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Bec Feb 20
I'm so sorry if
most of this
doesn't come out
how I want it to.
But it's almost been a year
and I so need you to hear
what I'm feeling,
so here goes nothing.
You know you're always in my head
and I could always go to church,
but you deserve my confession instead.
I never want another pair of hands to hold me
like you hold me.
And I don't ever want to laugh
the way I do with with you
with someone new.
I want the stupid fights
and sleepless nights
where we just stay up talking about nothing,
because to me that's everything.
Because to me, you are everything.
I want to share your bed
where we can both share what's in our head.
And make a home that's just for us,
God I need you to hear all this because
I love you more than anything
and no matter what tomorrow brings,
I'll still love you
more than anything.
Bec Feb 16
Lucky in love was never something
I considered myself,
before you.
Even when I spent two years
engaged to someone
who I thought was "the one".
Even when I swore I
couldn't live without
my first boyfriend.
And then came you.
Suddenly, everyone I thought I
had ever loved just
Because there you were,
making something click in
my heart.
A switch turning on a spotlight.
A sigh of relief.
It was just you,
exactly how you are.
Somehow I think it was
always you.
Bec Dec 2020
If I were a poet,
I could eloquently tell you
just how much
you mean to me.
Not with big, fancy words,
but beautiful ones,
the kind that would
perfectly describe you.
If I were a poet,
I could publish your worth.
Late night coffee shop walls
would sing their love for you,
and strangers would bond
over your perfection.
If I were a poet,
the world would see you
exactly as I see you,
and I'll fall in love
over and over again,
as many times
as you're read.
Dec 2020 · 121
Bec Dec 2020
I used to be stupid.
I would cash in my
pride like arcade tickets,
only able to pick from
the cheapest of prizes.
Selling my dignity on the weekends
like a reoccurring flea market.
Never made a dime and
more was taken
than I ever had
to offer, but ****,
I sure had his attention
so I figured I'd stay broke.
It wasn't until after I
had become his preferred
choice of currency
that I realized how
broke I was.
But you can't take somebody
to court and demand they
return what they stole
from you
when you know the judge
won't find any evidence.
I stayed silent
when my case was thrown out
and my request for a
restraining order against my feelings
was denied.
So **** it, I fired my lawyer
and defended myself.
I never needed a courtroom
to settle things anyway.
It was a quiet victory,
but I hope to god
it was screaming in your head.
Aug 2020 · 184
Seasonal Favorites
Bec Aug 2020
Like the tides need the moon,
I need you so naturally.
A flower cannot bloom without sunlight
and water,
and you broke through the clouds
above my head,
became a waterfall.
You are the warmth of late spring
when you hold me.
A cool rain on a hot summer day
when you kiss me.
The first breath of the air of a crisp fall morning
when I look at you.
You are my perfect day
every day.
My very own piece of natures' raw beauty,
and God, how beautiful you are.
Jul 2020 · 288
Bec Jul 2020
The first time I said the words
"I love you",
was not the first time I told you I loved you.
The very first time
was when you had come home from work.
I didn't hear from you
for a couple of hours.
Not entirely unusual, but you know me,
I'm a worrier.
You finally texted me and after a brief exchange of words,
you asked me to call you.
Of course I did without hesitation; calling you had become
my favorite part of every day.
You told me you had been crying.
Really crying.
I remember the feeling in my stomach,
the immediate urge to run to where
you were,
to wage a war against whatever it was
that had caused you that much pain.
To hold you.
Verbally, I've never been good with words.
I wanted to say so much.
I could have said it then.
After a drawn out pause, I told you
"I want to take care of you".
Maybe you knew,
maybe you didn't.
I think my heart knew before I did
that I loved you.
But I meant it then, more than anything.
Still do.
Apr 2020 · 892
Tales of Pride and Heart
Bec Apr 2020
4:30 a.m.
I wake up to a text.
She says "I miss you".
Heart says "I miss you more than anything".
