I have never seen anyone
quite like you before.
Someone so beautiful,
intelligent and kind.

Yet you were there,
changing my life.
You had become
my brightest star.

You are the thing,
that makes me wake up,
that makes me go on,
even put on a smile.

But what was the truth?
What was the lie?
You said how you miss me,
then kissed me good bye.

Truth hides in a bottle of wine,
at the very bottom of the last glass,
You never existed
and neither do I.

So let me be forgotten,
dig me a grave for insecurity,
let me be nothing,
betray me in need.

Like Romeo and Juliet
You told me you love me
and that I must understand:
“Love 'till the end.”

You went ahead
with your plan
of destructive madness,
you left me alone, why did you go?

You set the stage,
smokes and sirens,
You shine in the light,
You are the queen of this night.

Do you care,
or did you care,
that you'll leave me alone,
just on my own. Forever.

Do you know,
that the distance between us,
is just what you create?
I can't let you go,
understand WHAT?

I'll share your sadness,
I'll drown in your sadness,
but I know I can't stop,
you'll just play your part.

Dear God,
I know we have not talked for a while
but there are still some questions
I need you to answer.
I never doubt your existence,
but I doubt you are kind at heart.
Why did you give me eyes?
Only to see people suffer?
Only to see fathers
abusing their daughters,
mothers hurting their sons?
You give me eyes
and I want to scratch them out.
I am too tired of crying all night.
Why did you give me ears?
Only to hear endless screams?
Only to listen to stories of destruction,
of void and eternal dark,
of suicide, mother of all self-abuse.
Listen how smile turns into tears,
and silent whispers
becomes screams so loud,
and I can't stand them!
HELP! HELP! HELP!
Why did you give me ears
if they are of no use?
Why did you give me hands?
Only so I can touch the scars?
To feel the cuts on the inside?
To cut myself
with words,
not razors,
when I am trying to write.
Why in all this chaos of life
I feel like I was born
with my hands tied?
Why can't I stop them
from hurting others
and themselves,
from smoking another cigarette,
or from drinking,
until they drink themselves to death,
from going to bed with strangers,
out of pure disrespect for themselves,
from accepting the twisted judgments of society,
and carving the verdicts into their bodies and heads.
From taking strange medical substances,
and non-medical as well,
just to be accepted
by people that never care.
Why did you even give me heart?
Only to be broken?
By what? Love?
Bigger lie cannot be spoken!
It's just selfish desire
of touching the skin
of other human being.
Having control,
reserving their body
all for yourself.
Or worse,
sharing pieces of soul,
never to return,
when the cracks from within
reach out and break you apart.
Dear God,
I accept I'm inferior and so very limited,
but in your holiness and immortality,
why is there beauty,
laced with suffering,
innocence,
treated with hate,
happiness,
mixed with pain,
smile,
embraced with grief.
I understand
there is no rainbow
without the rain,
but give me some hope to believe...

My heart counts its final beats.
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Then comes silence.
Heart stops.

My soul escaped
this prison of meat
good bye world,
that never cared.

Angels cried
tears of blood,
I thought I died,
but I wake up.

Just Another Dream Ends.
It was a dream,
I get to live,
only to dream of death.

A true story of one Christmas Eve,
when I was fourteen.
I remember the gifts under the tree,
some for my brother,
some for my sister,
some for my mother,
but none of them were for me.

I was disappointed, I must admit.
Never liked Christmas Eve,
but since then I hated it.
I asked mom what will I get,
she said: “You'll get that,
what you will get,
go beg on streets!”

And so I did.
It was not my will,
I was kicked.
Remember the day:
24.12.2006
First night I spent
on the streets.

It was cold,
but not freezing,
at least I think.
I had just shirt, jeans, pants, socks,
but no shoes.
I was shivering.
I was lost and had nothing to lose.

I remember the skin,
turning purple and gray.
My mind was set on one thing,
I need a place to stay.
I found some boxes and a blanket,
I didn't mind the smell.
I made my bed near the garbage cans.

Lying there I watched the stars,
cried eyes out,
was asking God,
the only thing I still don't know,
why?
Why was I brought into this life?
Why I can't just simply die?

It was cold,
and it was bad,
but the worst is yet to came.
Forgive them, Lord,
they know not what they've done.
Forgive them, Lord,
because as sure as hell I can't.

