..
sometimes emptiness is so heavy
you feel nothing while feeling everything
it's a wild ride in empty dessert
it's hot while you're shivering
it's wet while there aren't any water
like having wings while you can't fly
like swimming in the air and drowning
when you know everything and can't say anything
..
/M.A./

why can't we buy and sell emotions?
let's make a new world where we could?
shall we?

i would sell my joy i guess
it's really annoying i can't stand it
because it's comes and goes when it pleases

and i would buy trust
because it would be pleasing
to count on someone

what would you sell or buy?
anger, fear, shame, envy or sadness?
courage, confidence, patience, kindness or love?

join me in this mystery..

/M.A./

hate is a strong word i guess
let's use "i don't like" instead
it's not a human or a thing
it's just..
my soul hates
khhm i'm sorry..
my soul doesn't like long poems
LONG POEMS

i'm wasting so much time
on useless thing already
that even now i'm not taking
that risk to read
a long poem
because what if it isn't good

i'm guessing there is just something wrong with me

/M.A./

I have learned to walk on snow
Without leaving my footprints.
I have learned to swim
Without scattering the waters.
I have learned to save the flowers beauty
Without killing it.
I have learned to read people
Without speaking a word with them.

you look into my eyes so easy
how the hell do you do that?
when you look so easily to me
i'm starting to think that
you did feel nothing for me

when ever i look into your eyes
even when i'm trying not to
i get shot with lightning

today the girl who i spent almost all the summer said to me that i remind to her a girl who is in love with moon, flowers, 3 AM's, stars and that ****. that beautiful ****, which i really love. that is interesting because i call her a girl who i spend a summer with not a friend or something. we even didn't talk much. and that's my fault because i'm not a talker but a dreamer. but back to the point - i was surprised because she doesn't really know me, but she saw that side of me. i didn't think that i can show the real me, so i'm really graceful to that girl, who told me that i can.

people came and go
it's my belief
i think i live by that
and too strongly
'cause i don't get attached

no it's all in a other way
i get attached to people
but i'm already ready
that they will vanish
from my life
sooner or later

silence isn't so silent
if your thoughts
are so ******* loud

you hid sadness
but tears you knew
like your sisters

you thought happiness
was something unnatural
You hated him.

you hid smile
but fears controlled you
that's how you met him

but his smile scared you
you wanted to steal it
You hated him!

it take only one scream to actually scream
isn't it funny?.................................................
oh keep your silence to yourself
but why?.......................................
just wonder too far in the universe
and then?...........................................
hold yourself so no one else have to hold you instead
right here?............................................................­...............
and always be just fine
yeah like always!.........

we easily **** ourselves
because we know our worth
our purpose, our lives path
but to point a gun to someone else
is harder, way harder
we don't know their reasons
their messed up childhood
or their fears

so to rule over someones life
we have to live that life

hi, i'm blonde now.

and everyone loves it so much
but why?
why you people like this simple color
it's so boring and plain
ohhhh i hate it so much

it remainds me of perfection
it's just like BARBIE
that freaking doll
and you all like it
and i'm starting to hate
you all for that!

BE HAPPY. HAPPINESS IS A CHOSE. THINKING HAPPY THOUGHTS HELPS YOU TO BE POSITIVE. positive. negative. pluses and minuses. bad and good. positive positiveness. smiling, joking, laughing. SMILE! BE YOURSELF. so if I like crying.. NO! STOP DON"T SAY THAT. wait what? BE POSITIVE! so being yourself isn't positive? NO NOT LIKE THAT! so like what? FIRST OF ALL SMILE. but smiling isn't my thing.. WE CAN"T BE FRIENDS. why? NEGATIVENESS ISN'T MY THING. so negatively positive. i like that!

i'm wondering do you hate me
because you are avoiding me
i think we ended it all together
because it was both of our faults

why are we strangers now

we both together didn't work and so what
some of people aren't meant for each other
but that doesn't mean that i don't want you in my life
why all of us are assuming something
we even doesn't ask face to face
we just assuming
i'm guilty too
maybe you don't want people like me in your life
maybe you don't hate me, just don't want me
HA what's better
it all turned even worse


Hey!
can i ask you a personal question?
Do You Hate me?

ohh darlin' waiting is hurtful i know
but why you didn't wait just a little longer
..
ohh we could have been so much more
that what we had even wasn't a thing
..
ohh this after taste is killing me
i wasn't ready for you but i let you in
..
ohh but you didn't wait
you wanted all at the same time
..
ohh what have we both done?

when ever i push delete button
i press it few more times
even there isn't anything to delete
'cause i'm hoping
it could delete
all my mistakes
my ****** up life mistakes
and maybe even my life

this numbness
when i don't want to push
these buttons
but words are flowing
and feelings are gone
for everything
and nothing has a reason

i hate this feeling

we all need recharging

but to save our batteries
sometimes we need to stop speaking
and to start listening
  
need to breath in and breath out
of course breathing out is optional
just joking

and yeahhh
sometimes we need a good laugh

i don't have an answer to that question
but i have more questions

how you can say out loud something
that you can't put in words?
how you can explain that to people
who still cares about you?
how you can feel understood
when no one understands?
how can i even feel something
i cant explain?
how this all works?
?

