a bitter and cold journey
for the daily dose of coffee
of a girl who’s silently
screaming ‘save me’

In a cold rainy night
The rain fell with all its might

Cold winds wrapped theirselves around my fragile form

Swiftly knocked the loneliness out and replaced it with something out out norm

The cold seeped through my inner self and  made me feel less alone

It brought me something I was hoping people would give

It brought me companionship I never thought it could provide

An unusual source of life
A weird outlet of frustrations Yet it gave me the comfort no person can give

THE UNIMAGINABLE PAIN
THE MERCILESS TORTURE
THE ENDLESS SUFFERING

You freed me from the demons of my past

You uncaged me from my stinking prison

You emancipated me from the restraints of my own darkness

You rid me of sufferings and replaced them with joy

I didn't know that while you're all doing this for me, you suffered.

I have imprisoned you while you did your all to get me out

I have dragged you to my darkness while you tried so hard to let me out


I had left you to deal with my own demons while I enjoyed the freedom you gave me

I lent you selfishness while you gifted me with sacrifices

I had abandoned you, and I don't know how to get you back

I gave you the total opposite of what you gave me

Will you be back for me?

I was not enough
Still not enough
And will never be enough.

I was not good enough
Still not good enough
And will never be good enough

But I am useless enough
Careless enough
Frustrated enough
Clueless enough
Lonely enough
Mad enough
Ugly enough
Stupid enough
Lacking enough
Furious enough
Scared enough
Insecure enough
Dumb enough
Afraid enough
Monster enough
Sad enough

Does that count?
Am I already enough?

P.S. This list is not even half of my original list.

You're someone, I'm a nobody
You have everything, I have nothing
You're loved by everyone, I'm the hated one
You're the big sparkly star, I'm the little filthy dust
How can someone like me reach someone like you?
How can a mere stone be worthy of a precious gem?

Just like how the once green leaves fall slowly to the dusty ground
And the once strong and thick branches, break and fall

He gave up

Just like how the beautiful sun, slowly sets to the ground and leave
And how the blinding light succumbs to the darkness

She gave up

Just like how the clouds lost all its strength,finally loosens its hold over the rain
And how the pouring raindrops slowly fell down without fear

They both gave up

It's not too hard right?

He told her she was the most beautiful thing in the world, but he lied.

She heard him promise that his love will never fade, yet he lied.

He said he'll never leave her, and guess what? He lied.

She believed him when he said he will never lie again. It was stil  a lie.

He told her he was lying all along and that was the last lie she received.

You sincerely don't know anything.

2.You perfectly know the answer but you also know that there are some things that are better left unsaid.

How can they look at me, when I don't even want to look at my own reflection?

How can they listen to me, when I can't even take hearing my hideous voice?

How can they accept my flaws, when I can't even deal with mine?

How can they be happy for me, when I can't even be glad for my own sake?
  
How can they love  me, when I can't even love my own self?

How can I take care of others, when     I can't even look out for myself?

How can I accept other's flaws, when I am so caught up on my own?

How can I be there for others, when I'm already crumbling on my own?

How can I make them laugh, when I can't even give myself a little smile?

How can I love thy neighbors, when I can't even love my disintegrating self?

'Please stop me.' feelings shouted
As she desperately fought her way
Out of her deep hidden cage

if it was meant to stay
then it would have
what if it was meant
to be lost all along?
what if you're holding
on to the wrong one?
try to think about it

Walking on this cruel world
One cannot be bold
Fake truths are hidden
Real lies are flaunted

Authentics are hardly  distinguished from synthetics
True ones are mingled with the sinners
Pure ones are tainted with the abominations

Masks flew from one face to the other
Hiding from one problem to the other
When will we stop?
*When will this end?

