Twin towers up so high
Who know they'd fall from the sky
Fifteen years ago
A tragedy that we all know
So many died
And so many cried
Now all can do is remember the dead
We think what can not be said

A girl sits on a park bench
Her head back looking at the sky
Hair waving gently in the breeze
Her old summer dress hanging loosely
On her small frame

Many people walked past her
Happy family's going to have picnics
Friends laughing and smiling together
People by themselves
Going about their peaceful lives

Not a single person stopped
Not even giving the girl a second glance
They seemed not to have seen
That she was far to skinny
Or the faded lines upon her skin

It's not that they ignored her
They were just so naive
They didn't know the signs
No one taught them to recognize
What was there before their eyes

So when the girl stood up
And walked right out the park
They did not stop her
And did not know
That this day would be her last

<
The light bulb flickers and then goes out
Just when you think its gone for good
It stutters back on
Its bright light spreading across the room once again
>
The girl suffers, struggling to stand tall
Just when she has fallen
And you think she's down for the count
She gets back up with a smile to show all
<
You know that one day the light won't turn back on
And the room will be filled with darkness
Until the day you buy another
Replacing the old with something brand new
>
You know that one day she will not get back up
And she will be defeated and lost.
Until the day that you decide to help her up
Out of the sympathy in your heart
<
But the new bulb will never be quite the same
It will always be a slightly different shade of light
Never quite as bright as it use to be
>
But the girls smile will never be quite the same
It will always have a slightly different feeling behind it
Never quite as big as it use to be

^
**But just because its different
Doesn't mean we don't love it just as much
It's special in its own unique way.
There is no way a replacement could ever be the same,
So you shouldn't expect it to be

If the lizards tail
Is to ever be cut off
It always grows back

I can feel someone's hands inside my abdomen,
Holding all my vital organs in those hands,
And squeezing till I feel like I might burst.
They have their hands around my throat,
So that I can't speak, can't move, can't breathe.
Until there is no way I could ever escape from them.

The insomniatic somnolence coats me.
16kHz of sound running through my eardrums.
Empty words written on the walls of bathroom cubicals.
The lifes of people who come and go,
Snagged on the emtpy soap dispensers.

***** lino floors folded at the edges.
The rattling sounds of doors locking around me.
Plastic seats flipped down to carry weights,
Of the people who come to just sit down.
The rusted hinges on doors I can't seem to leave through.

This is both my prison and my safety.

When you say you want to die,
I want to say 'me too',
But I can't,
Because you're only eleven.

When you ask about the scars on my arm,
I tell you it happen by accident,
So not to give you any ideas,
Because you're only eleven.

When you cry and I hold you tight,
I tell you a lie,
That everything is going to be ok,
Because you're only eleven.

When I cry I cover my eyes,
I don't want you to see my pain,
So I can help you deal with yours,
Because you're only eleven.

When things get to hard,
I want to keep you safe,
So you don't have to face the world alone,
Because you're only eleven.

When you say you want to die,
I promise to help you live,
And give you the support I never got,
Because I was only seven.

Fingers sliding across my skin
Bu-dum bu-dum bu-dum
Like a car over speed bumps

Red beads on my wrist
Meaningless memories
I've tried to leave behind

Rainbow Vains
To clear the lack of colour
Tell me when it rains

The creases flowing rivers
Crisscrossing on their journey
Pulled along by strings of fate

Calluses sparce on thin skin
Protection against the common
On this irregular sphere

I am I!

I scream to the sky
And do you want to know why?
Because too day is my day

When I get up in the morning
My hopes are up soaring
Like the birthday bird from Katroo

Today was the day of my birth
Without it I would have no worth
Because I would be an isn't

A day filled with happiness and joy
A day nothing bad could destroy
Even if someone tried

Because today I am me
And that is all I'll ever be
Today I'll make you see

I am I!

How can you even start to express to someone that you want to watch yourself bleed...

That you want to rip open your own skin and feel the warmth trickel down you body.
Watching it seap out of you and slide across your skin.

How do you explain that this is a craving stronger then you could ever describe and ever so hard to resist.
That this red liquid is able to quench your metaphorical thirst for emotional relief.

