you are not a rose
i would never compare you
to something so fickle
and temporary
you are a piece of
broken handcrafted
glass
misunderstood
dangerous
but beautiful

all night long
we stay up
I miss out on sleep
to talk to you
you kiss me sweetly
while trying
to take my pants off
all night long
we stay up
possibly
for different reasons

wishing for a break
from the hectic mania
that my mind projects
and the absolute havoc
the outside world reaps

As I look at you,
Pour your emotions into me,
I gnaw on my thumbnail.
Your eyes,
Scan over everything in the room,
Besides me.

Confessing your fears, desires, confusions,
I stare fixedly at your face.
Suddenly,
I wince in pain.
Blood runs down my finger,
Into my palm.
I did not mean,
To rip my nail off,
With my teeth.

Desolate:
Barely illuminated by the street light,
A dark figure stands,
With its hood up,
Looking into my bedroom window.

I wait for it to more forward,
To begin its expedition,
In murdering me.

But it does not move an inch,
As if to taunt me and say:,
"Stop looking."

how long
must i wait
for this weight
to be lifted
off my chest
my heart and lungs
are being crushed

as i ache
i cannot call out
for help

please love her.
lust after her
heart
body
mind
I bet she is very beautiful
I bet she is one of a kind
please love all of her
all that is not mine

i see it in your eyes
the way they falter
as my gaze
brushes along your face
i hear the crack
in your voice

your forced smile
breaks my heart

You dug your claws,
Into my pale flesh.
No scream escaped my lips.
My eyes,
Grazed over your talons.
I never saw nails,
So sharp and long.

The blood gushing down my arm,
Was a beautiful scarlet red.
Mesmerized,
I looked up at you.

Over time,
The blood dried;
The initial wonder,
Disappeared.

Day after day,
I stared at your nails,
Buried deep in my arm.
An infection brewed,
It dawned that they,
Must be removed.

I tried ripping one out,
While your back was turned.
You instinctively shoved it deeper.
Wincing in pain,
Frustrated,
Rage boiled inside me.

Extracting them from my flesh,
Sent searing waves of pain,
Throughout my body.
The grip of the very last one,
Seemed insurmountable.

The gouges healed,
Scars remain.
Some days,
A wound reopens,
And I find a piece,
Of your nail,
Thriving beneath my skin.

But when I see one,
I rip it out,
And burn it.

I pushed you away.
You hurt me first,
I ran.
You hurt me again,
That time worse.
You knocked my legs out,
From under me.
Stop,
You're winning.
You always have been,
Can't you see?

he looked back
on their love

he could not
move forward

he lashed out
and inward

when i wake
i am jarred
and embarrassed
all that i try to stuff away
blooms so beautifully
and freely
in my sleep

my dreams
paint my desires
so honestly
and never tell lies

why is it so much easier to focus on someone else in the moment?
why is it so straining reverting back to solitude?
why is it so much more desirable to be in control of someone else's body, than your own?

my brooding force,
can I call you mine,
or is that audacious?
once so soft and welcoming,
I now feel your thorns,
poking and piercing my skin.
should I brush you away?
would you have that...
or would you draw blood?

My face scrunches up,
Uncomfortably.
Hunching over,
My body draws into itself.

Tears pour out,
Streaming down my face.
Wiping them away incessantly,
Doesn't hault them,
Or my hysteria.

Rubbing uncontrollably,
The skin around my eyes,
Begins to tear.
I can no longer tell...
If I'm still crying,
Or if it's all blood,
Raining down my cheeks,
Staining everything red.

I haven't seen your face in days
We know it is better this way
I haven't seen your face in years

I long to be younger
Too naive to know
You weren't loving me
You were possessing me

Alone, cold, senseless
Your skin somehow felt warm
Under my fingertips
Focusing all my energy on you
Was, at first, euphoric
Soon the feeling was replaced
With an emptiness

Draining me of life
You carried on: complacent
Drugs and my presence
Stabilized your horrific being

Why do I still struggle
With keeping my life
Sanitized
So you can no longer
Infest it

im looking for
a shift in emotion
people can sometimes
provide this motion

I wish I could have captured,
Your feelings,
The way I snap pictures,
And eternalize moments.

