i'm staring at the iv bag
praying it would just
empty faster but i know
that'll do no good and
it'll take at least another
two or three hours and
you're sitting in what
looks to be the most
uncomfortable chair
in the world and i
invite you to lay on
the most uncomfortable
hospital bed in the world
with me but you said you
didn't want to take up too
much space and crush me
but to be honest i don't
think i'd mind being
smothered by you
i'd still love you

when you're young you
hear all the stories about
the monsters under your
bed or in your closet or
hiding in the shadows
but no one ever bothers
to tell you about the ones
hiding in beautiful eyes
and unforgettable smiles

my birthday is coming up
faster than ever and i've
been waiting for you to ask
me what i want or do i
feel older yet or what i'm
going to do but you
haven't said a word and i
guess i'm just getting
used to that

today i thought
of you
and i didn't flinch
my heart didn't
beat any faster
my mind didn't
race
i'm getting along
without you

i couldn't tell you when
i last smiled and i have
no clue when i laughed
genuinely but i can tell
you about all the nights
i held the pills in my
hand, ready to swallow
every last one and i can
remember exactly how
it felt to know i'm not
even strong enough
to finally set myself
free

i'm trying to keep
my head above the
water but the waves
you've been creating
are brutal and i don't
know how to swim

i think i'm forgetting
how to talk i'm losing
my words in all of the
tears and blood and its
getting a little harder to
stand up without falling
over i don't know if i can
be saved at this point but
it would be nice if someone
tried to pull me above water

i'm trying to forget
how it felt when you
ran your fingertips
across my skin and
the sound you made
when i kissed your
collarbones but god
i can't help it i can't
erase you from my
mind and you know
i'd still drink your
******* bathwater

it's 3am and i can't seem
to shake the thought of
you braiding flowers into
someone else's hair

you always asked me
why i sleep so much
but the truth is i don't
get more than a few
hours of sleep
i lay awake all night
waiting for someone
to notice i'm alone and
i'm scared and i can't
seem to find a reason
to live
i wanted you to notice
i was dropping hints
i was leaving clues
i was waiting

it's late and everyone's
asleep but i slept until
5pm
lately i've been sleeping
all day to avoid thinking
about you but *******
these nights get so lonely
and i'm so cold
please tell me why you're
doing this stop telling me
your blood's on my hands
you're ******* killing me
here

my nail polish is chipped
and my knees are bruised
and my eyes have dark
circles and i don't smile
often and getting out of
bed everyday is almost
painful and i miss too
many people at night
and i stutter when i'm
nervous but at least i'm
not dead yet i guess

it's been a few hours
and a few drinks
i miss you

i laugh at everything and
i talk about my emotions
so freely and i'm open to
everyone i meet but i'm
so scared and i can't even
force myself to get close
anymore
i can't believe i let this
happen
when did it get so bad

lately i've been doing more
staring at the pages than
actually reading
and i've been doing more
smoking than quitting
and i've been doing more
laying in bed wishing i was
anywhere else than sleeping
and i've been doing more
binge drinking than trying
to sober up
but mostly i've been doing
more missing you than
forgetting you and that might
be the biggest problem here

you are so important
to me i need you like
a fish needs water i
just wish i wasn't so
******* disposable

if i could i would
turn everything
around in a second
but i cannot so i
will lay in bed and
hope tomorrow
will be better than
every yesterday

do you know that feeling?
where you can't really
place what's wrong and you
can't really explain what's
happening around you but
you know you don't feel
alright and it's like you're
slipping away under the ice
and no one's trying to break
through?
do you? do you know?

it's one of those nights
again where i can feel
my chest tightening up
at the thought of you
and my eyes are burning
fighting the tears that
you once promised to
never cause

i know you were just
kidding around when
you asked me to be
your girlfriend and i
know you were just
kidding when you
would tell people i'm
all yours and i know
you were just kidding
when you said you'd
love me forever if i did
this or that for you but
oh my god i wish you
weren't

it's cold all the time
now and it's even
colder when i'm all
alone but i'm working
on warming up and
i'm working on
getting close and i'm
working on fixing
myself

