She was so scary
So calm
She had the night under her eyes
She was so hidden that she could laugh in the middle of a panic attack

Pain is your body way to tell you something is wrong
When your heart aches, it’s probably because of the wrong person
Or the wrong word
Or the wrong perception
When your heart aches
It’s not okay
And you either push away what hurts it
Or heal it
And sometimes even leaving everything behind.
But
Ignoring it, is never a choice.

Sometimes
I light a small candle
Thinking that you might notice me
Maybe you’ll remember
I’m here
Somewhere
Alone
In the dark
But instead
You come
And Pour gasoline
On me
You use my candle
To set me on fire
And watch me
Burning
Alone
In the dark

I would like to punch this headache in the face.

For the last couple of days , I’ve been going through one of my many depressive episodes.

Medically, these episodes don’t meet the criteria  to be called “depressive” .
But I call them that because they remind me of the times when I was medically psychologically officially depressed.
Same darkness, same hopelessness.

Yesterday my mood wasn’t low. It was underground. Strong enough to drag me with it and watch me gasping for my breath, and laugh.

But yesterday was different.
for the first time I was depressed, but not lonely.
I had a chest under my head, a hand in my hair, and whispers in my ear: I love you, it’s ok.

Yesterday, for the first time, I wanted to beat my depressive episode.

You look at the mirror
realize that you changed for someone else
How much you hate it
You start searching for yourself again
You search for the stories you used to hide
For the poems you wrote behind your face
You search for your little secrets hanging on the corner of your lips
For the curses in your eyes
You search for the things you hided untill they were forgotten
And the things you forgot utill they disappeared
unill you disappeared
And the only thing you can see
Is a fake reflection on the mirror.
....
تنظرُ إلى المرآة
و تعي في لحظة واحدة أنّك تغيّرت لأجل أحدهم
تكرهُ نفسك
تبحثُ عن قصائدك المُخبّأة خلف وجهك
عن الأسرار المُعلّقة عند زاوية فمك
تبحثُ عن الشتائم في عينيك
و الغضب في حنجرتك
عن الأشياء التي خبّأتها إلى أن نسيتها
و نسيتها إلى أن اختفت
إلى أن اختفيت
و لا يبقى منك سوى انعكاس كاذب
على المرآة

You scream
I scream
And still
No one can hear us
I can’t hear you
You can’t hear me
I can’t hear me

We scream:
- you did
- No you did
- You broke me
- You hurt me

We turn our backs
We cry on the walls chest
We crawl back
To each other
I hide under your shirt
And continue crying

We cry and
We want to be
What we’ll never be:
Close.

حلمتُ أنّني سيّارة
بلا ركّاب
بلا وجهة
و بعجلة مثقوبة

Silence
Can be sharper than knives sometimes .

من عادتي أن أمشي بطيئًا جدًّا في الحب.
يستيقظ قلبي عندما يرقصُ قلب غيري، و يرقصُ قلبي عندما يبدأُ قلبه بالاحتراق، و يحترق قلبي بعدما يكون قلبه قد أنار العتمة كلها بمفرده.
أمشي بطيئًا بالحب، ولا أعرفُ مشيًا غيره، و لذلك كان على من يُمسك بيدي أن يمشي بسرعة عشرين كيلومتر في الساعة رغم أنّ قلبه يركب طائرة نفّاثة.
طعمُ الطيران يُصبحُ باهتًا عندما تكونُ خائفًا.
و هكذا، أصلُ مُتأخرة لكلّ مرحلة، بعد جُهدٍ لا يراه من كان أمامي يُدحرجُ قلبه ككرة القدم بينما أجرُّ خاصتي خلفي جرًّا.
أصلُ بعد أيّام و أسابيع، بعد أن يكونوا قد أكلوا مشاعرهم ليتسلّوا بها خلال الانتظار.
أصلُ إليهم فارغين إلّا من أُغنية ميّتة و وردة حمراء ذابلة، و الكثير من الضجر.
يضحكُ قلبي، يهمسُ لي أن في حالاتٍ كهذه، ألّا تصلَ أبدًا خيرٌ من أن تصل مُتأخرًا.
ثمّ يجرّني خلفه
و أعود.

