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empty seas Aug 2018
how do you do something
that half of your body protests?

how do you leave behind
something that has made you so happy?

how to do you accept
that this will be for the greater good?

i have no answers to these questions
only silence
and decisions to be made
this applys to more than one thing in my life
empty seas Nov 2018
i’m trying hard
to keep it together
desperation is my middle name
restless nights
and hopeless days
i can’t do enough
can’t be enough
to keep up this juggling act
everything is falling apart so spectacularly
a fire of blues and reds and purples
one that only i can see

so i play a little game with myself
let’s see how well i can pretend everything is okay
i’ve gotten good at it recently
as my plans for my future start to crumble in my palms
i can still feign interest over a friend’s passing fling
i’ve even been able to pretend
my self esteem is going up
accepting compliments
even convincing myself i’m not a failure
it’s laughable, really
a ******* like me,
who can’t even keep
her life from falling apart,
finally loving herself?
not gonna happen

so i laugh
and sit
and watch
as everything falls apart
Wowee everything has not been good recently, and someone has made it worse, but I cant let it show bc I’m basically the therapist of the group
I’m supposed to be the emotionally stable one, the one you can always ask for advice or help in school work and I don’t know how long I can keep up this facade of being okay
empty seas Mar 2018
I would destroy myself
to save someone that I love
Yes, death scares me
but the alternative sounds even worse,
so in this case, I might be scared of death
but I’m not completely against it
I keep thinking of what i would do during a school shooting, or something similar. Almost all of them end with me dying protecting my friends and brother.
empty seas Apr 2018
my skin is peeled off
muscles dragging on the floor
my organs are exposed
my nerves cut and burned
my broken ribs
scattered on the floor

i've been dissected
eyeball lenses popped out
and my beating heart
is right out
in the open
sometimes anxiety makes me feel so exposed
empty seas May 2019
somedays i think
if i looked inside your heart
he would be there
instead of me

empty seas Dec 2018
everything is heavy
it hurts to move
it hurts to breathe
i just want this
pain to end
this drama
i’m sick of worrying
whether or not people
think i’m a monster
i just want to be left alone
god, please
just leave me alone
once i leave,
i don’t want to come back
empty seas Apr 2018
i said i would never do it again
i’m a *****, rotten liar
but drastic times
call for drastic measures
and i refuse to let my pain
be more then the person
that should really be hurting
and although i think i’m justified
the red rash covering my upper arms
says that i’m just a liar
that loves to feel pain

good thing I have a jacket
empty seas Jun 2018
the water in my body
has seeped into my lungs
each breath is harder than the last

i wonder
when i will drown

anxiety asthma - when my anxiety makes my (usually dormant) asthma worse
empty seas Feb 2018
sometimes all i want
is an ending

for everything

to

just


                                    s  t  o  p.

and never start again
empty seas Dec 2017
Oh
            how we try                          
                                  with feeble hands      
        to keep everything
                                       our broken minds                    
     from falling apart
Sometimes I feel like everything is futile
empty seas Apr 2018
I have a dark, slithering thing
it lives in me
curled up in the cavity
just above my stomach
it only awakes
to eat and destroy
feasting on my emotions
and destroying my self-confidence
as my other emotions are slowly dying
to where I cannot feel them anymore
the dark, slithering beast
gives me one emotion
it is the only emotion
envy
I turn jealous and hateful
unable to smile with the beast showing me
how everyone is so much better
it hisses to me:
your best friend is funnier and nicer
your girlfriend more talented and pretty
they will turn away eventually
for you have no good qualities

I can’t bear to hurt anyone
so I turn to isolation
the great, slithering beast turns on me
and from the inside out
tears me to shreds
Everyone I love is so much better than me, and I dread the day they realize I’m nothing compared to them, and finally leave me
empty seas Jan 2018
Late night fairy lights
Stretching over my bed like
Stars guiding the way
the lights above my bed are so calming
empty seas Mar 2018
You sl i  p  p   e    d  away
and I didn’t see it
didn’t see you fall
I was trapped by my own presumptions
that everything would be okay
that you were okay
until I heard you
crying out
and
I couldn’t help

