the world becomes a weight
that is far too much to bare
the negativity spreads itself
across the television in my living room,
the soft glow of my laptop screen,
and the people i call my friends
it burns me to my core
this world is beautiful
but the people make it ugly
there is a part of her missing
and it's not hidden between the lines of her journal
or the baby hairs constantly tucked behind cold ears
a part hidden by too much sunlight
it's not secrets under fingernails
or worrisome thoughts engraved deeply into smile lines

a part of her is missing
but it cannot be found in books yet to be written
in artful lines and timid smiles
in the iris of her eyes
it's not mapped out by the freckles on her shoulders
or in the laughter spilling from her insides
it's not written in her tears
or in the dreams that haunt her

a part of her is missing
it cannot be found or unlocked by you
you cannot bring it out into the daylight
or hold it up to the moonlight
for she has to be the one to stumble upon
the part of her that she is missing
over the past year and a half i have struggled with finding the person that i am and the person whom i want to be. within my 19 years on earth i have been told by countless numbers of people about the kind of person that i am, what things i should believe in, the way i should act around people, that you have to like sex and boys, that partying is a must at my age. and for a hot second i believed it, i believed that to be normal i had to follow all of the norms of being a 19 year old girl, wild and loud and fun. i have since come to realize that, that person is not me or the person i hope to be. i have come to realize that i don't really know who i am, hence that part of me is missing. no one gets to decide this part for me, to tell me who i am or who i should be. i get to decide that, i get to stumble upon the part of me that is missing, the part i have yet to find.
who knew five words could cause my heart to fall hard onto the tile floor beneath me

who knew five words could cause rivers to pour from my eyes, my swollen heart the only thing keeping me afloat

who knew five words could make me unable to leave my bedroom for weeks. a blue bird who had her wings clipped, a song bird locked in her cage

who knew five words could cause so much pain
it is so, so easy
to write about cold beds
and tear stained cheeks
yet, it is difficult
to write of memories,
                                       of thoughts,
                                                       ­      of happiness
the things that could illuminate city streets
so for now,
i will lay my head to rest
and come morning
i will write about the bright,
the stars that shine despite the night
i've went off on my own now
but you will always have a special place in my heart
my heart will still flutter at the sound of your name,  
for it will wake up the parts of me that have long been asleep
i've taken your photos off my bedroom walls now
and stopped listening to your favorite song on repeat
it's the little things that bring you back to mind
...
two people holding hands along the trail by your house
laughing like we used to
or
someone singing a little too loudly like all of the times i listened to you singing your favorites in the shower

everywhere i go someone or something reminds me of you and with every thought,
                            i shiver.

i imagine you think this is a love poem, but it's not
rather a poem of remembrance

i've went off to walk my own path now
but you will always have that place in my heart
a place that you pushed and shoved your way into,
a place tainted by your fingertips
fingerprints that are like the lipstick that stains your lips
long after you've removed it

i've gone my own way now,
but i will never rid myself of thoughts of you
no matter how hard i try
dance with me
spin me around our bedroom in the dark
until my knees become weak and i can no longer feel my feet
dance with me
take me by the hand and crash with me hard into our bed
dance with me beneath these cotton sheets
our ballad will cause mountains to move and stars to fall
dance with me
allow our souls to collide
and our hearts to become one
dance with me
i want to spend the rest of my life spinning in your arms
i called him sweet
for nectar dripped from his lips
and a pink tint stained his cheeks
looking away at every compliment made
he always knew what to say
dipping every word in honey
he was sweet
he had a sugar coated smile
but the aftertaste was not worth one's while
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