If you looked closely,
You might notice,
The dark circles under her eyes,
The creases in her forehead.

If you paid attention,
You might notice,
Her bitten down fingernails,
The dead look in her eyes.

If you really looked at her,
You might notice,
The tear streaks beside her eyes,
The tiny scars on her arms.

If you watched her,
You might notice,
The way she looks sad when someone says love,
The frown she wears when no one is watching.

But if you didn't pay attention,
You would see,
A kind, humorous, and loving girl
Who has so much ambition.

I have many secrets
That I have never
Told a single soul
But I have many lies
That everyone seems to know.

Don't forget my smile,
Especially on my rough days,
Don't forget my laugh,
When we were being rowdy,
Don't forget my friendliness,
Even when people didn't deserve it,
Don't forget my quirky habits,
That I always found fault in,
Don't forget how I chose my words,
And how I made every sentence count,
Don't forget how I wrote,
The flow of words on paper,
Don't forget my favorite things,
All the colors and my jersey numbers,
Don't forget my obsessions,
The many hours of reading,
Don't forget my love for others,
And how I was fascinated with other lives.
Don't forget my love for food,
The way I would criticize everything,
Don't forget my life,
Don't forget how much I lived,
Don't forget me,
When I'm gone.

Losing something you love,
Or someone, rather,
Gives you many emotions.
At first you are sad,
For no longer having,
Then you get angry,
Because your love was taken.
Later, depression sometimes sets in,
Because you have been without.
It may seem these emotions
Will never end,
But, it does.
It may take days, weeks, or years
When you begin to feel nothing.
Empty.
And you realize,
A part of your soul
Had been lost too.

I stood at the edge of the cliff
Thousands of feet in the sky.
And I asked myself,
How do I know
I cannot fly,
If I have never tried?
I pondered on the question,
And realized,
I needed to find out.
So I jumped.

Stop.
Step back.
Take a glance,
Reflect on your actions.
So many of us,
Make choices without thought,
Make mistakes without care,
But we do not understand
The consequences.
So I believe we all
Should take a moment
And stop.

How long have I been
Nothing but a shadow
In my own life?
Dwelling in the darkest of places
With little light.
The old me tries to chase shadow me down.
But it means nothing.
I am stuck in a world
That even I do not understand anymore
It is a world filled with shadows.
But I can do nothing,
Until
I find myself again
In the light.

Yes, I believe you.
I always believe your stories.
You would never lie to me.
You always tell the truth.
I trust you with my life.

Wait, what is this?
What are they saying?
I don't understand.
You are a liar?
What is that pain I feel?
Why have you stabbed me in the back?
Friend?
...Friend?

How could I have
Been so blind?
To not see the explosion
Happen before my eyes?
It all happened so fast.
Didn't hear the bang,
Didn't even see the light.
Didn't even know it happened,
Until my skin got tight.
And I got burnt.

It's a strange thing,
Sadness.
How it comes and goes.
Happy one second
Staring out the window the next.
Listening to Coldplay
While the tear slides down my cheek.
So dramatic.
I know.
But it happens,
All the time,
When I ask myself,
Why do I allow myself to be happy,
When so much bad has happened?

You see,
The thing is,
I'm standing on an abandoned road
That goes two directions.
I can only choose to go one way
Because the distances are so far.
I need to find my direction
And go that way.
But,
I have no car
No bike.
I must walk.

I guess I will never understand
Why it was so hard for me
To say hello to you.
The hello that would allow us
To open doors,
To figure each other out.
But now,
It is so easy
To say goodbye.
To close those doors,
To never want to see you again.
I guess I will never understand.

You left me,
As I sat in a puddle of my own tears.
Didn't even say a word.
As you walked out the door.
And you didn't even bat an eyelash.
When the room filled up with the salty water.
When I drowned.

Cry me a river,
In fact,
Cry me two.
I am sick of hearing,
All about you.
You never once stopped
To ask about me.
While I sat and listened
To all your sob stories.
I love you,
But I need you to know.
I can't listen to you.
You are self-absorbed.
And I can't help you.
Even if I wanted to.

Why should I be afraid
Of the dark?
It accepts me into its shadows,
It comforts me in the night.
It allows me to be unseen.
I have become friends with the boogeyman,
And the monster under my bed.
Why should I be afraid
Of the dark?
When I have lived here
For years?

Let my words reach you
As your words reach me,
Let us teach
Each other lessons
Through our writing
Let us help each other
Through hard times
And understand each other
When we make no sense.
Let us write poetry.

You would never know
By my silence
And my smile.
That I hate myself
And I hate everyone else, too.

You would never know
By the way he drinks his alcohol
Every night,
That he wakes up early every morning,
To water his daughter's memorial flowers.

You would never know
By the way she laughs at others
That she is afraid.
That one day,
She will receive the laughter.

You would never know
By the exposing clothing she wears
That when she was younger
Her stepfather
Taught her a lesson.

You would never know
By the way he bullies others
That when he goes home
His father,
Bullies him.

You would never know
Just by looking at us,
That we are all messed up.

