I can't sleep
The insomniac back
I want him
I have him
But not quite
He doesn't know I like him
Idk if he likes me
I'm stuck
Idk what to do
I'm upset
Fustrated
Sad
Angry
Messed up
Verge of tears
This fucken ****
*****
I hate this *******

Its kinda sad really
When you can feel
One of your favorite people
Slowly slipping away from you
It's not as exciting now when you talk to them
It doesn't make you that happy anymore
The little things they do
Its kinda sad really
When you can feel them
Slipping out of your reach
Off on their own journey
Without you

The way that one
Piece of hair
Falls on your forehead
When you don't have enough wax
In your hair
The way you straighten it
Everyday
Because you hate the curls
That I like
The way you get cold so easy
So you sit a little closer to me
Feel my warmth
Put your hand on my knee
Or on my arm
Your icy fingertips
Burning my skin
How you always hold
Onto my hand
Longer than you should
When you shake my hand
Or hi five me
And bend your fingers over
To hold my hand in yours
The way your eyes light up
When you laugh
Or smile at me
As I wake up
From sleeping in class
The way we both are drawn
To a stray cat
Walking down the pathway home
The way you grab my arm
Or put your hand on my knee
And ask if I'm okay
When I'm on the verge of tears
And tell me it's all going to be fine
When I get scared
And you put your arm around me
And run with me in your arms
Away from what we fear
The way you pull me off the road
So I don't get hit
The way your hand is pressed
Firmly on my back
Getting me away
From any bad situation
The way you care for me
My safety
My health
My feelings
Way more than I do myself
I don't really understand why
But oh how I'm grateful
You were that person
I always prayed for
That God would send me
Someone I could count on
Someone to protect me
Care for me
Understand me and my ways
And make me happy again

Mentally, it's painful

I loved you
Gave you everything I had
Let you in
Show'd you all my emotions
Told you everything
And now
You tell me this
You choose to tell me when I'm at my worst
Just to add to it all
Just to make it even worse
I should've saved it
Why didn't you tell me ages ago
I hate you for this
You don't even care for me
Like you used to
Did you even genuinely care before

I could look at you
For a single minute
And
Find a thousand things
That I love about you

Sitting on the steps outside
Middle of winter at 1am
Sick
Tears streaming
Heartbroken
Just take me

All I want right now
Is you
Right here
Lying beside me
In my bed
Sleeping innocently
The way we did at camp
The way you played with my hair
And stroked my arm with your thumb
Gently running it up and down
Feeling your breath on me
Your chin resting on my head
Listening to the steady heartbeat in your chest
Feeling safe in your arms
Genuinely happy
With the light flutter
Of butterflies
Moving in my stomach
The smile creeping in on my face
As you move your hand to my back
Pull up the back of my top
And gently rub my bare back
Your foot curled over mine
So even if you let me go
I could still feel you there
And be able to sleep
I want to go back to that time
All I want is you
Right here
Right now
With me
In your arms
Feeling your gentle touch
And listening to your heartbeat
Resting on your chest
I want you
I miss you
I need you

What even is it?
Is it a perfect smile
Long golden hair
Blue eyes with long eyelashes
Tan skin
Perfect figure
Big ****
Big *****
Clear skin
Pale skin?

That stuffs all *******
What's a beautiful face
Without a beautiful soul
An ugly personality
And dark soul
Destroys that beautiful face
It means nothing anymore

Beauty comes from within
Stop straining yourself
To look a certain way
You are you
God made you who you are
For a reason
Love yourself
Be confident

Safe travels bruh **

You burnt me
You've given me bruises
You've hurt me
So much it hurts to walk
You've strained me so much
I needed medical help

But I guess the best things in life hurt you the most
Food burns you
Exercise strains you
Sport bruise you
Shoes blister you