I feel like an old shoe:
worn down,
falling apart,

but comfortable.

you are sinking,
into septic shallows.
seemingly spacious and safe,
you stay: slowly slipping.

sadly, static sounds in your ear.

you seep into ****,
believing it to be:
serenity.

some people will only be there for you,
if convenient.
you feel it,
so you scream "I don't need you at all,"
and they breathe, a sigh of relief.

no more pretending is necessary.

I step toward you,
You pull away.
My heart shatters,
Glass scatters,
Everywhere.

you said,
"it seems like you don't care,"
as tears streamed down my cheeks.
I kept trying to answer you,
but I couldn't breathe.

when I talk to you, it feels like I'm talking to a shell of a person.

Reality is escaping the grasp,
Of my hands.
Their hold was too loose,
The loss: inevitable.
Simultaneously living in the past,
And existing in the present,
Proves detrimental.

i think your scars are pretty.
i know,
they are meant to reflect pain,
or suffering,
or both.
but i cant stop looking at them,
and seeing how much beauty,
they add to your skin.

I refuse to acknowledge,
your vitality.
you do not deserve to exist,
in my reality.

i want to know
the sound of your heartbeat
so
send me your favorite song

why do I lurk?
I am so dumb
I sit and scroll
with my right thumb
to see what you post
and what you may like

only to make myself sad

all the wine
went to my head
you fell back
and went to bed

Sometimes it seems,
You can't see,
Just how broken and alone,
I am.
When I fall,
I have no one to turn to.
You can't kick me.
I'll scream in isolation,
Rip myself apart,
And blame it all on me.

drag a match
along my teeth
i taste the sulfur
on the tip
of my tongue
staring at the small flame
i have the strongest urge
to touch it
and feel the slight burn
then douse myself in gasoline
and be swallowed by it whole

you smile broadly
i can see all of your teeth sparkle
you give me a kiss
and dart out the door
i manage a somber smile
and wonder
why you never ask
if im okay

bathing in my emotions
feeding my feelings
nurturing my neurosis

people are too far
they seem nothing like me

Your thoughts beautifully flower within the walls of your mind.
Affixed with thorns, I am nervous to touch them.
Fearful of a rose drawing blood,
I carefully survey the complexities that rage between your ears.

Yet, to uncover the exact meaning of the intricacies,
In your garden of speculations,
I must involve my own opinions and perspective.

But how am I to find myself,
While I am buried beneath the dirt of your living.

i wanna see your heart:
open it up,
let me take a glimpse.

sheltering your fears,
holding your desires,
nurturing your passions,

i wanna feel,
how deeply you love.

sometimes i want
my bath to eat me

it's not that
i want to drown
in its water

i want my bathtub
to swallow me whole

i want to feel
the warm water
cascade around my body
as i'm pulled into
unknown depths

never to return
without a trace
that i was ever
here

at the end of the day
if all falls through
and i end up
with some distaste
for you
thanks for being kind

my fingertips are warm...
like i dipped them
into a hot bath
or ran them under
a heated faucet

like you took them
between your hands
and absorbed their chill

but you are not here
and they are warm
from the tequila

this is not supposed,
to fade this quickly.
I'm not meant,
to sink back,
into misery.
have initial butterflies,
already faded?
has my view of you,
already become jaded?
do you like me,
as you say you do...
or am I just ***,
and a dumb joke to you?

goodbye room
goodbye mountains
goodbye sun
goodbye loneliness

hello snow
hello cold
hello new opportunity

goodbye to the me
i was here

hello life
goodbye death

hello rain
goodbye pain

Although I often care too much
I can't help it, I stare too much
Now you are here,
And as I look into blue
I can only truly see you
And the color of your eyes.

casually crying
internally dying
obviously lying
about the pain
coursing through
all my veins
my blood is poisoned
with personal anguish

avoid my feelings
bolt home
distract
to avoid contact
with my emotions
of deep distress
refuse to confess
i cant suppress
the misery
any longer

i admit it
i can't drown
in my agony
anymore

i don't regret
what we have done
you opened me up again
but i can choose to close
myself back up

please bite me.
sink your teeth,
into my flesh,
and drink up my anguish.
consume my agony.
drain me,
of the pain.

**** my veins dry,
until I am hollow,
and all left to do,
is fill me up,
with your love.

the light flickers,
everything in the room is illuminated,
only momentarily.
I wish I could see where I am,
it is all so unfamiliar.

the light's mischief is unsettling.
how dare it taunt me,
with the promise of sight,
when there is no such fulfillment.