sitting back and relaxing,
turing the screen on in my head,
i turn up the volume and cant hear anything,
the screen crackles to life,
where once there were colours there is now,

Black,
White,
Gray,

life passing by in a blur,
colours seeped out and washout,
peoples faces blur,
actions lost of meaning,

i tried to change the channel,
nothing happened,
stuck in a loop of the same colours,
the same meaningless expressions and actions,

life is a film meant to be enjoyed in colours and life and sounds.

im lost looking at the black and white screen.
Lost for what seems to be a life time.

Take my hand and join me on a adventure into the unknown.

The land of dreams and fantasies that's the unknown that we take a step into which turn into a spiral decent of madness.

Take my hand and join me on this adventure into the waters so warm and air so fresh and of mind and body that nobody can express.

Take my hand and let us explore the deepest and darkest desires and let us explore the body shaking mind shattering expirences of our fantasies.

Take my hand and join me on this adventure and let your explore yourself.

When I wake at the middle of the night I see the shinning moon high in the sky, a glowing symbol of hope that no matter how dark it may be in the world or in our minds it shows us that there is always light to be found.

But when you have lived in the darkness for so long that it becomes the only thing you know it's hard to find that light that hope.

That hope which fills our hearts and souls, that hope which tells us to keep dreaming, that hope which makes us climb to such heights but is never there to catch us when we fall.

When I wake I see the moons rays and hope that one day soon I will be able to sleep without out pain and sorrow with out anguish and sadness with out loss, but for now that hope the moon gives me drives me to madness.

A madness which pulls me to the darkness of hopelessness and pain ad sorrow, a madness which pulls apart my mind and my soul, a madness which makes me a fool to believe in hope.

A fools hope is all that I have left.

every day i ******* my armour,
tighten the breast plate,
pull on my greaves,
and ******* the sword that kills so many,

everyday its this same routine,
get up put the armour on,
and go out to battle,

everyday its the same line up,
the same people at my side,
who scream the same war cry,
but i realise that now,
the war cries don't scare anyone,
the charging lines of men,
and the clashing of shields,
have become a chore not a deadly game of death,

i trade blows with men as if it were nothing,
i joke to my self thinking what a shame i just sliced his throat open,
but really if i hadn't he would have done the same to me,
but is that really the reason why i fight is it why i keep trading blows,

but i don't know anymore,
maybe on day ill forget to bring the shield,
then the armour and finally the sword,

its a losing battle,
a battle that isn't about swords and shields,
but emotions and words,
with a battle everyday to stay alive,
but it is a losing battle,
and each day i forget something everyday,

its a losing battle and i don't know how long i can hold the line.

**** it hurts when you think you love someone,
And find out they don't love you that hurts,
But that's life,
We go through moments of
Passion and love and lust,
And yes these are good and bad.

And then you find that one person,
You be with them,
And you both say it's forever,
Then it breaks apart,
And you find out,
From the new person there with,
That you were a mistake,

A big ******* mistake,
That hurts,
That cuts deeper than anything,
The fact they can't say it to your face is like rubbing it in.

A big ******* mistake

A moment of joy,
A spark of something more,
A bolt of happiness,

But then the sudden realisation,
The pain returns,
The sorrow of what could have been,
The what could haves,
The shoulds,

That momeant of joy,
Turns to a life time of sadness.

The rolling sound if thunder,
That signifys hate and anger in ones mind,
Has come to pass today in mine,

While from time to time I let it pass today I let it go no hiding back.

That rolling sound turned to lightning,
Bright quick painful,
Sometimes it can create something utterly beautiful like glass made from struck sand,
And others the charred remains of a tree made dead.

I feel empty once again,
No life,
No love,
No laughter.

Just a faint flash of lightning.

No Army,
Can Stop An Idea,

No Bullet,
Can Stop An Idea,

No One Can Stop An Idea,
Why, Why,

Because an idea is not a person,
it is not a thing that can be shot,
or burned,
or tortured.

No.
An Idea Is A Belief.
It Is a Catalyst.
It Is everything and nothing at all at once.

An idea can be created by one person,
but shared and given power by all.

Thus....

No Army
Can Stop An Idea.

