I breathe you in
like smoke.
You settle in my lungs,
my veins,
my soul.
I touch you
and I see things
no one else has seen.
You raise your feathered wings
and wrap me
in ecstasy.
You wipe away the rust
that covers me
from years spent living
in my own rain.
Every kiss is never
enough.
Every look is always too
short.
You've brought down the Heavens
and made a home for just us.
I pick the feathers from my hair
and make a crown fit for a Queen.
I will spend the rest of my life
learning to fly
by your side.

There have been theories
about the end of the world.
A giant fireball from the sky,
natural disasters,
a mutant virus.
But the truth is far worse
for I have seen it.
It's going to happen when
you awake one morning,
the warm, comforting body
that is usually next to you,
gone.
In their place, a note.
"I don't love you anymore.
I'm sorry"
It'll happen when
she takes her last breath,
the hand you've been desperately
clutching to
loosening in your grip.
When his mother calls you
at 3 a.m., crying,
and tells you that she found her baby,
your best friend,
lying on the red bathroom floor.
It'll take you a minute because
you know that that floor
is white.
This is how the world ends,
neither with a bang or a whisper.

I cannot recall how many days since we've met
But this is the first thing I've ever written about you.
So if you ever come to read it,
You'll know that I think about you every day
And I still can't seem to get out
Exactly how I feel about you
Because my vocabulary does not contain
That many positive words

- R. H.

When I met him,
he was two years younger
and at least twice as thin.
I wanted so badly what
I couldn't have.
The first time he kissed me,
I thought maybe I was wrong.
Why couldn't it have stopped at
kissing?
He wanted to touch me,
to run his hands over my skin.
He understood when I told him "no",
but he didn't get it.
I loved him,
and I was terrified to be seen by him.
Underneath my clothes is not
a skinny girl, like maybe
he expected to find.
God, do I love him,
so I will not let him love me.

I have met people who have merely been band-aids
to every part of me that was broken.
Then I met you
and your words were like a needle and thread.
While I may not heal perfectly, I was healing.
You haven't spoken to me in days and
those stitches have been ripped out before
my wounds were completely bearable.
You know I only wanted you to be happy.
I thought you wanted the same for me.

This is my white flag and
I surrender with every ounce of me.
I refuse to fight you anymore;
this battle cannot be won.
Because this war in my mind
is never ending
and I am the only soldier left standing.
I am certain that the smoke will never clear
and I have become terrified of what
has made it's home within it.
Please, do not send help,
I've given up on my own terms
and I will lose graciously.

- R. H.

Do not cry
You'll ruin your make-up

I am 16
And I have found love in a
boy who is 5 years older than me.
He tells me he loves me and I
lose myself in him.
He breaks my heart, twice.
We still keep in touch.

I am 20
I have found love in a girl
with curly blonde hair and eyes
like the sea. She holds my hand
and sings to me, kisses my forehead.
We haven't spoken in a year.

I am 21
I think I have found love.
He doesn't acknowledge what we
are in public and he thinks insulting
me is funny. He kisses me like he loves me
though, so I tell myself it's enough.
He moved miles away; I think he was
just as lonely as I was.

I am 22*
She's the one. Her hair is never
the same color and sometimes
she laughs too loud. She has scars
that she regrets, but she's doing
everything she can to keep going.
She is me, and I am in love.

Fat.
The word falls from your lips
like venom.
I know your throat burns every time
you say it.
I see the tears you try to brush off.
Fat.
Because what could be worse, right?
You could be mean,
or selfish,
or violent.
But no, you had to be
Fat.
If only you knew the years I've spent
learning to love every single inch of me,
teaching myself that "fat" is not a
curse word.
Years spent undoing long nights
that I've stayed awake,
sobbing,
praying to every god I knew
that I could wake up and be
skinny.
You tell me I am beautiful.
You promise me
that you have eyes for
no one else.
But I know your eyes lust for
thin.

Most people are afraid of
spiders, clowns, thunderstorms;
the usual.
But if you asked me
what my greatest fear is,
I would speak of nothing
but your name.
Because what would I do,
who would I be,
should one day
you decide that you're
over me?

I’m sorry if

My words aren’t always

Honey and lavender

Most days they’re burnt

And the scent of smoke

Hugs them like a worn coat

- R. H.

Drowning wouldn't be
awful. Holding your breath,
trying to stay alive - that's the
killer. But after that? Darkness,
silence. Calm. Peaceful actually.
Not so bad.

Burning. Just a warm hug.
A warm hug that doesn't want
to stop hugging. Imagine something
loving you that much?

