leaving doesn’t mean i didn’t care
or that i no longer liked the taste
of your lips pressed deeply against mine
leaving doesn’t mean i didn’t love you
it doesn’t take away the meaning
of words spoke
of feelings felt
leaving just meant i couldn’t keep
loving
you
for it was bad for my health
leaving, leaving, leaving
the most popular word in my vocabulary
a topic flooding my mind for months
repeating, repeating, repeating
make it stop

leaving looked like
a strict diet of fingernails
and bones crushed into salt
it was swallowing chalk dust to begin the day
shoving shards of glass into the scars of my heart
trying to get my feelings to change
*** and *** and *** and ***
maybe it would awaken the part of me that still loved you
it was ripping myself from the comfort of my own home
standing alone in the woods
it was being afraid of the dark
and nightmares upon nightmares upon nightmares
it was swallowing my own heart
but leaving you..
it lead to a fresh start

this is a letter to all of those
who stumbled upon my dull eyes
and poetic words

i apologize to those who participated in
whispered i love you's and dreams shared
for watching from afar as your cared for me
a half of a whole

you held my body, empty
my soul scooped out of myself
like an acorn squash during winter months
nothing left but the skin
and my soul out among the wildflowers
searching for the missing parts of me
searching for my home

i placed my body in your hands
letting you sip the wine that made up me
drizzling you in honey, in sweetness, and in light
for i knew you would protect me
scrawling poetry into the broken bits
the unfiltered bits
you would cause me to feel something on cold winter nights

i am sorry that when my soul stumbled home
bringing home the bits that were missing
that you were left alone
standing in the dark under streetlights
unsure of where you went wrong
broken promises and dreams in your hands
drowning in your own love
suffocating on your sunshine
cursing yourself for loving too hard

i am sorry for hurting you
but thank you for loving me
even when i left you lonely

you and i
we will never see each other again
there won't be shared smiles
an awkward hello
or an awkward goodbye
you,
you were a part of my past
a necessary part
a good part
a painful part
and in the moments
you held my heart in your hands
you were exactly what i needed most

lavender resonates in the air
of the bedroom, we never shared
the sheets are clean, never dirtied
for our love was never spilled there
only tears from tired eyes
tears from silent goodbye's
after love was dead and gone
and i was alone at dawn
so, desperate to put my eyes to rest
i ripped the lavender from my chest
the lavender that grew
from every whispered i love you
i doused my pillows and sheets
with every last bit hopeful for sleep
it's sleep i never got
rather just melancholic rot
and now the smell of lavender makes me sick
as it reminds me of you
and the days and nights that ended too soon

that girl will turn you into poetry
she will write about the way your starry eyes shine so brightly
when talking of the things you're passionate about
she will write about falling in love with a mind more potent than
any drug and laugh like wind-chimes
she will write about the way your voice sounds at 3am, the way your
eyes crinkle when you smile, and the way you look at her when you say "i love you"
that girl will turn you into poetry
she will catch every little thing you do
every tilt of your head, every fidget with the sheets, every nervous laugh, and every shy smile
she'll analyze the meaning behind them and put them on paper because she's fallen in love with the things you didn't even realize you were doing
that girl will turn you into poetry
she will memories the feel of your hand in hers, the shape of your mouth, and the sound of your heart thumping as she lies on your chest
that girl will love you like a poet
so be gentle, for many poets die of a broken heart

when i open my eyes
all i see are the ghosts of yesterday
their silhouettes dancing along my walls
in the morning light
i see all of the promises broken
wishes left unspoken
and my heart longs for something
something it's never truly known

but when i close my eyes
i see you and i
lost in the forest of your eyes
your lips deeply pressed against mine
fireworks illuminate the sky
and for once my heart beats slowly
it doesn't long for anything
for once i feel at home

i am writing and writing but nothing good is coming from these ink stained pages. the smell of lemon grass surrounds these brick walls and a feeling all too familiar fills my soul. flashes of bubbly laughter and eyes so alive. the sun shines through the window casting light onto the walls surrounding me, but despite all of the light all i see is darkness. despite only writing about the good, about the soft and warm things, about love and lust. despite thinking only of your hands tangled in my hair and your lips deeply pressed against my neck, the things that should set my skin on fire but instead leave me ice cold. unable to feel the warmth, trapped in the winters of yesterday, my favorite sweater no longer bringing comfort.
maybe i am lost
maybe i am alone