I don't really know
But I feel like
I'm slowly breaking
losing it all
Slowly breaking
Inside
Trying to hide it on the outside
You three people
Make me happy
Happier than I've ever been
But you can't seem to make me
Genuinely happy
anymore
I'm slowly breaking
And I don't know why
I'm scared
Falling
Breaking
Worried
Scared of falling back into that hole again
She screams but no words come out
She finds it hard to reach out for help
No matter how much they notice
That she's not okay
She won't even admit it to herself
Shes breaking
Slowly
Falling
She doesn't know what to do
Or how to even handle herself
She's been through it all before
She can't go back
Back to that hell
She stayed in for years
She's so scared
HELP
she screams but nothing but silence
escapes her lips

My life in its whole self
is completely flipped
completely different
brand spanking new
I prayed so hard for something
I never thought would come
I prayed so hard for a fresh start
Completely flip turned life
I was over the past
I hated it
It was filled with far too much grief
Eating disorders, depression
Anxiety, Insomnia, Broken Hearted,
Scared, everything seemed to just come back and haunt me
The one person I thought would be there forever
Never really cared as much as I thought
Never really gave as much as I would
But then somehow
Everything changed so quickly
I lived somewhere else
Found someone new
and wonderful
Found myself and owned it
Began to love myself from the love I was shown
From the people I managed to surround myself with
I prayed so hard back then for something to come
Someone to come
I didn't know what would come of it
But they were definitely answered
And thank goodness they were....
Because now...
Everything seems to be fitting in how it always should have...
But I guess we're all meant to go on a little adventure
called life,
And experience life without them
So now we can come together as one
and share our stories with each other
And appreciate them even more.

I want it back how it used to be
Back when I was happy
All the time
When I was happy to see you
When everything was dandy
Love was in the air
When I was okay again

I miss my childhood
When everything was so much easier
I wasn't scared to fall in love
I wasn't even scared to fall out of the tree
I fell of the fence enough times it felt normal
Normal to fall
But back then
I never got hurt from falling
Back then the hardest decision was what flavor ice cream i wanted at the bus depot with my dad
The worst thing that happened was my ice cream falling off the cone onto the floor
I miss the simplicity of things
The way I could play outside for hours and not get bored
When I used to play around on the street with my best friend riding our bikes til the street lamps came on and we knew to get our ***** home
I miss the old days
When life was simple
And I was oblivious to the horrors of this world
The bad things that actually happen
That there's more monsters than the imaginary ones under my bed
That I will end up falling but this time I'll probably get hurt
It wont be falling off the fence it will be falling in love
It won't be losing an ice cream
It will be losing a friend
A loved one

I had this best friend
As a little kid
She meant the world to me
We had been friends since babies
I thought we'd be friends forever
We don't really talk anymore
I had this other best friend
I met her when we were five
I spent everyday with her
Got into trouble with her
Our parents were best friends
We got poisoned together
By nightshade berries
We did everything together
And last year we started talking again
And now we're inseparable again
We do everything together
Get into trouble together
Sneak out late together
Cry together
Vent together
Rage together
Everything together
Adventure together
I've always wanted that kind of friendship
And I'm so blessed to have a friend like her
Soul sisters

I went to my church
Well Youth group tonight
And we went to this Worship
We all sang the worship songs
and tried to feel the presence
You probably don't care
But this was big for me
I felt the holy spirit
And I am fully
In belief of God
Right now
I felt the Holy Spirit
And started crying
which is normal
for some people
to cry when they feel it
And yeah :)

You're 1473 miles away
It kinda hurts
You're over there and im over here
I'm missing you and
I probably haven't even crossed your mind once
I'm sitting writing listening to twenty one pilots
And you're there listening to rap and thinking about dance
I want to talk to you but you don't seem to want to as well
I'm here I'm not great but you have no idea cause it's the one thing I can't seem to tell you
Please don't fall in love with someone new
Please don't meet some hot new girl over there
It'll hurt so badly
I'm afraid of losing you
I told you I missed you and the boys
And all you could say was "Lolz"
What does that even mean
Then you say you "gotta bounce"
But your online for another two hours
You don't care
I was fooled that you actually did
But now you've just been treating me like one of your boys
I'm confused
Are you actually worth it anymore
I'm starting to wonder