When it is nearly over
When the pain is gone
When the lies and anger ceases
And winter is my friend

'I watch as he destroys
the one I leave behind
no power left inside
And winter takes a hold

He ruined my self respect
He ruined my childrens lives
The anger and the tantrums
Are frozen now in time

Hurting and then the sorrow
The shouting and the pain
The lies and lies and lies
Winter at its worst

Emptiness surrounds me
And walls I build to keep
My sanity is fading and I know I am on the brink
Of losing my existence and will to fight the foe

When I finally have the courage
To walk away and say
I will not be bullied and I will not lay down and die
Is when the spring will melt away all the hurt of winter time

I'm in two minds,
One of love and one of hate,
She makes me so mad so angery yet I love her all the more,
She has her rules and god it's a teasing game,
The way she holds me,
The way she leads me astray,
Yet she's isn't the one I'm with,
But she melts my walls with one touch and one word.

Too bad you don't talk,
Too bad you don't care,
That you can't give a ****,
Ha if only you'd open your eyes and see,
See the truth,
You sit there high and mighty shouting at me,
Like a giant ******* thunderstorm,
And for what so you can clear your air,
Open your eyes and see the truth,
See me for what I am and not what your told,

I'm here for you,
Always for you,
Through the thunderstorms,
Through everything,
Open your eyes.

Before it's to late,
Before I'm gone.

Lay down and dream,
Open your eyes and make your dreams a reality,
Take that step forward,
And keep on going.

Lay down and dream,
Open your eyes and believe,
Believe in the future and what is to come.

Believe in dreams.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in your future.

Lay down and dream.
Wake up and smile.
Knowing you are taking that first step.
Knowing you will get there, where ever there is.
Smile knowing you believe.

Boom,
Emotional explosion,
HAHA too ******* right,
****** up right,
Just sat here steaming,
Boiling to a point of losing control,
Boom Explosion.

Boom,
Anger,
Rage,
Agression,
Its all there just under my skin,

now its raising,
up,
up,
up,
it comes,

its coming haha,
nothing i can do now,
better to just let it go.

this is what happens,
with no sleep and just nightmares,
this is what happens,
when you have nothing and no one.

this is it.
its time.

Explode,
implode,
destruction,
BOOM

theres nothing left.
no breaks,
no control.

Break me open and see what you'll find,
Break me open,
Crack open my ribs, and see,
See what is there or what is not,
Please
Tell me what you find,
I can't see anymore,
See what's real and what's not,
See what's there and what isn't,

Just look please because I can't see anymore I'm
Blind to everything from love to no love and I'm scared to be cured because I don't want to see.

A whisp of smoke,
A smidgen of mist,
And a dusten of rain,
Nothing more nothing less,
No sun, no moon,
No two lovers gazing at the stars,
Just the cold empty space,
The tendrils of mist sweeping over the hills,
The smoke moving in front of the fire,
Hiding the angry red flames of hate,
The rain so desperately trying to stop,
The fire,
But it will not stop because YOU,
stoked its flames, you fed its fuel,
But then you left, left it to die,
To wither and lose its heat,
Left it to become cold as night,
But then you expect it to be there for you,
When you left,
Expect it to keep you warm,

A whisp of smoke,
A smidgen of mist,
And a dusten of rain,
All it would have taken was one word,
But you refuse to see what you did,
Refuse to see what you made,
Happen,
So I will not stop burning,
I will not stop until you,
See.

I will burn everything to the ground just to make you see me once again.

Theres a certain clarity in solitude,
A solitude created by someone who you thought was there for you,
Who said they would be there for you,
Who said they would meet you and make you smile,
A solitude created by someone who you thought cared for you,
Who you thought would take away your fears and replace them memories of happiness,
who you thought would warm your heart,
That clarity is simple some people only care about until they have no need of you,
Until they need you to care for them,
To look after them,
To hold them,
To take away there fears,
There pain,

Solitude gave me the answer today.
A small thing it is to realise what your worth to people,
And when that worth seems to be nothing,
everything be comes clear.