we met when we were both unraveling.
i was speeding around in my car with music blaring not caring if one day i never went home and you pushed away the truth because you didn’t like the sound of other peoples opinions

you were a breath of fresh air, someone who cared about the crazy thoughts in my head and you called them poetic when sometimes i wish you would’ve just reminded me that it’s okay to cry, i don’t have to appear happy and strong all of the time

i was a thunderstorm of emotions and as i stood in the pouring rain i watched as my house burned down. instead of opening up and telling you i let it rip apart my insides because i didn’t want to burden you with the reality that you couldn’t fix it, you couldn’t fix me

i was a book shut tight, with an unbreakable lock keeping me closed and you were silent and didn’t like the taste of my name in your mouth until it was too late. together we were a mess, a storm of emotions, an unhealthy love affair

"you're so strong"
something i have heard a billion times
because i know how to fake a smile
and stop the tears from flowing from my eyes
i am not strong
but i am not weak
i'm just struggling

you don't see everything
you don't look past the curtain of artificial sunshine
or take the time to read the book that is me
you don't see the nights consisting of no sleep
of vomiting and crying
laying on the cold bathroom floor
the days i don't want to live anymore
the days where changing my clothes
is far too hard

i am struggling
carrying around concrete feet
dragging a backpack full of bricks
handfuls of emotions
of trials
of errors
and no space to put them
but smiling for all of the right people
saying the things i know need to be said
keeping attention far away
because to you, i am strong
to you i can concur the world
and oh how i wish i could

why did you come back?

why did you write poems along my inner thighs and trail your fingertips along my spine as if i were your favorite book if you had no intentions of staying?

why fill my heart with liquid sunsets and my eyes with the most extraordinary constellations if you weren't going to stay awhile and admire the beauty of the affect you have on me?

why did you whisper "i love you", read my favorite poems, and cause flowers to grow deep within my rib cage?

why come back and make me feel as if everything was alright?
that this, this was our second chance and that you and i were the beginning of something beautiful

why strip me to the bone and see me at my most vulnerable when you were just going to rip the flowers from my rib cage to give to her?

why come back if it was her the entire time?

my world hasn't stopped spinning since you left
diagnosed with vertigo
a constant whirl of hazel eyes
a monotone voice on replay
a skipping record in my head
unsure of which direction i'm going
one second i'm next to you in bed
wrapped in white sheets
your breath hot against the back of my neck
and the next
i'm surrounded by darkness
i turn for you and
i sink deeper into this empty bed
love becoming a word covered in dust
i am covered in dust
trapped in the memories of yesterday
trapped in my own head
constantly spinning

four walls surround me
my things rest on shelves
and within dresser drawers
my name is etched into the pillows
claw marks on the mattress
clothing littering the floor
specks of my dna live here
it’s been
398 days
10 hours
42 minutes
and 36 seconds
since i unpacked
and still it doesn’t feel like home
my things surrounding me
but they don’t feel like mine
the walls sigh my name
but it doesn’t sound like my name
i am a stranger in this place
a place that is supposed to feel safe
a place where i am supposed to live freely
happily
i long so desperately for a space
where i don’t solely reside within my bedroom
trapped in the confines of my bed
a space where i don’t step quietly
not wanting too much of me to be seen
a space where i can sing and dance freely
where i can etch my truth into the walls
and talk to the skeletons in my closet
a space where i don’t feel my breath is limited
careful you don’t say the wrong thing
because the walls may collapse
because the streets may become all you know
i just want a space of my own
a space where the walls sigh my name
and i can say “yes baby, i’m home”

who knew five words could cause my heart to fall hard onto the tile floor beneath me

who knew five words could cause rivers to pour from my eyes, my swollen heart the only thing keeping me afloat

who knew five words could make me unable to leave my bedroom for weeks. a blue bird who had her wings clipped, a song bird locked in her cage

