No matter where I am
No matter the time of day
No matter who I am with

I am lost

No matter what they say
No matter what they believe
No matter what they know

I am lost

No matter how I try
No matter what I do
No matter who I try to be

I am lost

Lost in a crowd
Lost in a family
Lost in a world of people
Lost in my own mind

I am lost

I don't know what to think,
One day I'm happy
The next I'm exctied
And after that it all spirales down out of control,
It starts with. Nightmares,
Then the shakes,
After te cold deadness inside takes over,
So now I try not be happy because when I am it all spirales out of control,
It is easier to deal with the cold than to deal with the warmth,

So now I don't know what to think,
I don't know what to believe,
I don't know what to do anymore,
So now I'm lost and falling into the uncontrollable spiral falling out of control,
So now I don't know what to think.

A life with no regrets,
What a life that would be,
A life where you rember all the good and none of the bad,
Where love is the stuff that moves moutains not money,
Where life and love go hand in hand,
And where we don't have to say bye to our loved ones.

If only out dreams could
Come
Tire.

Some times I get lost,
Not in real life,
But in my head,
I get lost within my own thoughts,
The whirl winds of word that could have been said,
Should have been said,
Get lost within the endless possibilities,
The could haves,
Should haves,
And of course,
I get lost in the memories,
Not the happy ones,
Not the ones that make me smile and laugh,
But the ones that make me cry and shake on pain, in loss and sorrow,

Even now laying here,
I'm lost in those same memories,
And I can't escape them,

Can't escape the pain,
And the bone shattering force of sadness,
The cold tracks of my tears are the reminder that I will never be able to change what happened,

I get lost and even now I can't find a way out.

I will give you my all,
My heart,
My soul,
My love,
I do not want anything in return other that you are happy,
Smiling,
Laughing,
I will give you all that i have,
I will not ask for anything,
I will not beg,
I will not stand in your way,
I will give you everything so that you may open your wings and fly,
So that you may find your happiness,
Find your love,
Find your solace,
I will give you everything so that you may be happy.

I give you everything so that one day you can love and need nothing in return.

I know not what the night brings other than a darkness so foul it has no words.

I know not what the night brings but hot words badly said but heard none the same.

I know not the night brings but a pain so sharpe its likeness to a knife stabbed deep within the heart.

I know not what the night brings.

I miss you more than you know,
It brings tears to my eyes when it remember what we used to do,
What we used to be like,

I miss you more than you know,
You plague my dreams both at night and during the day,
I dream of you it's what gets me through.

Danm I miss you,
Every wall I see your face plastered on it,
Every blast of wind is like your breath on my neck,
Goosebumps raise every Danm time.

I miss you so ******* much.

And there's nothing I can do.

One day I'll see you again hopefully we will both be happy.
I miss you shnufflepuff.

The feel of skin on skin,
The feeling of clothes being pulled torn off,
The push of her hands to make me move,
The feel of her hands trailing over my body,
The tingle the leave,
The feel of luxurious lips kissing my skin,
The final push the gasp of pleasure,
The joining of two hearts and soul,
The glorious Ecstasy.

Have me i'm yours.
Take me i'm yours.
Own my i'm yours.

I'm Yours.

The Sound,
The Feel,
That Crazy Electro Beat,
The swing of your hips and the sound of your tapping feet,
The infectious sound of your voice,
The husky **** feel of the sound against my body,
The infectious feel of your hip sway,
God that Electro swing has infected me.

In life we trust many things to many people,
In life we trust that our decisions are made for the right reasons,
In life we trust.

But is that trust mislaid,
When did we lose trust in us,
Us! Ha us is humanity,
When did we lose trust in ourselves,
When did trust become fear.

What are we,
What are we made for,
Why do we feel,
Why do we have the ability to think,
Why do we have the ability to trust.

In life we trust and get broken by our selves and other by humanity.

In death we let go and finally we trust for real becuase we know that it's all over.

After all these years,
Here we are still following the sunrise,
Watching where it leads,
And never where it ends,
Mesmerised by its colours,
And the sounds surrounding it,

After all these years we still don't understand,
That we will never understand the earth and sun,
That it was never meant to be understood,
But to be Admired and looked at,
To see the Beauty,
And to have hope ignited in our hearts and souls.

sometimes we think to much,
try to understand what was never meant to be understood,
try to explain what needs not explaining,
we never truly stop and see.

