As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.

Use me
Hurt me
Abuse me
Exploit me

But please
Don’t toss me away

I saw a familiar face in a crowd
Like dye in clear water
Disappear before I could reach it

I could only watch
As the people that helped me out of my egg
Took flight
As my seniors that showed me how to walk
Spread their wings
As my friends who showed me that path to the skies
Left for the clouds
Now, as I watch over the baby birds,
I know that soon, I too will have to leave.

The claps
Explode inside my ears, thundering blanks of noise
The cheers and chatter
Whispers
Mutters
Rush into my ears like seawater, and I can't help but drown...
Static.
Static everywhere, wires zinging and zapping,
Skewer my brain and blend it into froth
Pouring out of my eyes as I squeeze them shut.
And as the frost rushes through my spine, into my lungs,
Curling its claws around my throat,
My screams for silence are just that.

I have no lover
Nor fiancé
Nor crush or valentine
But still I have
A different kind of love
I can call mine
I have my friends
And family
Whom do I treasure so
They love me well
And I do too, more
Than I can ever show

The biggest shall protect the small
That’s how the doll’s life goes
Lies that cover up the truth
So weakness does not show
And even if you think you know
What really lies within
Another face laughs mockingly
In secret with a grin
Each one is different, yet the same
With layers stripped and worn
Who can tell what’s real from fake
With this ever changing form?
I realise now, they are not masks
Nor lies or false facades
Instead they are a spirit, whole
Made up of different parts

You came
Like a thrush;
Swiftly over the soft hills of powdered snow

And landed
On my shoulder
Perching on me as snowflakes dusted my hair

Then you left
In a single breath
Leaving me behind to face the avalanche, alone once more

Rest did not come find me last night
Instead I laid wide awake staring at the ceiling

Now exhaustion sits on my shoulder
Smirking and taunting me

So I pop a coffee sweet
Bitter alertness rolls over my tongue

But exhaustion returns, a sly fox
Dragging my eyelids down, stealing my strength

So I take another sweet
This one just as bitter as the last

The day crawls by and once again,
The wold is getting fuzzy…

Another one swallowed
And soon, I’ll need to buy a new supply

I fear not the freezing nights on my lonesome
Nor the sad return to an empty house
Nor the burn of the blazing sky
Nor the voices berating
(They don’t exist)
Nor the dark

Why?
For you are here
To save me from myself
And take me to another world
One where we can live in our memories
Memories we call safe, and safe is what you are

Stuck in a time loop
Of endless days with only false ends in sight
Filled with papers
That cut me up and down
Till I’m once again a coward
Wanting the easy escape
Just to break the cycle
Just to make the pain stop
Forever

The silence is my only friend
The one whom I yearn for to sit with me
In quiet nights alone in bed
And like hushed snow drifting down
Silence comes along, a ghost
Tucks in all my thoughts
To bed
Till they wake the next day

T h e   d a y s   s e e m   t o o   l o n g
A  n  d     t  h  e     y  e  a  r  s     e  v  e  n      l  o  n  g  e  r

Funny how quickly
A life can be-

I’m tired of feeling everything all at once
They fight, I take the wounds.
I smile
A mask to hide my tears
While my heart rots with the tortured corpses

They’ll never know I’m dying
Or understand
Or care
And yet I’m scared to close the doors
For what is one moment of respite if I lose the key again?

I sit
Behind a blank screen
Thoughts
S     c a   tt e    r  e       d
Like dandelion seeds in the wind
A swirling mess of fluffy white
I can’t help but think they look beautiful
What a gift it would be to share this beauty!
But I can’t catch them
They s
            l
             i
              p
Right through my fingers
Laughing and dancing around me
While the white screen
And the blinking text cursor mock me…
Angry bees buzz in my mind,
Itchy and hot
    um
  j        p,
I             and swipe
Trying to grab anything, ANYTHING!
But I fail to fly with them
Harsh hands only chasing away the seeds
Like parting water

I stop
Hope d r a i n i n g out of my body
I’ve broken and spring a leak
Condemned to the ground
I can’t do this anymore

The sun sets
And the dusts settles
I sit among among the dandelions drifting down
Wait, what?
Oh…
I can finally hold them

Always searching
For a reason

Always looking
For a sign

Always seeking
For an answer

Always hunting
All my life

But…

What If
I’m the one who’s lost?

What if
I need to be found?

What if
I’m the one who’s dying?