Close your eyes,
And hear the world around you,
Close your eyes and see with your heart and not your mind,
Close your eyes and feel the world
Around you,
Open your hands unclench your fists,
And feel,

Let it all go the day to day crap,
Close your eyes and listen,
Open your hands and feel the wind on your finger tips.

Close your eyes and open your mind,
To the world,
To life.

come and get me,
you know you want to,
you stand there and look at me,
staring putting all your hatred in it,
so why do you grow a pair,

come and get me,
you say you will often enough,
whats are words if there is no action behind them,

come and get me you *******,
stop antagonising me,
learn the way of this world and sort your problems out.

come and get me.

Come on guys,
Get up,
Stand Up,
Lie to me,
Come on guys,
Get Up,
Stand Up,
Pull or Fist's up,
Lets get it on guys,

Come on,
Get up,
Stand Up.

Lets have this fun now Come on.

It dosnt matter really what the weather dose,
Dosnt matter what's in the way,
Who or what stands in front of me it dosnt matter,
Becuase if you call I will come
For you,
Always,

So come rain or shine,
I'll be there,
To hold your hand,
To hold you when your sad,
To wipe away yours tears,

It dosnt matter the distance,
The problems or the past,
When you call,
I'll be there at your side,
Come rain or shine.

All you have to do is call.
And I'll be there.

As i open my eyes from the nightmare that plagues my sleep and attacks my thoughts i only see darkness, an expanse of nothing;
No Light ,
No Warmth,
No Life,
This Darkness cannot be seen by others;
It is my Darkness,
My Fears,
My Demons,
This Darkness cannot be heard, cannot be smelt it is cold it devours the light that i once held in my heart it takes all that i once held it takes;
My love,
My Happiness,
This darkness leaves me with nothing but despair,
It leaves my once beating heart an empty shell,
It takes my warmth and replaces it with sadness,
where once i knew love and happiness now all i know is
Loss and Sorrow.

Darkness seeps in into,
Every crack,
Every crevice,
Darkness is like water and air,
It's everywhere ever  where this is light,
There is also darkness.

Darkness is truth,
Darkness is the friend that is always there,
Darkness knows your secrets,
Darkness knows your sorrows,

Darkness is and always will be that frotten thing that seeps out and into ever crack and crevice when we least
Expect it.

Midnight long since past,
Dawn approaches,
Sleep evades,
The mist rises,
Midnight long since past,
Dawn approaches,
Sleep lost,
The mist clings.

All for nothing the nightmares are still here even with no sleep, life and death, sleep and no sleep.

Dawn approaches faster than I can grasp,
The sun rises,
The mist dissipates,
My hope lost in the eddies of thy mist,
The day has come,
The night has lost.

Here comes the daylight war.

A spiral
A staircase
A long fall

How ever you decend it's always down,
Never do we see the light before we go,
It's forever darkness,
Never do we know what waits for us,
We think we know,
We hope we know,
Never do we get a chance to change our minds,
It's there it's easy once you've made the distance to get there.

What ever we do we decend,
I won't romanticise it it's not a decision we should make yet we do,
I won't tell you to stop because that will push you even harder than before because hell what do I know.

But I will say is this:

My mind is my prison
My body the vehicle I use
My soul the fuel
The decent my escape

Every morning it is there
Every night it welcomes me like a lover
Every time I close my eyes it becons to me
Every time I get up it threatens to pull me down

Yet I stand strong
Resting on the edge
Like running a knife across my throat hard enough to bite but not bleed
A damgours game to feel alive
To feel at all

A decent into darkness
A game we play alone

Detached,
Separate,
Lost,

These three words embodied the feeling that i have,
Lost in space,
Lost in time,
Separate from society,
Separate from my family,
Detached from this body,
Detached from this mind,

Its like a rain drop falling from the highest cloud,
Falling with no destination,
Falling on a path to destruction,

Its like a leaf falling from the highest branch in autumn,
Dead,
Dropped,
Left behind,
Nothing to hold it in place,
Nothing to keep it living,

Its like my mind had emptied,
Like a dam opens the flood gates and lets it all out,
Noting left inside,
But the mechanics of a living thing,
Hardly living at that,

These mechanics just wering away,
Keep going like its on auto pilot,
Just moving working with no path or destination in mind,
Just a machine,
Just a thing,

Detached,
Separate,
Lost,

These three words represent how i feel,
Left on auto pilot,
An unknown destination,
Just moving and working.

