Couldn't sleep again-
I woke up feeling lonely-
It's only Monday.

6:32 PM
11/2/20

Dear Diary;
Today is for the chocolate lovers
and the hopeless romantics.
This year,
I am not one of them.

My memories are
like dissonant wind chimes-
they shriek every time
my mind's winds blow.
Those familiar tunes still haunt me
and to this day they remain
stuck in my head.

These last few months,
I have been learning how to
separate myself from my past,
my mistakes,
and all the heartbreak
and mind ache
that I have endured.
It's easier said than done,
but I do believe we have
the ability to reinvent ourselves
and love others unlike the way
they used to 'love' me

Nothing blooms in nature
all year long,
so why should you
expect yourself
to do so?

you are the sunshine
to my storm and the cure
to all my chaos

10:04 PM
24/8/19

calling it heartache
was a gentle way
of putting it.

We embrace the darkness
with arms wide open because
we've nothing else to hold.

I may as well just
imagine you the way you
aren't here anymore

5:40 PM
13/6/22

It's when no one believes in you-
that's when you have to come through
but oh, it's such a hard thing to do.

I can’t believe you-
I can’t believe those words came
straight out of your mouth

10:33 AM
6/10/19

I do not fear losing you
as much as I fear you losing me.
Our memories are forever tattooed in my mind,
and this love, forever burning in my heart.
I know I will never lose you.
What I fear is that I will fade-
my name, my blood, my memory.
Will the winds of time extinguish this bond
or will another flame reignite the spark
that we once shared?

I do not fear losing you
as much as I fear you losing me.

I am no doctor,
but this love you are describing,
may be in your heart.
Find her, or you could die.
Or maybe this love is a poison
leaving your body.
Withdrawal *****, I know,
but then again, I'm no doctor,
I am but a stranger.
Your story has been told,
a billion times over.
Do you have a pen?
Do you have a heart?

There are demons behind these lips.
Kiss me and let them feel loved.

They sprinkled
the streets in
holy water
and locked the city down
as if it were world war II.
Maybe there is hope
for the city of light
in this world of darkness.
So send your priests,
and send your angels,
and maybe,
just maybe,
we will be alright.

Sometimes we never know
what to say at times like these;
just hollow thoughts
roaring through a hollow body
that didn’t want the awkward silences
to be their legacy.

Dear me-
I think I can
love again,
not well,
but at least
I am trying.

How do I
reach you when
all I see are the walls
you built around
yourself?

I once knew a man
who could read minds and with this,
the pain never ceased

7:24 AM
3/8/21

I look for peace
in so many people
and in so many places
where, deep down, I know
peace can never be found,
and yet the things we have a
glimmer of hope of finding it,
we run away from.
Such is the irony
of this turbulent life.

I do try
not to be a bitter person;
bitter about the life I live,
the life I want to live,
and a life that slipped away.
I do my best not to write bitterly,
And it's true, I sometimes do.
I do my best not to be so bitter,
though I can and often am.
I wonder if it's in my DNA
or because of a life so grey
But **** it,
I do my best.

Soon you will be in my arms,
and I plan to wrap them
around you like a Christmas present.
I want to spend the oceans I crossed
to reach you to swim in your eyes
and get lost in your smile
as warm as a Vietnamese day.
Indeed, tomorrow will be
a beautiful day.

Your eyes were
as warm as the sun.
To this day,
you still have me
chasing the horizon,
chasing that warmth
I felt with you.

I’m shipwrecked,
left in the dark - stranded
in a never-ending sea of despair.
I was sailing for nowhere,
doomed from the start.
No need for an anchor
when I have no destination
or no home to call my own.

She was the
best dancer
in Tennessee.
I thought she
was going to
marry me.

You and I,
Hand in hand-
we are one.
There is no distance,
no time, no fear,
that keeps us apart.  
We love without consequence
and we are free-
oh, how free we are.

I want to get lost
in another country and
forget who I am

2:06 AM
23/6/22

Every time I drink
tea I think of you and that's
a beautiful thing

6:15 PM
21/9/19

Fortunate are these
hands that get to trace your skin
from your head to toe

12:59 PM
23/10/22

Can love travel across seas?
Can it float over the ocean
or drift upon the waves?
Would love reach me
upon shores of loneliness?
I'm drowning in solitude
and you are too far
to extend your hand.

Has it been
that long already?
Such a distant memory,
it almost feels like a dream-
a dream I never wanted to wake from.
I still miss you
more and more every day.
Take me to sleep,
I want to dream
again.

This mountain
is not mine but I
feel the need to climb it.
It mirrors my aching soul
but I'm afraid to reach the peak-
a world of magic,
a world I have been
longing for.

I am calm and swell
but also a storm that
will never burn out

8:07 PM
1/10/20

2019 began
in a shimmer of hope, of peace,
a little light at the end of the tunnel
that was this decade.
And now it is time to
bid farewell,
to not only 2019,
but welcome in another year
and decade with open hearts.
Even if life didn't go according to plan,
I do hang on to the hope of a future
so very far from my past.

I’m thinking about making another world  
to a world where my sun meets another sky.
Where your hands rest in mine
and I see your smile,
glowing as bright as my sun.
It was in this world
where I learned to adore you.
You were the light in my life,
the warmth in my soul,
the twilight every night.
the sun in my sky

There's still time to find
validation, or so I
tell myself each year.

7:52 PM
14/2/20

Self love is
that sip of tea
keeping you company
like liquid glee.
Self loathing is
that bottle of ***,
your only friend
to turn you numb.
Self love is
watching the clock
strike ten forty-five
and sleep like a rock
Self loathing is
3am coming violently
as your brain screams
ever so silently.
Self love is
putting down the pen
saving that next line
for who knows when.
Self loathing is
stabbing the pen
through the paper
again and again.
Self love is
waiting out the storm
taking a deep breath
and keeping warm.
Self loathing is
hating every raindrop
and begging for
this storm to stop.

How easy it is to weep
at the memory of you.
I could never forget you
wherever you are in this world.
I have never felt this abandoned since you left,
it's like a piece of my heart went across the sea
never to return to this chest.

I see every galaxy
shining through your eyes
and every star
burning in
your smile.

It is as easy
to feel love and warmth as it
is to feel heartbreak

5:59 PM
23/6/22

I still remember
the first time I heard that warm
voice of yours that night

11:00 PM
26/5/19

she was a teacher
with a heart the size
of a mountain.
I set my sights for its peak-
as many others have
only to find myself
gasping for air.

If the sunflowers knew
what I carry in my soul,
perhaps they would wither
to the winds of winter that accompanies me.
Indeed, my sun is burning out
and it weeps for those
nostalgic flames that summer
once held dear.

You drive me crazy,
but not in the romantic way.
You turn my brain upside down;
you leave me clueless and hopeless-
your image branded into my mind
and I can't seem to drive you out
of my dreams.

It's two thirty-three-
sleep is not my enemy
or so I had thought

How many times have
you said "why won't my heart stop
beating?" before bed?

6:46 PM
7/11/20

Nothing is quite so
heavy as the unsaid words
between you and I

12:06 AM
30/9/19

I am
devouring myself
once again.

I'm not a good person,
I'm just a somebody that
does good things.
All of my sins can be
swept under the rug
in exchange for hollow gestures
and empty kindness for those
who do not mean me harm.
I am not a good person,
but it's easier to get away
with more when you wear the mask.

She is as bright
as a shooting star-
her trail brings beauty
upon this world.
Although I try to her,
she will never be within my reach.
But just to be in the presence
of such beauty is more
than I could ask for.