I was too late
Don’t worry, this is about my friend falling down my staircase.
fat
empty seas May 2018
fat
i despise
what I’ve done with
this meat prison i’m trapped in
fat collected everywhere
sides, arms, and legs
like pools of self-hatred
i want to tear and rend
cut the fat off this body
until i don’t look horrible
but i’m too cowardly
to feel real pain
i have tried
to throw the food out
after it was already consumed
but that never worked
i’m even a failure
at destroying my body

i am not soft
i am not cute
i am horrific
body so fat
and so ugly
i hate my body
empty seas Jan 2018
"Hey, are you okay?"
Wiping red eyes, tear-stained cheeks
A cracked smile "I'm fine"
I think I'm going to start a haiku series because I like haikus.
empty seas Jan 2018
i’m a fish out of water
drowning in the air
throw me back overboard
i’ll be fine, i swear
even if i sink to the bottom
it’ll probably be for the best
i’ve heard that death by drowning
is a good way to get rid of a pest
i just feel like a burden. it makes me want to sink into a deep sleep.
empty seas Jun 2018
i feel called
to go

the wind whispers
fantastical tales
about a life
with no attachments
just going


i want to run out in the streets
and call
into the void

take me away

oh, how nice that would be
to be free

so when i say
i have to leave
i mean
the wind will tear me to pieces
if i don't let it sweep me away
empty seas Jan 2018
I hope when
you see the color across your wrist
or brush against the threads on your ankle
you'll see me
fingers weaving with a gentle rhythm
and remember
I love you
I really like making friendship bracelets for my friends.
empty seas Mar 2018
A hurting generation
of broken children
we are the end of this
alphabet of problems
our future is hopeless
full of student loans
and a job crisis
the millennials have
warned us so

So we dull our pain
with jokes and memes
ridiculed by older people
but we know that
our future is dull and
filled with hardship
so let’s make our now
bright and fun
and most of all
a good memory
for when things get hard
All the gen z kids I know are scared of the future, we’ve grown up hearing of how bad the millennials had it, and it’s our turn to be let out into the working world.
empty seas Mar 2019
a ghost on the water
can you see her?
the pasts of people thrown overboard
cast aside
she is waste
second place
proxy for someone better

and she knows
there’s always someone other
than her

i’ve always tried so hard but i’ll always be a replacement or a rebound
i know in some cases that’s not true but i can’t convince myself otherwise
i don’t even know why i try with my friendships when it’s so obvious i’m annoying
i just wanna cry and give up
empty seas Feb 2018
“Goodnight”
she called out into the void
and
the void responded
goodnight
it took her by the hand
leading her into a
gentle
sleep
empty seas Mar 2018
Happy birthday to you
my friend I haven’t seen in years
I wish I was there to hug you
and make fun of how short you are
smart, funny, and talented
are words that wouldn’t begin to describe
how wonderful you are
but are the only ones that my small mind
can think of right now.

Happy birthday to you
strong Texan, one of my best friends
working through a hurricane
and still dealing with my complaining
you’re assisting in a hospital now
I’d trust you with my care

Happy birthday dear Julia
one of the smartest people I know
multilingual, a great violinist
top of your class, rightfully so
I know you’ll go far
and I hope I’m there to see it

Happy birthday to you
wow you're old now
empty seas May 2018
Hello, Poetry?
have you come to save me?
take me in your sweet, painful grasp
rip open my heart and soul
and let them drip on the dim screen
of my phone at 1 a.m.

thank you for the sweet release
of emotions that gathered
like flocks of birds
inside my head

my anxiety haunts
the 100+ poems i’ve made
but that’s better
than my head instead

i’ve fallen in love
with spilling words
even though sometimes
it hurts
so thank you
Hello, Poetry
This has been such a help to my health
empty seas Sep 2018
Yeah you
I know you’ll read this soon