See the Beauty and Be Inspired.

This life
This day
This week
This year

It's all new
It's all perfect

It's a life without regrets
It's a life without sorrow

It's a life I thought I'd never have
It's a life I thought I'd lost
It's a life I'd left behind

I want it gone this feeling inside
This feeling of longing
This feeling of loss
This pang of guilt

I want it gone this pain inside
This ember that burns my soul
The fire which darkens my mind

I want them gone the ghosts
Your ghosts you left them here
You left your laugh echo in my house
You left your voice in my ear
You left your ghost walking around me

I want it gone this feeling
This feeling for you
I loved you
I see you in everything I do
I hear your voice every were I go

I want it all gone
I want a clean slate
A new start
A sandbox for me to build in
I want to create new memories

I want it all gone
So you can move on
So you can live your life
So you can be happy.

I want it gone this feeling inside
These ghosts
These fires
I want you to move on and he happy.

I want to runaway,
I want to runaway,
Anyway from here,
I want to lose control,
I want to let go of all the strings,
Let go of all the emotions,
I want to runaway,
And be free,
I want to runaway,
Be free of all this.

Sometimes i wish life could be easier:

i wish that i could live in a cabin in the moutons of Austria,
where snow blocks all the roads,

and the only company i have are deer and birds maybe the odd bear,
i wish for peace and tranquility,
for a time where everything just stops moving so fast.

i wish for a place where even the most mundane jobs take hours,
like chopping wood for the stove,
hunting for food,
foraging for sweet berries,
making everything yourself,

i wish for a time where i can just be at rest and not worry about coming back to this life that i live.

I wish upon a star,
To brighten my day and sweeten my dreams,
I wish upon a star,
To awaken me every morning to a better day,
I wish upon a star,
To take away all the pain in this world,
I wish upon a star,
To heal all this illness and death,
I wish upon a star,
But that wish never comes true.

No matter how big or how small it never comes true,
My day Is never sweet nor bright and never is the pain gone or the illness and death healed.
Never dose it come true for wishes do not work nor do miracles.

I still wish in the vain hope that one day someone's wish comes true, no matter how big or how small we all deserve a wish or two.

one text,
one sentence,
a couple of words strung together,
meant to ease the pain,

And Yet..

they don't,
they change the way i think,
take away the love i once had for you,
to understand i was nothing more,
than a.
Good Laugh
is just painful.

being a mistake was easy to deal with,
but just being a laugh in your words,
is worse.

Why is it that now half past twelev at night I'm thinking about you,
About your smile and laugh,
The way your eyes Krinkle,
The softness of your hands and fingers,
Every detail of your face,
Of you,
I just can't stop,
And yet I know you don't think of me like that,
I'm sure sooner or later you'll stop texting,
You'll stop caring,
You'll forget me I'm sure,
I'll never forget you tho and the way you laugh and smile,
The way you sleep,
Or how you sigh at what I've said,

Maybe it's just me clinging onto what's already gone.

Go out side and sit down,
Leave everything inside,
Your phone,
Your laptop,
Everything,
Just sit outside and listen,

Listen to the world,
Just listen.

And maybe just maybe you see peace.

It's that feeling like you've forgotten something,
Like leaving a door open,
Or leaving a light on,
That feeling plagues me day and night,
But it's not about a door or light or any of those such things,
It's more a feeling that I have forgttten how to feel,
To let go of reason and logic and to just love,
That feeling that I have it's like there should be something here but instead there's nothing,
It's not just that though there are these thoughts floating around like a feather in the wind,
Drifting to place unknown,
To place forgotten,
And hidden from view,
Thoughts about the people around me,
About friends family and people at work,
It's like I can see them talk to them but my mind sees them ever slowly drifting away,
But instead of my feet and legs running after them,
They are stuck steadfast to the ground,
Unable or unwilling I don't know neither do I understand,
Then come the ideas both good and bad,
Do I tell her don't I tell her,
What would they think,
These are the question that surround the ideas in my head,
Or should I say dream,
Fantasy a fairy tale of love unconditional love and happiness,
But alas she has her Prince Charming,
And he, well he has his horse and armour in waiting,
Do I grab my mallet and sword to plunge through his steel armour or do I wait,
For this this evening was only random.