It's hard to accept this,
but it is the truth,
I can pretty much sum up my life
with a series of really bad comedy sketches.
Yes, my life is not never ending stream
from conception until this very moment,
no, it's much more like a night sky,
pitch black darkness,
with moments of bright light.

These moments of flashes
burn so wild and bright,
too painful to remember,
but forget them I can't.
It hurts,
God, it hurts so bad.
Mother, I cannot forgive,
I just can't.
Here it comes
again...

No matter where I am,
it will take me away,
back to the moments
that I can't stand.
I am in my lecture,
trying to understand the secrets
of works written so far away, so long ago,
I wish I was there,
not here.

I am sitting there,
and I am in the bathroom,
I look in a mirror,
and I look so bad,
with my wrists cut open,
and there is blood everywhere,
and I am crawling on the kitchen floor,
beaten,
and every muscle aches.

And I am sitting in the living room,
where my mother is trying to explain,
what the freaking looser I am,
that I **** her life like some vampire,
that her life was ruined because of my existence,
that she wishes I was dead,
and I am sitting there,
in my lecture,
trying to fight the tears back.

My life is just flashes of light and darkness pitch black.

More words will not help me
in curing my insanity,
they had become so empty.
I'm in a maze with no exit.

You were the hand holding my pen,
It's over, don't bother with pity.
My life is held by a few paper clips
and you still think that's what I wanted.

Go away!
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.

I am your fear deep inside
I know all you try to hide
I know your weakness,
your doubts!
I speak when you speak,
when you sleep I rise.

Your darkest fantasies,
won't be worse than reality
that's about to come.
You tried to hide from me,
thought some pills will make me run,
but honey, you and me are one!

I see you understand,
your mind's falling apart,
all your friends left,
with them sanity and pride,
but you know I will stay,
until the end of your miserable life.

You see, I was never wrong.
How long ago I advised you to die?
Still you insisted on learning more,
well, was there anything worth going on?
You were a failure at everything,
you just wasted air by breathing.

Your “friends,” or what were they called?
Just used you, hurt you and then let go.
How grotesque – you believed them!
How they laughed behind your back!
You tried to appease them,
you never had any spine.

Accept it, you were never loved.
Not by your mother, lovers of friends.
In the end, there was nobody who cared.
All that air, you wasted breathing.
Should you decide to die tonight,
there will be no one who will cry.

Try to make this one thing right,
don't be a burden to everyone,
they are tired of pretending,
don't you see? They want you to end it.
Do you want to suffer more,
or all of it to be gone?

There is nothing to be feared,
or if there is, I will be near,
Should your hand be rather shaky,
remember it's ending aching.
If you think, there is some hope,
just remember how it all went wrong.

Don't fight me, I'm not your foe,
I'm a friend, dearest of them all.
You know how to free your soul
from this prison of your own.
Death is nothing wrong,
just free yourself and go!

It seems that the eternal night
has covered my mind
I'll be consumed
in the morning there'll be nothing left.

All these words
left me speechless
betrayed again
I'm mad

I believed at least
they will last
that I will create something
that changes the world

I dream

I'm fed up with life,
but I'm too scared to die.
How many times I tried?
How many times I missed?

How could I thought you are
the person of my dreams?
I put you on pedestal,
how stupid was that of me?

I just wanted you to know,
that you are the right for me,
but you never showed
any affection to me.

You used me, abused me,
made me play your game.
You knew if you lose me,
I'll never be the same.

You drained me all this time,
until there was nothing left inside,
then filled me with your lies,
until I'm crying when I smile.

It feels like a thousand knifes
cutting through my veins
watching the blood stain
crimson crystals of life
all problems fade away
I feel alive!

Deeper and deeper
reaching for soul
deeper and deeper
cutting my throat
no fear of the reaper
my jugular vein.

Razor blades, sleeping pills
bit of methamphetamine
benzos and ketamine
raises the adrenaline
my heart now beats so fast
lets see how long it's gonna last.

Long night winter cold,
it only gets worse as I get old.
Woken up by my own scream,
why do I die in my own dreams?

Why do pills taste so sour?
Why can't I sleep more than hour?
Why it feels this will devour
my last piece of sanity?

