i see the moon and she sees me
lighting up my bedroom walls
at half past three
she hums me lullabies telling me
that i am a child of the cosmos
made completely of stardust
i'm part of the universe you see
my atoms pieces of the galaxy
the protons and electrons that make up me
are the same ones that compose the milky-way
my home among the stars is already fabricated
a space etched out just for me
and when i die and my bones turn to ashes
i will return home and shine ever so brightly
among the sea of stars

and when you say my name
i hope it burns like whiskey in the back of your throat
i hope it rips at your insides
just like you did to mine
because you kissed her
after you had spent the night kissing me
you took me out to a movie and dinner
then ****** me beneath your sheets
only to go to a ball game the next day
to watch fireworks, explode in the sky
and the whole time she was sitting by your side
kissing you and staring into your eyes
you sat and told me you loved me
that i was the girl of your dreams
that you would never do anything to hurt me
you wrote it with your lips onto my skin
etched it into the depths of my heart
your name flowing through my veins
only for me to find
that you've been telling her you loved her too
etching the same words into her heart
telling her that she was your world
that is was she who made you happier than you've been
in a long, long time
you had to decide between both her and i
two girls with ocean eyes
and when you chose her
my heart died
and here i stand a half of a whole
with no idea where to go

let me grow among the wildflowers
let me bust through the pavement
and grow wherever i so please
set my soul free
release me from this world
where society
                           magazines
                                                and tv
tell you who to be
how you should look
how you should speak
is this really the life you want to lead?
where you are a walking copy
a construction of society
being fed opinions
                                   dreams
                                                 and fantasies
strip your face of make-up
and burn the magazine
escape the cage you live in
become the song bird you were meant to be
set yourself free
go sit among the wildflowers
and see how good different can be

you claim i am unkind
swearing it by the dullness of my eyes
the sharpness of my tongue
the coldness of my hands

you swore it by the way i lunged
at anything that threatened me
anything that would protrude the barrier
i had built around myself

but where were you
when my eyes were
their bright blue hue
when my tongue wasn’t sharp
but soft and sweet
and i didn’t flinch
at the harshness of others

where were you
before the world got to me
and made me cold
where were you
when i warmed myself back up
finding everything light in the world
learning to love again

you claim i am unkind
which is fine
nobody is nice all of the time
but you only saw one moment
you didn’t see yesterday
you didn’t see tomorrow
you saw me battling the darkness
when i let the rotting, define me

where were you
when i stopped
letting the world define, me
and i began to define myself

tangled hair falls just below my collarbones
dull blue eyes and a button nose
rosy cheeks and acne scars
i. am. ordinary.
i am not the girl with bright eyes and bubbly laughter
i'm not the girl you'll remember passing in the coffee shop
the one whose smile lit up the entire room
i'm not the girl you stay up late trying to figure out
the one you just can't get out of your head
i. am. ordinary.
i will not leave a footprint on your heart
nor am i the book you constantly reach for on the shelf
i do not remind you of the stars, the moon, or the sun
i. am. ordinary.
and i, like all ordinary things
am made for forgetting
and you will forget me

curiosity;
that's what the love we shared was made of
a sweet, sweet curiosity to see if i could fix you
and you could fix me

my hand reaches across the sheets for you
and rather than pulling you close
i am left with a handful of emptiness,
the other half of my bed left ice cold
instead of harboring your warm body
yet, from miles and miles away
you're able to leave me speechless,
breathless even
so i will hug your pillow closer tonight
breathing in what's left of your cologne
until you return home

and when you pressed your lips against mine
i swear i could taste every color in the sky

ghosts keep knocking at the back door
tapping on windows
carving past mistakes into the floorboards

you see, ghosts are stuck in a melancholic haze
blind to the growth of a person
only seeing them in negative ways

so rather than allowing them to make a home in your chest
realize it is not you with a problem
it's their inability to give it a rest

when you began to wear more gray shirts because i said i liked the color on you
when my favorite songs slowly found their way into your playlists
when your ****** expressions started to look a lot like mine
when you began to talk like me, using the same words as i
this is when i knew you were mine

the ghosts are back again
constantly knocking at the front door
begging to be let in
they say they miss me and my tired eyes
my tear stained eyes
my heartbroken eyes
they say they want to move back in
to make a home inside of my chest
they say they will keep me warm
keep me from being alone
they plead with me to unlock the door
so we can be together once more
but i will listen to the constant knocking
allowing it to lull me to sleep
for a new day will rise and the ghosts will sink away
and i will be happy