who knew five words could cause so much pain

for 8 years i have been wrapped up in him
memorizing every part of him
the way you memorize
the lyrics to your favorite song
but despite sharing a bed
and falling into each other every night
i don't think he knows me
not really

he doesn't understand why i bite the insides of my cheeks
or pick my fingers ******
i haven't introduced him to the demons resting on my chest
or the skeletons in my closet
he hasn't had midnight conversations with the monsters in my head
never truly seeing all of the bad
the hurt
the confused
maybe it's time he danced with the things haunting me
took a look into the book that is me
i think it's time he knows me
really knows me

she tucked her feelings deep into the walls of her heart
with her quiet words and unwritten letters

and i wonder if your heart throbs like mine does
if you have a dull ache in your chest like i do
if your ribs are splintered
if the butterflies are gone
i wonder if you hurt like i hurt
because i haven't felt 'normal' since you left
i don't think my heart will ever beat the same

there is a part of her missing
and it's not hidden between the lines of her journal
or the baby hairs constantly tucked behind cold ears
a part hidden by too much sunlight
it's not secrets under fingernails
or worrisome thoughts engraved deeply into smile lines

a part of her is missing
but it cannot be found in books yet to be written
in artful lines and timid smiles
in the iris of her eyes
it's not mapped out by the freckles on her shoulders
or in the laughter spilling from her insides
it's not written in her tears
or in the dreams that haunt her

a part of her is missing
it cannot be found or unlocked by you
you cannot bring it out into the daylight
or hold it up to the moonlight
for she has to be the one to stumble upon
the part of her that she is missing

you're like a dog
running back to its owner
the owner who first abandoned it
back to the owner who abused it
having loyalty to all the wrong things
faith in all the wrong places
love for all the things that hurt them

you don't want her to consume your thoughts
to fill your dreams, your nightmares
so instead, you make her your muse
you write about her in messy blue ink
you let her come back to life on the paper in front of you
just to see her dance one more time

you are like a dog
loyal to all of the things that hurt you

these cotton sheets no longer wear your name like it's their favorite cologne, but the room surrounding this prison of a bed has yet to be decluttered of you

faded purple flowers sit in a vase on my desk, they've been there since my last good memory of you, back when you said you loved me too

a promise ring that no longer lives on my left hand, buried deep in the back of my jewelry box bound to be forgotten and stumbled upon years from now, when memories of you will make me smile instead of cry

and there's a box in the corner of the room with ******* letters on the side spelling out your name. inside sits the sweatshirt you gave me years before, headphones and a cd, pictures, tokens of our memories. folded nearly on top is a letter written to you, telling you that i'm still madly in love with you and your forest eyes, telling you that i don't think my heart will ever forget the man who brought it to life. on the backside of that letter is a poem asking why you ever came back if it was her the entire time

it is so, so easy
to write about cold beds
and tear stained cheeks
yet, it is difficult
to write of memories,
                                       of thoughts,
                                                       ­      of happiness
the things that could illuminate city streets
so for now,
i will lay my head to rest
and come morning
i will write about the bright,
the stars that shine despite the night

let me tell you about the sunshine girl
cloaked in copious shades of yellow
radiating kindness and hope
from every atom of her being
a single girl who is brighter than the universe in its whole
she has a heart filled with celestial beauty
and hands that carry galaxies
always found on her rooftop
admiring the moon and her stars
or
van gogh's sunflowers
loving that he and she alike
swallowed yellow paint in search for happiness
using the brightness of yellow
to escape the darkness of their minds for awhile
and while you think she's just admiring
the moon
poetry
and paintings
deeply thinking
or daydreaming
she's really waiting for a shooting star
to hear her wish
and take her far, far away from here

why do you continue to check up on me
the constant opening of closed doors
silent messages left for me to decipher

why do you haunt me like this
creeping up on me during twilight hours
your grasp tight on me as darkness settles
the moon illuminating my silent bedroom

after we locked the doors the first time
why didn't you stay gone
you should've stayed gone

