somehow "best friends
forever" turned into
"best friends until
high school's
over"

it was nice of you to
say you loved me but
it would have been
nicer if you meant it
it was kind of you to
tell me you cared but
it would have been
kinder if you had been
there when i needed you
it was sweet of you to
say i was yours but
it would have been sweeter
if you had kept me

staying up all night
getting high to forget my problems
judging everyone i see
watching too many movies
ignoring everyone
constantly overthinking
drinking until i pass out
sleeping all day
paying bills late
biting my nails
screaming into pillows
missing old friends
smoking
overdrafting
not taking any advice
avoiding social opportunities
pocketing candy at the market

if a train is going 95 on the
tracks and has to slow down
to 65 on the turns how long
would it take for the train to
push the thoughts of you
out of my head

you could search for
the reasons your entire
life but truth be told
you're ****** up and
that's all there is to it
beautiful or not you
are a walking tragedy
there's nothing more
disappointing than
waking up on accident
taking all the pills that
should have killed you
but couldn't get the job
done this really *****

everything's gone to hell but
i'm still clinging on to the hope
that i will wake up one morning,
finally feeling at peace,
and turn everything around.
but, until then, i'm muddling
through the storms and
crawling through the barbed
wires and that's okay with
me because i know this, like
everything else, will pass.
in time.

i hate this feeling
like i'm never good
enough or kind enough
or assertive enough or
positive enough or
smart enough or
creative enough or
just enough in general
i feel disposable and
replaceable and
the worst is when i
realize these aren't just
thoughts they're
reality

i feel so stupid i get sad over the
dumbest **** but ******* it i
wish i didn't have to feel like
some kind of ***** secret i
want to know why what
other people say matters
so much i want to know
you're proud of me i want
to feel important to you
i'm so tired of feeling
like i have to hide for
you to like me

i've seen you missing
her and her missing you
and i feel like i'm in the way
of something better but i can't
make myself leave you're under
my skin

i've been slipping in and out
of consciousness and i wish
i could pick one because this
back and forth is almost as
terrible as what you did to me

missing you is like watching
the tide draw back and waiting
for it to return to nip at my
ankles but never again feeling the
relaxing touch of the water

the woman in white will tell you
"you shouldn't be doing that" and
she'll give you a slap on your other
wrist as not to stain her gown and
you'll look at her and then at the
man in grey and he'll wink and tell
you it's okay and that she's not upset
and he'll encourage you to do it again
so you will because you don't know
why but you want to impress him and
defy her so you keep going and ignore
the woman and slowly pull away from
the man because you want to be on your
own now and then you're alone and you're
playing that risky game again but the blood's
coming out too fast this time and you can't
stop it on your own and you can't find
those old friends anywhere and you're
completely alone now and you know
it's your fault but you're still looking
for someone else to blame or help or
hold on to but this is it this is the ending
you thought for so long you wanted and
it's beautiful and it's ugly and you hate it
and you miss the slaps on the wrist because
she cared and you hate the wink and smile
because he made you this way but he didn't
because you did this and you're dizzy now
and everything's getting fuzzy and you
can't get up and she comes back not to
slap your wrist but to tell you to go home
with her and you do and it's peaceful
you're finally happy and that was all it took