I miss you, too
and I know it was my fault
things happened that I regret
(like not taking your advice)
but I hope we can put that behind us
I don’t know what our friendship is
right now
but I’d like to build it back up again
if you want too
so uh
yeah
we should talk again
A response
empty seas Jan 2019
i am buried
in the mountains of things you said to me
words upon words
stories upon stories
how much
was true?

i don't think i'll ever know
your truths and lies are both a mystery to me
so i
di s t a  n    c      e
myself from the words
but i will always be wrapped up in it no matter how much
i want to be free
i'm part of those words now

when words tip out of your mouth my name will be there
good memories tainted with disgust
i went from a nice person who did a few rude things
to an *******
to a monster
what point did it start becoming a lie?
at what point did the person you view in your mind stop becoming me
or it is possible that your words are so influential that i have now become what you said
or has it always been that way

i don't know


it feels wrong to be scared
god, it's been months, but i've always been so affected by people's words about me, so being called a monster and having that behavior justified by one of my closest friends has been a wild ride. i can't help feeling so alone and awful when i think about it. i really am starting to feel like i've always been a bad person and i've worked so hard to like myself again that this just feels like i've been pushed back down the stairs of progress. i just want to be told i'm a good person and believe it.
empty seas Mar 2018
feel your body sink down
your hands and feet are numb
half awake, half asleep
melting into the blanket underneath you
all there is
is your breath
in
and
out

and the kindest voice
explaining and guiding
you
d
     o
           w
                n
  
                                                                ­    to even deeper relaxation
hypnosis felt so nice, like a better version of sleep
empty seas Dec 2018
no one has made a hole in my heart
that i couldn’t fix
in the end, i don’t need anyone
empty seas Nov 2018
the anxiety was like hooks in my body
digging into the edges of my organs
cramming everything to the sides
and leaving a gaping emptiness behind
it was all day, consuming me

i feel like that again, sometimes
my organs shift inside my body
my bones begin to ache
and the only solution seems to be
to open my skin and set everything right
to hurt

but i stop myself
i stop myself
and again, i realize
i can handle my own pain
i can handle my own anxiety

i've finally started taking care of myself
i've finally gotten rid of the toxicity in my life
and sometimes my lungs still feel like ten-pound weights
and sometimes it still seems almost easier to tear into my skin
but i don't
i fight through it
and although somedays feel impossible
i fight for my future
i fight against my own anxiety and fears
i fight against what other people have told me
i fight for myself
because i deserve to be happy and loved
and that's a long battle, indeed
and to make this happen

i will never ******* give up
empty seas Nov 2018
i’m beginning to hate myself again
all my work has been for naught
i still feel the same nausea when i look in the mirror
i still feel the same disgust when i eat
i still feel the urge to rip my skin off
has anything changed?
i remember what it feels like to be happy
but i was filled with anxiety for so long
i think it’s become my natural state

i don’t want to give up
but it’s so hard...
my skin is burning and
every step is like walking through fire
but i promised myself i wouldn’t give up
i won’t give in
i left the part of me that gives up behind
so
even as i crack
even as i burn
even as i hurt
i do not stop
i do not give up
sorry if the not giving up theme is a little redundant but it’s important to me
empty seas Jan 2019
i just
have to
breathe
in
and
out
and tell myself
it’s okay
to not want something
it’s okay
to not please everyone
it’s okay
to feel emotions

i don’t have
to sacrifice
comfort
to make someone else
happy

one of my not-very-close friends is here in my house spending the night and I really really don’t want him to be here because they can be super clingy and I really don’t like it but I don’t know what to do so I’m just hiding in my room
empty seas Nov 2018
i failed again
i couldn’t make myself work
i’m supposed to be good at things
i’m too lazy for anything, though
i am a failure
everything i touch crumbles
everyone i love leaves
i can’t even muster enough motivation
to practice for the upcoming competition
or work on securing my future
i’m awful
why can’t i ******* do things
god im a failure at everything I’m so ******* lazy
empty seas Dec 2018
i don’t think anyone loves me anymore
everything i say and do
feels muted
like if no one notices it
it starts to not exist at all