A slow rhythm,
A beat,
Slow steady,
Beat after beat,
A pulse of life and death,
Beat after beat,

Like rain falling from the sky,
The drops fall repeatedly,
Over and over,
Beat after beat,
It's never ending,
It never stops,
There are no breaks in this storm,

The storm is life,
The rain drops are my heart beats,
The lighting and thunder my nightmares,
The cold is how I feel,

The beat of my heart keeps going no matter what,
No matter how much I want the cold to take,
No matter how much I want the rain to drown me,
No matter how hard I try the beat is still there,
All be it weaker every day,

The steady rhythm,
The beat
Beat
Beat.

I heard a quote today which made me smile but cry at the same time, this is as much a poem as it is an anecdote.

"Love is both friend and foe, it keeps us sane but creates a madness also, but love and hope go hand in hand and let us go by in life, let hope be our guide and love our protection"

On hearing this it made me smile it made me hope but most of all it made me remember, it made me remember my loss my sorrow my pain, it made me remember that i have lost you and although you are there miles from me i know i have lost you but it also made me remember my love, my love for you it made me remember that no matter how far away you are that my heart will always be filled with love for you.

It made me have hope, i may not see you or be with you but it made me hope that one day i would see you happy once more but until that time let hope be my guide and let my love be your protection.

Take my hand and follow me,
Follow me to end of the world
And back again,
Take my hand O dear sweet angel,
Spread your wings and fly with me,
Hand in hand.

Take my hand and never let go,
Never rember those tears,
Take my hand and let's fly away.

Lies,
sweet and sometimes sour,
but mostly sweet,
sweet as they leave the lips of those who say them,
and sweet to the ears that soak up those words,

they drip from the lips like honey,
and clog up like sout in a chimney,
they stop all the truth and let only lies through,

lies are used by all,
from couples through to lovers,
from one man to another,
from a women to a child,
they are in many cases seen as a way of hiding the truth,
the truth that bears the pain of life.

but for all who read this,
i sit here wrting these words and know to myself,
that i cannot bear the lies of others anymore,
i listen to those sweet seductive lies,
how they pour into me,
"i love you",
"i care",
i can no longer stand beside the fakes of this world,

id much rather stand alone then be flooded with lies,
be flooded with sorrow,
sorrow because i know that those words are lies.

lies all of them,
*lies

sometimes in life theres ups and downs,
i have had my downs,
like rain falling out of the sky,
the water falling over the cliff,
no end to the drop just the falling,
till one day i hit the fall,
i lost control in a way,
that made me lose everything,
i saw the blood flow,
and didnt stem it,
it was a beautiful master peice,
a perfect picture,
theres noting like watching your life drain away.

the only reason im still here is because of my family,
my friend she knows who she is,
my gf although sometimes (most) she dosnt seem to care,

some days i wish i wasnt here,
that i didnt have to live,
that i could watch my life flow away again.

Life
Death
Inbetween
These three things are what hold me

Life
Happiness
Love
Family
Friends
Life isn't just about living for yourself it's about living for others,
Life isn't just about waking up and and breathing it's about loving and caring.

Death
Sadness
Pain
Sorrow
Death isn't just about letting your final breath go its about letting everything go the love the happiness the life,
Death isn't just about pain and sadness it's a sweet oblivion and sweet place to go after all the pain and sadness.

The Inbetween
Is where I'm stuck
Stuck living for others my soul and heart is dead they have let go but I can't stop caring for the ones I care about they are two people who helped me through but soon I will let go for good and go to my sweet oblivion.

Life death Inbetween
All three are different
All three are painful
But I will stay through the pain for two people once they are safe and happy I will gladly take deaths hand an let him lead me to me sweet oblivion.

Life isn't optional,
We are all born,
We all take our fist steps and say our first words,
We all take those steps and we laugh at the joy of the freedom of movement,
We all say our fist words and smile and laugh at the freedom of being understood.

