I'm sad
I don't know why
I do
It's a lot of things actually
The fear of losing him
The fear we won't be close anymore after this year
If he leaves after this year
I'm not ready for that
I also don't know what to say to her
To ease her mind
To make her feel wanted and that I care
She's my best friend
But I can't  tell her
I'm still afraid of getting bullied
I'm still afraid people are judging me
All the time
It's painful
I'm confused
Hurt
Scared

**BROKEN

I loved you
Gave you everything I had
Let you in
Show'd you all my emotions
Told you everything
And now
You tell me this
You choose to tell me when I'm at my worst
Just to add to it all
Just to make it even worse
I should've saved it
Why didn't you tell me ages ago
I hate you for this
You don't even care for me
Like you used to
Did you even genuinely care before

Is it strange
To not worry so much
When I can feel myself drifting away from you
I don't seem to mind somehow
All that I've been put through
Kind of feels okay to be slowly drifting
.-.

Dear the Old Me,
You're depressed
Why don't you seek help
You're afraid
You still in primary school
You have no idea
What depression even is
Or that its even a word
At this stage your 9 years old
And your depressed
You just don't really know it yet
You can't explain why your sad most days
Why you cry in your room everyday
Why you always hide under the bed
Hiding away from the world
Let's go forward to year 8
Your at intermediate
You've discovered depression
What it is
It explains everything
Things were worst than ever last year
You were alone
Scared
Depressed
Cried every single day
Felt unwanted
Year 9
You've started self harming yourself
It takes away the pain
Just a little bit
Helps you focus on something else
Just for a little while
Takes the weight off
Just for a little while
You want to die
You've almost gone through with it
Many many times
But you're scared
Put the scissors down
Put the string down
Put the knife down
It's going to be okay
Year 10
You're getting there ***
Things are getting better sweets
Trust me
You're getting better
Slowly
Painfully
Year 11
You're getting bullied
Being told your fake
Ugly
*****
****
But it's okay
You have people there for you this time
To support you
You couldn't be happier
You've met a guy
That you've never really noticed before
He's better than the rest
Witty, kind, quiet, intreging
Your childhood best friend is with you
She's right by your side too
Year 12
This guy now means the world to you
Your best friend and you are closer than ever
She's more your sister now
Things are okay
Average
You're getting bullied
It's starting again
*****, ****, fake
You get to school and your friend doesn't notice
How broken you are
Your best friend can tell right away
You can't stand it you breakdown
Go to class
That guy grabs your arm
Pulls you aside away from the terrors
Asks you what's wrong
You cry right in front of him
He doesn't mind at all
He pulls you close to him
Against his chest
Your making his shoulder wet with your tears
He doesn't mind
He looks after you all day
Keeping a close eye on you
You realise that day who your real friends are
Next day you get threatened
Your scared
He tells you he'll protect you
He does
He keeps you safe
Right now your 16
Have the best friend ever
Best guy in the world to protect you
Best friends ever
Happy family
And great things
Dear the Old Me
Things do get better
Way better
Hang in there love

Oh God help me
I'm stressing again
The what ifs are getting to me
The confusion
The fear of losing them
Is getting intense
Stress
Tension
Pain
I don't know what to think
I don't know what to do
Ahhhhh
Lord help me

So many people
Asked me today
Are you okay bro?
Are you alright?
What's wrong?
Truth is idk if I am okay
I don't think I am
But then again
I don't exactly know why I'm so sad either

You were there for me through my worst moments you hugged me when I needed it most you let me cry and sleep on your shoulder and you wouldn't let me sleep feeling alone and sad til you made sure I was okay again you wouldn't sleep yourself til you had made sure I was home safe you were protective of other people hurting me and said you'd never let them get to me as long as you were there you said you'd always have my back and to tell you if anything ever happened and you'd be there we used to tell each other everything now it's nothing now it's just small talk no more DMC'S no more deep late night conspiracy theory talks about aliens and the world I miss that a lot

I want it back how it used to be
Back when I was happy
All the time
When I was happy to see you
When everything was dandy
Love was in the air
When I was okay again

