I Need
I Pine for passion
I want to smell the scent of you
The decent of you
enveloping me
developing me
to accept my
Desires
Fill me
Feel you
til my body tires
Mind left alight
I want to fight you
Struggle
Tight
Taking and Taken in return
Yearn for me
Ache for me
Shake for me with
your need to
bleed lust

Well, I think you get the general ******…

;)

On the lips of my heat
Make all
else
Obsolete

******

Looking down on me
Pitying me
You snob

If It really were an "eye for an eye"
Then I would rob your tongue
For all the wrong it's done

Yes I know you've 'won' at
Perfect Human
But I'd rather be a moomin
then be so *mean

Rests on the skin coloured hills
of my waist
As I waste my mind on ethanol
and seek a hand to fill
the heat that was lost to the ghost

Even if new warmth is a dangerous roast
At least my atoms can be fooled into
not freezing
At least my mind might
stop teasing
with the looped up memories of
denial

*cease

First comes the flush
Then the rush of horniness
loneliness
A splash of pain
Droplets of scarlet rain
and the ****** of lingerie
Sobbing at roses
Yelling at trays
You're spotty
and bloated
and splayed on the bed like Cleopatra
drugged up on
painkillers

And the cocktail that humanity spiked with hormones

Fun.

About little tiny things
Flutter round faces
Like tiny beautiful rings
A household in harmony
A past left to sob alone
A kitchen filled with place settings
A world without the word alone
dishcloths on the counter
shoes placed on the stairs
a partner sleeping peacefully
A cat and dog unaware of
grief
A world in which breathing relief
is a staple
Like the dancing pole in the basement
the books on every shelf
and the window in my study,
filled with photos,
paint,
and healthy stress
Nothing more
needed
Nothing Less
again

Because when I look out that window
I'll know that at least
my home
can now be stable

**at last

Like freshly shorn hair
Swathes tumbling freely
Empty despair
and shock at silent grieving

Old self leaving
Cleaving of new

Empty and Ready
Filled with true
*Expectancy

Your laugh was a cloud
Loud
Enveloping
Mist which covered me without the
slightest resistance
insistence
I needed assistance to breathe

Your laugh shows I'm useful
shows there's a need
For us
as I feed on the delicious awkwardness we
shared
Caught unawares by being liked

It's a shame your laugh
was the cloud which hid
a trucks headlights

crash
shared
spent

Your laugh a narcotic cloud I refuse to repent

Fragments and splatters of sentences
are swirled around every piece of paper and pad
and screen and
wall and
notebook and
EVERYWHERE
Ranging from one word
one captured moment
to a veritable spew of
stream of consciousness

my organisation leaves more than a
little room for improvement

*deep breath

His heat spent on books
He lies beside, forsaken of need,
a greed for knowledge
Has robbed of his want
His body, a shell,
His mind, a stone which refuses to shed
against intuition.
No Fruition
No Justice
No Peace

Just a piece of his mind roving
No Release left to give

The ***** is
Placed
Watchful
just in case
Her mind a jewel
Her body a vessel
Her purpose Calm and
Clear

Yet one is seemed sinner and
the other has 'wisdom'

Odd

I got shampoo in my eye
I'm a liar
but it's better than telling them
that every time I close
my eyes, all
I can imagine
Is what would happen if you
die.
How your golden hair would
mould, thick with blood
How your thin bones would hit
the tiles with a thud and
Mud would fill my mind
How I'd recall every time I was slightly unkind
and blame myself
For leading you to this

I'd remember every kiss
and all the one's I'd missed because
I'd chosen my life
I'd taken the risk
and lost

I'm imagining the frost of your
skin
I'm imagining begging a God to be real
Just so he could take away your sins
Just so you could smile again
Heal
Somehow

I tried so hard to help
Help
Help
Please, stop looking at me like your last
latch on life
Put down the knife
and start to help yourself as well

Because I can't tell what else I can do
I'm losing here
I need you to help too

and apply Ed Sheeran to the open wound
Then drink peppermint tea
Allowing yourself a chance to
Soothe
The wave of a nightmare turned
**real