...

I’m used to walk very slowly towards love.
My heart yawns when someone’s beats, beats when someone’s is on fire, fires up when someone’s turns into ash.
I walk very slowly towards love and it’s the only way I know.
That’s why whoever trys to hold my hand have to walk 20 kilometers an hour while his heart is on an airplane.
Flying is dull when you’re afraid.
I always arrive late, after putting all my efforts into draging my heart while the one beside me is kicking his like a football.
they wait for me, but when I arraive I find that they ate their feelings because of bordem.
So I have to turn back. And go.

I suddenly realized
I have a very big hole
In my heart
That everyone I know
Fall of

The problem is that loving someone in the wrong way and not loving him looks the same.

With you
I was a human glass
Half full
Half empty
Half of perfections
And another of flaws
You used to always dip your fingers
In my full, watery, perfect half
And play
Spilling it here and there
Till I had nothing but a very little muddy water in the bottom
You decided to water your plants by
And put the empty glass next to many others.

F* me cause I cared.

This night is weird.
I can't hear the moon screaming, I can't hear the sound of my neighbor tear drops, or the smile of mother.
It's so quite.
Usually, all the hidden things come to life at night, but This night seems to **** love and pain.

I think about death a lot lately. Again.
I don't need positive crap, or fake hope.
I thought maybe I need someone. But no, someone is not what I need too.
Maybe I should do something, I did.
But still, the worms inside keep moving whatever I do.
I can feel my flesh melting, finding its way between my ribs.
Suddenly a storm of fireworks start to raise my body temperature to the extent I have to take off my own skin.
I do take off my clothes when I feel like taking off my skin. Mom hates that, she doesn't know how it feels to burn alive from the inside so it's ok.
I don't really want to die, but the black hole inside me won't just leave me alone.
Dad says I should look at myself in the mirror and talk to her, encourage her, but all I want is to take her out of the mirror and tear her apart into very little chewy pieces.
Death, it's a weird thing to dream about in my twenties.

It’s an illusion
For someone to drag you
Out of your confusion
To watch you smoking
And find it amusing

It’s an illusion
Your soulmate
The perfect half
the one to wipe your tears
And draw a laugh

It’s an illusion
To find someone
Who doesn’t want to change you
Accept you as you
Just you
Without making of you, someone new.

And believe me little girl: there’s nothing you can do for someone who chose to be sad.

Look at me
Look at me
Do I still look the same?
I don’t
I don’t even know my name
I lost it when i started this
The love of you
No one told me it’s just a game
What a shame !
What a shame !

Your life is so empty it's scary.

كانت مُخيفة، خفيّة إلى الحدّ الذي يجعلها تُلقي النُكت في وسط موجات اكتئابها.

I don’t care anymore
To the extent I can jump
Of a skyscraper
Without even looking down

I have a hell inside
That’s why my eyes shine so bright.

I started hiding parts of me until they’ve  got mad and left.

You realize how stupid you are
When you look at your heart
An see how you let someone
To cause all of these bruises
In the name of love

I search for your name
In every app
In every event
In songs of rap
In every face
In every scent
I realized
It’s always there, I had no clue
Hanging from the corner of my lips
It’s not the name I’m searching for
But you.

I promised
To never miss you
To never look back
But how can I
When all of me
Belongs to the corner of your lips

I promised
To never say your name
To forget your shiny neck
To forget the love and the pain
But how can I
When you’re the only way
For me, you’re the only way.

I promised
To **** you one hundred times
But knives became roses
And white flags are up
in front of your heavenly eyes

I promised
And promised
And promised

And I lied.

It rang
“ he is the man “
After his five fingers
Were imprinted on my cheek

The Man ?
What does that even mean?
Muscles ?
Good looking beard?
Money?
Dominance?

I’ve always associated MAN
With
Gentle
Honest
Lover
Friend

But no
A Man
Will always
Be just
A man

Greedy and coward

Today was windy
The wind was full of cold emotions
Dry smiles
Dusty screams
Today was cold
Sunlight on hold
No way for a warmth
No way for hope
Now I’m in my bed
You’re not with me
Your smell instead
And it’s windier
It’s colder
My lips are blue
And my eyes are red