i have so many things
i want to talk about
its been so long
since i’ve been someone’s best friend
i don’t remember the last time
someone invited me to hang out
without me asking

i miss the days
when my best friends and i
would curl up on a couch or bed
and watch Netflix
that hasn’t happened in a long time

i just feel so lonely
i’m wrapped up in my own head
and everyday i want to leave more
this town has shown me the depths
of loneliness
and i want to abandon it
just run
and not come back
i have so many secrets to share
but no one wants to listen
empty seas Mar 2019
my eyes are burning
they were open much too long
so let me close them
and kiss the tears that slip through the cracks
wrap your warm arms around me
and hold me
until the sun rises
i like you, and i want to trust you
but for now, i just dream
empty seas May 2018
swimming has always felt
like a sweet escape from my thoughts
focusing on the rhythm
of my arms and legs and lungs
working in sync
and all i can hear
is the splashing water

however
sometimes my anxiety learns how to swim
and i hear the voice in my head
you have things to do
this isn't productive
you piece of garba-
but
they're swept away by the current
until i have to dry off
but for the time
i have peace
style? consistency? editing? no, no, and nope
empty seas Feb 2019
i stare
and i stare
my eyes are burning
but i can’t look away
from my safety
i can’t live in the moment
i’m so scared
i won’t admit it to anyone’s face but
i’m drowning in fear and loneliness
i have no good friends
people look at me as a conversation topic, not as a person
it might always be this way
and that’s what scares me the most
empty seas Feb 2018
scrub scrub
brush brush
you’ll never be perfect
you’re not good enough
no use in wearing makeup
it can’t work miracles
besides
you can barely get out of bed anyway

slip on that sweatshirt
baggy to cover your fat
look at those fat thighs
the flab on those arms
no wonder everyone who loved you has left

fat
ugly
cover yourself up
shorts are a battle
bikinis an impossibility
might as well just give up

body positivity only works for pretty girls
and trust me
you’re not one of them
I don’t like my body
empty seas Nov 2018
it’s comforting to know
the anxiety and pain i feel
is the tide
of the chemicals in my brain

i try to control the ebb and flow
with medicine
and it works, for the most part
i no longer feel like i’m always drowning
but solutions are never that simple
and when the tide rolls in
and i sink under the waves
i remind myself
that i will be okay

when the tide rolls in
it has to roll back out again

empty seas Dec 2018
my body was cold and hot
my hands shook
and as tears began to well up in my eyes
i could only think
why did this take so long
but in the end
only a few tears fell
and i was left
the same
empty seas Sep 2018
i want to look out at the beauty of the world
and be so filled with joy
that i can't hold it in
so i cry

or even
i want to cry
about the bad things
i want to cry about the love i lost
or even about the things you said to me

but i can't those things
i can't feel anything anymore
only a few things make me feel alive
but nothing brings me the satisfaction of tears
i just want to cry, is that too much to ask?
empty seas Nov 2018
the ocean
it calls
reaching out with invisible fingers
beckoning me
saying
come, child of mine
to the place you were meant to be
the place you've always yearned for
the only place you'll ever feel at peace

i am its long lost child
briefly returned but never for long enough
and it calls for me to return forever

my child, it says
you have only glimpsed your future
place your life in my hands
i will guide you
you will be okay


i comply
i will be okay
the wanting gets worse somedays, like the feeling is consuming me, and all i want to do is sit and let the waves crash over me
empty seas Jul 2018
ive been feeling weird recently
i have these Moments
where i just want to
curl up in a ball
and cry
empty seas Jun 2018
my legs are crumbling underneath me
but I’m still walking
my hands are shaking
but I‘m still typing
my lung are collapsing
but I’m still breathing

my anxiety might be able to hurt me
but it will not **** me
When I feel hurt, anxious, and like I’m worthless, I have to make myself do things, especially when the cause of my anxiety has to do with another person.
empty seas Dec 2017
The best kind of relief
comes from the friends
who take the pain
without question
without doubt
My friends never question my pain, and it’s wonderful
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