Sleep paralysis, like your body
is wearing a ice-en straight jacket
and your mouth is laced up with skin.
I could see the blanket, the pillow, I could feel
myself trapped within layers of
suffocating covers, every neurone struggling to
free my trapped limbs
sapped of strength
As though my spine had snapped, and the
length of Central Nervous System had
strapped itself to the base of my bones
I tried to yell, to scream to moan
MOVE
WAKE UP
at my body
couldn't sob
robbed of movement

I sank into the silence of a nightmare

This is what I saw there:

My childhood home, demolished, my accommodation
stood sturdy on it's grave as though it had
never existed
My Lady and My Mother were there, and they
resisted my protests, laughed cruelly in jest as they
marched into my flatmates room
I ran after them as their voices loomed like
mocking magpies
Every word a jab and peck

Then

An awful clarity
In hilarity, my flatmate jested that 'junk' had
been left in his room, but as I looked in, expecting gloom, I
saw, instead, the living room of my childhood home
Nailed down where it stood by the
additives of a university life.
I didn't see the past strife, but photographs of happy
times lay scattered or enlarged, their presence
marred by the fact
that, if they were here,
then no-one had wanted them
No one had cared
They had been left
lost
littered
scattered into the breeze of
demolition

Then calm
By the fireplace that had never been used
The adopted Nan sat and soothed by her
Life torn husband's side
Fire resided beside them as she and he
coaxed the flames across the wall
missing the grating
Every flickering flame pressed into a ball
as it spread
I lost my head staring at her peaceful white hair
She wasn't stuck in her chair
Or swathed in blankets
She looked right how she was
And I felt bad because I took a foam and
dampened the flame from the walls loam
Fearing injury I stole her
warmth
But she was always so exothermic
She doesn't haunt she fills

Willed forward with affection
But her questions sank into
a sudden guilt of my self-neglection
and as I tried
to hold
myself
together
I found my breath
was snatched
I didn't want to let her down
Couldn't bear for an
angel to see
a frown
so
I tried to catch
the tip of my mouth
and force myself to smile

But she knew all, of course she did,
and as I was marched up the aisle of
wakefulness
A single tear slid down my cheek
An emotion was allowed
to leak

Loss and Shame
Guilt and Pain

You shouldn't be like this
*Take care of yourself

He used to blow cigarette smoke into my mouth
and second hand poison had never tasted better
Demon of a lover, explorer and discoverer of all
points south,
Your abstract Juliet, not seeking
to die, sought only to lie and
to share the sin of your
skin
for even a second
of bliss

A smoke filled kiss
rebellion
Teaching me to live
again
In darkness filled with pleasure

The smell of a pipe
A treasure to carry beyond
The veil of reality

Occasionally I resent the clarity
which killed us
But thank Hell and God
for the smoke that filled us
*once

To remember your face
the jut of your chin covered in beard is now the only thing
un-erased by your sweep of hair
and even that's a puzzle
show me your face
I miss seeing your lips
but you've lain down fluff
like a mask, like you
want to prevent the path of a kiss
I'm finding it harder to miss,
because I can't remember the last time we properly
kissed
I want to play again
like new born lovers, laughing and
exploring
Instead of the open signpost which
states that lust isn't home right now
So please leave a message after
the tone of the
voice that sounds weary of me, but
desperate that I should never
leave
I want to feel wanted
I shouldn't feel haunted by your laugh
you're not dead yet
but every day I have to check
I'm so tired

Trim the beard
The hedge
Take a mower to the wilderness of your
face
I want to see the
**boy I love

and I'm right on the top
bang
Going to write my ****** scene
No spelling errors
No cusps of cuts of typos
Lipo of an essay
I'm going to take a textbook bullet
and blow my ******* brains out
Vowels and consonants splattering on the wall
Every ball of ******* up scribbles that
just missed the bin
are going to rise up, like ghosts, and mummify me
within their subtext of muffled screams

It's going to be fantastic

I'm going to drown my calculator in my dreams
Quietly muttering 3s and x's
Asking it if it can guess Y while I press it's buttons
like it happily pressed mine
Sadistic
Sarcastic
Fantastic-*******-tastic

Die

Ins­uperiority complex

Die

Wish to please

Die

The tease of the good mark that won't give out

Die

muffled shout

Bang

Top of the hit list, let's blow my ******* brains out.

