1st Bell

Tears
shining bright
in your soaking wet coat
There was a time
when you believed
now you have grown cold.

2nd Bell

Small footsteps, small footsteps
she walks in snow
small footsteps, small footsteps
she's not even year old
small footsteps, small footsteps
she doesn't yet know.

3rd Bell

Heart beats
heart stops
simple thing
body dies
last smile
good bye
good bye

Good bye.

Silent snake,
hissing his venomous lies,
like flames they burn me inside,
and reduce me to ashes.

I looked out the window
and there is nothing left
all the snow is gone
it just melted in the pouring rain

The birds are singing
but the sky is gray
it reminds me of you
where were you yesterday?

Now there is silence in our home
We are one toothbrush short
and your belongings in the hall
make me feel cold with heater on

In midst of this chaos
a miracle occurs
my drowsy eyes make me see
last snowflake of this year

When I close my eyes
I see you
You occupy my mind
my soul, my heart

I close my eyes
I feel I'm inside out
the tide washes my face
I am falling from your grace

There is a ladder to heaven
that leads straight to hell
and I guess I shall thank you
for shoving me the shortest way.

This is a night
so cold and dark
even if the sun
shines so bright outside
my fear gives me a blindfold.

I hear the voice scream
pointing out my inability
laughing at my weaknesses
humiliating me for insecurity
criticizing relentlessly my every mistake.

I am slave to its tyranny
every word I say is twisted
and put back into my mouth
I don't give up without a fight
so I can hurt myself even further.

I let it grow
Let it spread like a cancer
eating away at my life, my soul
and every hope I had is crushed
under the weight of this dark, dark twisted mind.

But I will walk on
this path that leads nowhere
I can go on, blinded, torn apart
take this rotten body, take this thing called pride
I can live in sewers, I can count my days and nights.

When this hell is over
I can walk with head up high
I know I tried my hardest
I fought and I survived
until the sun will rise...

You locked your doors
there is no more
I bash my head
against your walls
and still you would not listen

An awful screech
when I try to speak
there is no place
just an empty space
where your heart once was

So it all is over
you were drunk on love
and now you're sober
and I am dead in your eyes
why don't you even try?

What is a star
without the light?
What is the day
without the night?
What is a life
without the love?
Answer presented
at the bottom of wine,
shame I drink Cuba Libre
without citrus, coke or ice.

I'm tired of your stories,
my darling, my friend,
I want you to hold me
you want me to fail
simple excuses
put nails in my hands

Joy from hurting
you selflessly share
you send all those pictures
to your most twisted friends
even if I wanted to
I know I can't escape

I hear you screaming
the voices in my head
clawing your own way
to heaven, to hell
you say its over
when it never began?

The curse of the flesh
can be lifted in death
but I sold my soul
there is nowhere to go
the darkness of days
my life is a maze

I lost my way
I fail if I can
I feel so cold now
I want you to hold me now
just hold me now..
this is the end.

Don't wanna be the one
to break you
Because love is a boat
and I'll wreck it ashore
and if we are to walk together
I will only make you slip
and fall

Time to forget
myself
There's nothing left
but pain

Cover up
my face
I am the one
to blame

I don't want to see
anyone or myself
all the possibilities
always lead to death

Let me become the dust
like ship in the ocean rust
don't wanna be the lost
although I'm the broken.

Key to your soul
hidden from all
heart is the lock
open the door

You were made perfect
(with all imperfections)
beauty is light
covered with skin

Shine, beauty, shine!
Don't hide,
destroy the walls inside
give out the key to your heart.

My heart bleeds
the darkest ink
your words are too kind
I will not survive

You lifted me up
too high in the sky
above the clouds
sun shines so bright

and shall I fall
I will fall forever
and I hope to die
because I don't want to live without you.

Worst than sickness
that kills you
is sickness
that you get to survive

My dear,
my body loves thee with force so raw
that it results in thunderous roar
I hope you enjoy this fragrance of love
because my body will supply enough
to make you hold your breath
and hope it will stop
But when we spoon under blankets
and my cheeks will clap
there is no escape
from this violent applause
You know what Shakespeare wrote about love?
It fears no tempest,
so lets break some wind!