Why my mind gets dark at night?
Why my body feels so tight?
Who cut these scars into my thighs?
Am I awake or is it dream?

But what is real?
Just another lie
we tell and believe
it will be alright.

Nightmares kiss you goodnight.

Are you even real?
You see, I said “Love is disease,”
and you said “It doesn't exist,”
still, you make me believe.

Is all this arbitrary?
Are we just words,
written in tears by a madman
in books in library?

Who are you, girl?
I asked the sky, it whispered back to me
it spoke about alluring beauty,
that cannot be unseen.

So close and yet so far,
one must ask the God, why?
Maybe it's just a trick of mind,
maybe, but I have to find out.

Let me think and let me dream,
for the sweetest dream there have never been.
Let it linger for a while,
before you say your last goodbye.

And the jet planes,
angelical guardians of intercontinental love,
spread their wings to carry you once more
across the ocean of deepest blues.

Reaching for the stars so high,
that you will touch the heaven,
and gently fall asleep,
tell me, are you dreaming
a dream of us?

My dear friend,
even the Great Wall of China
cannot hide the secret
ancient manuscript of your body
WEAK, WORTHLESS, ****

Truth is hidden
within these lies,
written in blood.
You said you pierced your belly,
but who have pierced your heart?

I believe in power
beneath your eyes
that will heal
even deepest scars
of your lonely soul.

Let me ask
the question of the day:
My dear friend,
have you became
a water buffalo?

I'm just a heap of flesh,
caged in a madhouse,
executed, electrified,
spitting in the face of God
in white suit,
dancing with Satan.

Seduced and sedated,
chained to my bed.
Hallucinating heaven,
hiding from hell,
and the seraphs strike again
with a fiery blade.

Down on my knees I fell,
breaking my own back
to become “human,”
soulless, faceless, thoughtless.
Without brain, insane,
I transcend.

Imprinting soul in these walls,
painted with blood.
With nails writing on doors
stories of past.
Where are they taking me?
No! Just stop!

Fourteen attempts of death
was not enough
to get me out.
They chained my mind
to this prison of dark
'till death do us part.

I need to **** myself inside.
Just drinking this bottle to be sterilized.
Feels great not to feel.
To be completely numb.

I am all ****** up inside.
God, I need someone to ****.
Just a complete stranger.
No strings attached.

Am I drunk enough?
Good, lets get this started right now!
Don't really care if blonde or brown.
I think I see her smoking at the bar.

"Hello, princess!
What a pretty dress!"
(and awesome *******,
8 out of 10, I guess)

"Did someone ever told you
how beautiful your eyes are?
Bright and yet so dark,
like streetlights at night."

Her tongue touched her lips,
another shot of absinth,
lets get some ***** mixed in,
wrecked, like I've never been.

"Boy, you know how to play the game,
lets have a smoke outside" and we went,
half insane with lust, bit afraid.
Drowning in stupidity of youth.

We smoked ***, cigars,
talked about gods, religion,
wars, crimes, lies,
electric chair, death...

Trials, nights, dreams,
our bodies touched,
nightmares, blues, insanity,
we ******.

Right there,
behind someone's car,
under the stars,
screaming in ecstasy.

Like in some surrealistic film,
went into a public toilet,
the smell of **** and ****,
the smell of her filterless cigarettes...

We went to my place,
wanting to **** again,
and again, and again,
endlessly, until we die or faint.

Her naked, trembling, sweating body,
graced by night, graced by all saints.
I scratched her back, bite her neck,
inside, she's all wet.

We danced like mad,
hearts beating fast,
dissolving into each other,
taking the final breath.

The last hug of love,
that never existed,
last kiss in the dark,
and I will leave you there.

I woke up, vomiting.
Feeling so cold, dead.
Took a shower to wash it all away.
All, the memories, kisses and sins.

Counting the scratches,
remembering wild flashes
of yesterday's coma,
tears, tearing heart.

Last night,
fire was burning bright,
but like the cigarette's ash
we fall apart.

There will be no calls,
no pretentious drama of love,
no fading away back into the night,
No nothing, get lost!

I had become
empty space
between lines of your life.
Something you don't mind
skipping.

I don't know what to write,
but you know what?
We can both pretend
I don't exist.
I'm done.