But then we grow older and see these actions in a different light,
our steps controlled and manipulated,
our words changed and banned,
our freedoms gone,
its chained to reason and the higher ups.

so we make bricks of reason, bricks of passion and we fight back how ever we know how as it is said:

“A concept is a brick. It can be used to build a courthouse of reason. Or it can be thrown through the window.”

so what will your choice be to build a house of law like those of past and achieve what so many others have failed,
or do you fight with your bricks and succeed we all others have failed.

Or do we change the course of history!

Take a chance, start the movement, take the first step and speak of freedom.

Not the childish whims of no law and no consequences but the freedom to live.

throw off the chains of technology and social media,
throw off the chains of theology and religion that bind us to war,
throw off the megalomanic controllers of our world and take a stand.

life isn't optional but Freedom is!

break those chains and life for freedom.
live for life its self.
Freedom
Life

we are all intertwined by the decisions that we make.
so lets choose together.
Lets make Freedom possible.

The blur of life,
It's quick,
It's silent in reality,

I sit and watch as the people go by,
Watch as people say hello and good bye,
Watch as they shed tears as they watch the other leave,

The blur of life,
It's quick,
It's silent in reality,

As I sit i see,
See the happiness,
See the joy in a young boys face as his mother buys him a ice cream,
And yet watch an old man cry Becauaes he rembered when his mum did the same for him,

Life is blur,
We never truly know when it will end,
Or what we will see in a day,
It's all a blur and when we sit,
We see it for what it is quick,
And in reality it's silent.

Don't let life pass you by, smile at a stranger, make a child laugh,
Help an old
Women across the road.

Because life is a blur and you never know when the end will come.

Light likes to think its the fastest thing,
That it can travel anywhere and be the first there,
Light believes nothing can beat it to its destination.
But no matter how fast or far light goes it is always beaten,
because darkness has always got there first and is always waiting for the light.

The sky brightens,
Clouds disperse,
The sun shines,
Then the it stops the sun dips behind a dark cloud,
The land covered in darkness,
There is one who shines,
Standing for all to see carrying the light with them,
Casting back the shadows of dispare,
And revealing the life that can be.

All we have to do is jump.
Take a chance,
Take the leap at a better life,
Take the chance no matter the consequences.

There is always a lighter brighter path you just have to take it.

Your silence is killing me,
Your held tounge is twisting the knife,
Your disapearence from my life untie the ties I have to it,

I am on my last legs,
My last stand,
I'm trying understand but I can't see,

I'm losing it and you know.

A feeling so void of anything it's hard to explaine it,
A feeling that catches you at any moment even when you know where you are,
It's not the phiscal sensation,
It's the mental taxation,
Where am I going,
How did I get here,
Where are you,
Why have you gone.

Lost

Lost in a never ending spiral,
A rabbit hole with no end,
Spinning out of control,
No end,
Just falling firths and deeper into madness,
Going,
Going,
And gone,

Lost forever.

I miss you,
You know the hardest thing in the world is waking up and realising your not there,
That your voice won't be the first thing I hear,
I miss you terribly,
And honestly I don't know how to put it into words.

I miss you........

im lost in my own head,
i can see my self do all the things in this world,
i can see myself make tea and dinner,
walk and get dressed,
but i can touch,
but i cant change whats going on,
but i cant change what im doing,
im lost in my own body,
i don't recognise what im doing anymore,
losing my self seemed safe and now it seems to be be the best choice,
out of body out of mind.

getting lost in my self and forgetting who i am and what i was.

what a glorious felling losing oneself.

but im lost in myself and although glorious i can't change whats happening around me i can get back.

missing you,
always with the pain in my heart as i watch you leave. why do i not have the courage to tell the truth, the truth of love, love is just  word but you my angel gave that word meaning and now you leave and with this i give you my heart so you will always be loved and never be alone.

I'd give everything to have even one more minuet with you one more second, your voice your touch drives my demons out your love your happiness brightens my days.

Where once an empty husk of a heart stood now is a beating living thing because of you, because of you I feel once more because of you I can face my demons.

But now your gone and my heart starts to slow starts dry up now my days grow dark and those old demon friends return to laugh at the happiness I once had.

You were and always will be my love my light my heart and my soul.