How about a bullet?
Straight into the bullseye
you've painted on
your head. So quick.
Less painful than the life
that you're convinced you're
not really living. Messy though.

I still chose life.
I will always choose
to keep living.

The first time I said the words
"I love you",
was not the first time I told you I loved you.
The very first time
was when you had come home from work.
I didn't hear from you
for a couple of hours.
Not entirely unusual, but you know me,
I'm a worrier.
You finally texted me and after a brief exchange of words,
you asked me to call you.
Of course I did without hesitation; calling you had become
my favorite part of every day.
You told me you had been crying.
Really crying.
I remember the feeling in my stomach,
the immediate urge to run to where
you were,
to wage a war against whatever it was
that had caused you that much pain.
To hold you.
Verbally, I've never been good with words.
I wanted to say so much.
I could have said it then.
After a drawn out pause, I told you
"I want to take care of you".
Maybe you knew,
maybe you didn't.
I think my heart knew before I did
that I loved you.
But I meant it then, more than anything.
Still do.

It's funny because
I loved you and
you always told me that
you loved me too,
but now it's her house you show up
unannounced at, just to surprise her.
So now I'm sitting here laughing
because I've realized that I am the
punchline to your favorite joke.

- R.H.

I'm so sorry if
most of this
doesn't come out
how I want it to.
But it's almost been a year
and I so need you to hear
what I'm feeling,
so here goes nothing.
You know you're always in my head
and I could always go to church,
but you deserve my confession instead.
I never want another pair of hands to hold me
like you hold me.
And I don't ever want to laugh
the way I do with with you
with someone new.
I want the stupid fights
and sleepless nights
where we just stay up talking about nothing,
because to me that's everything.
Because to me, you are everything.
I want to share your bed
where we can both share what's in our head.
And make a home that's just for us,
God I need you to hear all this because
I love you more than anything
and no matter what tomorrow brings,
I'll still love you
more than anything.

I'm sorry that everything I've got left to offer
is either burnt or broken. But something inside me
has rotted away and the taste is now boiling up
and out of my mouth. Dripping off my tongue is
nothing but sadness and anger. I know the flowers
that were once woven into my teeth have withered
and died. An ugly thing has me wrapped tightly
in its arms and when I look at my reflection, I can
no longer tell the difference between the two of us.
Please forgive the fact that I can only curse coherently now;
it seems to be the only thing I can stomach.

It's four in the afternoon
and
I have been drunk for two days.
I was hoping that
maybe
with blurred vision, I wouldn't have to
see your face in my
head.
Now, I cannot tell if this
nausea
is a side effect of the ***** or of
you.

- R. H.

I was so happy,
so high.
And just as I looked down,
I remembered my fear of heights
and I forgot how to land.

My heart'll be the warmest bed you'll ever lie in

You find that breathing
becomes impossible,
so you open your skin.
You distract yourself
from the ache that you
can't quite pinpoint, but
feel everywhere.
I know, I've been there too.
What I wouldn't give
to be able to take your hands
in mine, soothe the pain
we've both felt.
To wrap you in light when
all you beg for is dark.
This love I now carry
was saved for someone
like you, and how I'd
love to be the one to
save you.

When I’m sober I’m
so good,
so high on myself.
I talk to my friends and
I love that they love me
just the way I am.
But right now I’m drunk
and I’m falling in love
with all my exes,
all the people who are
poisonous.
I need validation
so I text boys who
I know will get off
on my words, on the
pictures I send them.
I have a whole list of their numbers
for nights like these.
I don’t even know
if they’d recognize me
in the morning.
I don’t even recognize myself
as I delete messages,
words, feelings.
No one will ever know
all the things I crave
if they don’t know me
sober.

If you think for one second that
I will let you back in,
just remember that everybody you meet
is not meant to stay.
And I thank God for that
because I will no longer take your
words that leave scars in my skin.
I refuse to be the villain of your story
that you are so convinced I am.
I have watched you burn down and you
can clear the wreckage on your own.
My structure will not falter
in your wake.

- R. H.

I count kisses in time with your heartbeat
thump thump
and I wonder if you notice the
slight uptick in mine,
every time you lean forward.
Isn't it nice how the simplest things
can make you feel so...
alive?

-R.H.

The first time
you said you loved
me, it was as if
I had been pulled aboard
a life raft after being
lost at sea. But
I see now that this
raft is littered with
holes and
we are sinking, but
you are convinced
that your love is a
teacup to scoop out
the water pooling around
my ankles and you will save
us, but the teacup has a crack
down one side and
do you see where I
am going with this?
A tablespoon of water
will never put out
a forest fire; I am burning
through acres.