i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
i daydream about things that i shouldn't
i write about things in messy blue ink that i shouldn't
i say things that i shouldn't
i fight for things that i shouldn’t
i overthink and obsess over things that i shouldn't
but i do these things anyway and i don't regret any of it
for i am leading a messy life
written in the messy ink of my favorite pen
i'm writing about all of the blues and blacks of this thing
this thing that i call my life
and i don't regret it
i don't regret messaging people that i shouldn't
apologizing for things that no longer hold any relevance
i don't regret dancing in the middle of meijer with my friends
or screaming at the top of my lungs in parking lots
when the world just gets too **** heavy
and i can no longer carry its weight on my shoulders
i don't regret burying myself in bottles of liquor and my favorite book
i don't regret the bridges i've burnt
or the one's i rebuilt
i don't regret kissing you at every red light
or sleeping with you on that cold february night
i don't regret venturing back into the arms of the person who hurt me
giving him a second chance
placing my heart in one hand
and a knife in the other
i don't regret any of it
i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
for they make my life a life worth living

i am chipped nail polish
and shaky hands
i am a yellow marker ran over black ink
a little tainted, but still lively
i am both the highest point on a mountain
and buried deep in the depths of the ocean
i am my own ocean
feeling the slightest ripple
every breath taken
every noise made
creating tidal waves out of nothing
i am a warrior
one who couldn’t hurt a fly
but battles depression within the night
and is constantly fighting anxiety hands on
i am meant to wander
bare feet on freshly cut grass
wildflowers scattered through a field
driving with the windows down
i don’t belong
my blue eyes are stuck on the sky
wondering what its like to be cool
to not constantly stumble over simple words
to have people be curious
about the words slipping through my teeth
to be desirable
what one’s looking for
to not be looked at weirdly for getting excited over
everything
poetry, art, daydreams, cute girls and cute boys
you see, i am simpler times
unsure times, messy times, good times
i am a part of time
and yet, i am afraid of being forgotten
fearful that people who meant most to me
won’t remember the colors of my eyes
or the vision i had for my life
my words meaning nothing
i just want to be a part of something
i am a part of something
a small speck among the sea of stars
i am there and i am shining
i am slowly leaving my mark
i am more than i give myself credit for
i am me, i am special
i am fuzzy blankets and daydreams
i am nightmares and tired eyes
i am everything and nothing all at once
i am me
a mess of a girl with eyes far too wide
trusting too much and saying too little
and above all else
i am loved

i sit curled up in an oversized sweater
the one you gave me because parts started to fray
and i don't know why you've never saw beauty
in the things that grow old
i draw swirls in the sand
like the ones in your eyes
as i watch the ocean waves crash into the shore
i watch and watch
admiring the force behind a single wave
thinking how in a moments notice
it could steal my life away
you are in love with the ocean
you used to love me
how ironic it would be
if the ocean was the thing that killed me

your heart is as dark as the color of your eyes
a black hole hidden within a person
sending lovers tumbling and tumbling
constantly falling
but never reaching an end
never reaching security
the toxicity of your love is tragic
and yet you do not know it
ink seeping from your teeth
poison words
lethal lullabies
a siren singing her seductive song
she paints herself a pretty picture
luring you into the vortex of her heart
a black-eyed beauty
waiting for her chance to shatter you
to make you fall
like stars from the night sky

tell me how you're able to do that
how do you carry all of those stars in your eyes?
how do you breath in the negativity and breathe out light?
tell me how you filled your heart with liquid sunsets
and your soul with symphonies
tell me these things
and i'll tell you how extraordinary it is to have fallen in love with you.