How can you explain that that it helps...
That in some twisted way the pain makes everything hurt less.

How do you explain to them that it scares the living hell out of you,
That this is something you can do to yourself,
That this is something you want to do to youself.
The knowing that even after so many years you still crave it,
And you don't think you will ever stop craving it.

How can you explain to them that you don't want them to think you're crazy.
That it just hurts too much for you to bare.
That you are trying to bare it but the pain you feel inside is too much.

That the fact that you can't see this pain scares you,
that others can't see your pain scares you,
That you don't even understand this pain scares you.
And maybe this is why you crave watching yourself bleed.

It's a pain you can see,
A pain that others can see,
A pain you can understand,
But now that you see the pain you understand that you don't want others to see it.
Because how could you even beguin to explain.


How could I ever beguin to expain to you that I want to watch myself bleed...

White
The only colour around him
White walls
White ceiling
White people

Red
The colour of blood
The colour of the hair
That ran down her shoulders
Red

The red scared him
It scared him more than the white did
The same colour that invaded his nightmares
And tortured his mind with memories
That would never be forgotten

Red was her colour
she was the nightmares
she was the memories
she was his torturer

Black was his colour
He was the dark shadows
He was a wild animal
He was her plaything

She controlled him
Left him lost and helpless
Filled him with fear and doubt
She drove him insane

When my day is feeling gray
And my mind is in disarray
I look outside
Only to find
A blue butterfly
Fluttering through the sky

When I saw the blue
Of its wings as it flew
It brought a smile to my face
As its wings flap with grace
It brings happiness in its wake
And many friends does it make*
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Often the ones who hate themselves the most,
Are the very same people who are the most loving.
They give out their love like giving bread to birds,
They throw it all away and forget to keep any for themselves.
That is why it is up to us to give them some of our bread,
no matter how stale,
To those amazing people who have nothing left to eat.

To not let them win

They said not to give them a reaction
To not get angry or yell
Because that's what they wanted
Then they would just go away

So I did

I didn't give them a reaction
And I was only ever nice to them
Eventualy they did get board
And they did go away

But they had still won

They were the only ones
That could have been my friends
Without them I was by myself
Sitting alone while they forgot me

I had still lost

A million centipedes are crawling under my skin.
I've killed all the plants in my mind's garden.
Waterlogged with saline as I try to dehydrate my face.
But I'm not prepared when they come out to play.
They climb up the hypertrophic ladders on my skin.
Clawing at me while I rip off all their anthropomorphic legs.
They seep poison into my bloodstream that contaminates my brain.
It leaves me helpless.

Are children really so childish
Aren't they only just discovering what they wish
They should be protected from all their fears
And not have to shed so many tears
They should be able to let their imaginations run wild
Without their innocence ever being defiled
They should be able to be free
Not to worry about the waves of the deep blue sea
Can't we all just protect them
so nothing can ever hurt them

You know about the clowns
With their terrible sounds
Terrifying the city
And thinking the're witty

I hold be breath
Because they scare me to death
They hide in the trees
Can they not please

They use to make me laugh
Now on my behalf
Please tell them to leave
Before All Hallows' Eve

When something is so hot that is makes you realise how cold you are...

I didn't write my essay...

Because in a room of silence,
Everything feels so loud.
My brain is screaming at me to run away,
Like the paper in front of me has claws and teeth,
Just waiting to tear me apart.
I want to tear it apart.

I can feel it bubbling and boiling up my throat,
Suffocating me so the anxiety can breath.
But I can't breath.
When did this silence become so deafening?

Your words hurt
I hope you know
They cut like knives
I told you so

Your worried about the scars
that we leave on our skin
But yours are the ones
That lie deeper within

Your are our role models
Of whom we seek to make proud
So please think
Before you shout so loud

What you say is
"For your protection"
Isn't how you
should show affection

You look at us with anger
And excuses so wild
Sometimes I have to wonder
Who is the child?