If I could just eat your laugh
I would never need food again
Nor would I fear a path
Of starvation or death
For my life would be bereft in wholesome
and succulent
Good
And all that is left would eclipse all
that was lifted from
me, that last
time I heard that haunting
flaunting
*Laugh

of my life have been leading up to this.
The decision to go wasn't about you,
Wasn't about leaving or
forcing a rift,
I'm sorry I've 'robbed' you of every
timid kiss I've given you at midnight when I
can't tell if you're angry or sad or just tired
of my life being intertwined with yours
I'm sorry I've taken away every sentence I'd have used
to reassure you that I'm not bored with the
Silence which brings calm
And yes, I'm truly sorry that I can't feel your
arm around my shoulders
When I feel like your compliments have become
loaded boulders that intend to hurt
I'm terrified every time I think of you looking like Kurt
Because silence is now loaded like a gun
It's not such 'teenage fun' when I imagine
every last knife that you own, isn't
happy when I wait for the moan on the inbox that'll let
me know you've survived
Will let me know you're still alive
and haven't left me forever.
You're bones feel lighter than feathers when you
forget to eat, the unsteady beat of your heart is a
part of my own

Please, don't leave me alone.

You blame me, but you've framed me with a crime
that is yours.
I'm sorry I've missed every kiss, hug and snore
But if I'd stayed I would have hated you

Because you'd have robbed me
of my life, in favour of
your own.
Don't leave me alone, because you blame me
for the silence
Let me roam

If I come back, we'll be stronger.
And, while I'm gone, remember that I still belong
to you.

Just like I can be ***** if you want me too
Rip my clothes off
Who the ****'d stop you?

Was I asking?
Was I begging?
Did my knees look
so beguiling?

Did I want you? Want your slime to
drip down my legs like
sweaty dew.
Your panting breath left to stick
to me like glue.

But **** me, I'm a feminist "*****"
**** me, I'm the ugliest "bore"
**** me, and my empty sense of humour
**** me, I'm society's 'tumor'.

Because I'm stupid when I write.
I'm nonsensical when I fight against
illiterate vowels. Stop struggling they
yell as I bite into their arm give them hell

Sound the alarm
I've found Society's cyst.

Apparently the enemy does not exist
Pessimistic, narcissistic, neurotic and
paranoid *****

she's probably a ****** witch

I can be all those things if I have to.
I can be all those things if I want to.
The point is that I have a choice

I would tear a **** off with my teeth
before I give up my right to a
voice

Don't generalise me.

Spider
Panic
******/My death

Forgive me, I'm not exactly holding my breath
For tonight's dream to be good.
**Cos who exactly would?

So if you feel you cannot love me
Let me kiss you one last time
and in the potion of my tears I'll wipe
away the laughter lines of your memory
of Our Year
All of the Good ones
The Stupid
The Happy
The Dull
The Weird
Your Beard
So that ifwhen you leave me
My mark of imperfection must leave you.

Mustn't leave a trace
Except for the single crinkle on
your face when I made you
laugh.
You mustn't regret a thing in the
past
So, if we cannot last, then
my memory must leave

Do not grieve
That will be my job.
So, allow me to rob the food
of me before
I mould

It's better and worse **this way

So, When I Die,
burn up my remains
Wipe away a single drop of your pain,
safe in the knowledge that I got in
that One Last Pun
(Ash turned to Ashes)
Smile, because this ****** won, in
death, this one small way, she didn't
have to pay the reaper with her
humour. In this small way I'll get
to stay.

When I Die, don't give a **** about what you say,
Swear at me, hate me, bait me, but please remember me
as I lived. Remember my ability to give a snort
instead of a laugh. Remember when I
took a bath in every item of clothe,
remember how I could make a cove to
hide in out of anything. Remember
how I'd curl myself in and cry or
laugh until I sobbed.