Not feeling well today.
Like if bomb exploded
in my head.
Heart bursted out of chest,
I'm swimming in a sea of sweat,
so hard to inhale.

Cannot explain,
I just feel so bad.
Inside I'm freezing,
on the outside – hell.
911, I'm begging:
“Doctor, doctor, can you help?”

He examined me,
and looked so pale.
“There is no hope,
I am afraid...”
Lights went out,
the world gone gray.

Then with many words
to me explained,
why I'm such a hopeless case.
Such terrible is my fate,
that my illness name
he cannot say.

But I know the cause and the cure.
It's only one, it is you.
I know you don't feel that way,
But listen to what experts say
“Can be lethal,
can be great.”

You have your methods,
and diagnosis.
Avoiding me, like the plague,
with disgust watching my necrosis,
how with every word it spreads.
But silence?

Oh, your disease of choice!
What a sweet, sweet poison!
It's so clean!
Killing from within,
with everything
you will not say.

What a cancer!
Feeding itself
on deepest fears
and regrets.
But it's not mine, it's yours.
I have a different sort.

Maybe it's leprosy.
Oh, don't you say! I can feel it!
Flesh falling away,
the numbening, no pain.
I must look so grotesque,
like an elephant on parade.

No, I won't get away that easy.
I know what it is
and I have fallen completely:
“Amor Vincit Omnia"
I've been conquered
by love.

No, I'm not OK,
but I guess I'll live,
though know not for sure.
How about you?
What will you do
to me?

Think it's time to play
this little game.
Turn the tables,
make them pay.
Let's see what the universe
will say.

Time to find myself,
my prize, my prey,
my own puppet to play,
to twist and hurt.
Because, what they've done,
I can do too.

I find myself a beauty,
little angel with snowy wings,
so innocent and pure.
Oh, when I'm done with you,
how I will twist you,
how I will torture you!

Sitting by the window,
whispering sweet little lies,
she smiles.
A look in her eyes,
I see the sparkling,
I know she is mine.

I cannot do this!
I cannot break
such beautiful thing!
“I am sorry.”
I leave and locked me in.
You win.

That's the story I'd like to tell,
but truth and that
went different ways.
Truth is we had few drinks,
we talked, we laughed,
and I took her in.

Seeing her naked beauty,
I tremble,
then start the torture.
Her body desecrated,
tainted with my evil.
But body isn't goal I'm after.

What a sick pleasure,
tearing her wings apart.
Then reaching for heart,
I cut.
I felt how her soul darkened,
what was innocent is now not.

I quickly left,
she was still sleeping.
There shall be no cure
for her weeping.
Soon she'll learn
she was mistreated

But I will give her no answers.
She won't see my face again.
How she is?
I will not care,
I will leave her in despair.

I remember the day
we met the first time.
You shined like sun,
with your beautiful smile.
I knew I was in for a ride
and we started to fly.

Caroline,
you fueled my life
like gasoline.
With sparkles in your eyes,
you lit me up.
Now I am burning down.
God, I am burning out.

I don't know when we started,
but I know we were
falling down.
We were so closed
and yet we split apart,
tearing our hearts!

For God's sake,
Caroline!
Now I am so weak,
that I weep,
when I say your name,
Caroline!

So, do you hate me now?
Because I know, I can't.

I see you
and I know who you are,
you are the one
I was trying to hide.

Go away!
You can't stay!
You will poison my mind!
Not again!

Vision once clear
become so clouded.
I know it's your fault,
You have poisoned my heart.

Go away!
You can't stay!
You will poison my life!
Not again!

I shut my heart
and opened my eyes,
I will break free
from the fog of your lies!

Go away!
You can't stay!
You will **** me inside!
Not again!

No more words,
no more tries
to be nice,
it's all over
this is goodbye.

Silence.
Silence in my heart.
Because you were there
and now it's empty.
Hold me,
please, hold me...

It's endless,
It was gone,
now it's back,
scratching chambers of my heart,
digging holes in my soul.
It's a game over.

No more lives left.
I want to live
no more.
All the choices I made,
it's all ending today.
Game over.

Dark night, darker thoughts.
A friend knocked on the door,
he said, move on and let her go.
Become a man she can adore,
maybe then,
but we never know.

But,what if there is
no-one I want to be
nowhere I want to go
no way of letting you go?
Oh, can't you see?
Oh, don't you know?