Pride goes back to sleep.
Heart opens the text again at 11, then 2,
then 8 at night.
Pride responds the next day.
Pride says "I hope you're well."
Heart says "I want to see you. I want to be us again."
Pride slowly starts to remove you
from all my social media.
Heart keeps the cards you gave me,
and the ring.
Pride keeps them in a box hidden
under my bed.
Pride stops talking about you.
Heart aches to hear from you
so I have a reason to
talk about you.
Pride makes a face at the
word "love".
Heart wants to know real love.
Heart pleads with
wanting hands for affection,
for attention.
Pride locks Heart in a
steel cage for
protection, for
my safety.
Pride says, "This is for your own good".
Heart weeps.
Pride is worn on my sleeve,
pulled down to
cover the bracelet you gave me.
Pride says, "This is good enough".
Oct 2019 · 548
Bec Oct 2019
I breathe you in
like smoke.
You settle in my lungs,
my veins,
my soul.
I touch you
and I see things
no one else has seen.
You raise your feathered wings
and wrap me
in ecstasy.
You wipe away the rust
that covers me
from years spent living
in my own rain.
Every kiss is never
Every look is always too
You've brought down the Heavens
and made a home for just us.
I pick the feathers from my hair
and make a crown fit for a Queen.
I will spend the rest of my life
learning to fly
by your side.
Sep 2019 · 142
Ugly Is...
Bec Sep 2019
Ugly is
Ugly is
not getting whistled at
on the street.
Ugly is
being ignored by
the wandering hands
of the drunk man
next to me on
his bar stool.
Ugly is
"yeah, she's a really great friend,
but not really girlfriend material".
Ugly is
5 a.m. tears and
7 a.m. bloodshot eyes.
Ugly is
quiet and
Never speaking up.
Desperate for
the worst kind of attention.
Ugly is
loving you
and hating
Jun 2019 · 565
Bec Jun 2019
The word falls from your lips
like venom.
I know your throat burns every time
you say it.
I see the tears you try to brush off.
Because what could be worse, right?
You could be mean,
or selfish,
or violent.
But no, you had to be
If only you knew the years I've spent
learning to love every single inch of me,
teaching myself that "fat" is not a
curse word.
Years spent undoing long nights
that I've stayed awake,
praying to every god I knew
that I could wake up and be
You tell me I am beautiful.
You promise me
that you have eyes for
no one else.
But I know your eyes lust for
Jul 2018 · 196
Bec Jul 2018
My friend and I
talk about our depression
as if it were a
Been there as long as
we can remember,
but never really noticed it
until one day we did.
We make jokes about it,
fully realizing that we
are the punchline.
We share stories of
days spent crying alone,
like fond memories
of our happier childhoods.
Our mental illnesses
mesh so well together,
you’d think it was destiny
that we ended up in
each other’s lives.
My sadness has found
its soulmate
and I can tell
it’s going to be a
“together forever” kind
of love.
Jul 2018 · 994
Just One More Drink
Bec Jul 2018
When I’m sober I’m
so good,
so high on myself.
I talk to my friends and
I love that they love me
just the way I am.
But right now I’m drunk
and I’m falling in love
with all my exes,
all the people who are
I need validation
so I text boys who
I know will get off
on my words, on the
pictures I send them.
I have a whole list of their numbers
for nights like these.
I don’t even know
if they’d recognize me
in the morning.
I don’t even recognize myself
as I delete messages,
words, feelings.
No one will ever know
all the things I crave
if they don’t know me
May 2018 · 13.8k
Love me Less
Bec May 2018
The first time
you said you loved
me, it was as if
I had been pulled aboard
a life raft after being
lost at sea. But
I see now that this
raft is littered with
holes and
we are sinking, but
you are convinced
that your love is a
teacup to scoop out
the water pooling around
my ankles and you will save
us, but the teacup has a crack
down one side and
do you see where I
am going with this?
A tablespoon of water
will never put out
a forest fire; I am burning
through acres.