"Stay safe"
"Please stay by me today, you'll be okay, I won't let anything happen to you, I won't let anyone hurt you"
"It's really pretty"
"Awwww"
"Right in my heart"
"Good morning :) "
"Goodnight get some sleep yeah"
"Did you eat up at the hospital you should eat something"
"I pray for you"
" lord keep her safe protect her all the time"
"Lord please let her be healthy and not get diabetes please"
"Goodnight, have a good sleep and swak dreams"
"Please stay safe around all that I got your back if anything happens but please be safe"
"Promise me you won't I don't want anything happening to you okay"
"What do you need right now"
"Swag guy"  "swag girl"
"It's a date"
"You look great"
"Everything going to be okay I'm here for you they're just jealous don't worry about it"
"Keep smiling they're not worth it"
"Enjoy your meal poo"
"Have a good day and safe travels"
"Stay safe please in (city name) "
"Stand behind me they're dodgy"

Sitting watching
the play today
Things seemed
Almost
Perfect

A good friend on my right
Laughing her silly laugh
Pulling faces
Leaning against me
Laughing uncontrollably
Loud and high pitched

Him
On my left
Sitting as close as possible
Feeling his breath on my arm
Ice cold fingers
Piercing my skin
Leg pressed against mine
Hearing his soft laughter in my ear
And his stupidly funny
Witty comments

Sitting
Laughing
Watching
Peacefully
With some of my
Favourite people
Surrounding me
Together
In harmony
Enjoying the show

Do you ever just sit there
In your living room
Drinking hot chocolate
And listening to the rain fall on the tin roof?

Do you ever just look at him
And think
Man I'm so lucky
I don't know how I deserve you
But oh how I'm thankful

Do you ever just look at your family
And one minute
You hate them
But you really can't
You can't hold anything against them
You really just love them

Do you ever just flick through photographs
Reliving those memories
The laughter
The tears
The regrets
The magical moments

Do you ever just sit there
And think
Man life is pretty **** good
Your grateful
Thankful
Its all working out
Just the simple things

I have this guy
He's not exactly just a friend
Not exactly a boyfriend either
He means heaps to me
Just all of a sudden
I always said to myself
I'd never fall into that trap
The trap of caring so much for one person
That if anything ever happened to them
It would **** you eternally
But this ones different
He cares for me more than anyone ever has
He's kinder to me than anyone's ever been
And supports me more than anyone ever has
With him things are different
With him nothing else seems to matter
Because I finally feel
Accepted, Protected, Cared for, looked after
Safe

I miss my childhood
When everything was so much easier
I wasn't scared to fall in love
I wasn't even scared to fall out of the tree
I fell of the fence enough times it felt normal
Normal to fall
But back then
I never got hurt from falling
Back then the hardest decision was what flavor ice cream i wanted at the bus depot with my dad
The worst thing that happened was my ice cream falling off the cone onto the floor
I miss the simplicity of things
The way I could play outside for hours and not get bored
When I used to play around on the street with my best friend riding our bikes til the street lamps came on and we knew to get our ***** home
I miss the old days
When life was simple
And I was oblivious to the horrors of this world
The bad things that actually happen
That there's more monsters than the imaginary ones under my bed
That I will end up falling but this time I'll probably get hurt
It wont be falling off the fence it will be falling in love
It won't be losing an ice cream
It will be losing a friend
A loved one

You have no idea do you
I may be in love with you
And no matter how hard I try
To push that away
To block out all those feelings for you
To move on to some other man
That would love me so much
I just can't seem to
No matter how hard I try
I just can't
Your always in the back of my mind
Reminding me of what we had
The beauty of it
The first time you hugged me
The first time you held my hand
When we fell asleep together cuddling
When you scared me only to hug me and keep me safe
The first time you saw me cry
You just held me and said it would all be alright
The first time we walked home just you and I
The first time I leaned my head on your shoulder
The first time you helped me dance
I felt alive you brought me back to life
You made me feel free genuinely happy
Genuinely safe
And it hurts
**** it hurts so so fucken much
To think what we had then
Is nothing now
I want to cry so much
It hurts so badly
You weren't even really an ex
But maybe your were an ex maybe
An ex something
An ex possibly
It felt like we were dating
You held my hand
You let me sleep on your chest cuddling me tightly
You told me to stay safe
You told me you had my back
You held my in your arms and kept me safe
You watched me cry and held me
You told me you'd never let anyone hurt me that as long as you were there I'd be safe
But here you are hurting me yourself your there I'm hurting so much and you have no idea
How much I love you