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a play,
Love is what i feel for you ,
Each and Everyday,
Love is like a smile,
Love is like a song,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with all my heart,
My body,
My soul,
I love the way i keep loving you,
Like a love i cannot control,
So Remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And i i have poured my entire soul into you right from the start.

sitting on the edge,
letting the water rush past,
the mist crawling over my skin,
the coldness spreading over me like a trickle of rain,

but all of a sudden the trickle turns into a torrent,
washing me all over pushing everything from my head and heart,
making my body tense up and lose control,

this torrent is like a dam,
its held back but then the flood gates open,
and it all comes crashing over me,

(because **** when i think of you my body gives up all my thoughts are on you, lust is a n evil thing it is a flood and it is never ending)

then as soon as the gates were open they close,
leaving me empty of all feeling,
with the fleeting memories of you,
your voice,
your touch,
your breath against my neck,

Lust you evil ***** why do you so this when all i try do is forget you bring it all back up to the surface.

Merry Christmas everyone,
May your day been filled with happiness,
And your hearts full of joy,
This little plot of words,
Is  my wish to you,

Merry Christmas
Be happy,
Eat till you can't move,
And open presents till there's no more paper left,

And look foreward to the future.

**

Tonight is gonna be difficult, I'm in Leeds and in a Hotel I tell a very old friend that I'm on town she comes to meet me we talk and talk, all the way back to my Hotel, time flys I thought to my self yet she was still smiling at me and Danm that smile it could melt anyone's heart, I let her in she puts her bag down and turns round " so you've been alone without anyone for how long" I'm lost for words didn't know what to say I swear I blushed, she smiles and takes
My hands and says "not tonight".

That was last nigh never got a chance to post it, happy and bad memories,
She made me
Smile and I get we both slept after and she woke with a smile that I've never seen on her face before.

I'm going to miss her.

Sometimes it's like the world stops turning,
Like time it's self just stops with the world,
Everything goes dark,
Everything stops,
It gets cold so cold I can't move,
Sometimes I don't know why but I treasure these moments,
Even though they cause pain,
Even though they make me yarn for things i have lost or can't have,
I treasure them because in those times I don't have I care,
All I have to do is just worry about my own survival.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to survive,
Just let time take my breath away so I don't have to breath anymore.

Never let go,
Hold on tight,
Because im never letting go,
Im not going to let you go down alone,
I wil give you my strength to help you fight on,
To help you every hurdle,
To break through every wall,
I will not let go,
So hold on tight,
And never let go.

This isn't really a poem at all this is what i go through every night.

im standing on a long narrow path, i can feel the cobbles underneath my feet, they are uneven and cold to the touch. I know thats its night time but there is no moon and no stars, just black, dark and cold. I start to move forward on the cobbled street but as i move forward i hear a scarping sound behind me i turn round slowly my whole body shaking cold sweat running down my skin, what i see frightens me, all i see is a face and a dark shadow covered body, the face is moving darkness tendrils of shadows moving across his face, he has eyes like burning embers i can almost see the smoke escaping his eyes, he has horns dark black like a rams horns poking through his darkness, he starts to laugh and when i see his mouth its full of the faces of people i know but they are on fire screaming the skin melting off there bones the arms and hands outstretched reaching for help but there is none there, i'm stuck just standing there i can move i cant run away as he turns his eyes on me boring into my soul seeing me for who i am and ripping my memories apart bring up the ones i buried he laugh he's enjoying it,  he moves forward grasping me with his hands the tendrils of shadows holding me still i cant breath i cant move, he moves closer to me his hands grow claws sharp as razors he digs them into me i feel be flesh tear i scream but he dosn't stop he just laughs at me saying to me that i'm pathetic, worthless, he digs further with his claws i now feel my blood pumping down my arms down my legs i cant stop it i can't move, he just laughs at me goading me i scream more and more till my throat cracks and nothing comes out, he looks at me and just drops me, i get up he looks at me and smiles i run as fast as i can running for my life, i turn back to and see hundred of eyes like his each one holding a painful memory of mine reminding me of it pulling at me, i run but they are always behind me they all laugh and again i see the people i know in pain and i cant do anything, i keep running my lungs burn my legs feel like dead wights but i don't stop i keep going one foot in front of the other, the the cobbles fall away and fall through the air and hit hard flat ground i look up but its just darkness i know i'm in a tunnel i can feel it sense it i stop running i take a deep breath but then i feel my skin tear all along my back and he's there smiling again i run the blood running freely down my back now, as i'm running i hear a sound one that made me stop from fear a scream that chilled my soul and rattle my bones so high pitched it hurt me to listen, but it didn't stop i carried on i felt my ear drums burst and blood dribble down my neck from it, i fall too my knees clutching my head to stop the sound stop the pain, as soon as my knees hit the floor theres a thunderclap and the walls and celling crack, the walls fall on me cracking my bones the tear through my skin my muscles rip and my vain's burst i can only feel pain the celling collapses trapping me my intestines rupture my lungs pop, i can feel it all happening, i scream for help but no ones there, i scream till my throat bleeds but no one hears me, i can see them  the demons laughing, i can see the people who i thought would helping standing on top of where i'm buried they do not notice they just walk away. i start to grow cold and weak my eyes are shutting the last of my strength escapes me and then as i'm about to die.