Bec May 2018
How loud do I have to be
before I am told to stop screaming?
Even though my words are not heard,
the volume is deafening.
I choke on tears
and memories and
smoke that fills my
I look for you in everything
that hurts me.
I know it's getting bad
again, because I crave your
arms around my waist
and your hand around my
I will scream for you
until your hand tightens
and your face is
the last thing I see.
Aug 2017 · 471
Bec Aug 2017
"You should smile more"
No, I should be happy more,
but now we're both
asking for things we don't have.
I'm not a selfish person,
I accept what I've got.
For some people, it comes like
a gift on Christmas morning;
I am living in a house that Santa
doesn't visit.
"I'm sad today" is not
a lifetime commitment,
I know.
But a consistently happy person
is never asked to frown.
Jun 2017 · 1.9k
Too Much, Not Enough
Bec Jun 2017
Long drives
replay long
that sit with me
through longer
But your stay
was so
sometimes I'm
not even sure
you were real.
Jun 2017 · 815
No Pictures, Please
Bec Jun 2017
You told me
I was like a crime scene;
intriguing, but you couldn't
handle getting too close.
So I wrapped my existence
in neon yellow caution tape
and hung a "keep back" sign
above my heart.
You only wanted
to view me from afar.
To stare and mimic
the generic "how sad".
Sometimes the killer stays around
to witness what they've done.
Tell me,
what do you see?
Bec Apr 2017
I am in love.
But this will not have
a happy ending.
I do not know
how to be lovable.
I go home with boys
who aren't you,
and try not to call them
by your name.
You tell me they're
no good for me.
Please, show me what
is good for me.
I am desperately trying
to find the perfect
I cannot figure out
how to be someone
you'd want,
and I can tell that
it's killing me.
I crave you
like nothing else on
this earth.
Try to love me,
or make yourself
leave me.
Bec Sep 2016
Simple hello's
turned to casual conversation,
turned to me seated
in the passenger seat
of your car.
Talks on the phone
that lasted long after
the stars came out.
I really can't say I mind losing sleep,
as long as you're looking
for it with me.
You asked me what I thought
of you,
what I really thought.
Never in my life before then
had I been at a loss
for words.
I couldn't bear to ask you the same,
I'm afraid the answer
will be both too much
and not enough.
Aug 2016 · 921
Bec Aug 2016
Years, I think it was,
that you told me you
wanted me.
I just wasn't ready
for that kind of love.
Still you stayed in my life.
The day I knew was like
the sun being pulled out from
months of overcast skies.
Loving you was the
easiest thing I've ever done.
Some days I think
leaving me
was the easiest thing
you've ever done.
I should have known
when you started comparing
your paper cuts to
bullet holes,
convinced I was holding
the gun.
for what you didn't have
and nothing changed
when you got it.
You were nothing
but sunshine
that couldn't handle
the rain.
Jul 2016 · 381
Bec Jul 2016
There have been theories
about the end of the world.
A giant fireball from the sky,
natural disasters,
a mutant virus.
But the truth is far worse
for I have seen it.
It's going to happen when
you awake one morning,
the warm, comforting body
that is usually next to you,
In their place, a note.
"I don't love you anymore.
I'm sorry"

It'll happen when
she takes her last breath,
the hand you've been desperately
clutching to
loosening in your grip.
When his mother calls you
at 3 a.m., crying,
and tells you that she found her baby,
your best friend,
lying on the red bathroom floor.
It'll take you a minute because
you know that that floor
is white.
This is how the world ends,
neither with a bang or a whisper.
Jun 2016 · 1.2k
You Were a Match
Bec Jun 2016
I've never felt more beautiful
than when I have been
tangled in the sheets of your bed.
The first rays of the morning
coming through the window.
The warmth of your skin
igniting a spark in me.
People tell me that this love is a sin,
that I am living in a Hell all my own.
I will gladly shun a Heaven
where you don't exist.
