I’ve always had a hard time letting go
I grab and grasp
shoving things into my oversized heart
Stuffed animals and old friends
Children’s books and unrequited crushes
Dead dogs and old drawings
Ignoring the pain I know this attachment will bring
Some part of me knows:
I’ll never see my camp friends again
I’ll never date the person I like
I’ll never love these books as much as I did
I’ll never get my dogs back by holding on
But the rest of me, desperately
grasps and holds, crying out that
“If you hold on, they can’t leave!
It will be normal again.”
but that’s wrong
as my best friend pointed out last night
(even though she just meant it for one thing, she was still right)
nothing can be normal again,
after decisions I’ve made,
things that have happened
even if I try
So instead, I’ll try to take her advice
I’ll let go
It’s hard to abandon the people and things
you once loved so dearly
but holding on this long has only brought pain
so, finally
I’m letting go

While walking my dog
I passed by a dead frog
s q u i s h e d  f l a t
like the world had finally
fallen on it
I almost mistook it for a leaf
and jumped away at the last second
to not step on its disfigured body
more concerned about my shoes
and whether my dog wanted to eat it
then the frog's death
so I left it
on the road
not even bothering to bury it
or push it into the ditch
I didn't want to get my shoes *****
I would go back
but it's probably decayed by now
so I just sit in my regret
and how easily we dismiss
the little tragedies all around us

The morning spring sun
shines through the wide school windows
hitting pale walls and shining desks
discolored red
red that was exploded free
along with bullets and hate
and now
the excitement for the waiting summer
has turned to waiting fear
waiting
to be known
as the dead

i’m trying to be better
a better leader
a better friend
a better student
a better person
and it’s hard
every step feels like dragging my feet through syrup
but i can feel improvement

i am starting to love myself
to love the way my mind
finds comfort in learning
to love the way
i’m good at things

i feel more free now
no longer someone’s crutch
but now i feel a solid future under my feet
instead of constantly being pushed down

i’m not quite happy yet
not as happy as i was
ignorant happiness is hard to beat
some days i crave intimacy
but i am not a dependent person
and i will wait until i’m better before pursuing someone else
it’s the right choice

pieces of me
stick to past pains
like they're a part of me

but no

i must let go
move on
a million other words
that will do me
only good

i can't keep dwelling
on things
that bring up
anxiety and fear

so i fight
myself
to finally become
okay

i feel so alone
unsatisfied
without the waves
of the ocean
crashing over me

i can't be satiated
i just want to smell the
salt in the air
feel the foam on my skin

i want to see the beauty
the ocean can give me

things are piling
on my aching body
forms to fill out
deadlines upon deadlines
making sure I can do what makes me happy
thinking about the future
makes me want to cry
and a birthday party
sounds out of the question right now
it's not like anyone would want to come anyway
I want to scream at myself
for waiting too long
to do anything
I'm so stupid

Stand up! Get ready!
My partner in crime
for we have been called to trial
by two giants who own our lives
and can cut us off from the world
They have created a comfortable setting
to get our guards down
with steaming piles of takeout

The crimes have committed?
None at all, I say
only doing what we feel is right
and sneaking through unfair rules
to do what needs to be done

So take my hand, fair brother
let us heal all our previous fights
we must unite
for tonight
is family dinner time

i used to have an easy time
enjoying myself
laughs came easy
smiles even easier
even being around these people made me happy

but something has changed
my heart has moved places
and my stomach refuses to consider the possibility that I’m safe
every word, every breath feels forced
out of an unchanging smile

i guess im just waiting
but i don’t know what for
for when ill finally have a day in which the possiblity of sleeping forever doesn’t feel appealing?
for when ill finally love myself?
maybe im just waiting for the sun to set
so we can finally start the bonfire
and the burning of my skin
will make me feel something

i say i strive to do my best
but that is not true
i strive for perfection
because my best isn’t good enough
anymore

if i’m in the 99th percentile
there’s still 1% who beat me
i must be better

A’s are not sufficient anymore
i have to have 100s in my classes
i must be better

i am a hideous Medusa of a monster
i must dress better, cover my face
i must be better

if i am not perfect, i am worthless
if i am not perfect, i am worthless
if i am not perfect, i am worthless
if i am not perfect, i am worthless
i am worthless
i am worthless

whispers
behind my back
isn’t she so annoying?
my naive self
just eager to love
to have good friends
was i just
a pity friend?
someone you felt bad for?
this is what it has always been
no matter who decides
to take me in
i’m always just
a pity friend

isn’t regret
such a funny thing?
the intense desire
to change what you’ve done
that turns into
self-hate

I am sorry, but we are unable...
Hey, can we talk?...
Crushing rejection
pain unknowable and unavoidable
no matter how long
you dwell on the possibility
that the worst might come to happen
hope prevails
and pain comes
when it fails

Sometimes I get so worried about
the future
Because what college is going to want
a stupid kid
from an education system
that failed her?
I’ll never know as much as those other, richer kids
The kids in better states
with better teachers
better classes
better school
and while I know I need to do something
take action on my own
I still can’t find the strength
to get out of bed
So I wait, anxious, depressed, and with enough self-hate to fill an ocean
for the day I get rejected and see
my future
crumple before my eyes
And regret everything