On this lonely night
all I do is try
to catch words
so slippery
like air
they're all around
just breathe them in
and out

Out on the sea
ship passing
through storm
echoes of thunder
lightning illuminates
fears so vivid

How was your dream
your sweetest fantasy
your new found reality
within limits of surreal

Have you found Alice
when she was just small
and the puffs of caterpillar
push you down the rabbit hole

How holy are you
when you reach for the clouds
your body is fluid
your soul is free

God gave me voice
not to be silent
but to scream out
about mercy and violence
about rights and wrongs
about beauty of world
about child labor
about colorful rainbow
about witch trials
about love and desire
about lies and betrayals
about lost, drug addicts, outcasts, homelessness
and most of all about His forgiveness.

Welcome to the desert of my soul!
Things once so beautiful
became so rusted as I got old
the journey was long
but I have not reached my goal
so should I keep on...

What is right and what's wrong?
Can you tell even with eyes closed?
What about night terrors,
do you have them too?
The kind that leaves you paralyzed...

Don't you miss the abuse?
The familiar pain of being nothing,
getting hurt makes you feel so good.
You have to hide the scars better,
what will they do if they find out?

There once was an angel on earth
but all the lies and betrayals
turned him into demon
hate is burning inferno
but his heart is so cold

Gentle kiss of sun
woke me up tonight
your arms hold me so tight
I could not move at all

That's alright, my darling,
I already gave my heart to you
That's alright, my darling,
Sleeping in your arms feels so beautiful

I closed my eyes
and I smell your fragrance
I know this is love
My life now makes sense

The night is over
here comes the new dawn
each day we're closer
we'll never be alone

Why don't you
free yourself
spread your wings
fly in the sky?

All these things
you can do
shackles off
why not tonight?

Life like a
lucid dream
smile again
shine like a star.

You'll make mistakes
but that's alright
being perfect
is reserved for God.

Listen to the
voice of heart
it knows what's wrong
and knows what's right.

Live your life
don't be afraid
go out there
and seize the day.

I woke up
with a little more life
with a little more light
to open up my eyes

and I see you there
and I understand
why I just don't care
about world's problems

'cause all I want is you
and all I need is you
my island of happiness
in the sea of loneliness

You kissed my cheeks
and you kissed my lips
and I must admit
my heart skipped a beat

and I closed my eyes
and see you inside
my own universe
my own paradise

The night is long
I feel so cold
my body shivers
out of control

I feel so bad
the voice in my head
makes me scream
so loud

Make it stop!
Don't throw me out!
I don't want to sleep on street!
It's too cold outside, mom, please!

I just realized
that even memories
can torn my heart
give sleepless night

Why...
it opened scars
I thought they were
long forgotten

Rain comes
the flood
from her eyes
and she tries
to resist desire

Torment
disguised
as a love
as a friend
as her lover

Rain drops
falling down
touch the ground
cold as ice
extinguished her fire

He touched her face
and she bites
and she screams
and she cries
but it doesn't matter

And she tries
to hit him hard
to make it stop
as the clothes
are ripped apart

She does not like
the taste of ***
his dead eyes
how he cringes her hand
doesn't matter

Doesn't matter
she screams
she cries
she's passed out
but he keeps making "love"

I'm not a fan
of your secrets
and your devotion
why we pretend
if it's not real
there's no emotion

Let's make a plan
another story
of morning glory
I want to live
just let me go
before it's over

Darling, I recommend
your heart's on fire
go out and use it
before you're older
all those fears
will make it colder

Right there and then
I see you smiling
years you've been waiting
that time is over
your arms around his
neck and shoulders

Honey, I know
where this story goes
just one kiss
and you lose control
and it's perfect
and your body knows
and your soul knows
and your heart knows
and your skin knows
and your fingers know
and your eyes know
and your ears know
and your lips know
and you know
and you know
don't let go...

My secret wish
is just to dissolve
into my bed
to become one
with everything around
to become the fabric
of the universe

To become water
run through mountains
into green valleys
and join everyone
at the sea party
to raise up as clouds
and fall down as rain drops

To end the thirst
of one lonely human
to became his blood
to go through his lungs
through his heart
and livers
and to leave him again.