When I was little,
A year seemed like infinity.
I had time to run around
And do what I wanted.
But now,
I am older.
And a year from now,
I will face new challenges.
But I'm not ready.
The time is going by too fast.
And I just can't seem
To run fast enough.

How easy it would be,
To cry myself to sleep
After a bad day.
But I won't.
Even when I'm all alone.
I tell myself I'm too strong to cry.
But the truth is,
I'm saving these bad day tears
For a special moment.
The day the dam will burst.
The worst day of my life.
The day I lose you.
And it has not come yet.

I try my best at everything.
I push myself to my greatest lengths.
I always get back up,
When I fall down.
Something good may happen,
Every once in a while.
And I feel okay for some time.
But then it happens again.
I fall.
I tumble.
I crash and burn.
I cannot stop falling.
I cannot stop failing.

But,
What if we have it all wrong?
What if reality,
Isn't what we think?
What if our dreams were reality?
A world where we can fly,
Lounge above the clouds
Have super powers,
Fall in love with no complication,
Always beat the bad guy.
Why do we always-
Have to accept that we are stuck,
In such a horrible world
When we have the power to go other places?
Why can't sometimes,
We just dream?

"You don't look like you write poetry.."
Well, why not?
Is it because I am an athlete?
Is it because you misinterpret my personality?
Is it so hard to believe,
I can put my thoughts down
In a way I feel better?
Tell me,
Tell me please.
What does a poet look like?
Do all of them look the same?
Act the same?
Messy hair and beanies.
Scarves and hot tea.
Hipsters.
Suicidal or lovestruck.
Black or white.
The "artsy" types.
Typical stereotypical ideas of poets.
But we are not the same.
We are all different,
Except for one thing,
We all understand each other.
So please never judge me again,
Just because you don't understand
Our world.

How is it that you don't think I know?
Acting completely different,
This isn't you.
The more you do this,
The more you get under my skin.
It makes me angry.
You are only looking for attention.
I have only one thing to say.
Be careful,
My friend,
For you will eventually find
The attention you were looking for.
And it will be different than you thought.

I stumbled,
And I fell down a dark hole.
I ended up with plenty of bruises,
As I hit the jagged edges on the walls.
I fell for a very long time.
But,
I finally hit the bottom.
It was the worst pain-
I had ever experienced.
But all that mattered-
Was that I was alive.

My favorite time to go to the ocean-
Is when the crowds leave,
The umbrellas go away,
And the darkness of night falls upon the sand.
The stars glisten like the diamonds they are,
And I just sit,
And listen to the waves pound against the shore.
Because no one else is around,
They tell me their secrets,
And speak to me stories of long journeys.
I listen for hours until I become tired,
It makes me sad to leave,
But I can only wish,
To come back tomorrow.

I swear to you-
Go to any ocean or mountain view,
And I'll be there.
I might be sitting in a chair,
Or perhaps upon a rock,
Or maybe I'm just standing,
Admiring.

You will know it's me,
By the way I am looking at the beauty.
I will be smiling.
My eyes will be shining.
I might even close my eyes,
And just listen to the songs of the world.
You will recognize me immediately.

Join me.
Join me and we will admire together.
Come find me,
And sit beside me.
We will love the world together.
All you have to do is recognize me.

I promise you.
Go somewhere beautiful,
And I'll be there, too.

Sometimes-
I wish you would look behind my eyes,
And listen to me when I'm silent.
I wish you would pick through my thoughts-
And automatically know how I feel.
I wish you could see the view I have of the world-
That I cannot explain out loud.
God, I wish you could see what I think,
When I'm silent.

Sometimes when I feel sad
I go outside-
And I look at the stars.
I can always trust in them,
For they will always be there
Day and night.
The billions of diamonds in the sky.
As I lie on the ground and hear what they have to say,
They tell me beautiful and heroic stories,
And sometimes if I listen to them long enough,
I forget why I'm sad,
And tell myself to be brave
Like the stars.

Will today be the day?
When I try to be better,
Do better?
When I become who I always was
The person I am supposed to be,
And not an empty shell?

I can remember,
How good it felt-
To be the old me.
How I wish I could go back,
Will today be the day?
The day I change?

It's funny,
Isn't it?
How life can be so cruel,
Yet so giving.
But you choose how to spend your time.
The things you want to happen,
The little things you get excited for,
That will make you happy,
They will seem to take a long time,
Very slow.
And you don't like to wait.
You will learn to stop getting excited for things,
And they will begin to come and go,
Quicker than ever.
You will realize that by giving up this wait,
The wait for excitement or happiness,
You are seeing your life flash before your eyes.
But you don't care anymore,
Because it's too late.

The sun bore onto my back
As I walked the street alone.
It burned.
It really did.
But I needed it.
I had taken this walk away from happiness.
And I was beginning to die inside,
But the burning on my skin,
Kept me feeling alive.

