lately
i am existing in places as little as possible
where you cannot find me
where every feeling is a void
where i hope to forget

here
i feel so safe
immersed within ignorance
and you cannot touch that
you cannot intrude
you cannot inflict any more hurt
because i will not let you

locked up inside of loneliness
and here i thought you were my key

trust me when i say
that i am trying so hard
to be a better person
in so many ways

same one person
broke my heart twice
didn't i learn
the first time?
if given the chance
i know i
would let you
break for a third round
over and over
again
this dance
i could go on
and on

you're worth the torture

i am so exhausted by consistently loving you while you inconsistently "love" me

the space where you lay
has been too frightfully empty lately

poetry,
thank you
for saving my life

am i doing this right?
is this how love is supposed to feel?

your head is a very deep well
let me swim
let me drown

you ripped my heart out
and you kept it for yourself
you tried giving it back to me
piece by piece
so that you could see
just how badly i wanted you
it was a ******* game
which you gained pleasure from
when all i screamed for when it was all over
was for my heart back
broken or whole
yet you kept control
and i am the one feeding your own heart
with this now hollow chest
and gauging emptiness you left

cut out my tongue
so that i can stop telling you i love you
cut open my throat
so that i can stop screaming
from this immense pain you've brought upon me
cut off my ears
so that i can stop hearing your lies
cut out both of my eyes
so that i can forget
that you did once exist

don't you dare tell me about my pain
when you have never lived inside of my brain

everything is nothing when you are not existing

the only issue
to being highly perceptive to pain
is being perceptive to everyone else's

all i do lately is lay in bed and pass the time
until i can again call you mine

it's late
you're already asleep
i'll tiptoe down the streets
hoping you haven't forgotten about me

just for an hour even -
can i lay in your bed with you?
lately you're my only medicine
lately the doses have become too small and too few

it'll be like nothing bad ever happened
nothing bad ever happened

I used to write about you a lot. I haven't written in so long. I guess the hurt became way too heavy and I didn't want to sit there anymore and try to make sense of it, or try to heal myself from it. There was nothing to do anymore but to sit in silence and feel it.

i was alone before you found me
and i can be alone again when you leave
(i don't need anything from you)

if you stop writing about the bad stuff
if you stop talking about it -
then does it cease to exist?
does it blur away
within the haze
that you are trying to be lost in?

and i'm sorry that i love too hard
too much
too all at once

i'm sorry that i can't help but to break down
when i imagine your body
intertwined with someone's else

i wanted to get rid of everything
i wanted to throw away everything
i wanted to throw away our bed
just to get you outside of my head
i wanted to break all of the plates
into a million pieces
because eating from them alone
made me now shake
i wanted to burn all of the curtains
i wanted to burn the couch
because you no longer
occupy the space next to me on it
i wanted to smash the tv in
just as you did to my heart
i couldn't watch our shows anymore
i wanted to strip the walls
of all of their color
because you picked out that shade of red
but now i'm sick of looking at it
i wanted to break all of the windows and jump out
lay amongst the glass shards in the lawn
come and find me here alone
come and see what you have done
to our home

why are words so important?

because everything that you write
is an imprint of your life

you said goodbye again tonight
not for the first time
as i was staring at you from across the room
****** ****** ringing inside of my head
yet all i could do
is remain silent

i would never say goodbye to you
yet for you -
it is so easy to say to me

the way i saw you smile
when i told you that i love you
and you didn't say it back
but it was just the way that you smiled
that meant so much more than that

i enjoy my solitude
but i wouldn't mind
if you jumped into it with me, too

if you can't stand up for me
then you don't deserve to stand next to me

i do not make you happy
any longer
it is in your face
it is laced within your words that you speak to me
it is within your weary eyes that now look at me with such remorse and hurt
i no longer am
a source of your happiness
the realization of which
kills me slowly
but surely
i must go
because i can show you and tell you
how much i love you
yet it will never reach you
and i am so terribly sorry
for becoming a source of pain
but, i love you
and i, still do
so if you are free from me
you will bloom
into a happiness i could never obtain for you

