Sometimes we never know
what to say at times like these;
just hollow thoughts
roaring through a hollow body
that didn’t want the awkward silences
to be their legacy.

The devil must
live in the ocean.
That is why the costal cities
are nests of sin and squalor.

Sometimes I write
about women who
might not even exist.
“She” is a figment of my imagination
and “she” is perfect in all the ways
that I can’t comprehend,
but I sure as hell try
to write it down.
I sure hope that one day
I will meet her.

There are demons behind these lips.
Kiss me and let them feel loved.

I'm not a good person,
I'm just a somebody that
does good things.
All of my sins can be
swept under the rug
in exchange for hollow gestures
and empty kindness for those
who do not mean me harm.
I am not a good person,
but it's easier to get away
with more when you wear the mask.

time doesn’t heal.
it is a scheming wound
stretching out like the universe itself
until it crunches back into you;
an imploding reality.

I am always
exploding out of love
yet I still don't know how
to sort through the debris

We don't have much time,
so spend it with someone who
wants to give you theirs.

11:05 PM
29/10/19

Dear Diary;
Today is for the chocolate lovers
and the hopeless romantics.
This year,
I am not one of them.

When some days
are not so bad as others
but you’re still drinking
and miserable.
The inching hatred
of who you are
but not what you’ve done-
that’s depression.

Sometimes
it feels like
the only way forward
is a U-turn
back towards yesterday-
heading for the past.
For it is there
where my heart
doesn't want to leave.

It's not about what you lose,
it's about what you learned
from what you lose.

We embrace the darkness
with arms wide open because
we've nothing else to hold.

Mother Earth, she aches-
the more we are heating, the
more she is bleeding

10:03 PM
15/7/19

Hey kid,
I am missing you
more than usual tonight.
It's cold, it's dark, and I am sitting here
watching the winter storm all alone.
It's pouring out there-
it's heavier than the night itself.
Distant thunder bellows in the distance
but it's sure to be at my doorstep soon.
As for me, I am warm-
I can thank the comfort you give me
and your joy you radiate for that.
I am missing you
more than usual.

What strange power
the sunflowers have that,
once you walk among them,
your worries just fade away.
Like the countless sunflowers that
rise and fall,
we are born carefree
until our sun sets
one last time.

Do not forget that
you are a force of nature-
fire, ice and wind

6:03 PM
6/6/19

Has it been
that long already?
Such a distant memory,
it almost feels like a dream-
a dream I never wanted to wake from.
I still miss you
more and more every day.
Take me to sleep,
I want to dream
again.

How do I
reach you when
all I see are the walls
you built around
yourself?

You don't have to do
much to make my life smile-
I'll never forget

11:20 AM
2/7/22

There was once a bird
trapped inside a cage
of the darkest blues.
He forgot how to fly-
he forgot how to sing.
He cannot remember why
he got here with this wing.

All I want for Christmas is you,
bent over the kitchen table...
with a knife in your back,
you ******* tyrant.

some days the rain falls
just a little too loud for
me to hear my heart

1:36 AM
8/9/19

And then you held me
like you'd never let me go-
I wish you hadn't

7:09 PM
30/6/19

Sweet sunflower,
I watch you from afar.
Your petals wither and
all I want to do is shine light into your heart.
All alone in a bed of thorns you are-
I want to plant more like you and
nurture them as if they too were
the apple of my eye.

Every time I drink
tea I think of you and that's
a beautiful thing

6:15 PM
21/9/19

you are the sunshine
to my storm and the cure
to all my chaos

10:04 PM
24/8/19

In our silence,
a love blossoms once again
in these two hearts.
True love's roots burrow deeper
than any absence that has
come between us.

I’m missing what we had;
love, lust - whatever you want to call it,
it doesn't matter.
What mattered was the warmth of your touch,
that angel voice that could melt my worries away,
the safety of your hand in mine,
the safety in your arms.
Call it what you will;
you could even call it a garden:
a sea of blood-red roses,
blooming, blessing all it touched.
But like many roses,
some of them had thorns.
In the end, we found ourselves torn,
pierced and wounded from our roses.
My thorns still remain,
lodged deep in my heart;
do yours still sting?
Nevertheless,
I still tend do our garden,
do you?

You’ve been
following me out to sea
hoping to find paradise
on my voyage
but I am nothing
but shipwreck and storm;
a tsunami leaving nothing but
chaos in its wake.

What hope did we have
of ever navigating
through all of this mist?

11:10 AM
10/5/20

There's so much darkness
between us that the shadows
are afraid of the dark.

There is a palace
that awaits you-
where you can feel safe,
loved and cherished within its walls.
You will never have to share
it with another for it
was built only for you.
This palace is located in between
these two lungs and only you
hold the keys to its red walls.

How easy it is to weep
at the memory of you.
I could never forget you
wherever you are in this world.
I have never felt this abandoned since you left,
it's like a piece of my heart went across the sea
never to return to this chest.

I do not fear losing you
as much as I fear you losing me.
Our memories are forever tattooed in my mind,
and this love, forever burning in my heart.
I know I will never lose you.
What I fear is that I will fade-
my name, my blood, my memory.
Will the winds of time extinguish this bond
or will another flame reignite the spark
that we once shared?

I do not fear losing you
as much as I fear you losing me.

Love is a fickle
yet transcendent drug.
Beware its highs and lows
for the side effects
far outweigh
the addiction.

I am no doctor,
but this love you are describing,
may be in your heart.
Find her, or you could die.
Or maybe this love is a poison
leaving your body.
Withdrawal *****, I know,
but then again, I'm no doctor,
I am but a stranger.
Your story has been told,
a billion times over.
Do you have a pen?
Do you have a heart?

Your eyes were
as warm as the sun.
To this day,
you still have me
chasing the horizon,
chasing that warmth
I felt with you.

Dear diary;
I am constantly
finding myself being
devoured by every memory
that I
have ever had.

Why am I so preoccupied
with distracting myself
from me?

There's still time to find
validation, or so I
tell myself each year.

7:52 PM
14/2/20

Dear me-
I think I can
love again,
not well,
but at least
I am trying.

You've learnt an art
from within your heart
so when you break mine apart
the pieces fall into
an aesthetic craft.

It isn't always the light
at the end of the tunnel
or a brand new
sunrise
you see at first.
No, the first light
usually comes
in the form
of a person
during dark times.

I don't know
what happened to Andri.
She was too good for this world-
few are.
I hope she is doing well,
wherever life took her
and I hope that she found the
anarcho-communist commune
she had always
desired.

I'm still reading
the book she gave me
for Christmas.
Bukowski-
it's as good as you'd expect.
So why is it taking me
this long to finish?

Love is a
shout into the void-
a long wait for an echo
that may or may not come
falling back to your lips.

The goal should always
result in your happiness
or else what's the point?

4:34 PM
30/11/20

I am longing for the night-
wishing for nothing but sleep
but when the night comes,
I lay in bed,
awaiting a serenity that
isn’t so imminent.
A restlessness stirs within me,
not realizing its still hours
until dawn.

I may as well just
imagine you the way you
aren't here anymore

5:40 PM
13/6/22