Feelings aren't just like concrete blocks
You can break me
Manipulate me
Make it seem like it's all my fault
Punch my emotions
Like I'm a punching bag
But as soon as I'm done
Over this torture
I'm done
And you'll never hear from me again
If you want me to stay
Don't **** with my feelings
Don't punch my emotions
And please do not break me
For you see
I've already been broken
And it took me years to piece
Myself back together again
I had to find someone to help me
To be my bandaid
My rock
Without them I'd still be broken
And slowly drifting away
From everything I know
Slowly disintegrating
Into nothing
You see
I'm not like a concrete block
I can be broken
Like delicate china

I feel so alone
He was the only person I could talk to
About absolutely everything
And feel completely comfortable telling him
Now I have no one
I'm so alone

All I want right now
Is you
Right here
Lying beside me
In my bed
Sleeping innocently
The way we did at camp
The way you played with my hair
And stroked my arm with your thumb
Gently running it up and down
Feeling your breath on me
Your chin resting on my head
Listening to the steady heartbeat in your chest
Feeling safe in your arms
Genuinely happy
With the light flutter
Of butterflies
Moving in my stomach
The smile creeping in on my face
As you move your hand to my back
Pull up the back of my top
And gently rub my bare back
Your foot curled over mine
So even if you let me go
I could still feel you there
And be able to sleep
I want to go back to that time
All I want is you
Right here
Right now
With me
In your arms
Feeling your gentle touch
And listening to your heartbeat
Resting on your chest
I want you
I miss you
I need you

I don't really know
But I feel like
I'm slowly breaking
losing it all
Slowly breaking
Inside
Trying to hide it on the outside
You three people
Make me happy
Happier than I've ever been
But you can't seem to make me
Genuinely happy
anymore
I'm slowly breaking
And I don't know why
I'm scared
Falling
Breaking
Worried
Scared of falling back into that hole again
She screams but no words come out
She finds it hard to reach out for help
No matter how much they notice
That she's not okay
She won't even admit it to herself
Shes breaking
Slowly
Falling
She doesn't know what to do
Or how to even handle herself
She's been through it all before
She can't go back
Back to that hell
She stayed in for years
She's so scared
HELP
she screams but nothing but silence
escapes her lips

The way you lean in
Close to me
To whisper something
In my ear
To make me laugh
To make me smile

The way you sit a little closer
When it gets too cold
And your fingers
Ice cold
Burning against my skin
You smile
That stupid
Crooked smile
And tickle me
With your wit

The way you grab my arm
When I'm on the verge of tears
Pull me away
From the torture of today
To ask me what's wrong
And pull me in close to you
Arms tightly around me
Not caring how wet
Your shoulder is getting

The way you message me
Good morning
Just to check on me
Because its been a day
Since we've talked
And you can't bear to wait

The way your chest feels against mine
Hearts beating together
Your arms tightly round my waist
As I'm lifted and swung around

The way I go to pull away
And you pull me back
Closer to your chest
Arms tighter
Because one hug wasn't enough

The way I feel protected
Whenever your around
Because you've always told me
You'd always keep me safe

It's funny isn't it
How a mere stranger can
All of a sudden
Without notice
mean the entire world to you
Was it your coffee brown eyes
So full of life
Full of care
Or was it your big white smile
Stretching from ear to ear
Or the way you spoke to me
Like no one else
In that soft tone of voice
What was it that
Pulled me in
What was it
That intregied me
To end up liking you so much
Just all of a sudden you
Meant the world
And I'm not quite sure why
Or how
For you see
I hardly knew you a year ago
But now I know things about you
Even your best friends don't
And you know me
Better than anyone
It's funny that
We hardly knew each other
Just our names
And now
We know everything

