Suicide,
Last in life,
Cannot find,
My own meaning.

Wish I knew,
What to do,
Cos I'm drowning.

I call her up,
Won't give up,
I know she's listening.

I left her a message,
On her machine.
I said I miss you,
Please save me.

I have these *awful thoughts,
In my head.
I'm the monster under my bed.

My own head is a trap,
And I know,
*She'd kick my *** if I thought about that.

Monsters all,
Are we not?
Some of which have lost the plot.

Confine them all,
Bolt and lock.
And pray that they will be forgot.

Corner them,
Bring in the S.W.A.T.
Hush the rest; disperse the shock.

Poke around,
Electroshock.
And hope that they will join the flock.

Social chains,
Block out a lot.
Our moral boats have been rocked.

He said she was special...
He told her she was pretty too.
He wants to let go,
Of history and start anew.

But she can't see,
Through his screen,
Into his life,
And his thoughts unseen.

She was naive,
Young, and stupid,
Didn't understand,
The concept of grooming.

Now she has no trust,
In others or herself,
Because of that one man,
**Feeding off her health.

Close your eyes,
What do you see?
Nothing, blackness,
The dark inside me.

The pitch black hole,
Inside of your soul,
Is filled with prescriptions,
They say will make you whole.

You stop eating,
You stop feeling,
You stop sleeping,
You start drinking.

All to make the pain fade,
To feel alive for another day,
Tell yourself you'll survive,
Nothing heals wounds like time.

But it's all a lie,
No matter how hard you try,
You can't live when you want to die,
Without wings you'll never fly.

You stare at the ceiling endlessly,
Try to dream,
But all you get is an ode to sleep.

I can't sleep,
But you sure can,
Already told me that:
It helps to know I'm breaking.

Feel so right,
But you know I'm wrong.
Each day reminding me,
I was unwanted all along.

Calm demeanour,
Boiling underneath.
Holding back my emotions,
Through my clenched teeth.

You want to know me?
You want feelings?
You want to be let in?
How about you hear my screaming!?

You want honesty?
You're dreaming.
You know the real me.
*And he's not worth believing.

How can I call this my home,
When all I feel here is alone.
I am the maid, the cleaner,
Your vacuum, your partner?
How can I say I am content,
When 24/7 my effort is spent.
I can't, I am drowning,
Water of life is surrounding,
And down I am heading,
Into darkness unwedding.
God forbid they find out,
Silent screams and shouts,
As I slowly fall into my own web of doubts.
How can I fly,
Reach my dreams, and the sky,
When this land isn't dry.
Much like my eyes.
I fall, I descend,
Shadows my only friend.
And nobody knows,
Outside does it show?
That inside,
I'm on the bottom of the ocean...
*Of my own mind.

Doing what I do best, while I ball my eyes out.
I'm seeing blurred lines for real this time.
And as I grabbed a blade, I just couldn't cut.
So I balled a fist, and just couldn't hit.
I found a rope, tied it up like girl scouts,
And you know what they say:
IF THE NOOSE ******* FITS.

A million times I've wondered,
What writing a suicide note feels like.
And maybe this is it,
Because as I scrawl these words,
I feel my still beating heart
DYING IN MY CHEST.

Imagine your greatest love,
Now stand it on a stool,
Give it a piece of paper, a pen, and a piece of rope.
Now tell it you love it, so much it ******* HURTS,
And then watch it write it loves you too,
And jump off the stool FEET FIRST.

But the rope breaks,
Now you're crying, screaming at the sky,
YOU SAID I HAD A PURPOSE,
WAS IT ALL A ******* LIE?!

Is this what you wanted for your grand ******* PLAN?
Now I'm a crazy *******, talkin' to the man upstairs.
While he sits and he watched me crumble inside-out,
If you wanted me broken then you've done it,
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

No.
I'm not done, I lean right back into it, because while you may be happy,
I'M IN ******* RUINS.

I can't settle for no, it isn't my vocabulary, and so I write:
Dear Dear Diary,
I've been beaten and bruised,
Choked and abused,
But what is this sickening, tightening feeling...

I'll take a slit throat over slit dreams anyway,
A stab in the brain before a stab in the heart,
So go ahead, punch me, hurt me, cut me, **** me.
But don't take away what keeps me **BREATHING

I love you when you don't let me get my way.
I love you when you let me feel the pain.
I love you when you let me open my veins.

