for 8 years i have been wrapped up in him
memorizing every part of him
the way you memorize
the lyrics to your favorite song
but despite sharing a bed
and falling into each other every night
i don't think he knows me
not really

he doesn't understand why i bite the insides of my cheeks
or pick my fingers bloody
i haven't introduced him to the demons resting on my chest
or the skeletons in my closet
he hasn't had midnight conversations with the monsters in my head
never truly seeing all of the bad
the hurt
the confused
maybe it's time he danced with the things haunting me
took a look into the book that is me
i think it's time he knows me
really knows me
you're like a dog
running back to its owner
the owner who first abandoned it
back to the owner who abused it
having loyalty to all the wrong things
faith in all the wrong places
love for all the things that hurt them

you don't want her to consume your thoughts
to fill your dreams, your nightmares
so instead, you make her your muse
you write about her in messy blue ink
you let her come back to life on the paper in front of you
just to see her dance one more time

you are like a dog
loyal to all of the things that hurt you
this is from months and months ago, but i found it while stumbling through old writings with b, so i thought i would share
what is happy?
who is she?
we haven't spoken in awhile
it seems as if
we live on opposite sides of the world
for she no longer lives within my soul
she no longer dances on my lips
or on the different hues of blue
that live within my eyes
where has she gone?
i miss her so,
i desperately want her back
to kiss my swollen heart
and stop the bleeding
an ode to the happiness that once consumed me, what nook or cranny has this sudden sadness shoved you into this time? please find your way back.
you and i
we will never see each other again
there won't be shared smiles
an awkward hello
or an awkward goodbye
you were a part of my past
a necessary part
a good part
a painful part
and in the moments
you held my heart in your hands
you were exactly what i needed most
you claim i am unkind
swearing it by the dullness of my eyes
the sharpness of my tongue
the coldness of my hands

you swore it by the way i lunged
at anything that threatened me
anything that would protrude the barrier
i had built around myself

but where were you
when my eyes were
their bright blue hue
when my tongue wasn’t sharp
but soft and sweet
and i didn’t flinch
at the harshness of others

where were you
before the world got to me
and made me cold
where were you
when i warmed myself back up
finding everything light in the world
learning to love again

you claim i am unkind
which is fine
nobody is nice all of the time
but you only saw one moment
you didn’t see yesterday
you didn’t see tomorrow
you saw me battling the darkness
when i let the rotting, define me

where were you
when i stopped
letting the world define, me
and i began to define myself
and when you pressed your lips against mine
i swear i could taste every color in the sky
four walls surround me
my things rest on shelves
and within dresser drawers
my name is etched into the pillows
claw marks on the mattress
clothing littering the floor
specks of my dna live here
it’s been
398 days
10 hours
42 minutes
and 36 seconds
since i unpacked
and still it doesn’t feel like home
my things surrounding me
but they don’t feel like mine
the walls sigh my name
but it doesn’t sound like my name
i am a stranger in this place
a place that is supposed to feel safe
a place where i am supposed to live freely
i long so desperately for a space
where i don’t solely reside within my bedroom
trapped in the confines of my bed
a space where i don’t step quietly
not wanting too much of me to be seen
a space where i can sing and dance freely
where i can etch my truth into the walls
and talk to the skeletons in my closet
a space where i don’t feel my breath is limited
careful you don’t say the wrong thing
because the walls may collapse
because the streets may become all you know
i just want a space of my own
a space where the walls sigh my name
and i can say “yes baby, i’m home”
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