Dear the Old Me,
You're depressed
Why don't you seek help
You're afraid
You still in primary school
You have no idea
What depression even is
Or that its even a word
At this stage your 9 years old
And your depressed
You just don't really know it yet
You can't explain why your sad most days
Why you cry in your room everyday
Why you always hide under the bed
Hiding away from the world
Let's go forward to year 8
Your at intermediate
You've discovered depression
What it is
It explains everything
Things were worst than ever last year
You were alone
Scared
Depressed
Cried every single day
Felt unwanted
Year 9
You've started self harming yourself
It takes away the pain
Just a little bit
Helps you focus on something else
Just for a little while
Takes the weight off
Just for a little while
You want to die
You've almost gone through with it
Many many times
But you're scared
Put the scissors down
Put the string down
Put the knife down
It's going to be okay
Year 10
You're getting there ***
Things are getting better sweets
Trust me
You're getting better
Slowly
Painfully
Year 11
You're getting bullied
Being told your fake
Ugly
*****
****
But it's okay
You have people there for you this time
To support you
You couldn't be happier
You've met a guy
That you've never really noticed before
He's better than the rest
Witty, kind, quiet, intreging
Your childhood best friend is with you
She's right by your side too
Year 12
This guy now means the world to you
Your best friend and you are closer than ever
She's more your sister now
Things are okay
Average
You're getting bullied
It's starting again
*****, ****, fake
You get to school and your friend doesn't notice
How broken you are
Your best friend can tell right away
You can't stand it you breakdown
Go to class
That guy grabs your arm
Pulls you aside away from the terrors
Asks you what's wrong
You cry right in front of him
He doesn't mind at all
He pulls you close to him
Against his chest
Your making his shoulder wet with your tears
He doesn't mind
He looks after you all day
Keeping a close eye on you
You realise that day who your real friends are
Next day you get threatened
Your scared
He tells you he'll protect you
He does
He keeps you safe
Right now your 16
Have the best friend ever
Best guy in the world to protect you
Best friends ever
Happy family
And great things
Dear the Old Me
Things do get better
Way better
Hang in there love

Feelings aren't just like concrete blocks
You can break me
Manipulate me
Make it seem like it's all my fault
Punch my emotions
Like I'm a punching bag
But as soon as I'm done
Over this torture
I'm done
And you'll never hear from me again
If you want me to stay
Don't **** with my feelings
Don't punch my emotions
And please do not break me
For you see
I've already been broken
And it took me years to piece
Myself back together again
I had to find someone to help me
To be my bandaid
My rock
Without them I'd still be broken
And slowly drifting away
From everything I know
Slowly disintegrating
Into nothing
You see
I'm not like a concrete block
I can be broken
Like delicate china

So so so done
Pushed me away enough
Is that really what you want
I've tried and tried
But I can't do this any longer
I'm so so done










Sorry

I'm down
Hit the bottom
again
Nothing seems to be working out
right
Families fighting
People Distant
Alone
Down
"I'm Fine"
"I'm just tired"
"I'm okay"
"Just a bit cold"
I am tired
I am cold
I'm not fine though
I dont even know
What I am now
A hug from a friend
Well needed
Thankyou
You have no idea how much I needed it

Is it strange
To not worry so much
When I can feel myself drifting away from you
I don't seem to mind somehow
All that I've been put through
Kind of feels okay to be slowly drifting
.-.