I love you for letting me walk off the edge.
I love you for every message left unread.
I love you for every word you never said.

I love you for every time you gave up on me.
I love you for when you come crying to me.
I love you for the look you get when you lie to me.

I love you for when you constantly complain.
I love you for playing mind games.
*I love you for driving me insane.

"Are you Okay?"
I'm not even sad.
"So what are you?"
God, I make myself mad.

Yeah, that's what I am,
I'm angry, *"At what?"
Shut up! If I knew…
"Lots would change. Not."

Maybe that's what I need.
"A change, that'll work."
Exactly, and if I'm lucky,
It'll wipe off your smirk.

"I'm not laughing."
Not at me, with me, correct?
"Well not exactly."
You understand that you're in my head?

That's it. It's all in my head.
"Except the scars on each inch of your skin."
That's different, I had to feel…
"Feel what? To what end?"

Feel SOMETHING! Anything…
"Anything at all?"
Yes. "And what if you don't?"
Upon the floor I will crawl.

Crawl into a hole.
"A hole in the ground?"
And have it filled up with dirt,
Never to be found.

"You're giving up."
I'm living all wrong.
"You're pathetic."
**So they've been right all along.

Do you ever feel like you're crumbling down the middle?
The cracks don't show,
But with insects you're riddled.
Tiny little bed bugs eating your insides, Perhaps they too are done with all your lies.
And now they've come back, to eat you *alive.

The sky was weeping,
Her face stained  black,
His fingers receding,
Down her back.

She pushes the grams,
To forget the time,
When Instragram,
Was not online.

He thinks back,
To the days of old,
Where they couldn't keep track,
Of one's household.

What an age,
Since the revolution,
Setting the stage,
For mass consumption.

Data snorted,
She fades away.
Stored and sorted,
*For another day.

Lust, Sin, Pride, Greed,
I'm just your average human disease.
I didn't plan on being what you need.
But now I am, and it ******* scares me.

I'll be a disappointment.
I'll leave you washed up, and spent.
I know I'll disappoint you.
Why won't you quit while you're ahead?

I'm sorry I wasn't it.
Not even close to being a Prince.
I'm sorry I can't be it.
*It hurts less if you just forget.

Once upon a time,
Where I knew that you were mine,
I felt like I could fly,
That our love would never die.

I was so naive,
Thought that you were with me,
But maybe, just maybe,
Your new found love is in your screen.

I felt I had to hide,
Had to run away for the night,
Had to fight or flight,
You made me feel alright.

Nowadays you push me away,
How can you say,
That you want me to stay,
When you make me feel decayed.

I'm tired of staring at my ceiling,
For hours on end just wondering,
Where I went wrong, did I hurt your feelings?
*Maybe I'm doing harm by existing.

She's irritating,
A noise making machine,
She never shuts up,
I see her in my dreams.

I can't fight it,
But when she's gone,
I have a feeling,
It won't be long.

Before I tear her hair out,
I scream and shout,
I let my emotion run free,
I can't help the way I feel baby.

I was cold and alone,
No one to hold,
And she was absent from my head.

I felt the world's weight,
No laughs to share,
My reality came crumbling,
Into Nightmare.

I found her sitting,
Upon the shore,
Of that firery brimstone,
Lair.

Thank imaginary beings,
Thank the stars and the earth,
I had finally found her,
Beneath the hurt.

I can't explain it,
But I hate her so much,
However, without her,
I wouldn't exist.

Have you ever had a love so wrong that its not?
What about a friend, so ugly that they're hot?
I won't deny it,
I don't feel this way a lot.
Maybe I'll make an exception...

I hate you're far away, but I don't wish you were here.
I want to hear your voice, but don't whisper in my ear.
I swore I wouldn't drink, but god I need a beer.
I think I'll make an exception...

Wish I was on your mind, but please don't think of me.
Want you around all the time, but please just leave me be.
My heart's been welded shut, but girl you have the key.
You might be my exception...

Humanity was not created to save the earth,
It was not created to see it's ending,
We were not sent here to carry out a purpose.
None of us possess the understanding...

We are but children in an adult world,
We stumble and fall without reason.
All of us little boys and girls,
Against the creator - committing high treason.

Our leaders are warned,
And we are discouraged,
We can't be saved from the scorn,
Of Terra Firma's Mother.