No more knocking on the door,
all friends left, I am alone.
But,what if they mean
nothing to me,
they're all fools to me,
it's only you I want!

Oh, don't you know that
I would breath for you,
I would **** for you,
I would sing for you,
I would live only for you!
How is all that not enough?

This is a dawn of another day,
and for the first time in life I pray.
In the light of the morning sun,
for the last time in life I sung:

Oh, can't you see
how I bleed for you,
how I scream for you,
how I'm hurt because of you?
I cried for you,
I tried for you,
but nothing is working now.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be,
maybe that, or maybe this
is what I get for once
listening to voice of heart!

I know that
I am dead to you,
I mean nothing to you,
I am only trouble and burden to you!
I am sick of you and sick of me!
This is not what I want it to be.

But really, this is all you, and no me.
I am empty, I can't feel.

I see nothing.
I hear nothing.
I am nothing.

What place do I have in this world
filled with lies and cruelty.
I don't want to be evil,
I feel that I am empty.

How can I love,
when my love died so long ago?
And all that was good in me,
died with it.

How will you make me believe
there is yet some hope?
How can I even bleed,
when all my blood is gone!

Every time I try to reach
out of my own shadow,
I get burn by the light,
like a vampire
******* on someone else's life
and I am done!

No!
There is no cure,
or hope!
I am already dead,
just alive.
I am a broken mirror,
with the shattered glass.

I am sorry, my dear, for everything.
I did not know I could still feel,
this good, this bad,
and all that jazz.
Maybe just human, after all,
twisted and tortured.

You are the prize, and the punishment,
“Guilty!” I plea, guilty as charged.
Like Icarus I fell in love with the sun,
like him I flew too high,
like his, my wings were cut,
and I fall, fall, fall...

I see the rocks as I hit the ground,
my bones and heart are ripped apart.
I cannot fix myself,
In pain I scream the only cure,
your name!
How pathetic, how dreary.

Twisting...
Turning...
Pushing...
Pulling...
It tears me apart,
I can't hold on.

Why does it have to be like this?
I thought I found heaven,
but it tastes like hell.
I still believe,
I do
in you...

You,
always on the edge?
Can't you see me down bellow?
I am the roaring sea,
breaking against your cliff,
can't you see or hear?

Always on the edge,
too scared to leap,
too scared to leave,
but what should I do?
I want to go, but I know I can't,
so I will stay, until you throw me away.

See? I am stupid,
like dog with no dignity,
So hurt me, beat me down,
have no mercy!
Even then, like the dog I am,
I will return hiding my tail.

**** me, if you can,
it would be the kindest deed,
no more sorrow, for *** like me.
Nothing good in the future for me,
just past playing on repeat.
So, **** me, please.

These pills should make me feel better?
(Or should they just make me feel?)
All they do is make me sleepy.
All I want is sleep
and I can't,
'cause all I can is think.

And what burden is the thinking,
with no start and no stop.
It filled my head to a point of breaking
and I think it already broke.
'cause all I do
is think of you.

I wake tired,
(if I wake at all)
it's these pills,
how many
is too many?
I think I had too few.

Good night.

My love,
You are the only thing I got left,
it has been so long since our last kiss,
and more of it and more I miss.
why did you became so cold?
Or was it me? I never know.

Have I gone astray?
I know now, that this road ends.
Everyone I cared for
dead or betrayed,
tell me, tell me, love,
what have I became?

Was I failure from the start,
or did I fail myself as well?
I have lost my lucky stars,
now the sky is dark and gray.
Unlike the darkness in my heart,
there is some remaining light.

Whatever is out there, keep it.
I will need it no more, I've lived my share,
now it's time for someone else.
No worry, I had more than I could care.
Love and hate and hate again.
I blame no-one, I blame myself.

Don't you worry, my love,
there never was a hate for you,
only love, if love is true.
I can't let you wait no longer,
just a moment, before I go,
before my lips touch yours.

The only one who ever loved me,
you had to leave me all alone?
What to do, when you are gone?
Better you not know me now,
monster and a criminal,
no longer victim, I am the crook.

I know what and how to do it.
Not afraid of death, just of dying.
Should have done it, when I could.
I know you are dead and yet still with me,
I can hear you day and night,
and I shall too...

become.