I’ve been trying to keep my hands busy
to stop from feeling so needy lately.
But my hands never pick the right things.
I swear I was skinny once, but I have always thought I was fat.
I think
I’ve just been bloated from my grief, all of these years.

I’m doe eyed,
A deer in headlights for you.

You explain your nothingness to me and I swear it’s like looking into a mirror. Pressing ear to cup to hear clearer, through the worlds concrete walls.

She is so beautiful; so staining.
and maybe it never comes clean,
But I promise, it will fade.
I promise that with age,
and with time, this nothingness will change.

You are so careful of wanting me too closely, as if you’d been here before. As if it would be a reminder of her.

I feel you trying not to weigh on me.
Your heart is so heavy,
like a soaked sweater hanging off body,
after the rain.
You don’t have to worry about pouring it out on me.
Spilling your dark on me. I will sit with you until it’s dry. 
I will stay with you through the night.

I’m still doe eyed,
a deer in headlights,
for you.

My patience has been stretched inordinately thin,
My back bone has started to spear through my skin
and I will not snap it back in place
to make
you more comfortable.
I see through you
and your slimy, translucent, skin.
I promise I notice
every bit of effort you do not put in.
It sinks my heart into my stomach,
And every truth Ive been swallowing will be regurgitated and spit out before I am sick again.
My back feels like it's going to break from bending over all the cracks in your concrete,
While you step on mine,
Thinking you are somehow above me this way, but dear,
we all crack the same.
Just in different places, and at different paces.
And I have been running down only one ways
lately.
But these roads don't lead me any closer to you, they drive you away, and if you think i can run forever,
While you stay the same,
You are grievously  
wrong.
I can only give so much.
And at the end of the day,
I will love the people who reciprocate that love back, and meet me halfway.
I will love you always,
but for a love that hurts more than it heals, I can not wait, and I will not stay.

I am nothing. I feel nothing, lay down and become anything else but everything existing. I become the blankets and the pillows; still, and always inanimate, but soft, feathery, floating. I exist in my head, in your pipe, in my memories, burning away to nothing. I'm not real, right and wrong have no definitive lines and I am wrong all the time, nothing and wrong and right and tired. I sleep and become my dreams, all I want to do is sleep because I don't exist in this life. I don't exist by any means, If there is no evil, only absence of good, then I am empty; hollow. Someone cut me opened and scooped all the real and good things out, carved me like a pumpkin, and smashed me when the candle burnt out. Smashed me because I burned too loud, or not loud enough. Love slips through me the way sand slips through your hands even when you hold tightly. It would take me infinity to reciprocate any affection given to me, so it's easier to leave than to wait. I'm bruised with good intentions that keep spreading across my body and anytime something good touches me, it hurts. Anytime I feel anything, it hurts. So I became nothing. I am always nothing.

Through his scent of smoke and my perfume, I'm thinking of how this reminds me of you. Smokey rooms and root beer floats, he invites me in and takes off my coat. He couldn't hold a candle to you, but at least he was holding me. He wants to kiss me, my mind and my body are hesitant at first, being with anyone but you ******* hurts. but i can't be alone tonight and he feels better than putting up a fight again, with myself about loving you. It keeps spilling out of me like someone's gutted me, ripped me apart, and he can't put me back together again, can't fix me like you can, but he holds my hand until it gets dark. Holds my hands that are covered in my own blood from trying to keep myself together. I don't have the guts to look him in the eyes, I turn my face to the side, and watch the shadows on the wall. I didn't rest my head on his chest to hear his heart beating, because it doesn't mean anything, to me. I didn't intertwine my legs with his, because my heart is intertwined with someone else's lips, someone else's hands, someone else's heart. But it doesn't matter anyway, you don't want to me yesterday, tomorrow, or today. I'm thinking about how everyone reminds me of you, thinking about all of their bedrooms. Wondering if you remember the smell of my perfume, because no matter how hard I try to scrub myself clean, no matter how many people I let see me, who dont see me, I can't get rid of you.

It's every time i hear "baby" spilling off lips that aren't his, every time i kiss someone, and it tastes like talking in tongues, because it isn't him. Every time it rains, every window sill, it's delicate, every cigarette, every time I think I see his face, every place, that he loved me. It's every song by catfish and the bottlemen, every metal cover band, every drive, every minivan. It's every beach we never went to, every time the sunset feels warmer in my heart than on my skin. Every time their hands slide down my waist they don't waste their time like he did. Every sip of liquor on my lips, every drug every daze. Every May June July August, every haze. Every word, every bird that sounds like waking up in the morning with him. Every street we made ours at night, every firefly. Every time I pretend spilling ink on a page spelling love as his name will help me bleed him out. Every time I bleed myself dry. Every time I should let go but I don't even try, to. Every time before he left; before I loved him. Every cloudy, overcast seven AM. Everything that reminds me of lust, and love and *** and sin,
Everything that reminds me of him.