i've found heaven
stumbled upon it accidentally
more than a time or two
swirled in different hues of blue
hidden within a timid smile
tucked into the words of my favorite song
i've found it within the hearts of strangers
the ones who hand me things from the top shelf
the ones who go out of their way to paint a smile on my face
i've found it buried in the hazel eyes of my lover
in his generosity that knows no bounds
in his warms hands and gentle embrace
stitched into his ever so caring heart
i've found it in family
blood and not blood
in their unconditional love
in their way of always making me feel wanted
heaven is right there
it's within arms reach
a golden sheen just waiting to be seen
defog your tired eyes and begin to really see
see the beauty in everyday things
the little things
sometimes i think we forget
heaven isn't that far away

eighteen, the year i fell in love and started writing again
the year i wore my heart on my sleeve
the year i was a little more reckless
and a lot more free

i use to hate the color green but soon it was my favorite
because his eyes were a dream
our love was fleeting because of me
3000 miles and a broken heart
i never got to make him feel like pure art

everything is so much sweeter in the dark
love affairs in your car
we gazed up at the stars
and hazel eyes made their way back into my heart
from seven years
to a broken heart
and now, a fresh start

eighteen
it was filled with
love, lust, and many memories
poetry, playlists, and many dreams
eighteen was lovely

i called him sweet
for nectar dripped from his lips
and a pink tint stained his cheeks
looking away at every compliment made
he always knew what to say
dipping every word in honey
he was sweet
he had a sugar coated smile
but the aftertaste was not worth one's while

i was madly in love with him
and the twilight that danced in his eyes
his laughter contagious
and his body pure art
he shined so brightly
even in the dark
he was everything to me
i loved him
with my entire heart
and sometimes,
he loved me too

your eyes once reminded me of a forest
filled with oak trees and evergreens
i moved in without a second thought
and made my home among the trees
dwelling in the woods that thrived in your eyes
but quickly i learned it was all an illusion
for the trees shed their color
and i was trapped in seclusion
the forest in your eyes was filled with nothing but darkness
a place haunted by past lovers
of dreams
and things long forgotten
i was added to the list of things no longer wanted
i wanted nothing else but to leave
but i got lost within the eternal darkness
and here i am, nemoricultrix

though my memories of you have faded
and i no longer remember the colors in your eyes
you will live forever in the pages of my journal
in my words, you will never die

vengeful is she
who had her heart broken
who heard your lies softly spoken
vengeful is she
whose eyes are locked on your gaze
who has ink dripping from her teeth
for poetry is her weapon
and that swollen tongue of yours
is just another page in her journal
for every lie told
she carves a truth into the back of your throat
cramming each page further and further
until you choke on your lies
until you swallow your truths whole

i hope at some point she makes you think of me

i hope you go to say her name but stumble over mine with your twisted tongue because you always dated girls whose names started with 'm'

i hope when you are slowly tracing your fingertips along her spine, you close your eyes and secretly wish it were me you were tracing like the pages of your favorite book

i hope when you see her smile and cause an uproar of laughter from the depths of her soul, that you remember the way you described my smile as ever changing and now you will never get to see them all

i hope that when she reads you something she writes and the words are rolling off her tongue, you just stare at her teeth and think of the first thing i ever wrote for you

i hope at some point she makes you think of me, i hope she tastes like cold winter nights and has eyes that resemble the moon.

i hope she makes you happy.

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
i hope it doesn't remember me
with patchy red cheeks
and sorrow in my eyes

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
i hope it remembers me
reading peacefully in my favorite chair
and laughing on roller-coaster rides

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
for you are still beautiful
bright eyed and smiling
inside of mine

i've went off on my own now
but you will always have a special place in my heart
my heart will still flutter at the sound of your name,  
for it will wake up the parts of me that have long been asleep
i've taken your photos off my bedroom walls now
and stopped listening to your favorite song on repeat
it's the little things that bring you back to mind
...
two people holding hands along the trail by your house
laughing like we used to
or
someone singing a little too loudly like all of the times i listened to you singing your favorites in the shower

everywhere i go someone or something reminds me of you and with every thought,
                            i shiver.