Do not worry,
im fine,
im okay,
i do not tear at my skin,
i do not raise the razor blade,
i do not watch the blood as it flows down my arms,

Do not worry,
you do not see what i do,
you do not feel what i feel,
you do not share my nightmares,

Do not worry,
for you have not seen my past,
and you do not see my future,

Do not worry
because you do not have my heart,
and nor do you have my soul,
for that is a dark thing full of pain.

Do not worry.

people tell me how to lead my life,
they bully me into it,
they try and mould me,
and try and tell me its simple,
and they tell me that i will bend under there will,

But this is where i say good bye to "them" because since i could think for myself,
i realised that actually life is complicated,
people lie and cheat,
they steal and ******,
they are sly and they use you,

i realised that to be my own person to find my way,
i had to take a different path,
so instead of following in the foot steps of those before me,
i didn't lie or cheat i didn't steal or ******,
all i did was to take what they gave,
and that is pain.

and i realised that,
really thats all we ever feel,
pain

it simple and easy to understand,
it hurts,
it burns,
it makes us cry,
it makes us want to die,

but we don't die we take that pain and turn it on others,
in wars and fights,
by bullying,
by ******,
by picking on the weak and pretending that we,
are strong.

when actually we are weak,
so weak we find it hard to stand in the morning,
we regret our actions,
we regret the words that have said,
and think to our selves,
why, why did i do it.

so when those people tell me how to lead my life,
and they bully me and hurt me,
i take it,
over and over again,
some say that thats being strong,
but me personal i think its because im weak,
and i cant stand the fact if i get off he floor ill just be beat back down,

but sometimes thats what we need to do,
to get up,
to take the pain,
and stand up,
stand strong,
and take control,
and lead our own lives.

I dream of a life without these bars,
I dream of a life when the darkness no longer holds me down,
I dream of a life where the darkness does not my dreams and turn them into nightmares,
I dream of a life where my nightmares no longer plague my days,
I dream of a day where my pain dose not make me cry out in horror,
I dream of a day where my sorrow does not destroy my heart,
I dream of a day when my heart does not break at the mere thought of your name,and
I dream of a day when my eyes are not filled with tears.

But these are mere dreams and fantasies but in reality, i am in pain and always will be for i lost my love my hope and my passion,
these are but dreams of a fool, because  my darkness is my own it cannot be taken or hidden or made to disappear because there are my fears and my loss and sorrow,
these are the but the dreams of a madman,
a madman is what i am,
I only see you when i close my eyes, i hear your voice like a whisper in the wind and when i wake at night a search for you but only find memories which drive me further to insanity.
I dream but as i dream i fall further into my madness further into insanity.

A dark night
A misty morning
All signs of life hidden
My mind open to the sounds of the world
But closed off from life

A dark night full of terror
A misty morning of regrets
Memories of a life befor
A feeling of longing for a time gone by

A dark night full of nightmares
A misty morning of hope
My feet move to find a new path
My heart searches for a new feeling

A dark night twisting and turning me over
A misty morning pulling me awake
My life beats my mind into submission
My eyes see all but understands nothing

A dark night
A misty morning
And still lost hope that I can't find
And still looking for the past to be the future.

The vibrations rocking your skull,
The bass trapping your thoughts as your body catches up,
The power of pure bass collapsing all thoughts of moving,

Raw power
Pure emotion
Raw bass
Pure vibration.

Dubstep watch you drop as the bass hits.

Early mornings are te best time on the day,
It's quiet it's peace swallows me,
Helps me forget the pain and sorrow,
Helps me let go of the pain from the night before,
The night of nightmares.

Early mornings are the best time during th day,
It reminds me of you,
Your smile your laugh was like the the rising sun,
The cold that sends shivers up my spin is like your touch,
The sweet song birds are like your voice whispering good morning.

But now my my mornings are empty with out you,
My mornings are filled with pain from the night before the night of nightmares and pain,
So my sweet angel remover the that each morning is a new day,
A clean slate a new start,
Smile at the world and remover the the sweet songs of the birds the warmth of the sun on your skin.