dance with me
spin me around our bedroom in the dark
until my knees become weak and i can no longer feel my feet
dance with me
take me by the hand and crash with me hard into our bed
dance with me beneath these cotton sheets
our ballad will cause mountains to move and stars to fall
dance with me
allow our souls to collide
and our hearts to become one
dance with me
i want to spend the rest of my life spinning in your arms

hummingbird heart
when your fingers touch my spine
electric shocks scuttle through my mind
bubbly laughter spills from my insides
bubble-gum tongue
cotton candy lips
and a billion stars dancing in your eyes
you hold me in your hands
a hot stone
shifting occasionally to relieve the heat
but never letting go
poetry personified
pure perfection
a golden heart and a soul full of sunshine
a dream come true
a story book ending
you are everything i have ever wanted

hot pavement on bare feet
scraped knees and bruised shins
sunburnt shoulders and a never fading smile

what i would give to be a child again
to not know of all the bad in the world
to know just the old lady next door
and my best friend who lived across the street

what i would give
to have my rose-colored glasses returned to me
my biggest fear, my best friend not wanting to play with me
or the monster hiding under the bed
spending days in the front yard
reading far too many books
writing way too many stories

what i would give
to not know what a broken heart felt like
to never have wished for my own death
to have never spent nights on the cold bathroom floor
to still think i was worth the world
to not for a moment, become the person i never wanted to be

what i would give
to take back my innocence
to take back that never fading smile
for my worst hurt to be
falling and scraping my knee

take me back
to hot pavement and bare feet
sun kissed hair and bruised knees

your eyes mimic the forest we walk through
like a chameleon they blend in with the trees
filled with so many reds and browns and greens
you took my hand and pointed
to the sun shining between the leaves
my heart fell for you in this moment
wildly but with ease
it was here i said i loved you
quietly beneath the trees
and it is here that i made my home
never again wanting to be alone
for i fell madly in love with the boy
the boy with sharp white teeth and a forest within his eyes
the boy who i'm going to love for the rest of my life

this time last year
i was a completely different person
i had a heart depleted of hope
and eyes filled with dark matter
all life was lost

this time last year
i left a relationship that was destroying me
a relationship that was grinding my bones into dust
just for amusement
just to see how far i could be pushed
until i would crumble

this time last year
i felt like dying
i felt like disappearing
running from this small town
to a place where no one knew my name

this time last year
i started meaning something to someone
someone who wasn't myself
and once again my world began turning

this time last year
i was at the lowest i had been in a long time
but i was also at my highest
a walking paradox
my body felt dead
but my soul was still breathing

and because of this time last year
and the people who started caring
i am here today
365 days later

i am not the person you left behind anymore
i have new favorite songs, new bad habits, a new favorite color
my hair is different, my heart is different, my soul is different
the scars on my heart are now stars
i am shining brighter than ever
the freckles covering my skin are a map of my future and my past
i am lighter than ever
my smile tells stories of the places i've been
i am happier than ever
i'm not the person you left behind anymore
remanence of the past still lingers
but there is no one left here to miss

it's almost completely silent
in the bedroom we share
except the whirring of the fan
and the constant buzzing of your phone
anger sits stale in the air
my heart sinks with every text message you send
for it isn't your words calling out to me
asking me to just lay in bed for awhile
holding hands in silence

though my memories of you have faded
and i no longer remember the colors in your eyes
you will live forever in the pages of my journal
in my words, you will never die

tonight, i lay in bed with my lover
legs tangled up together
feeling every breath he takes with the rise and fall of his chest
and i listen to the beat of his heart
telling me that this is forever

but what is forever and how long is it actually?
8 months? 10 years?
where will it take us?
an apartment complex with no AC but a love so endearing?
or a big house somewhere as we watch our kids play in the front yard?
or maybe just until morning
for when the sun rises you'll decide this isn't what you wanted
just capture the moment
right here, right now
because maybe forever only lives on in photographs
of things bound to be forgotten

all i know is that in this bed of memories is where i want to stay until i am nothing but dust and bones. and maybe flowers will grow from the ashes in honor of the love we share, resembling the hopes of forever. for maybe the bodies we inhabit won't live forever but the memories of the life we lived and the loved that lived within us will.

i use to highlight all of my favorite parts
of every single poetry book i ever read
covering the lines in neon yellow
notes scribbled on the side
of how a certain line made my heart drop
i use to doggy ear the pages
of my most favorite poems
or just so i wouldn't lose my spot
but you hated the splatters of neon yellow
and the scribbles of intimacy on the side
you disliked my folding of the corners
it was silly to leave my mark on a book
that wasn't even mine
no longer does neon yellow ink trace my favorite lines
pages are free from crinkled corners
and notes about the way the artful lines
made my heart do flips
and made my eyes drip
just black and white pages
no trace that i have ever been there
for now
i feel everything in silence
you made me silent