Me: take me with yous hahaha jk
Him: yeah sure haha :)
Me: oh yay :p
Him: yay


Movies yay :) :)

I have honestly never met anyone so wonderful in my life,
I used to talk all the time how I would long for my childhood back...
And now it definitely feels like I have it
With you I feel like a little girl again running around the house with you
Tickle fights
You joking being mean to me and I run away
But you still manage to catch me everytime
Cause I'll always give into you
You've always just been there since year 5 in school just always there
in the background of my life and its so crazy!!
You were just there the whole time and I had no idea
that you out of everyone would mean this much to my heart

Why
Why is it
So hard
To simply
Express your
Emotions
Your feelings
About someone
Special
Someone
You care dearly for
Why is it so hard
To simply say
I like you
Why is it so scary
Why is
The fear of rejection
So empowering over us

Head thumping
Stomach in pain
Chest pressure
Arms weak
Heart on my sleeve
Opened up
Silly idea
Stupid girl
You let your wall down
Slowly let them
Take it down
Brick by Brick
How silly of you
To trust someone
To hold your heart in their hands
To hold a gun to your head
And trust them to not pull the trigger
Silly Girl
Head Thumping
Stomach in Pain
Chest pressure
Arms Weak
Brick wall
Building up again
About to
Explode

I feel
Hurt
Scared
Confused
Loved
Hated
Annoyed
Sad
Happy
Angry
*******
Upset
Down
Unwanted
Not Good enough
All in one
And all together
Makes me feel
More Upset
And Sad
Than anything

Dear fresh wound
Why did I let it happen again
How could I do this to myself again
Dear fresh wound
Sitting high on my thigh

I'm done

Grow some *****
You little *****
Be straight up
*******
Grow a ******* pair
Stop making a big deal
Out of nothing
I was upset
And you didn't even care
Didn't give a ****
Cool dude
Thanks for fucken nothing
**** boy
Get ******

You were there for me through my worst moments you hugged me when I needed it most you let me cry and sleep on your shoulder and you wouldn't let me sleep feeling alone and sad til you made sure I was okay again you wouldn't sleep yourself til you had made sure I was home safe you were protective of other people hurting me and said you'd never let them get to me as long as you were there you said you'd always have my back and to tell you if anything ever happened and you'd be there we used to tell each other everything now it's nothing now it's just small talk no more DMC'S no more deep late night conspiracy theory talks about aliens and the world I miss that a lot

I want you and your sleepy cuddles at 4AM sleeping next to me while I'm asleep in your jumper holding onto you with my head on your chest as you play gently with my hair to help me fall asleep again

**** this
**** that
People are slowly growing apart from me
I can see it
Is it because I'm not doing anything to stop it
Or are they purposely moving on
My best friend is being taken away
My first love hardly talks to me anymore
My boys I don't much talk to
I miss them
v.v
I'm upset with it all
This *****
I don't really want to be here anymore

Fling yourself off a bridge
Funny you should say that
I was thinking the exact same thing
last night
Thinking it would be easy
Maybe someone walking past would notice and help me
They'd bump into me and i'd fall
Maybe even die on the way down
Before I crashed into the river
Along with the rest of them
Or maybe someone would see me
and stop me
Actually realise how bad it is
And hold me in their arms
And say its going to be okay
Funny you should say that
Cause I was thinking the exact same thing

I'm Fustrated
At myself
Mostly
In you
A little
I want to tell you
I like you
A lot
A **** load
Okay
Like yeah
But
I can't
I'm fucken scared
Scared it'll ruin what we have
Already
Fucken scared
It'll ruin our friendship
What do I do

I practically tell you
How I feel
Without
Exactly telling you
I say goodnight
You say no
You don't let me go
You carry on talking to me
You don't want to end it there
Twenty minutes later
You say okay
I better let you go now
Goodnight

Thankyou
So fucken much
I went to a party
And only had one drink
Everyone was drunk
I got hit on
Followed
I told him
He made sure I was okay
He had a huge day the next day
That he needed a lot of sleep for
But stayed awake
Just to make sure I got home safely
I don't know why he cares for me so much
But I can't explain how grateful I am
Goodnight :)

