i've seen you missing
her and her missing you
and i feel like i'm in the way
of something better but i can't
make myself leave you're under
my skin

i feel so stupid i get sad over the
dumbest **** but ******* it i
wish i didn't have to feel like
some kind of ***** secret i
want to know why what
other people say matters
so much i want to know
you're proud of me i want
to feel important to you
i'm so tired of feeling
like i have to hide for
you to like me

it's almost 4am now and i keep
having small flashbacks to the
first time we hung out and how
you kept saying you were sorry
for where we ended up but i didn't
care i was just happy you were around
i've never wanted someone to stay
so terribly my entire life and that
day still makes me smile

it's late at night it's
the middle of the day
it's early in the morning
it's all evening it's every time
i'm alone it's when i try to
hangout with other
people it's when
you're busy
i miss you

if a train is going 95 on the
tracks and has to slow down
to 65 on the turns how long
would it take for the train to
push the thoughts of you
out of my head

i can't control
my emotions but
**** it they
******* control me

i hate this feeling
like i'm never good
enough or kind enough
or assertive enough or
positive enough or
smart enough or
creative enough or
just enough in general
i feel disposable and
replaceable and
the worst is when i
realize these aren't just
thoughts they're
reality

i miss movie nights in
your apartment i miss
being the one for you
i miss sleepovers and
waking up to your cat
i miss feeling like we're
the last two you built
me up and made me
love i wish i was still
the one

missing you is like watching
the tide draw back and waiting
for it to return to nip at my
ankles but never again feeling the
relaxing touch of the water

i understand everyone
gets sad at one point or
another but god when
does it ******* end

the late night rides in your
car and the mornings you
made me breakfast in your
bed and rearranging your
entire apartment just so we
wouldn't think about the bad
times and the moments you
almost said you loved me
by mistake and the evenings
spent laying on your couch
watching terrible movies on
netflix and the time we spent
that'll never be the same

it'll be a few days before
my body will ache for
your touch again and my
mind will scream for
your kind words to fill it
once more but i'll pull
through without you

you could tell me you
love me a million times
but without sincerity
it only feels like you're
choking me with
barbed wire

you could search for
the reasons your entire
life but truth be told
you're ****** up and
that's all there is to it
beautiful or not you
are a walking tragedy
there's nothing more
disappointing than
waking up on accident
taking all the pills that
should have killed you
but couldn't get the job
done this really *****

in your car going 80 on
the highway weaving
between cars you sang
along to your favourite
songs and talked and
yelled and i never
thought one person
could be so beautiful
but there you were
next to me working
your way into my
heart i hate you

with an old record neither
of us ever remembered
buying playing in the
background and your
hands around my throat
i finally felt your love

staying up all night
getting high to forget my problems
judging everyone i see
watching too many movies
ignoring everyone
constantly overthinking
drinking until i pass out
sleeping all day
paying bills late
biting my nails
screaming into pillows
missing old friends
smoking
overdrafting
not taking any advice
avoiding social opportunities
pocketing candy at the market

it's hard to look in the mirror
some days and sometimes it
gets too hard to connect with
people and i just can't force
myself to be interested
it feels like there's a blanket
covering me and it's comfortable
but i can't see anything and it's
getting hard to breathe and i'm
starting to miss the fresh air and
the people that care
i keep trying to crawl out from
under this small fortress but it
won't move so i guess i can't either
and i'm getting scared
i miss talking to my mom about
the sunny days and listening to
my sister ramble on about things
that happened at school
and it's messed up but most of all
i miss the way you would come home
and you'd be angry about work so
you'd rant for hours about how you
can't believe people are so stupid or
you wish you didn't have to sit at
that computer all day
i only wanted to help you and take
the stress away but you always
shunned me and pushed me away
like i was some kind of stranger
breaking into your home
you broke into my heart and left
a terrible mess then you left me
alone to clean it up but there's
blood on the walls and bits
of you in everything i do
i don't think this is going to work

you asked me where the
little raised lines came
from and i told you
when i was little i
fell a lot but i lied
and i know you
know it
i'm just not ready to
admit to you i am
weak and fragile
i still can't fend off the
sadness and i still miss
people i shouldn't but
i haven't let the razor
touch my skin in
months and that's
got to count for
something

it was nice of you to
say you loved me but
it would have been
nicer if you meant it
it was kind of you to
tell me you cared but
it would have been
kinder if you had been
there when i needed you
it was sweet of you to
say i was yours but
it would have been sweeter
if you had kept me

it's easier on my
stomach to drink
until i can't remember
my name anymore than
to think about you and her

i've been slipping in and out
of consciousness and i wish
i could pick one because this
back and forth is almost as
terrible as what you did to me

i've been missing you lately but
more so i've been wondering if
you've been missing me as well

i've been watching those crime
shows where they figure out
who killed who and i almost
related to them except i know
it's you who's killing me

everything's gone to hell but
i'm still clinging on to the hope
that i will wake up one morning,
finally feeling at peace,
and turn everything around.
but, until then, i'm muddling
through the storms and
crawling through the barbed
wires and that's okay with
me because i know this, like
everything else, will pass.
in time.

the woman in white will tell you
"you shouldn't be doing that" and
she'll give you a slap on your other
wrist as not to stain her gown and
you'll look at her and then at the
man in grey and he'll wink and tell
you it's okay and that she's not upset
and he'll encourage you to do it again
so you will because you don't know
why but you want to impress him and
defy her so you keep going and ignore
the woman and slowly pull away from
the man because you want to be on your
own now and then you're alone and you're
playing that risky game again but the blood's
coming out too fast this time and you can't
stop it on your own and you can't find
those old friends anywhere and you're
completely alone now and you know
it's your fault but you're still looking
for someone else to blame or help or
hold on to but this is it this is the ending
you thought for so long you wanted and
it's beautiful and it's ugly and you hate it
and you miss the slaps on the wrist because
she cared and you hate the wink and smile
because he made you this way but he didn't
because you did this and you're dizzy now
and everything's getting fuzzy and you
can't get up and she comes back not to
slap your wrist but to tell you to go home
with her and you do and it's peaceful
you're finally happy and that was all it took

recently i've been falling apart
more often than not and i've
been saying i'm fine when i
feel like i'm slowly but surely
deteriorating and i've been
telling people i'm better even
though i know that's a lie but
maybe if i say it enough i'll
start to believe it
god i hope so