When I die, try not to think about me as being 'robbed'. Instead,
remember me sleeping under chairs,
and catching people unaware, with
sudden, unprovoked song.
Remember me acting 'wrong': my chicken impression,
the monkey one too, recall how I could meow
and hiss and moo.
Let my lovers remember how I could
kiss while I grinned. How a girl so saintly could
sin so wrong.
Recall me, darlings, when I belonged; and
when I belonged to you.

and When I die, there will be no spewing over
empty words, I want beautiful vowels and verbs
and songs, if you have to long for me, then do it
while listening to Marley, listen to love,
listen to the mood.
Be lewd:
If you want to mosh then do it, if you want to
dance then try to feel it; the way I'd always
do.

When I die, cover yourselves in biro tattoos, turn
up to the wake caked in face paint, draw all the
way up your left arms,
None of you ******'s are allowed to self harm
So draw a cat with a halo and say no
to sensible shoes. Choose to wear whatever you like,
don a dress like a kite and blow up
all the balloons

When I die, I'm gonna have to stop
joining in all the fun.
So, please, never feel 'done' with joy.
Act coy.
Play with toys and teddies, if you
don't feel 'ready' to mature, then
don't. It won't help you to
feel happier if
you do.

When I die, still think of something purple
and something blue.
Make sure, at my death, that those things
are there too.
Don't hate me if you find out
something new, I never
aimed to hurt.

When I die, take a handful
of me, and set me safe in a stone, or
a goblet or cup…It doesn't matter which, but
I'd like the words "Level Up"
engraved for eternity
(Keeping ASDF with me, for yet
another century).

When I die, take a deep breath and start another war.
I lived by the law of no regrets, and (look at that!) you're not
dead yet; so try to follow that law too.

Remember, when I'm dead, just how much I loved you.

So when I die, put me in a firework
So that I can clash colours one last time,
Read out my rhymes, the good ones
and the hard ones (Maybe this one too!) once I'm gone
It's time that everybody knew.

And, once I die, let my memories stick
like glitter lain on glue.

*And put me in a firework and watch me glow anew

This game
I can't deal with it again
When is it going to sink in
that I am not something to win
I am not a reward for good behaviour
I don't have a ******* tick sheet
I don't give a **** about what you have
and haven't done, but don't you dare
look at me as an object to be 'won'

I miss you
The you who kissed my forehead
and told me I was too gorgeous and intelligent
to cry or be sad,
I miss you staring in my face and looking truly
glad that I could be with you
That I could love you.

I miss the you
who wasn't suddenly a lad.

You know who I am.
You know everything, before now
you said you didn't give a **** about
stuff I wore, or if I swore or
was 'unladylike' because that was me
I thought you fell in love with me

But apparently even your love can feel
un-sturdy, I feel like you've lured me in for a ****
You're eating me like a last meal, when
you have so many more years to give,
You turning on me is like a shiv through
the ribs

There's nothing left that I can give.

I've played the conditional game before
It burnt me til I could not trust
Then the lock was hit with lust, and then
you  were the one to find a key.

Please
Please
Please

I don't like this new guy
It's you I want to see

I swear that I am still **me

It's a yell
A shout
A scream
and it's unheard. Believe me, when I
say I am not what I seem to be
when I am smiling
when I am grimacing
and I am wishing that I could do it

"just like normal people do"

But the word "Anxious" is soaked
like a tattoo down to my bone, until
I feel so alone that I wish I could eat myself
Snake scales slowly sliding into place
As, with each new word, I slowly want
to trickle sand
and
erase my
embarrassment
All too aware of
harassment which doesn't exist

I can't even begin to give you a list
of the amount of ways I felt this
hole, this weight, this unmistakeable
slayer of my breath
make me feel bereft again of
society, and friendship,
and love,
My brain is constantly praying for that dove
with an olive branch
Just to take a stance over my head
and let me be led into freedom
But instead

My mentality lies in tatters
and what is left
wholesome is scattered
with fear on the wind,
gradually allowing itself to rescind
until it turns, reforms, and falls
again