We are wild.
We are free.
We grow together in disarray.
Never knowing right and wrong,
Going in our own directions.
Sometimes we get cut down,
And put back into a controlled state.
Sometimes we flourish in the sunshine,
Uncontrolled and successful.
We encounter both paths.
But we find our ways to ourselves.
We are all part of a wild rose garden,
We are humans.

And then in the end,
She collapsed into herself.
And she cried.
She cried like there was nothing left.
Because there wasn't.
She was alone.
Or so she thought.
Because when she closed her eyes,
She was surprised by what she saw.
Everyone she had ever lost was right there.
They grasped her tight in an embrace.
She realized then
That even when she felt alone,
The memories of the ones she loved,
Would stay by her side forever.
And she would never be alone.

And then you were gone-
No goodbyes,
No last words-
You floated away out of existence.
It was as if you never were there.
And I missed you-
Missed you in a way only I could.
I missed the torn half of my heart,
That seemed to crumble to dust,
When I found out you were gone.
And I cried.
It was a hurricane sweeping the pain away.
I knew I'd be alone,
And I hated it.
Because I was your daughter.
And I was alone,
Left by my best friend-
My father.
And you left me here

I see you everywhere.
I see you in the sky-
As a big plump, curious cloud.
I see you in the ocean-
Along with the dolphins and the sunset.
I see you in the mountains-
Because you loved them so much.
I see you in the night sky-
For you are now one of the stars.
I see you in the meadow-
Because the flowers remind me of your colorful eyes.
But most importantly,
I see you in myself-
And I would not care to be anyone else.

When you need a friend's help,
Do not fret.
Do not fear.
Your best and only friend is near.
Trust only them.
Turn around and face Her-
The one who understands you best.
Turn around and look in the mirror-
Where only your face appears.
Because everyone else made a mess.

They are blind
They only look with their eyes,
But they do not see.
They can't witness-
The beauty of something,
Without a picture

They are deaf
They only hear with their ears,
But they do not listen.
They hear their cellphone ring
But never do they listen-
To the beautiful songs of birds

They choose to be disabled
What they think is important is not
They refuse to observe the world-
It's beauty and all its greatness.
They choose to die without knowledge.
They choose a life without living.

I wish to go back to the day-
When we first met.
It was the day I let my guard down,
And I let you into my mind.
That was my first mistake.
One I will never make again.
Trust nobody,
I should've thought
To let me know to turn around.

Because maybe then,
I thought you were a friend.
But you were just the beginning to an end.

Do you see him
Haunting silently in the dark.
Of course not.
He is well hidden
He only hides,
Because he fears
Everything around he hears.
He knows what he is.
He cannot show himself to the world.
It is too dangerous.
But
He will never be free
Until he just lets go.

This is the end of the beginning,
For it will never be more-
This is the end of the burdens,
You gave me to endure.
This is the end of a friendship-
That I didn't want anyway, before.
This is the end of a nice girl-
Who always opened stressful doors.
This is the end of the lies-
Because of the attention you were looking for.
This is the end of it all-
Because, I just can't do it anymore.

I am the Ice Queen-
Hardening others' souls.
When I'm not hurting others,
I shiver in my own cold.

I am the Ice Queen-
Ruining hopes and dreams.
When I'm not making others cry,
You can hear my screams.

I slowly reveal myself-
The thick molasses starts to thin.
I look to them,
I expect judgment.
They just look at me with listening eyes,
And that's when I know.
I am free.
Thanks to them, I am free to be me.

A simple book I have chosen
My world has changed
Summer becomes winter-
I become someone else,
I live a new life.

This is my safe haven
This new world.
I stay for as long as I can-
Before returning to reality.
But I do not wish to return.

My book is now over.
What am I to do?
Reality does not call my name.
Perhaps I do not belong in reality.
Perhaps I need a new story.

Today was different.
I laughed.
I smiled.
I lost my frown.
I was different.
Yes, today was a good day.
Because today was different.

What am I supposed to do,
When my biggest battle
Is with myself?

The more I fight,
The more I give in.
For it is neverending.

The struggle with myself,
Day in and day out,
Is my only true battle.

I feel it in my bones.
I need it.
I want it.
But I know I can't.

The urge is so great.
Will I falter?
I know I must stop.
But it seems to make me feel better.

The thought of it
Tapping against my thick skull
I must not falter.
But I always do.

It only takes one second
For me to become attached
And it only takes one second
For us to come apart.

Ripped at the seams,
This attachment.
Something that started so small,
Ended so devastatingly.

All these lost memories
Gathering dust.
Important things.
Forgotten.

So easily thrown into piles.
What used to be you.
Is long gone.
What happened?

The memorable pictures.
The ones you just can't throw away.
Lie in the back of the drawer.
Until it is time to clean again.

Maybe it will be easier next time.
Throw away these memories.
But deep down I know.
I never will.

The surprise
As the cake comes toward me.
The amazement
As I gaze at the number.
Sixteen. Sixteen candles.

The embarrassment
As people surround me and sing.
The disappointment
When I make the very same wish
That never comes true.

The wonder
As my mother stares at me
The sadness
As I know I feel
Without my father here.