Sitting watching
the play today
Things seemed
Almost
Perfect

A good friend on my right
Laughing her silly laugh
Pulling faces
Leaning against me
Laughing uncontrollably
Loud and high pitched

Him
On my left
Sitting as close as possible
Feeling his breath on my arm
Ice cold fingers
Piercing my skin
Leg pressed against mine
Hearing his soft laughter in my ear
And his stupidly funny
Witty comments

Sitting
Laughing
Watching
Peacefully
With some of my
Favourite people
Surrounding me
Together
In harmony
Enjoying the show

You have no idea do you
I may be in love with you
And no matter how hard I try
To push that away
To block out all those feelings for you
To move on to some other man
That would love me so much
I just can't seem to
No matter how hard I try
I just can't
Your always in the back of my mind
Reminding me of what we had
The beauty of it
The first time you hugged me
The first time you held my hand
When we fell asleep together cuddling
When you scared me only to hug me and keep me safe
The first time you saw me cry
You just held me and said it would all be alright
The first time we walked home just you and I
The first time I leaned my head on your shoulder
The first time you helped me dance
I felt alive you brought me back to life
You made me feel free genuinely happy
Genuinely safe
And it hurts
**** it hurts so so fucken much
To think what we had then
Is nothing now
I want to cry so much
It hurts so badly
You weren't even really an ex
But maybe your were an ex maybe
An ex something
An ex possibly
It felt like we were dating
You held my hand
You let me sleep on your chest cuddling me tightly
You told me to stay safe
You told me you had my back
You held my in your arms and kept me safe
You watched me cry and held me
You told me you'd never let anyone hurt me that as long as you were there I'd be safe
But here you are hurting me yourself your there I'm hurting so much and you have no idea
How much I love you

I
am
Depressed
I am
and I feel down a lot
I don't even know why
but I do
but when he's there
somehow everything seems to be okay
somehow he makes everything okay again
somehow his presence makes me feel safe
makes me feel happy again
and thats why!!!
THAT IS WHY!!!
that is why i can't let go
that is why I just can't let him slip away
why i will never give up on him
why I will defend him over anyone
he's the only one that has been there for me through everything
helped me through everything
always made time for me
even when he was super busy
I can't let him go
not now
not ever
I
I just can't
He means everything
And
he is the only one that makes everything seem okay again
he makes me happy
genuinely happy
safe
and smiley
like nothing is ever wrong
he makes every bad feeling go away
And I can't just let that go
I can't
it would be like letting my happiness go
He makes me happy
Genuinely Happy

You
Yes you
You confuse the **** out of me
I love you
But
Seriously
What??

How is it even possible
For someone to be
Remotely as great
As you are
To me
How is it even possible
To have all of that
Talent
Looks
Genuinity
Protectiveness
Love
Humour
Care
Wisdom
Warmth
Touch
All in one person
How do you do it
How is it even possible
For you to be all that
In one person
From the beaming white smile
To the comforting hugs
And comforting touch of the knee
To the way you move to music
From the words of wisdom
To the quick wit
From the protective caring type
To the joking around laughing type
How is it possible
For all of that
To be in one package
To be mine
I really don't know

You told me
You'd never let anyone hurt me
But here you are
Hurting me
And you don't even realise it

I'm sorry
For feeling like this
I'm sorry for having a loving heart
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you're so easy to love
I'm sorry you're so easy to fall for
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry for falling for you
I'm so sorry for wanting you how you don't want me
I'm sorry

I can't seem to
Tell you how I feel
But it hurts how much I care for you
I've never been so afraid of losing one person
In my entire life
You mean the entire world to me
Everything you've done
Makes me feel more for you
Everyday
And when your gone
It's as if a lot is missing
Half of me is gone
As they say absence
makes the heart grow stronger
And they're right you know
Because God did I miss you

So many people
Asked me today
Are you okay bro?
Are you alright?
What's wrong?
Truth is idk if I am okay
I don't think I am
But then again
I don't exactly know why I'm so sad either