Jun 2016 · 1.1k
Silence Like a Cancer Grows
Bec Jun 2016
I cannot comprehend
that there are still numerous
people who wish death upon me
and my brothers and sisters,
simply because of who we love.
'Not straight' is not synonymous
with 'not human'.
We exist in a world that
has made it very clear
that we should feel unwelcome.
That we should cower and hide.
What more has to happen
before things change?
I am tired and
I refuse to be silent.
Even if my voice become hoarse,
and the words barely
trickle out of my mouth.
I encourage everyone
to stand together.
Love is love
and no amount of hate
can change that.
Bec May 2016
I get it, okay?
Everyone that knows you
thinks you're amazing.
Don't get me wrong,
you are.
But I will never know
what it's like to be
in your shoes.
Girls want you.
Guys want you.
You've been with more people
than I have friends.
I thought I had a chance
with him,
but then there you were,
getting him to tell you
that he thought you were
the most attractive person.
You come home from the mall
with bags of the hottest new fashions
yet complain when one store
doesn't have your size.
I leave empty handed,
"hot" does not coincide
with the size I wear.
The dressing room mirror
despises me.
All your other friends are
beautiful, flawless.
I am just a piece trying
to fit into the wrong puzzle.
I love you to death,
I always will.
But I really think that
I hate you.
May 2016 · 366
Make Yourself at Home
Bec May 2016
My dear, I would swear
you fell from space.
Never have I met
a human quite
like you.  
Perhaps the rings of
Saturn no longer held
your interest.
The world here is
broken, but
I will walk with you
over the cracks and
show you that it
can be beautiful.
How lucky the stars
I thanked must have been
to get to know you
on this earth.
Apr 2016 · 422
Bec Apr 2016
Treatable, but
Take one pill twice a day,
probably for the rest of your life.
There's no guarantee
on how many days, months, years
you've got left.
You could feel fine one week,
then have Death on speed dial the next.
Of course, they tell you the
survival rate is very high.
So you sit there in the dark,
but hey, you're alive, right?
The doctors don't use the word 'terminal'
when diagnosing you.
But, then again, they don't have to.
Kind of my own personal view on living with depression and anxiety
Mar 2016 · 587
Some Assembly Required
Bec Mar 2016
I'm sorry that
I do not come with a manual,
a warning.
All I've got is the
"Handle With Care"
stamp, marked on my forehead.
Please forgive me for I tend
to malfunction from
time to time.
I wish it was easy.
When I get so sad that
I cannot leave my bed,
turn to page 37, section B
for care instructions.
But loving me
is not that simple.
I ask that you
proceed with caution,
some parts of me
are still being repaired.
Mar 2016 · 413
But I Have My Mothers Heart
Bec Mar 2016
Mom left; the sight of you
was beginning to **** her.
But you held so
tight to a rope that
was burning through
your palms.
You called it "trying",
but all you wanted was
to drown her with you.
When she cut the weights
tied to her ankles,
you had the next pair
lined up for me,
"Dad loves you" inscribed
on each.
But I've found that
the term 'father' is not
synonymous with love.
I could fall into the arms
of a stranger, tell everyone
I know what love is.
You say I'm lucky,
that I got your green eyes,
but you and I will
never see the same.
Some days I'd rather I were blind.
Mar 2016 · 293
I Would, If You'd Let Me
Bec Mar 2016
You find that breathing
becomes impossible,
so you open your skin.
You distract yourself
from the ache that you
can't quite pinpoint, but
feel everywhere.
I know, I've been there too.
What I wouldn't give
to be able to take your hands
in mine, soothe the pain
we've both felt.
To wrap you in light when
all you beg for is dark.
This love I now carry
was saved for someone
like you, and how I'd
love to be the one to
save you.
Feb 2016 · 859
I Really Did Love You
Bec Feb 2016
I love you.
I love you.
This isn't working out,
we should go back to being
just friends.
We should jump to
not talking
and avoiding the inevitable.