The sun would leave when darkness came
But the moon will never do the sun's doings
A perfect friend during the lonely nights
Who wouldn't leave us when the day comes
Witness to your silent tears and grief
Seemingly aware of the fear and anxiety
Perfectly flawed
Perfectly imperfected
An entity unworthy of humans
Glowing over the pitch black darkness


The moon knows what it feels like to be human - imperfect and flawed.

A perfect companion on a lonely night
The only star that shines bright

A perfect shield behind the real danger
The only thing that could seal the underlying anger

A perfect sound amidst all the noise
The only thing shining amongst the crowd

The light to the dark path ahead
A beacon of hope when everything else fails

The colors to the deaf world
A glimpse of sound to the blind man

The life source of the dying
A rope  to the falling girl

The reason to continue to exist
A simple yet big reason to live

and yet she didn't even flinch
at the sight of him softly kissing
another girl's lips
for she always and fervently knew
that he will not and never be hers
and that she will never and be absolutely not his

"There will always be a next time."

But what if this is the last time?
What if there will never be a next one?
What will happen to the ones hoping and expecting?
What will happen to her?

She would always wait for the forgotten next  time even if she know it will never come.

She's not a person.
She's not a human being.

She's just a huge pile of frustrations
sprinkled with endless uselessness;
glazed with overflowing insecurities.

But who is she  to complain? She is just a mere pawn of this ****** chess game.

The more you push me up
The more I'll go down

The more you want me to be white
The more I'll turn brown

The more you press me in
The more I'll want to go out

The more you pressure me,
The more I'll eat it all in and slowly build up the tension and explode

The more you expect something from me
The more I disappoint you

The more I think about everything,
The more I slowly **** myself

The darkness yearns for the light yet the light craves for the darkness.

We are all the same buildings
But with different foundations
Variety of colorful and bleak paints
And the mismatched furnitures inside us
That make us look -complete otherwise

We really can't recognize happiness as much as we recognize and name pain or sadness.

It's so easy for us to say that we are sad and lonely yet we can't even bring to admit and say that we are happy.

We can describe and picture pain  down to the last detail yet we can't say a single word about bliss.

Why is that?

Look into her eyes and see the the reflection of the ocean's breathless beauty

Stare at his orbs and witness the ocean's beauty reflected in her breathless eyes

She's so down
She can't dig back up
No matter how hard she pushed
No matter how hard she struck the boulder
She can't even make a single dent

She's so drowned
She can't even swim back up to breathe

No matter how hard she struggled
No matter how fast she flailed her arms
She can't even move herself a bit back up

She's so broken
She can't even count her pieces
No matter how hard she picked
No matter how strong she held on
She would always break down like a paper castle every single time

She's so lost
She really can't find herself
No matter how hard she looked
No matter how fast she ran
She's still that lost, broken and drowned girl stucked in the swallowing darkness

It's hard to e the girl who couldn't  do anything to ease your pain
To be incapable  of stopping the building turmoil inside you like a rain

It'snot easy to be the girl you wouldn't even dare give a simple glance
To be that girl from afar whom without asking-you wouldn't even give a chance

It's difficult to be that girl you wouldn't dare to bother
To be that simple and plain girl among millions of *other

Keeping everything at bay
Forcing the smiles to stay
Why is it so hard to disagree
When every inch of my being agrees

Pitch black darkness is all I see
The brightness of the light I can never foresee
What is expected to be left
When hope is not even there

Desperate to drink an ounce of happiness
Even though it produces another liter of agony
Why is the world so cruel
To an undeserving person like *me

My head is completely blank
Completely dark
Completely blank
Completely uncertain
Completely lost

I feel so lost and misplaced
Where can I fit in?
Where do I really belong?

lost memories;
unwritten words,
fleeting thoughts

I build hopes and dreams
Only to be demolished
By this harsh thing called
*R E A L I T Y

I don't really know if this is pain I'm feeling

It felt foreign yet very familiar at the weirdest ways

It almost felt like home

It almost felt like my mother lulling me to sleep

But one thing I only know is that I'm so used to be in pain that I can't even recognize it anymore