I never know when it's going to strike

Usually it's when I start to like somebody new,
that it begins to brew up it's toxic mess
Friend, Other or Lover,
it will find a way to slither and make
less again,
So nuh-uh, no way, not again,
I refuse to look you in the eye,
because I'm scared I'll cry if I see my fear there,
I'm scared I'll see that you're aware, that my fear
is slowly drowning me, and crowning
me the Queen of
Isolation,
lost and uncertain
Wishing I could pull the curtain, but still
blindly hoping that audience will
come to, will see the tattoo
and not be disgusted.
I don't want to be distrusted, because every sorry
is laden with uncertainty and regret, that's it
not over yet, and the monster still holds
me by the throat,
I am bathed in mistrust's yolk

And I wish I could smell of something different.

But, I take a deep breath, and I let
another war begin.
Because every day I stare into another's
pupil, is
another day I kinda, sorta,
win.

WOW SUCH ESSAY
MUCH WRITE
MANY CAPITALS
CAFFEINE

Be with me in the dark and slip your arms
apart to cradle my body
To yours now.

Wait with me in the dark and watch
me embark on the journey
that I must endure now.

Listen with me in the dark and hark to
an unspoken pressure
Hear my
Pleasure
My whispers of grief
Relief
Watch as the Autumn leaf of my skin
Fades

Love is with me in the dark
As I listen to the end, and the start, of
a wave of sand.

I hold onto your hand in the dark, and watch
as your lips part in the last laugh of
un-regret.

I smell your last cigarette
Taste your last breath
and watch, bereft, yet whole,
watching time pull away
the last strand of my
summer wreath in winter,
Time so Full
that it can only Cease

Released

Time is so full
It can only
bring

Peace
now

Because there's a hole in my head
There's a dent that has lent itself out
to destitution
and depression
and dull sorrow.

And I wish it wasn't there, but
sometimes wishes are not real, and
the monsters under the bed stretch to fill
reality.

To rip me
and sometimes they always never want to leave.

Small child, hiding behind a harsh cut fringe
Fans her hand across the window
Feeling the brightness dance underneath
her tiny fingertips
So watchful
So fearful
She stares hungrily within at
the writhing figures incased, suspended
in interaction

Laughter
Anger
Life

The window feels cold, yet
she can sense the warmth within
and it fills her aching bones with promise



The handprints fades from the window
And the door tentatively opens up
The girl breathes a last breath of fortitude
and steps inside, opening her head and heart,
displaying, placing within vulnerability,
Hopeful
Unstoppably hopeful
That there'll be people who like what they see

*I just want them to like me

My heart races
As the last traces of
my pulse trickles
away.

And the cloud strewn skies
Opened up their eyes and cried
Upon my upturned face

And as the thunder rolled
Alone I strolled
Turned out, and out of place

And I yelled my lies to those
Cloud strewn skies and within
I searched to erase

An upturn lip is wished to be
washed away, a roving eye is
bidden to rest

And under the sight of that
cloud strewn sky, I made
myself again,

But, this time, more than less.

I will not share her with you,
and I will not share you with her.

Vulnerable
Drunk
*****

She's sometimes looked

But, how could you
How dare you

Tonight, I feel the hurt
of a ****** again
When I thought your power was over

Nostalgia has slapped me in the face
The words you loved me with recycled
and blowing away

Old Stingy Salts yelling in historical triumph.
Disappointment breathing rankly in my face
As a single paranoid thought circles my mind like a shark

So I lay, every night, in a shirt
that you've given me
Because I want another reminder that although
I'm mad and you're sad
You're still a part of me

And it's going to break my heart when I wash and starch
the sheets that you've touched, where you've touched me

If you think you're not important
then perhaps you haven't met me

I pressed pause on life and look on into a brink
of a new dawn, but you found a way to break in

Life giving water, come down from your cloud
and wash over me, rid yourself of the frown which
you've stapled down to your chin
Lift me, every grin you give me, reminds me not to fear of eternity
You are such a gift.

But once you're in that cloud you block me out,
There is no lift that can take me to your heights
Why do you fight to prevent any help?
You call me, an unbreakable siren SOS,
yet you will not let me in

let me in

I am bare to you
Too aware of you to allow myself
to press a pause
to take a breath
a leap
a wreath of blackened roses
cut into my head

Please, stop acting like you wish you're dead

That's what she said
That's what she said

Be bare to me

and let me in
I allowed that pain of me.