"How's your girlfriend?"
"..Oh I'm so sorry."
I swear to God,
I'm going to miss you
for the rest of my life.
It's been like 3 years since she broke up with me and every now and then I still get ******* hung up on it.
Dec 2015 · 718
I Swear The Devil Loves Me
Bec Dec 2015
On Sunday mornings,
my father likes to leave for
church before he can see me
just getting home.
Cigarettes in the back pocket
of yesterday's jeans and another
strangers' fingerprints littered
across my body.
Do you pray for my soul, father?
While you're on your knees
at the pew, do you think about
the tears in the knees of my jeans?
Do you ask God why he has
burdened you with a
daughter like me?
The blank pages of the bible
you clutch will not save you
and my Holy Water cocktail
will not save me.
Dec 2015 · 641
Bec Dec 2015
You make me want to confess
my deepest fears,
my darkest secrets.
Trade in my life as a sinner
and become faithful to
you and you alone.
Please, lay your hands
upon me, soothe my demons
and calm my heart.
I am only just
beginning to live.
Nov 2015 · 479
Forever Alive
Bec Nov 2015
Drowning wouldn't be
awful. Holding your breath,
trying to stay alive - that's the
killer. But after that? Darkness,
silence. Calm. Peaceful actually.
Not so bad.

Burning. Just a warm hug.
A warm hug that doesn't want
to stop hugging. Imagine something
loving you that much?

How about a bullet?
Straight into the bullseye
you've painted on
your head. So quick.
Less painful than the life
that you're convinced you're
not really living. Messy though.

I still chose life.
I will always choose
to keep living.
This is pretty messy, sorry. I've just been thinking a lot lately about how death used to consume my thoughts. As hard as things get for me, I am so glad I chose to live
Oct 2015 · 957
Bec Oct 2015
I found a rock and
it reminded me of you
because when I threw it I
expected it to break but
instead it broke what
it hit and now you're
fine while I'm still
picking up the pieces
Oct 2015 · 1.2k
Bec Oct 2015
When I met him,
he was two years younger
and at least twice as thin.
I wanted so badly what
I couldn't have.
The first time he kissed me,
I thought maybe I was wrong.
Why couldn't it have stopped at
He wanted to touch me,
to run his hands over my skin.
He understood when I told him "no",
but he didn't get it.
I loved him,
and I was terrified to be seen by him.
Underneath my clothes is not
a skinny girl, like maybe
he expected to find.
God, do I love him,
so I will not let him love me.
Sep 2015 · 756
For The Rest of My Life
Bec Sep 2015
If love is blind,
then may I never see again
Bec Sep 2015
Come home with me.
The empty side of
my bed has been calling out
for warmth.
Forever it seems
that I have been waiting
to share myself with you.
I already know how
perfectly my hand fits
in yours;
now I'm dying to see
how the rest of me
fits against you.
Come home with me.
Sep 2015 · 793
Bec Sep 2015
Most people are afraid of
spiders, clowns, thunderstorms;
the usual.
But if you asked me
what my greatest fear is,
I would speak of nothing
but your name.
Because what would I do,
who would I be,
should one day
you decide that you're
over me?
Bec Aug 2015
You're all gone,
every one of you.
I don't know how
it happened.
I've been right here.
Did you not see me?
Because I saw you.
I saw you pass through
my life.
I was merely a
rest stop.
You were my destination.
It's never been easy for me to make friends and suddenly, the few good ones I thought I had, have decided to move on from me. I'm so lost.
Aug 2015 · 405
Handle With Care
Bec Aug 2015
I have lost complete control.
I waved goodbye as
it left. Now you have
overwhelmed everything that I do,
everything that I say. Please,
make me a better me
than I ever could.
Everything that I am
is in your hands
and all I'm asking
is that I can stay.
Jul 2015 · 467
Vacant Lot
Bec Jul 2015
I reach for your hand
and I feel the pressure of
your fingers against mine.
But there is no warmth
from your presence.