i was so sure i was better
but then you came back
around and you knocked
the air out of my lungs
with every little kiss and
every random embrace
you built me up and tore
me back down again i
was hoping you would
say "just kidding" and
come over out of nowhere
like you always did but
i know you don't care so
much anymore but god
i still do and i'm so sorry

there's nothing beautifully
tragic about wanting to slit
your wrist open and drown
in your own blood
there's no one to wipe away
your tears and sing you a
lullaby while you fall asleep
in their arms
there's not going to be some
sort of miracle person that
will burst into your life and
take away all of the tragedy
and pain
you have to do it yourself
you have to pick yourself up
brush off your knees
save yourself

you called
me so many
names i could
barely keep track
but i did and i can't
help but wonder how
i let you hurt me so often
or how i managed to stay sane

i was walking for miles
and you asked me why
i was out so late
it was freezing cold and
the rain was picking up
i thought no one would
notice me but you did
you picked me up and
asked me where i was
going and why i wasn't
home and if i knew how
to make a fire without a
lighter or matches
you made sure there
wasn't a moment of silence
during the whole car ride
and i never noticed you were
driving me home until you
pulled into my drive way
i asked you how you knew
where i lived and you said
remember that time in
elementary school you
invited me over after school
because you heard my mom
left us?
i said yes, i didn't say i
thought about it for years
wondering if you remembered
how when you were going
home that night i told you i
loved you

you offered me food and
got angry at me for declining
and you thought you were
helping by forcing me to
eat in public places and
laughing when i couldn't
and you thought you were
a riot when you were
making hundreds of
weight jokes but truth
be told i was never worse
than when i endured the
months of torture i did
when i called myself
*yours

you can't call me at
4am and expect me
to apologize for all
of your mistakes and
you can't tell me what
to do all of the time
and call that love and
you can't question my
every move  and say
that it's all my fault and
you can't control me
anymore

i don't know what to do
i've forced myself to hide
from commitment and
push away the thought
of love and i can't even
make myself feel worthy
of a relationship anymore
god help me i wish i could
fix what i've done but the
damage is too great

it's almost like some
kind of terrible joke
like
you are paper
i am glue
i'm so *******
stuck on you

you won't be expecting it
and you probably won't
even want it but it'll hit
you like baseball bat to
the shin and you won't
be able to get back up
for a bit and it'll hurt
like hell and it'll leave
it's mark on you for a
while but everything
fades eventually
and that is love

you never understood why
i always wanted to stay in
every night and neither did
i but you forced me to go out
and expected me to be grateful
but you were hurting me and
i couldn't breathe and i tried
to tell you over and over it's
not helping but you never
listened and now you're angry
with me for cutting off the one
person that never really wanted
me to get better

it's almost funny how as soon
as i think i've got something
good it gets torn out of my
life and i'm reminded that
nothing is permanent

i always think the worst of
any situation and i always
think you're ignoring me
and i always think you
don't want to talk to
me anymore and i
always think you
hate me and i
always think
think think
think thi

they'll say you're too
young and you have
no experience and you
don't know what you're
doing and it's impossible
at your age but *******
it you know what you
feel and you're not about
to let that go for anyone or
anything and that's all that
matters

i'm so sorry i can't
believe you when
you say all of those
nice things
they fall from your
mouth effortlessly
and i get weak in
the knees
i want so terribly
to trust in all of
your pretty words
but you'll have to
forgive my unsure
heart and wary
mind
others weren't so kind

i was trying so hard and
put everything on the
line just to see you
i did everything i could to
build you up while you
were too busy tearing
me down to notice
but now that i've given up
you want to see me more
than ever and you need
me in your life?
i refuse to be a doll
sitting on a shelf
in the back of
your mind

my body is torn not exactly
down the middle but ****
near it and god these veins
are trying so hard to keep me
from falling to pieces have
you even noticed? if you had
i doubt you would care why
won't you care about me?
better yet, why won't you
admit you don't.

i'm so tired all of the time
and my bones are aching
and my joints are screaming
and my mind is begging for
rest
but all i can do for now is
hope i can get a few minutes
of sleep before you decide to
creep back into my mind and
keep me up for a few more days
maybe even a week
i can't keep doing this to myself
and am i really doing it or are
you still controlling me from so
far away?

you shoved flowers in
my ears and told me
to listen closely as
though forcing
the good in
will efface
the bad