The way that one
Piece of hair
Falls on your forehead
When you don't have enough wax
In your hair
The way you straighten it
Everyday
Because you hate the curls
That I like
The way you get cold so easy
So you sit a little closer to me
Feel my warmth
Put your hand on my knee
Or on my arm
Your icy fingertips
Burning my skin
How you always hold
Onto my hand
Longer than you should
When you shake my hand
Or hi five me
And bend your fingers over
To hold my hand in yours
The way your eyes light up
When you laugh
Or smile at me
As I wake up
From sleeping in class
The way we both are drawn
To a stray cat
Walking down the pathway home
The way you grab my arm
Or put your hand on my knee
And ask if I'm okay
When I'm on the verge of tears
And tell me it's all going to be fine
When I get scared
And you put your arm around me
And run with me in your arms
Away from what we fear
The way you pull me off the road
So I don't get hit
The way your hand is pressed
Firmly on my back
Getting me away
From any bad situation
The way you care for me
My safety
My health
My feelings
Way more than I do myself
I don't really understand why
But oh how I'm grateful
You were that person
I always prayed for
That God would send me
Someone I could count on
Someone to protect me
Care for me
Understand me and my ways
And make me happy again

There's so much I could say I don't know where to start. I like how much you care for me and I don't know why you care for me so much or how  deserve you but I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am. I like how protective you are of me you always have my back ALWAYS even when you can't be there you're still there for me through messaging me. I like how you message me good morning just to check on me and see how I was and if everything was alright. I like how you messaged me every time I go on road trips and tell me to stay safe everyday and message me when I'm travelling there and home and make sure I get home safely every time we walk somewhere at night. I like how you made me keep that promise to keep me safe at night. I love how we tell each other stuff and how I can trust you with anything and I can tell you anything. I like how we fight about the silliest things they aren't even real arguments just us joking around pretending to be mad at each other when we're not and one of us sneaks a look at the other and smiles and the other person catches us and we know we can never be angry at each other. I love how we share the same morals and i don't really know what to say there's too many things I like about you. I like the way you hug me slowly and tightly and you don't let go for ages long enough for me to feel your warmth and appreciate the moment and even long enough for a small conversation in each others ear. I like the way you say goodnight to me it helps me sleep with ease of knowing I still have you.  The truth is I'm scared of losing you so scared I've never been so scared of losing someone in my life. I need you in my life I can't lose you not now not ever please never leave. I'll miss your touch, your icy fingertips touching my knee comforting me making sure I'm alright, I'll miss being able to sleep on your shoulder feeling your warmth on my cheek and you softly talking to me so no one else can **** in our conversation, I'll miss the way we put our arms around each other and walk together to protect each other, the way you whisper in my ear and scare the **** out of me to point out some imaginary thing in the bush when it's dark just to scare me so I get scared and bump into you so you can laugh and put your arm around my shoulders and we'll laugh together, I'll miss the way you sit closer to me when it's cold and offer your jacket to me, I'll miss your quiet comments in my ear when we're watching plays together, I'll miss our stupid little conversations when we're mad at each other but still want to talk but we're not really mad at each other just pretending to because you know I can't stay mad at you if you flash your big cheesy smile at me and you know it gets me every time, I'll miss the way you look deeply into my eyes when your looking at me and talking to me so please never leave or a part of me will leave with you

I can't seem to
Tell you how I feel
But it hurts how much I care for you
I've never been so afraid of losing one person
In my entire life
You mean the entire world to me
Everything you've done
Makes me feel more for you
Everyday
And when your gone
It's as if a lot is missing
Half of me is gone
As they say absence
makes the heart grow stronger
And they're right you know
Because God did I miss you

Its kinda sad really
When you can feel
One of your favorite people
Slowly slipping away from you
It's not as exciting now when you talk to them
It doesn't make you that happy anymore
The little things they do
Its kinda sad really
When you can feel them
Slipping out of your reach
Off on their own journey
Without you

He is the only person I've ever felt genuinely safe in their arms like nothing could touch me I finally felt safe for the first time only with him and no one can take that away no matter what you say I will always fall for his smile because of everything he has done for me

I could look at you
For a single minute
And
Find a thousand things
That I love about you

What's the point
In trying
What's the point
In making an effort
With you
When you have "goals"
**** your stupid goals
They're not goals
They're just an excuse
**** it
*******
Without you
There's nothing
I have no one
I have no one to share
My everything with
No one to help me
Like you do
No one to protect me
Like you do
No one to talk to
No one to joke around with
Like you
**** it
I can't

Cool your so fucken cool mate!!!!!!!!