I look to your face and
I do not recognize those eyes.
Someone I knew so well
has become a stranger;
an empty body who bears
your name.
Please tell me how
I could have lost you
while you have been right
by my side.
Jul 2015 · 651
We Shared a Home
Bec Jul 2015
I swear, even on my deathbed,
I would remember
exactly where you lived.
How your room looked
and which side of the bed
was yours.
And even if all of me
knows you're gone,
I would still knock on the door
and ask if you were around.
You've moved on and I will never get over you
Jun 2015 · 696
Where Was My Warning
Bec Jun 2015
Yesterday, I came home to an
eviction notice-
a box filled with everything
I kept at your place,
every gift I had ever given you.
You moved me out of your home,
your mind, your heart.
Now I sit, homeless,
inside the four walls of this house.
Jun 2015 · 634
Somebody Needs This Today
Bec Jun 2015
Dear You,
I know this is probably long overdue.
I'm sure the weight that has been
not-so-gently thrown onto your
shoulders feels like it's about to
break your back.
Please, whatever you do,
don't let it win.
I know how strong you really are.
Your steps may falter,
but you cannot fall.
Every obstacle you overcome,
no matter how minor it may seem,
is one less mile you have to go.
I am so, so proud of you.
Keep. Going.
I know someone, including myself, needs to hear this today.
Jun 2015 · 668
You Had No Clue
Bec Jun 2015
You defiled me
without a thought,
without a single touch
from your hand.
But somehow I felt you -
I still feel you.
And for as long as I live
you will hang above my head,
a noose woven through
with my name.
Jun 2015 · 866
Fake It 'Til You Make It
Bec Jun 2015
Don't tell me I'm pretty.
I'm not interested in hearing
how beautiful you think my eyes are,
or how you could listen to my
voice for hours.
I don't need gentle, sweet or kind.
Instead I'll be begging for bruises
on my thighs and scratches down my back,
fingertips pressed into my throat.
Make me completely give in to
your artificial affection.
I need to know this isn't real.
May 2015 · 1.2k
Maybe You Were Just Bored
Bec May 2015
A year of silence, then suddenly "I missed you"
becomes heated, frantic whispers of
"just as friends though, right?"
in blacked out rooms.
Where trembling fingers grasp
shaking legs
and every "is this okay?" is a safe haven
and occasionally an escape.
Sometimes no feelings is easier to stomach
than reality
Because loneliness is a sickness
that can be cured by everyone and no one,
and pretending that every touch
means just a little something more,
might somehow save your life.
Bec Apr 2015
I am so ******* tired of
people to stay.
I swear I have seen
more backs than I have
So now a promise to
the next one who wants to go -
I will make not a sound
to stop you.
I am so much better than
my dirt covered knees
and white knuckled hands.
Feb 2015 · 1.6k
Falling In Love
Bec Feb 2015
I am 16
And I have found love in a
boy who is 5 years older than me.
He tells me he loves me and I
lose myself in him.
He breaks my heart, twice.
We still keep in touch.

I am 20
I have found love in a girl
with curly blonde hair and eyes
like the sea. She holds my hand
and sings to me, kisses my forehead.
We haven't spoken in a year.

I am 21
I think I have found love.
He doesn't acknowledge what we
are in public and he thinks insulting
me is funny. He kisses me like he loves me
though, so I tell myself it's enough.
He moved miles away; I think he was
just as lonely as I was.

I am 22*
She's the one. Her hair is never
the same color and sometimes
she laughs too loud. She has scars
that she regrets, but she's doing
everything she can to keep going.
She is me, and I am in love.
Jan 2015 · 1.0k
Please, Please
Bec Jan 2015
The crescent moons of my
fingernails are set in my palms
and my feelings are splayed
across my face like a black eye.
Now I feel my teeth cracking
from my painfully clenched jaw
after holding back
everything that I can.
My body is breaking and I
am praying to anyone who
will listen that this
is the last time.
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