What if
I’m the one who’s drowned?

Nah… that’s impossible

If I speak my mind
Behind a blank mask,
I do not own the thought
I do not speak my mind

I sit at my chair
For hours on end
Staring at the blank paper

The story is at the tips of my fingers
The characters chatter in my mind, ready to take the stage
But to my horror

My words are gone and only the silence remains

As I grow older
There were more big problems
Overshadowing the small ones
And so I stopped tending to those small things

Like brushing teeth
Or going for walks
Or bathing
Or eating
Or sleeping

Huh… I think I might be dying

There once was a child
Young as buds not bloomed
With dreams of all that might be.
His spirit, wild
His hair, ungroomed
And hopes far beyond the sea.

His petals grew
Their untouched white
A canvas yet to flower,
But yet he knew
He’d have to fight
For he was not in power.

The glinting shears
And bloodied hands
The heads that often rolled,
He shed his tears
And fled the lands
For he knew those foretold

The taint of red
Forever stained
The cutting of his leaves
His blossoms shred
Forever pained
If the queen he did not please

Spooky little white lights
Dancing out at sea
Deep beneath the waves and
Underneath the breeze

Little lonely lovers
Sit under moonlight
Waters stretch between them
The other not in sight

Shattered little glass shards
Glinting on the beach
Sands of it has smoothed them
Safe enough to keep

Boats and ships a-rowing
Rocking to and fro
Lost to far horizons
Wherever they may go

From days of flight
To nights of tears
To hazy smoke all year round
The light I once was is now blurring

“Too bright!” They said
“Too much!” They cried
And so I faltered
Flickering
Dimming
Dying
Till the voices stopped

They pointed to my hair
My tongue
My legs
My heart
My hands
My soul
My eyes

Everything that didn’t belong
Everything they wanted gone

What was I to do?
And so I let them hold the knife
Against my chest
Sliding between my ribs
Hurting
Hurting
Hurting
As they cut away the best parts of me

My tongue is tied by invisible bonds
I cannot speak my mind
Instead, I layer my words with song
And hope they read between the lines

…

Can you hear me?

Getting to know you will forever be my favorite memory
Over the years we've certainly been through a lot
Of course there was the times we fought
Days of cold shoulders and simmering anger
But I'm glad I met you
You're the best thing that happened to me
Enjoy life to the fullest, friend.

War.
Such a small word for something so big
What does it mean?
Gunshots ringing through the air as his strong arms wrap around me, covering my ears
I can still hear the screams
Families are ripped apart
The ones that survive pick up the broken pieces, if there are any left
Most of them are broken too, shattered souls still bleeding
Many have no tears left to cry, hearts freezing over, sharp icicles drawing blood, both theirs and others
Everything is grey. Even his eyes look...dead
A few nights ago we were clinging to each other, was it for warmth or comfort? It didn't matter
Phantom feelings of a ruined past, like a ghostly touch, start to stir
A melody I can't quite grasp, sung by a memory, forever lost to the chaos
I can almost picture an angel-white dove taking flight
It keeps me going through the pain
But when I open my eyes, it's fallen, red staining its feathers
His calloused hands were cold and still, wrapped around me in a final embrace
His last promise to protect me
The gods came that day, too
They were too late
Now I think to myself, "Is it really over?"
And every time, my reflection whispers back, "No, it's not."

The first “hello,” a waving hand
We’re only seats apart
“How do you do? Wanna be friends?”
That’s how it used to start
Expired words, still on my tongue
The words I wish to hear
Now changed from days when I was young
To whispers in my ear,
“All this is fake, so shallow too.”
“You sure you’re really friends?”
“I bet they just put up with you,
Cause you help meet the ends.”
The questions dragged up from my mind
I’ll tell the moon at night
And search alone, hope I can find
The answers to my plight
Tomorrow when the dark retreats
I know I’ll call you friend
I hope you’ll do the same for me
Even if you just pretend

Danger!
Danger from above
We scatter like mice
Running for the shadows
Lest your paws come down on us from above
And imprison us
We hide our faces and our claws,
Crossing our fingers over our lives,
Waiting till you finally rest
So we can breathe

Aren’t you glad frozen smiling faces
Are beaming up at you?
Offering rotting daisies with trembling hands
Noses twitching with fear

Lost and lonely I drift

Wandering through hazy days

Looking for the chubby little fingers

That used to tug me around with laughter