To leave the Earth
and go on a journey
that leads nowhere
into deep space
to watch it all from afar
watch it all end
and start all over again.

I breathe your soul
it tastes like fire
in my mouth
a burning halo
around your head
devil or prophet
who cares?

Piece of Eden
down on Earth
life on speeding train
coast to coast
valley to mountains
all in your head
who cares?

What time
does the darkness
wake up
at night?

To destroy light
with single touch
and take nightmare
as a spouse.

Yes,
I am happy.
For the first time
in a long, long while.
I read her words,
they make me smile,
every **** time,
I can't resist her,
even if I tried.
And I remember
how down I was
the last time,
the time before,
and the time before that.
But I found
how happiness is easy.
Just doing things
I want to do,
the way I want
to do them.
When I wake up,
I know this time,
I have found my sun,
and she shines just for me.

She is all
I do not want her to be.

Darkness has come
as I feared
and it hides
all the stars from me

I am looking out
the window
and I try
to reach you

No response
you are gone
and I know
life goes on

To my star out there
in the darkness of night
I am still here
call me if you want

I want to know
does the soul
grow old
and tired
with the body

Because it once was pure
but now it seems
so dark and clouded inside
sad or mad, all is bad
fallen, and I can't stand

Ridiculous obligations
to unknown friends
that **** me dry
like flies do wine
until the glass is empty

I dream of love
I fear it more
I am just terrified
of hearing
"no"

I was the one
with the world at my feet
one wrong step
it slipped away from me

I was falling
all the way down
deep into mud
and there I got stuck

I call friends to help me
but nobody cared
their hearts were so empty
they were glad I was there

The world needs some
people down there
someone to laugh at
someone to hate

It takes a long road
to get out of there
and there are shortcuts
to get you right back

Dear survivor
reading this note
I know you have problems
help is on the way.

How you make me feel?
You make me feel
like the sun rises just for me
like the wind whispers in my ear
"I love you"

You make my heart
race so fast
with every word
and it almost stops
at the end of line

And I'm afraid
that one day
there'll be just blank page
in a box
with your name.

There is nothing in this world
pushing me forward
but so many things
dragging me down

I can feel my head
just spinning around
the life goes on too fast
so I am still in the past

What goes around
then goes away
and never comes back
leaving only scars

We send rockets to Mars
and bombers to Paris
we have love in our hearts
and fears to tear it

The lessons of life
cold, hated, unkind
until we become
another man

My heart, you are not allowed
to go out for a long time,
I yet have to recover
from things that you've done.

How I wish
for you to go
away now
into nothingness
back into darkness
where is the light?

Nothing!
I am blind and deaf and
I die!
What is left inside me,
if you take away the heart?

Sleepless,
mumbling your name
all night in my cries.
I wish I could say you good bye.

Bloodless,
as I see it drop on the floor,
take it all, I need it no more.

Meaningless,
you come and go as you want.

I like my knife sharp, you have won.

I open my eyes,
I don't want to see,
but I cannot be blind,
even if others could be,
I have to speak:

You girl out there,
just listen to me,
I am too tired
of repeating this,
repeating constantly.

I open my eyes,
I don't want to see,
but I cannot be blind,
even if others could be,
but what do I see?

I see the girls
ruining their bodies,
cutting their skin,
because they can't
cut the soul.

They feel so useless,
out of place,
and out of control.
Sending their pics,
to guys they don't know.
Or worse.

How do you fall,
for someone so selfish,
who just says:
"Make me feel good!"
and why you do?

And what you do!
Why can't you stop!
This is not love.
Just an abuse.
Just an abuse.

Flashes of life,
right in front of me,
holding your hand,
creating a memory.

Only this once,
you will dance for me,
Only this once,
the stars will fall.

Crying,
in my memory,
I see you falling apart,
senseless, are you alive?

Black pitch darkness,
screams and silence,
violence and light,
your body erupts.

There is blood on your lips,
and it's so cold in your arms,
the whispers of death
are with us tonight.