long ago,
do you remember?
when you used to write me love letters

That's the beauty of life
Sometimes you detoriate and die
Sometimes you thrive

i like you more when you are sober
yeah, you're so much better
i like you more when you are you
that's the one i love and choose

i wrote you
notebooks full
you never read
a single word
i'm not writing
about you
anymore

i don't want to have a face
and i don't want to have a name
i want to crumble away
i want to be free of this brain
i want to forget all that was, and is
i want to cease to exist
so that i may live

i'm not afraid of you falling out of love with me and forgetting about me
i'm afraid of you finding someone who can make you happier than i ever did
and i will just become bad memories
not even a good memory
i'm afraid of you learning to hate me
through all of the bad stuff we went through
and she can make you forget
oh she made you completely forget

you don't know this
but when you smile
the kind that goes from ear to ear
i simply sit there and feel
all of the overwhelming love that i have for you
and i am calm in that smile and i am in love
god, i am in love

do you feel
my
hollow loneliness
screaming at you
from across
the world?

he does not want you anymore
and he no longer thinks that you are beautiful

she said, i'm killing myself tonight
he said, okay

in my head did you lay
in my head you always will stay

why do i continue writing when absolutely no one is listening to me?

i sailed my heart away from your violent waves
never again will i be pulled under the currents which you cannot face
i sailed for so long until i reached the shore
you became my sad and lost gone love, nothing more

i don't have anyone
i have nothing, and i am no one
i have no face
i possess no voice
i feel the silence that is so unsettling
yet comforting
i am alone and there is no door
i sit and disintegrate
until i return to the earth as my bones

you made me feel                          
           [ SO LOVED ]
but then one day you disappeared
                      [ CLEAR OUT OF SIGHT ]
now, i ask
                                [ WHERE DO I GO?]

we connected stars into constellations because we were that beautiful together
but as it is with all constellations
the stars broke apart and each went their own ways
the constellation feeling as a mere dream
and now we just look for other stars to feel complete

i want your head space
in my bed space
i want your warmth
against these cold pillows
fingers intertwined against sheets
passing moments
buried in sleep

I try not to listen to first day of my life
especially when I don't want to cry
all of my memories come flooding
of that first snowy december night
the night I saw you standing in the garage
as you opened the door and I stepped out of my car
I had drove that whole hour
feeling more excited than anxious
and it was like a picture perfect moment
with the snow falling, and us standing there feet apart
seeing each other for the very first time in our lives that had yet begun
you told me, my life started when I met you
yet today, does that still remain true?
I was going through a rough time
and in that moment, everything seemed promising to be okay
just because of you existing
I truly am glad that I didn't die before I met you
and you loved me
when it was impossible for me to love myself
though these days I am getting better at it
maybe because you tried to teach me self-love
and I will forever love you for that

i kicked rocks by my feet to make it all go away
i thought of your face and how happy and sad it makes me to see
i continued walking alone in the dark, recreating our best moments inside of my head
i really wish you didn't have to leave, i could be everything for you if you let me
but you are stone cold and said 'good night, good bye'
i watched you walk away and my heart died

i saw your face
through stained glass window
making it appear
more beautiful than it actually is
i saw your cold dead, ghost hand
frozen to the bone
bleach white, veins popping blue
an electric map i could trace
but i don't want you anymore
i drowned your face, dark ink
as toxic as you made me

'how are the thoughts? the bad thoughts?'
oh, they're better, they're better...
with a feigned smile and cover down sleeves
i am so much better
i'm sorry, but i have to lie through my teeth...

all i am seeing is you
in everything that i do
and all of me
is lost in you
when i see you
i see you
and when i see you
i love you
and when i am alone
i am a ghost
my fingers fit
nowhere else
i know i need to
bury this hatchet
which you have hurt me with
over
and
over again
but my hands are lead
and can find no dirt
and my biggest fear
is you forgetting
that i exist
how this chest
no longer is a home
to a heart
it's lost
in you
when i see you

you
me
and a gun
let's have some fun?
see who
bites the bullet
first?

if she was gone
would you go looking for her?
if she disappeared
would you search the thin air?
if you never saw her body again
would you still remember how it felt
within your hands
until you are dead?