Early mornings are the best time during the day.

"Whiskey please" I ask the bar man I sit down,
I gulp it down"another",
I look at the glass reconsider my options and say" actually
Give me the bottle",

I try to drown my sorrows,
Drown out the noise,
Drown out everything,
Drip,
Drip,
Drip,
There goes the bottle and yet here I am,

Still sat here,
With an empty glass.

Welcome to the night and the darkness,
Welcome to the shadow world the opposite of the daylight,
Welcome and rejoice,

For here is the place where the rules no longer exist,
For here the air is ecstasy and the water is spirits,
For here lust and *** is currency,
For here is the last place in the world you can go.

The final frontier to explore and expolite,
The last line of morality,
The last line of a good conscience,
For here is the end of humanity.

Insecure lives of all those around us,
The dreams and hopes of all those random people,
The shedding of tears and smiles,
The wonderful sound of laughter from delicate giggles to outrageous snorts.

The world is passing us by step by step,
So lets enjoy it,
The Sad,
The Happy,
The Wonderful.

The hopeless romantics with notions of love forever till death,
To the man ****** and women of ****** needs who grab and pull at each others clothes,
The old couples who know each other better than they know them selves.

The World is life,
And We the People are the World,
The World is life.

Lets Enjoy Each Other

music blasting into my ears,
rain pelting my face like tears from a forgotten god,
wind blasting against me,
but in all this chaos i have never more alive,
the fight to put on foot in front of the other,
pure primal force of me against her the mother of all nature,
the fight to survive the onslaught.

the fight to live.

i sit here,
watching the moon,
watching the smoke from my cigarette,
streaming from lips,
curling up into the air,
and i always wish that i was the smoke,
O the pleasure i would have floating through the sky,
flying with the wind,
winding my way through the trees,
completely free,
free of pain,
of sadness,
of loss,
free of your memory,
free of your voice,
free to let you go,
but like the smoke of my cigarette,
its smoke lingers in my lungs,
like you linger in my mind,
the smoke kills me slowly,
and your memories pull me down,

so i sit here and wish that i was the smoke,
floating into the sky.

Little by little,
The passion fades,
The love falls away,
And little by little,
My soul shrivels,

You say that you love me,
But do you,
So you really love me,
Or do you say it just,
To appease me,

You said that you would be there forever,
But will you,
No you won't because really you don't want me to stay,
You want him,
And him alone,
I'm just a back up plan of a back up plan,

But yet here I am even when your love fades away,
And your passion has all but disappeared,
Mine only expands,
And my love grows stronger,

For although I am only third best,
I am still here for you shnufflepuff,
My love my be blind love and devotion,
But it is unconditional love,

Forever in love with you.
Signed

Pookie.

Two lovers lost in a world of pain,
One says goodby while the other,
Begs,
Pleads,
And cry's,
For the other to stay.

But no they leave his heart splits in two,
Tears from her eyes,
Tears in his.

They split apart staring after each other,
Lost forever is there,
Love

Forever lost and never found.

The need to forget,
Is like an addiction,
An unbelievable pain,
There's nothing like it,

I need it gone,
I need to forget it all,
I want it to become the mist from the morning,
The smoke from a cigarette disappearing Ito the sky,
Like magic abracadabra and it's gone,

I need it all gone,
Like feeling the high of nicotine,
The rush of being free,
Even if it is just for a few seconds,
To become disembodied and let it all float away,

The need to forget,
Is like an addiction,
One that I can never fulfil.

I'm done being calm
Done being the one to back down
**** this ****
**** the lies
**** the people who hurt me
Who put me down
Who tell me that I'm worthless

**** this ****
Cos I'm done
Done with Wight on my shoulders
Done with te pain
Done with anger

**** this ****
Becuase next time I get pushed or poked
I will snap
And I will end it all

So **** this ****
The demons here and it's ready to play.