Sometimes,
I wish to make a statue
out of me.
And I mean it literary.
Take a knife
and make curves
how I want them to be right.
And cut out
all parts I don't want.
With precision
cut the skin, the flesh,
the need for perfection
desire to bleed.
I will be an artist,
body the masterpiece.

I am sitting on the chair
and suddenly I fall,
my head is banging on the door,
my body's shaking on the floor.

I know what's going on,
it will never be better,
it will only get worse,
I've lost control.

Do you really love me?
or just love to hurt me,
to take control
and use my body
but where is soul?
You never care
maybe you just can't,
you are a soulless
horror of the night,
my nightmare,
that came alive
and I let you take me,
head over heels,
you leave me so empty,
you just use me,
then you leave
and I am nothing,
I feel so worthless
God, I can't take this,
I'm dying every night,
I want your heart
and you just my body...

Because the voices keep screaming
because it's so loud
because there were no tears in your eyes
when you said your good bye
because the morning is cold
and so is the evening, the night,

because a thought of you gives me shivers
all the way to the spine
because I don't know if you ever loved me
or if it's all just a lie
because I find you disgusting
and adore you at the same time

because I don't want to talk to you
and I am scared you won't write back
because I want you to hold me
for the last time
because I want you to see me naked
and feel the lust in your eyes

because I want this to be over
because I don't want this to be over
because I know I still love you
because I know I can't stop
because it's killing me
because I want to die

I tried so hard
to make you feel love
but all that you do
is that you pump blood

I wonder if I ever be
more than just a memory
more than desire
yet unfulfilled

Will I ever be as star?
Giving light to that certain someone
will she give it back?
Or will I just remain meaningless?

Life is short
just drop in the ocean.
I am alone
devoid of devotion.

Will I die
leaving nothing behind?
Will my death
be a meaningless act?

And then a memory
once so bright
as the stars at night
will be forgotten.

I will not leave
a single scratch
on the Earth's crust.
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust.

...You are a wonderful man...
But you don't know my scars,
all the things I've been through.

...And yet you survived...
I see now, you don't understand
the reason to commit suicide.

...How can someone do such horrible thing?...
Well, you don't do it because you want to die,
you do it because you can't stand being alive.

******* The Wing

She helps selfishly, she gives everything,
even to those who don't give back,
even to those who have nothing left,
even to strangers like me.

She cares about everybody,
even about people that hurt her,
even about people that don't know her,
even starving kids in Africa she loves like closest friends.

She is such a talented writer as well!
Her poems are emails of heart,
such emotions in rhythm and rhymes.
I wonder how she could be so awesome.

She is a God's gift,
most beautiful object in the universe,
she is an angel on earth,
and this is no praise - just stating the facts.

You want to know more
about my dreams?
I had nights filled
with horrible nightmares,
flames burning my skin,
knives cutting through heart,
pit of eternal agony.
Death, screams, pain.

They are all gone.
What was the last dream I had?
I dream of you.
I dream of you
and nothing else.
It was about color of your hair,
the way your face turned red,
when you smile...

And I was there,
sitting by,
feeling the warmth
of your body,
feeling the texture
of your skin,
feeling the gentle pressure
your hand against my hand.

And I was there,
holding you,
so you will never leave again.
We can stay frozen like that,
until our dying day,
just you and me,
and the fragrance of your body.
Everlasting happiness.

But it was just a dream,
just a vision of things,
that will never be.
Just God mocking me.
This sweetness is poison,
I can't let go of it.
I need you so bad,
why did I wake up?

Do you really want
your body to be covered in scars
for the rest of your life?

Today I found
the scar
on my hip.
I mean you can't see it,
but you can feel it,
if you touch.
I just thought:
"I will never get away,
it will always be there"

Girl,
to me you are a star of the night sky,
you are so far away,
yet, it does not stop me
from feeling the warmth of your company,
from seeing your incredible beauty,
I could write down thousand compliments
and they would still do you no justice
But there are times,
I wish you would fall
down from that sky,
so I would have you all just for me,
I would say to your wonderful eyes,
how special you are,
how much I want you to be happy.
But you are not my sun,
you are not the center
of my universe.
But I wish you to find,
someone to make you his star,
his one and only queen of the universe,
and together you will live
a wonderful fairy tale
happily ever after.