Ffs

**** this
**** that
People are slowly growing apart from me
I can see it
Is it because I'm not doing anything to stop it
Or are they purposely moving on
My best friend is being taken away
My first love hardly talks to me anymore
My boys I don't much talk to
I miss them
v.v
I'm upset with it all
This *****
I don't really want to be here anymore

Here I was overthinking everything
It's a bit selfish of me really
I need to expand my mind
Think of others
What they're doing
What may be masking their thoughts right now
You won't fall in love with another girl over there
I've been reading my journal today of old times with you
The memories we shared
The conversations we had
How you'd protect me and make sure I was safe
Never let me sleep until I was alright again
Solve my problems for me
Help me
Give me a hand with even little silly things
Help me see the light
Show me that it's not as bad as it may seem
Show me that sometimes my perspective isn't the only perspective and help me to see through other people's eyes
You've helped me with everything
And I'm eternally grateful
The way you look at me
The way you hug me
The way you've held my hand
The way you put your arms around me to keep me safe
I'm silly for ever forgetting that
Re reading these memories
Brought tears to my eyes
Happy tears
Because I finally realised
My mind is being silly
It's because I miss you
I overthink these things
Your extremely busy
And I forgot that
Good luck for your competition in an hour
You'll do great
Can't wait to see you again soon
And have a safe trip on Tuesday
Much love
:) x

I'm done

You think your friend
Is in danger
One of the happiest
Cutest people ever
This person we know is on their Facebook
Dragging all this ******* out
Making it seem like something was wrong
When in the end it was just our mate
And said she was asleep
Why'd you drag that out so long
Making us worry
To find it's really nothing
**** sakes

I'm Fustrated
At myself
Mostly
In you
A little
I want to tell you
I like you
A lot
A **** load
Okay
Like yeah
But
I can't
I'm fucken scared
Scared it'll ruin what we have
Already
Fucken scared
It'll ruin our friendship
What do I do

You don't understand
I get that
You don't see it how I do
You don't really realize the beauty of it
The messages
The touch
The caring protection
the feeling of safety
You just don't see that
Cause I don't really tell you
You dont understand
I get it
But don't put them down
please
I love them

My life in its whole self
is completely flipped
completely different
brand spanking new
I prayed so hard for something
I never thought would come
I prayed so hard for a fresh start
Completely flip turned life
I was over the past
I hated it
It was filled with far too much grief
Eating disorders, depression
Anxiety, Insomnia, Broken Hearted,
Scared, everything seemed to just come back and haunt me
The one person I thought would be there forever
Never really cared as much as I thought
Never really gave as much as I would
But then somehow
Everything changed so quickly
I lived somewhere else
Found someone new
and wonderful
Found myself and owned it
Began to love myself from the love I was shown
From the people I managed to surround myself with
I prayed so hard back then for something to come
Someone to come
I didn't know what would come of it
But they were definitely answered
And thank goodness they were....
Because now...
Everything seems to be fitting in how it always should have...
But I guess we're all meant to go on a little adventure
called life,
And experience life without them
So now we can come together as one
and share our stories with each other
And appreciate them even more.

Why are you so protective of me
Why do you have to make sure I'm okay all the time
Why do you hug me like you do
Why did you hold my hand that time
I was fine just holding onto your arm
Why did you send me a heart that time
Why do you always try prank me
Why do you always look at me
Why did you let me sleep on your chest that time
Why did you play with my hair and hold onto me tight while we were sleeping
Why do you care so much for me
Why do you do all of this
Then say you don't feel the same to people
But then your best friends want us to be together
Same with your sister
I'm so confused
Do you love me or not
Because all your doing
Is leaving me here
Alone
Feeling confused
Hurt
When you said you could never hurt me
You are right now

Re reading my old poems
written about you
and choking on my words
because I need to stop
and smile to myself
Feels my heart beating a bit faster
and feeling all the emotions towards you
From all our moments
and memories
in one hit
I can't even speak
outloud
Its hard to even speak
The feelings are real
Do you love me too
Because God did I love you