The *end is near, *we will all see,
Pointing our guilty fingers.
And while we didn't mean to be,
*We will be its Harbingers.

I feel like I'm five years old again.
Trusting the world like everyone's a ******* saint.
But I can't help it,
If I shut it all out, I would push them away again.
I am no romantic, but they have my heartstrings,
And they're playing them like we've never seen better days.

I wish I knew what to say.
My life's out of control,
I'm a heartfelt mess.
All this gushy *******'s gone to my head.

But I don't see a way out ,
My eyes are closed
I want to be left in the dark,
With only you to hold.

Even as I scrawl this ****,
I don't know what I'm saying.
All I know is that you're to blame,
But it's no one's fault,
This isn't a problem.

I haven't felt this way since the beginning of time,
And I'm finding that I finally give two ***** about life.

I won't give up,
Not on you,
Not on me.
Not on these crazy ******* feelings that I can't believe.

Because I want to feel this,
It feels like hope,
And maybe, JUST maybe,
*My life isn't a joke.

He stays the night,
Forgets to go home.
His parents are worried sick,
But at least they're alone.

He kisses her forehead,
He kisses her cheek.
She smiles, she's nervous,
Her legs are all weak.

He touches her face,
It feels like her soul.
And she knows that;
**Without him, she'll never be whole.

Have you ever had a dream that was so good, you never wanted to wake from it? A moment in time that was so close to perfection that you never wanted it to end? How about a love that seemed so true that you thought you could never be so lucky?

That, is my life with you.

The minutes turn into hours, which turn into days of a wonderous confusion that sweeps me off my feet and takes my breath away.

Like the air itself gets thinner when you're by my side, I can barely inhale without feeling dizzy. A lovestruck fool, cursed by the blindness from your scintillating light.

The ground gives way beneath me and I am taken by the oceans of hot magma beneath its crust. Washed away into a dreamland of an unfamiliar feeling.

Is this what they call true love? Perhaps it is the sharp tongue of Cupid's arrow that has pierced my chest, or perhaps it is yours. For to give anyone else the gratification of stealing my heart, would be scandalous.

The deed is yours, and yours alone.

I willingly tear open my soul and bare all to you; the good, the bad, the ugly. My flaws are thick and deep, my depression viscous like a demented fluid in my veins. But my heart is pure and my mind is calm with thoughts of you.

If you accept me, as I am, I am yours.

Forever more.

How do I go on?
When you've left me here.
Which way is back to normality?

Tell me now,
How do I go on?
When you've closed your ears,
And shut me out.

I find myself falling,
Through the cracks in my skin.
I fumble forwards,
And fall back on nothing.

Which way do I go?
Swing me to and fro,
Between life and death,

Show me the signs,
Show me the paths,
I have run from God's plans.

And so I fall into the earth,
I walk blindly through the hurt,
And I drown in myself.

I see you standing,
You hopeless soul.
I draw connections,
And I myself are drawn.

And so I fall, fall to my knees,
Just like a dog,
I only wish that I could please.

With your ways,
You baffle me.
If only you could see what I see.

You pull the blade across your skin,
I cry myself to sleep.
Will I ever see you again?
I wish you knew you were my **ever-y-thing.

The barricade surrounding my core is cracking, my thoughts swim circles around the whirlpool of emotions that cascade down from my heart. The ever-changing waterfall of colour and darkness flows from the between the cracks.

The flickering ember that painfully fuels me, sparks a light as I smile at my screen again.

My porcelain mask tears and opens a minuscule door that you’ve put your foot right through. The screams of a thousand dying suns are made quiet by your presence, even for a short time. The relief from the agonising cacophony is frightening and sudden, but welcomed.

The empty, forgotten halls of my heart feel full of peace instead of abandonment. Their lonely corridors instead feel humbled and content in their fate.

Such feelings get thrown in with the gratuitous violence of the maelstrom that thrashes inside these walls.

Amidst the solitude and the painful sobriety to the outcome of this existence, there is hope. Like a glittering jewel at the bottom of a merciless ocean, you shine. Bright and proud, tempting me to take a leap of faith through the teary waters I’ve endlessly cried.

The doubt infects me like a virus and the selfishness lurks behind me like a menacing shadow, but I’m blinded by the shimmering gem of light you entrance me with. Mesmerised, I dive headfirst into the depths, praying it isn’t merely an oasis of the mind.

My shining star, my hopeful dream, my new day.