ago, and you knew nothing about it.
You will find a find a friend willing to be the harmony to your melody, even if both of you tend to miscommunicate

2025
You've will meet will want to leave school, but also want to stay
You've will meet wonderful people on this website
Listen to their stories; cry for them, fear for them, pray for them
Want to know them better but still be too scared to do so
You will be insecure and distance yourself from friends.
You'll be scared to hurt them.
You’ll hold back because you feel like you’re too much. Don’t go silent.
But the year isn't over yet, so you've got time

I heard her today, you know—
A ghost of my past

And for a moment I forgot.
I forgot what life was like without her voice;

Clear, high, wavering yet confident,
Beauty slowly reclaiming attention from the inky flaws.

She wore a smile that wasn’t made of porcelain
But still fake, cause it wasn’t really real

For she had long faded, like cotton candy slowly melting in humid air,
Along with the wisps of my childhood.

But for the first time since the fall
The little boy began to dream of skies again

I love you

Your guiding hands are always there
To catch me when I fall.
Soft combs through my tangled hair
Hugs, a protective wall.

Your strength's a roaring lioness,
Your heart burning so bright,
Fighting through the crushing stress.
You burn away the night

Is it the words that flow and rhyme
And dance in rhythm, keeping time?

Or is it a line
That breaks when it wants to,
Not when it’s told;
A thought
Spilling without apology?

Or 5-7-5
Secrets whispered by the wind
Words, though few, sing true?

Perhaps it is found behind coughed petals,
Fourteen lines aligning to pave a stage
Where lovers for love charge into battle
And hearts are found pierced or tangled in rage

Or ten words, though short, a poem for the world

Or the sun spilling gold across the sky
Painting clouds as the sea drowns its light.

To me, poetry is emotion;
Memory,
Ink spilled where the heart leaked
And it is not meant for everyone

So brittle
That a single word (or seven)
Could pour salt on my opened palms
And break
My short sense of happiness

When my tears dry
And my sobs cease
Do not mistake it for me calming down.
I've simply realised that you cannot hear my screams
And will say everything but the words I need to hear

When my tears stop
And my sobs fall silent
Do not think I'm doing better.
It just means I've changed the locks
And will continue to break where your gaze won't wander

When my tears shatter
And my sobs lose breath
You will hear everything in that silence
For the ending will be laid out before you
In a casket that will echo my story