If you cut me open and turned me inside out you would find his name tangled up in my veins, and my heart would beat to the rhythms of his favorite band. I think that would be an accurate way to describe love...if my name was the oxygen in his blood, But his heart doesn't beat to the sound of me, so a more accurate thing to call it would be poison or toxicity. I don't want to love someone that lives universes away, lives forever in 17, and only touches me in 18. That person does not exist in this world, in this here and this now, he does not exist. He left me in an insane asylum and blocked all the exits. I want to stop this virus that has sprouted within me, **** myself, stop breathing, because my air is polluted with his smoke and my heart can barely hold its own. He's so different now, the way life is, but he doesn't even see me, doesn't breath near me, doesn't need me the way I need him. And I'm different now, and I wanna show him how maybe he could love this me. Maybe he'd fall in love with this me cause I want him with me, want him in my car when I listen to the bands he told me about and I wanna play him all the bands that I know now, cause he'd love them. And then maybe he would look at me again. Maybe I could tell him about a book I read, but I haven't read one since he left. The sun has gone in a full rotation around this earth and no matter how many times I've swallowed the stars and soaked up the sun, if you cut me open today his breath would still be creeping off my tongue, his favorite books would still be written inside my hands, and my heart...
would still beat to the rhythms of his favorite band.

I'm so irreparably broken, like the way your voice sounds when you're swallowing spoonfuls of sadness, force feeding yourself "don't cry" and "keep it together." I want to leave, all the trees by my house are starting to look the same, I've smudged the whole summer together with drugs, and the make up of my anatomy does not have enough sober love, to keep my heart beat steady. This whole year has been a long day that I can't separate, events spiraling up and down, crescendoing in the worst and best ways. The higher I fly the lower I fall, and I've been flying pretty ******* high lately, trying to stay pretty while I cry lately, And I cant figure out how to live with myself lately. I want to shed this skin that has been stained by everyone that's left me. Peel it back so someone will see me bleeding. Their hands are closing around my throat and clawing at my face dropping weights on my body, crushing me beneath the surface, into the ground, further and further, I want to leave, and I can feel their venom spread through my body the way the tide creeps in, except this tide doesn't just roll back out. It destroys everything in its path. Like a tsunami getting ready to do the real damage; this is only the calm before the storm. Evolving hurts, transition hurts, maybe Its just growing pains. But If this is my chrysalis, then someone please cut me open and let me die because being whole is not worth these growing pains. I'm tired of loving people more than they love me. Number one isn't a synonym for my name in any of my lovers, friends or family's vocabulary.
I want my love back, cause you can't make something from nothing and I am always nothing to you. Or not enough something to matter, not enough anything for anyone to require my heart. Please let me leave, let me drive into the sun until my sins feel like the fire that keeps me going. Until the dead winter inside of me melts into my lungs and I no longer need to breathe. This earth is so ******* beautiful,
but I want to leave.

Will I always be like this? Will I always be stuck mourning moments And memories, that lie like Mirrors? And hurt like mornings when facing the world is worse than the words you've sewn into my sides. Worse than leaving me like nothing, After staying the night? Will You always taste like a sour candy that I can't quite swallow? you'd have to **** certain parts of me to stop trying.  Will I always find you on specific days, When the sun is shining or setting on the sand? spring showers surely bring me back to loving you, or you loving me, and spring comes with new beginnings, But all beginnings end, and cutting ties hasnt changed that my heart can not make amends with being whole. Will my sadness always peel itself back, paving perfect paths to missing the parts of you that didn't hurt me? Picking me apart and Separating me, as if you are a god and I am the sea? Will I always be stuck knowing which one it is when you Look at me with love or lust but never letting you go enough to erase every feeling of ecstasy you ever gave me?
Will I ever move on from the reconstructed memories that are always under construction, So I never have to admit how agonizing it is to have a part of me waiting for a wrongly remembered, worthless, withering excuse of a human being, who has no guilt, no shame, no eyes that can ever really see me, Can ever really see, my heart. You were my favorite melody, melting me so mercilessly, molding me so delicately, dancing with me until the drums switched beats, until the beat of my heart wasn't strong enough to hold myself together, until you got tired of the way the tune sounded, until you tore me up and tacked your name to my throat, So now anytime I try to sing, Im stuck screaming the sounds that you never intended to sing along with me.

cigarette smoke,
hands,
almost watching on the stands,
star wars,
baseball
snowflakes fall,
hands,
lines on hands,
lines in books.
lying under the stars,
lying.
4 am, tangled sheets,
4 months ago you wanted me.
drinking,
laughter,
drunken ever afters.
holding hands,
holding you,
holding me,
bands,
metal bands
metal heart.
a simple start,
kissing in the dark,
talking in the dark,
Darkness all around me.
early mornings,
driving,
red lights.
Early nights,
walking,
fights.
Fireflies,
fire,
moonlight.
Speeding,
heart beating,
Coming around the bend,
laying on your chest,  
Coming to end.
running out of time.
singing songs,
ticking,
Timing,
Leaving,
Gone.