i imagine you think this is a love poem, but it's not
rather a poem of remembrance

i've went off to walk my own path now
but you will always have that place in my heart
a place that you pushed and shoved your way into,
a place tainted by your fingertips
fingerprints that are like the lipstick that stains your lips
long after you've removed it

i've gone my own way now,
but i will never rid myself of thoughts of you
no matter how hard i try

the sun began to rise
and the soft morning light danced over us
your eyes flicker open
and i am engulfed in millions of colors
for you are stunning
and i am enamored by you

our entire love affair was built upon broken bones and splintered hearts
music blaring and adventure in your heart, you said my eyes looked
like the moon and my smile crafted from pure sunshine
your gray eyes captivated mine, but only for a short time
for our lips collided, your earth shattered and mine stayed the same
in the blink of an eye car rides in late may faded away
5am calls saying you were outside no longer came
terrible comedy shows no longer play
and your hand is no longer intertwined with mine
you were looking for forever and i for a good time
you fell in love with my broken bits and ink stained hands
but i didn't fall for you and your starry eyes

she dances with the devil
she's a forbidden thing
a forbidden people
she converses with the master of manipulation
quite good at the language of lies
cloaking herself in kindness, in sweetness, and in light
she's watching you always, the things you say and write
waiting for the day your heart is not shining so bright
and when she sees you are hurting
she waits and waits
until the day you finally break
the day you collapse to the floor
and feel like the world is too much to bare anymore
then she walks right in, right through your front door
she uses your hurt and picks at your scars
she haunts you and haunts you
she's the shadow on the floor
she's a demon disguising herself among people
she spent too long dancing with pure evil

someday i wish to be the poem
instead of the one writing the artful lines
i want to see myself
through someone else's eyes
i want to turn my heart off
to put my feelings on pause for awhile
to have someone else write about my smile
i want to be numb, for just a day or two
to take a walk in somebody else's shoes
i long to be the creation
the words from someone else's pen

i've always hated my middle name
lacking in individuality
a commonplace name
given to half the girls in my graduating class
it never sounded right
it never seemed like it fit
it didn't feel like it belonged to me
that is until you started to use it
my first name foreign to your lips
and somehow it made flowers grow around my rib-cage
restricting my lungs, causing me to catch my breath
in a good way
it made my cheeks rosy
for when you uttered those 5 letters
it sounded like wind chimes
a hummingbird's wings
my heart matching the rhythm
53 beats per second
for it was something no one else called me
a name far from unique
but you made it sound beautiful
you made it charming
a gesture so endearing

constellations line your back
your very own tattoo of the skies map
you've got stardust coursing through your veins
forever showing your heart the way
and you've got galaxies in your eyes
baby don't you see it
you were born to shine

you were forced at a young age to remove the rose-colored glasses
the ones that blur your vision of all negative things
forced to see the world for what it truly is through ocean eyes
at an age where you weren't ready
and because of this you've fallen deep into the void within yourself
surrounded by what you think is eternal darkness
your heart has fallen deep into the pits of your stomach
you look at what you don't think can ever be mended
and you've lost sight of love
you were a dealt a hand with many low cards
but you are so much more than the things surrounding you
you see the world in full color instead of black and white
and now you're discouraged, but why?
do you not see those stars in your eyes shining ever so brightly?
you think you are trapped in eternal darkness
what you do not realize is that you're a phoenix rising from the ashes
creating constellations with every breath you take
you're leaving your mark on this world with everything you write
providing hope for everyone in sight
you are so much stronger than you believe
you were created directly from the core of the earth
your bones made from iron and nickel
a creation of the universe
you've got stardust flowing through your veins
and electricity in your hands
you are so much more than you think
you are loved more than you believe
your cards may not have been kings and queens
but you're building universes with what you have
and that makes you extraordinary

i would love to meet the girl
whose hands you worship
even after they broke you
cracking you into two
leaving you black and blue
the girl whose name
didn’t leave your tongue for weeks
mumbling it in your sleep
everlasting in the diary of your mind
oh how beautiful she must have been
to have you praising her
as if she were a god
sitting on your knees
worshipping her at her feet
even after she broke your heart in two
and oh how i wish i could meet her
to finally see the hands you craved
the one’s in which you loved to fall apart