What am I supposed to say?
What am I supposed to do?
When all I can think is
All the times you shut me down
Didn't think I cared
Tried so hard to show you I did
But it didn't work
When you got angry at me
And I didn't know why
You told me to open my eyes
You swore at me
Just like they did
Just the same way I've been hurt in the past
If you push me away enough
I'll eventually leave you
There's only so much
One person can take love
I hang out with this group
You're not very fond of
But when I'm with them
everything bad goes away for a while
They help me forget
I love them with everything I have
You don't understand that
I don't understand you a lot

"I'm just girl
Standing in front of a boy
Asking him to love her"

I feel
Hurt
Scared
Confused
Loved
Hated
Annoyed
Sad
Happy
Angry
*******
Upset
Down
Unwanted
Not Good enough
All in one
And all together
Makes me feel
More Upset
And Sad
Than anything

Fling yourself off a bridge
Funny you should say that
I was thinking the exact same thing
last night
Thinking it would be easy
Maybe someone walking past would notice and help me
They'd bump into me and i'd fall
Maybe even die on the way down
Before I crashed into the river
Along with the rest of them
Or maybe someone would see me
and stop me
Actually realise how bad it is
And hold me in their arms
And say its going to be okay
Funny you should say that
Cause I was thinking the exact same thing

Truth is
I'm getting bad again
And your the only one
That helps me genuinely
Makes me happy
But
I can't tell you this
No
Your slowly slipping away
And it hurts
But I can't let down my wall

Why does this have to happen?
The word itself scares me
I can't even say it aloud
without feeling weird
without feeling awkward about it
Here I go
Depression
I am Depressed
yet again
Somehow it never seems to leave you
Its never left me anyway
I cant simply sit in a room
Feeling sad
Depressed
Fighting back that old feeling
Fighting back that old urge
To hurt myself
It's hard
I could just do it
No one would know
No one would ever notice
It takes away the pain
Just for a little while
What's the simplest way to end it
What hurts the least
I can't even enjoy being with my best friend anymore
I cant fully laugh without feeling pain
I can't smile without feeling hurt
I've sat in class almost in tears so many times
Because I just cant hold it back
I can't keep myself together for long
Without breaking down
It's hard
I want it to end
I want him
But he seems so far
True genuine happiness seems so out of reach

Why can't my happiness
Be as strong as a brick wall
Instead of being as strong as thin ice
One step and its broken

Dear fresh wound
Why did I let it happen again
How could I do this to myself again
Dear fresh wound
Sitting high on my thigh

Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn't it. You spend so much time building up this brick wall, this whole suit of armor so no one can hurt you then one day some stupid person comes along and slowly unbuilds this wall and you give them a piece of you they didn't even ask you to love them it just sort of happened because they were stupid and let you believe they cared, protected you from everything let you think you had a chance then one day they'll ignore you or forget you and it hurts like a splinter of glass being stabbed into your heart, it hurts not just in the mind or imagination but a soul-hurt a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love

You see what we show others
The outside
Not the inside
We don't show you what we feel
For each other
We keep that special for just me and him
You say you don't seem interested
In him
He doesn't seem interested in you
You don't even know
You don't know the messages
The touches
The looks
The smiles and the kind eyes
The beauty of it all
You have no idea
You don't even know
The half of it
**** out
You know nothing
You have no idea the emotions
Built up over time
You don't know how I feel
Because your not me
How would you know
Anything about it
It's different
You don't even know
You just see the outside

Safe travels bruh **

Enlighten me would you
On which part do I not understand
Do I not understand the shame of
walking out of your house scared of being judged
Honey I was scared to even get out of my car a couple months ago
To walk the grounds of school with the fear of being judged
I was scared because he wasn't there for a period or two
Because he had a meeting I had no protection
Do I not understand putting on a fake smile and wanting to cry 24/7
Honey I had depression since Year 5
You think I don't understand
Do I not understand feeling trapped and scared
I've been in my room and fallen to the ground
Felt like the room was spinning and closing in
Wanting to rip my hair out
Tears flooding down my face
Chest tight as
Couldn't breath
Hyperventilating having a panic attack
And I don't understand??
Enlighten me which part do I not understand??
Do I not understand being insecure?
I've been so insecure I couldn't even walk my own house without wearing makeup I couldn't even look at myself without wearing makeup.
Enlighten me would you