*******,
who says i have to follow what you say,
**** that,
you words were poison,
your words are lies,
**** the times when you manhandle me,
**** the times you threaten,

next time you look into my eyes with rage and hatred remember,
that i was born with that too,
from you.

i sit here at night shaking cold lifeless,
the nightmares woke me again,
nothing left for me to do but endure the panic endure the pain,
nothing left but to face the fact that i will never be rid of these painful encounters.

i sit here tears rolling down my cheeks,
tears of sadness of pain of sorrow,
there is nothing i can do to stop them no dam no structure will keep them at bay,
these tears hold my pain each drop is like acid agasint my heart and soul,
each drop makes me fall further down the whole despair.

every night i sit here hoping that the shakes won't come but they always do hoping that the nightmares wont arrive but they always do,
each night i get lost and each morning i wake not knowing where i am or what my purpose is.

i am lost.
i am falling.
i have become a ghost.

There's no word
Or action
Or book
Or person
Who can describe what it's like
To truly give up

There is no reason
Nothing
That's just it there's nothing

I've tired and tried
For the love of god I've tried
For friends
Family and loved ones

But there's nothing left
Nothing to try for anymore

So I'm giving up
As I've said in poems before
I'm becoming the empty shell

That nothing
Just something that used to be and is
No more.

Giving up

Remember me and smile,
For it's better to forget me
Than to remember me and cry,
Remember me and laugh at the happy memories,
For it's better to forget me,
Than remember me and cry,
Remember me for what i was,
And not what i have become,
Remember me for my love for you,
And not for the sorrow that now is in my heart,
Remember me and smile,
For its better to forget me,
Than remember me and cry.

Smile my love for the once happy thoughts and happy memories.
smile.

Held by two
Standing on a ledge
Shadows behind edging closer
Sounds whisper past my ears
I close my eyes and feel the rush coming

Held by two
The rush stops
The sounds silence
The shadows step back

Held by two
One a friend
One my life

With out both the ledge looms
The sounds rush and the shadows push

Held by two

I can't hold on
I'm losing my grip
My fingers unravel from the edge I'm holding onto
When I fall it will be the last time
I can no longer see the reason I hold on.

I can't see why I try any more.

I hold on for the last time.

Hold your breath,
and let the air burn in your lungs,
Don't let that breath out,
Because if you do you'll lose it all,
The family,
That girl who means the world to you,
you'll lose everything,
If you let that breath out,

every breath,
every word,
every moment,
i don't speak,
i don't do anything but watch,
I'm still there with you,
Holding your hand,
Seeing your smile,
loving you to all my hearts content,

if i just hold my breath i might,
might just still be with you.

Day by Day the phone calls come,
Day by Day the knocks come on my door,
The Hounds have been released,
Baying for blood,
Baying for the liquid green blood they call theres,
Baying for my hard work,
Baying for the liquid green that i harvested,
That i Worked for,
The Pencil pushing hounds have been released.

Day by day the hounding comes.

I dont want to be afride,
I don't want to runaway,
I don't want hate,
I don't want to love.

But as human, as a man or woman we do all those things.

But I'm tired,
I'm scarred,
I'm broken and healed warped,
I'm lost.

A women once said to me that to defy life is to defy love,
And that to live we must love,
But it's too much,
I'm broken and I fear for the ones I love.

How can I love while I fear that I'm still broken to live.

I don't want to be afride,
I don't want to runaway,
I don't want hate,
I don't want to love.

But we must because that is how we are made.

There has always been one quote that has stuck with me through out my teenage life, it always made me think of us as a species, as people and of what as both individuals and as a species we are capable of,
and we really capable of so much,
Love,
Happiness,
Sadness,
Laughter,
Caring,
Hope,
And so much more, we as humans have the power to change the world,
And yet we don't,
And i Can say this because i don't believe in humans because i have been let down by so many,
I don't see the love or happiness or laughter not the caring or the hope,
I see people human beings walk past children getting beaten and abused,
I watch kids beat other kids for iPhones,
I see adults abuse kids for no reason other than they are drunk,

so many of these moments take my breath away and not for the right reasons, so many times I've lost my breath out of rage and anger over what we as humans have done and of what we have not done.

The quote for me that brings this together is this:

"Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by how many breaths are taken away"

This counts for both the good and the bad moments in life, before i die i want to see and feel my breath taken away for the right reason.

What takes your breath away, both the good and the bad??