warm weather crept its way upon the cold january air
windows open and vinyl spinning
cats on window sills and candles glowing
and depression sinking into its foul lair
the seasons are changing, slowly
as well as the emotions residing within me
restored with a glimpse of warmth
flooding stale apartment air with the freshness of spring
truly allowing for new beginnings

with ocean eyes and words drizzled in honey i pulled you into the whirlpool that is my heart

for a while we spun beneath the stars
laughing in each other’s arms
for you had found a place you thought was safe
and i had found a boy who fell too quickly for the tides in my eyes

around and around we spun
our hearts beating to the same drum
you never let go of my hand
for you finally found a place to let your eyes rest
and a head to lovingly lie on your chest

but things got ever so rocky
when you got trapped in the vortex of my soul
you walked away with blood shot eyes
and tear stained cheeks
i walked away with my eyes a little more gray
from the tears that dripped down your face
a pen dipped in the inkwell of your heart
and a story to write about a boy who fell too hard

be tender with
whispered "i love yous"
be gentle with
promises of forever
use these words carefully
weave them slowly into your vocabulary
for they are the promises that hurt the most
when they are broken

you tell me that it didn't matter
that she didn't matter
but EVERYTHING matters
every drip from the leaky faucet
to every ray of sunlight shining through the window
every tear that has ran down a cheek
to every pebble in the street
everything matters
everything is part of a story
and she is part of yours
for a moment,
she was all that mattered

what is happy?
who is she?
we haven't spoken in awhile
it seems as if
we live on opposite sides of the world
for she no longer lives within my soul
she no longer dances on my lips
or on the different hues of blue
that live within my eyes
where has she gone?
i miss her so,
i desperately want her back
to kiss my swollen heart
and stop the bleeding

you cannot erase me or my existence, despite how hard you try. so, drink until you think you've forgotten my name.. or at least the sound of my voice. erase those 2am text messages declaring how much you loved me. delete those pictures of poems that i wrote for you. do as you please but whether you like or not, i am a part of your story. a scar in the back of your mind, a bleach stain in the depths of your heart.

the leaves are falling from the trees
a bundle of reds and browns and greens
the cold air begins to settle in
it rests on your chest, making its home there
slowly becoming a never ending shiver
the color dropping from your eyes
just like the dying leaves
your eyes soon become as dull as the naked trees

but i will swallow the sun to keep you warm
holding you between my arms
allowing the reds and browns and greens
to continue to thrive in your eyes
i will tuck away the cold
for the iciness of autumn brings the falling apart
and i would rather fall together

there are so many who don't even have to try
born to be social butterflies
they've got friday night hearts
and party light eyes
crafted from pure sunshine
their words are glitter laced
and their smiles warm and inviting
born with swift tongues
and dancing feet

then there are those
born to the world of nature and art
they've got sunday morning hearts
and stars in their eyes
crafted from pure moonlight
their words laced with daisies and moonflowers
crooked smiles and rosy cheeks
born with clumsy tongues
and two left feet

- so, which are you? a soul crafted by the sun or the moon?

the smell of boy
the faint smell of perfume
a crazy cat and a yappy dog
***** clothes litter the floor
the television constantly displaying some sort of video game
and a beautiful boy
with the most astonishing hazel eyes lying in bed next to me
this is happiness, this is home

tonight
the moon is brighter
the crickets louder
my heart larger
i've learned to love myself
the creases in my hands
the oddness of my mind
the way i give too many chances
even though i know i'm bound to be broken
i have fallen in love
with the poetry that spews from my lips
and how somedays my heart turns a shade of gray
because it's been damaged too many times
i have learned to love myself
because you can't trust others
to love you and your broken bits
to love your complications
to love your mind
you can't trust someone to always stay
for as soon as the days become rainy
they pack their bags and head to warmer weather
they fall for someone different
a soul with warmer hands
and eyes that resemble the moon
but soon enough the storm strikes there too
and they're right back knocking at your door
and tonight, i'm strong enough
to say goodbye