so many questions but no answers
i quess it's life
..?

i thought that i was so alone in this grey world
and i was so wrong and so right about it
so my point in this pointless topic is
that it's okay to be alone while you are feeling fine

but when i started speaking to and watching people
'cause my alone time started to be unhealthy
i realized we are not alone in that
that all of us are alone in this universe

HA such a plot twist, am i right...?

we always remember those moments
when we were on the thin line
or heavy decision
when one word could decide
our entire lives


the moment when you realize
that you doesn't feel some things anymore
the moment of revelation
the moment of relief

..

i'm a drunker i guess
i'm in love with that feeling
when you feel your blood pumping
and then sorrow feels so good
too good to be true
...

how you ever seen moon shining so bright
that it seem like, it's smiling?

i think it's smiling all the time
but we see it, only the times it's the brightest

because we don't notice the ordinary
..

they all are monster
and darlin' i'm too
we all are

sometimes we think terrible things
that would make people scream
believe me..

sometimes we do dreadful things
that make people cry
believe me..

or don't believe me
because all of us are lying
monster are such a liars
..

we spend our lives waiting for something
for opportunities
for lovers
for "the right time"

we forget that while we are waiting
the time doesn't wait

are there is something wrong with me?
or I was made like this...
i'm feeling pretty good when i'm sad
it's like sorrow is my happiness

i'm just so used to it, i guess
..

if i couldn't dream
then i couldn't breath
i just would't stand living.

when i'm go to sleep
i'm going to my world
there everything is better
more exiting more dramatized

this world is too plane for me
i can't stand this feeling of disappearing

in the dream realm
i'm feel more alive
then in the real world
...

i'm in love with sea creatures
even the mystical ones
imagine they have their own world
their own rules
..

i'm so unlovable i guess
i'm not made for human interactions
i **** everything up

they say i'm perfect
when i'm getting almost good grades
when i'm not speaking too much
or too little

they say i'm perfect
when i don't care what to wear
when i have messy hair
or messy handwriting

they say i'm perfect
when really i'm not..

they say i'm perfect
when it's perfect for them..

my drug and addiction

i have to drink coffee
or else my head wants to explode
but like in medical terms
it's my pain killer

but in the same time
coffee makes my hands shaky
and heart too fast and
i want to do everything at once
and nothing at all

i really don't like coffe
it tastes like nothing
like burned sugar
and its blackness scares me

what should i do?
if i don't like my savior...

they think that you are their friend
but are you?

yes, you are their friend
but they aren't your friends

how that's possible ?
maybe because they don't notice

they don't notice that
they are interrupting you all the time
that you don't finish your storys
that you are laying
and believe me you're bad at it

they even don't notice
that you're disappearing
that you're fading away
and that that you're hurt

such a good friends
but why?
why you are still their friend?

you're still hoping
you're such a stupid girl
but they don't notice even that

to be honest
everything happened too slow
and too fast at the same time
i didn't understand what
did or did not happen

what did you wanted
to fall in love or brake me
to kiss or argue
to know me or know yourself

you said that you're selfish
i think you said so many things
at the same ******* time
so don't say i didn't understand you
because at the beginning you didn't let me speak
and in the end
i understood that the beginning
already was the end

but still i'm so sorry
for everything
I did or did not do
and for everything
what did or did not happen...

you know what's so ironic?

I love this planet...

but in this place i can't
imagine myself being happy.

have you ever thought
how would you want to die?

i have

burning to death
would be too noisy
too red i guess
and i don't like red

taking pills
would be too fast
and too painful i guess
i'm tired of pain

jumping of height
would be impossible in my town
and too fascinating
it would be like flying

but imagine drowning
i think it would be magical
water have always called me
time would stop
i wouldn't hear anything
and stop breathing
but i still would be there
in silence, in stillness,
in water, in calmness,
it would be like
a holidays for eternity
.........

sometimes i'm feeling like a empty bag
yeahh sometimes people fill me
but it's not for long

because they all need their content back

and then i'm empty again
and again
...

yesterday I met a girl,
i think she is from wonderland
magical hair and sparkling eyes
sadly sweet words came from her mouth
and i thought, where she has been all my life.

i needed true friendship back then
but she is offering it now,
i wonder can i be true to her
because i even can't be true to myself
but maybe, maybe we can try.

i really didn't believe that "almost" was possible...
i strongly believed that everything
either happened or didn't happen
and then everything was black or white
i guess there wasn't in between.

you showed my a new world
and i'm not thanking you
because now it's all messed up
there are rainbows and colors in between colors
and i didn't ask for that!

i thought that
yeahh everything would be okay
because you would be here to show me around
but there were one problem
you were the definitions of "almost".

in love with stars
in love with animals, trees and sunsets
in love with you
in love with everything

but then...
something hits me
misunderstood emotions
unknown waters
something what isn't there

everything is beautiful
but just for some time
and then everything
turns           around

and i don't know what to do
or   what   to   say
everything     just    blurs    out  
and       no     one       understands       me . . .