i wake up.


This happens every night.

i want them gone
i want them out
i dont want to think anymore
i dont want to shake in fear at the thought of them.

nightmares

i want them gone
i want them out
i want peace and i want sleep.

Black,
Grey,
These are the colours i see,
These are the colours that cloud my vision,
Cloud my eyes,
Cloud my judgement,
The black of pain kills my heart kills my soul,
The black of pain blocks out the white light of the sun,
The white light of happiness love and warmth,
The grey of sorrow drowns my heart,
It pulls me under,
It fills my lungs,
It chokes me,
There is no white light,
No warmth,
No love,
No happiness,

There is no white light,
Only,
Black,
and,
Grey,

These are the colours i see,
These are the colours i live with,
My life passes by in and black and grey.

I don't know why,
But I feel empty inside,
Lost even,
There's just nothing left to give,
Like I'm floating in space,
And dropping like a stone in a lake with nothing to hold on to,

I don't know why,
But this emptiness seems like home,
Bring empty means there's no pain,
I like that,
No pain.

I don't know why,
But I may just let the emptiness.
Stay.

Your trust and Friendship with me is more dear then anything that I have,
It is not your fault you are no ***** or *** but you are human,
And I don't blame you for that never will I blame you for that,
The solitude was not created be you alone there are others both near and far,
Family and friends of old and new,
I do not want to stress you, hurt you or anything like that,
All I want is to do to you what you do me,
To forget the pain and the things that burden us may that be for a momeant or a lifetime,

It's not your fault for my solitude it is my own.

When its night you are my solace,
You're my warmth,
You're my hopes and dreams,
When's its the day you're my energy,
You're my passion,
You're my drive.

You are my everything,
you're my heart,
you're my soul,
you're my happiness,
you're my love,

you are the light at the end of my tunnel ,
you are the light which drives away my darkness,
you are the light that chases my nightmares away,

but now you're gone,
the light has been extinguished,
now you're gone the tunnel begins to darken,
now you're gone the darkness returns,
now you're gone the nightmares return and plague my dreams.

now you're gone;
my hopes and dreams shrink and disappear,
my warmth begins to seep away,
my passion dwindles like a fire with no fuel.
now you're gone;
my heart drains of love, hope and happiness,
my soul tears it self apart,

Now Your Gone.

There used to be man who could stand up to anything,
To the pain and violence of people both loved ones and hated,
He used to be able to be the sheild for his family and friends,
But now stands an empty shell,
Lost never foun and never to be a man to stand up,
I am that empty shell there's nothing left inside,
Nothing to fill me up,
Nothing to give me hope,
I've lost myself once again,
I'm disconnected from life and everyone in it,
Like the wind I float along no purpose but to pass through the lives of everyone I meet,
Never to be rembeted,
Never to be held dear,
Never to be loved,
I am but a small shell of nothingness,
So there once was a man who could
Stand up to everything,
I was that man but now,
I am nothing,
Empty,
Ad floating away,
Lost on the wind,
Floating through lives,
No one wants a shell.

So I will go away travle the winds Mabey they will carry me to place far away.

For I once was but am no more.