If I gave a knife and asked you to take the tip
and run it's icy breath across my face
Would you do it?

If I danced across a burning flame
and asked you to step into the light
Would you question it?

And If I looked to you in an hour of need
My skin pulled paper taught
and a look of wordless want across
the sand dunes of my face

Would you help me do it?

For perhaps a deeper need is not within the things
we would or wouldn't do, but in the things we share.

You needn't take the knife
You do not need to watch me burn
You do not have to help me die

But if I ever turn to you and ask of you a sin
I ask, if you cannot, that you quietly still keep me in your mind.

Longing
Dancing
Dying

My wrinkled hand scorching a single
frozen sandprint in your palm
as I drift away for one last time

Feverish hands fluttered like skittish birds
Nervous eyes danced like a swan's last song
and the promise of tomorrow was left on my lips
like a sticky note.

I'm sick of feeling calm
and 'Brave' and 'Strong'
I'm longing, for once, to
not have to balance to maintain
'Right' and 'Wrong'

Because it's 'Right' that people
either play the 'Soldier or the 'Victim'

But, I've never had a ******* say
Never get to say ***** it
Never run away
Never raise my voice
Never add to the confusion

Because I'm the only one who can sort it out

Well I'm sick of playing Clean Up
Sick of wiping up your Slime
your Anger
your Hate
your Uselessness
your Ineptitude
your Spine and
your Gluttonous Selfish Views

Sick of your **** and sick and bile

Sick of having to smile and say "I'll be fine"
Sick of having to whine
Because it's the only way I stay living

Why do I have to be forgiving?

******* All
For the length of this poem I'm
going to be TALL and HAPPY and POISONOUS
and HEALTHY
then I'll go back to being small
accepting
pitiful
and fading

and I'll never tell you all,
as I rearrange while you blame,
that the 'faults' are
all
our faults
after all.

Don't look
Don't even think about
The Hairbrush

You've put it off
But now
you must put on a show

Almost hear the hairs

Doing it with fingers is worse
Like a rake to leaves
Smile
Remain calm
Carry on

Showering is a new hell
There they stick to you
Like leftover over seaweed
on the sand of your scalp

Wet Souvenirs of the past weeks
You pick them off one by one
try not to cry again

I hate this
Hate what has happened
Search for a blame
obvious choices
Attempt Anger
Anything but this empty smile
(Maybe the hormones will help)
and the familiar throb

But all I feel is Panic
Sorrow
and Resignation

That tomorrow always holds
another war

Regardless of how sick I am of fighting.

You left a note, but she didn't care
Instead she breathed a last trail of smoke
From your matted hair
Surprise, the reaper came early this time
Surprised you could see from the smoke in her eyes

Inhale
Inhale

So she wrapped you up in knotted
grey sheets of white, her eyes now light up from the fear
Of the Night
That the tonight you might bite her
That you might excite her
With your wings of hallowed promises
and peace

Inhale
Inhale

Lay down a wreath
You meant it this way

Watch through the smoke in your eyes
Watch as she swallows goodbyes
Instead attaches you to the chain in her chest
Lays you down in her bed then watches you rest
From a nest
From the floor
Uncertain
at last
She adores you enough

Her Past
Slowly eating her
At Last
The excuse has arrived
Surprise

Inhale
Inhale

The chain in her chest
Becomes the chain on her neck
And as for the rest, that
you chose when
You took a breath

To bereave
To leave
Was to force her to breathe her last

Inhale
Inhale
and

Legs Parted
Soul Kickstarted
Is your heart truly in
this again?
When will you learn
that the stroke of the
burn on your slit
Won't cure what bit you
at birth
Craving for earth.
When you hope for your existence
Is this really all
that you can
see?

I swear, to fight when you are fought
To provide safety when you are vulnerable
To give comfort where there is hurt
And bring love where there is emptiness

Standing, sword drawn, at the cliff tops
of your mind,
How can I defend you, when the worst
lies within?