Please don't yell
Show that you care
Please encourage us
And give us our share

Please be the adult
And don't cuss
And please, oh please
Tell us that you love us

Making friends is hard to do
But I think I've made one in you
As friends we are all set
Even though we've never meet

I knew you before I knew your face
Getting to know you feels like a race
You are so friendly, amazing and kind
Your good qualities aren't hard to find

I can't wait to hear more from you
Keeping in touch I will certainly do

I call you a brick
Because your head is to thick
To comprehend what I'm saying

Your opinion is like a wall
And your brain is just too small
To change your point of view

You are not always right
Everything is not so black and white
You can change what you think

Is it all in you mind
Or are you just so blind
That you can't see the truth

It's OK to be wrong
To not be so headstrong
And be like everyone else

Have a change of heart
Because thats what makes you smart
So learn to keep a open mind

*Don't be a brick

"Please don't leave"

She just gives me a look
But thats all she needs
To show all her feelings

"How can I be leaving
if i was never really here
in the first place"*

Her voice filled with sadness
As she turns away
Walking with sure steps

I watch her back
As she walks out the door
Tears rolling down my face

To not let them win

They said to not give them a reaction
To not get angry
because that's what they wanted
Then they would just go away

So I did

I didn't give them a reaction
And I was only ever nice to them
And they did get bored
and when away

But they had still won

They were only ones
that could've been my friends
Without them I was by myself
Sitting all alone while they forgot me

I had still lost

Falling

Falling forever downwards
Into a hole that just grows
Deeper and deeper
And darker and darker

Digging

Digging my hole deeper
With every mistake I make
Every time I mess up
Every time I hurt someone

Crying

Crying tears fall from my eyes
The shame and embarrassment
Saying sorry is not enough
For me to be forgiven

Remembeing

Remembering every mistake I made
No matter how small they are
Or how bad my memories is
They will never stop replaying in my mind

Begging

Begging for forgiveness
For things they probably don't remember
And that probably don't care about
But they need to know that I do

Hoping

Hoping that one day they will forgive me
And that I will forgive myself
For the things that create my hole
And then mabey I will stop...

Falling

It's nice to see you
Where've you been
I want to know
What's been happening

I can't help but think
It's been awhile
I've missed you a load
Especially your smile

There are so many things
I want to share
Your might even need
To pull up a chair

I'm so, so sorry
I have been gone so long
I really missed this place
Where I will always belong

I lie
I know I do
And that you do too
I lie about things that matter
I lie so that people won't chatter
I lie to feel that I am blameless
I lie but am still not shameless

When I was 5 I was a lier
I stole chocolates from my mother
Then I told her it was my brother

When I was 10 I was a lier
I did not do what I should have
But I said it was all I could have

Now I'm 15 and am still a lier
My friends ask me why I don't smile
I tell them that it's just my style

I do not want to be like this
I wish I could say what is true
I wish that I could breakthrough
This web of lies
To do so would be unwise
I'm far too deep within this hole
And the time has taken its toll

*But I lie because I'm scared
Of what people might think
If they knew what I do when they blink

We belong together
Me and you
I can feel it
In what we do

Our hands don't fit
Together quite right
It wasn't love
At first sight

I won't always be there
But what ever I do
Still know that
I love you

I miss you,
But I know you don't.
I wish you would,
But I know you won't.

I miss your (pained) smile,
And the way that you walked.
The way you (never) really,
Listened when I talked.

I miss the words your said,
Your advice I would (never) need.
How when we walked,
You would always (make me) lead.

I miss the way you (didn't) acknowledge me,
How you were always three steps ahead.
The way you would (never) hug me,
No matter what I said.

I miss you,
And I will forever.
It's ok if you forget me,
As I know our bond will never sever.

I hear the creaking of a door in my mind.
I couldn't help but feel inclined,
To look behind,
And see what I might find.

But I did not think,
that it would be my well of ink.
I couldn't help but make a link,
To an old kitchen sink.

When I saw that inkwell,
I needed to quell,
The fear that fell,
Upon me as my very own barbell.

I knew what it mean,
And that it was not its intent,
To torment,
But I wish that it would relent.

So I could just spend,
Sometime to amend,
And apprehend,
The part of me that has reached a dead end.

You see their grey
But you look away
You pretend not to see
You ignore their silent plea
Your eyes make contact
But you don't react
Their lost in an ocean
Trying try not make a commotion
Shunned by life
It cuts like a knife
Their love forgotten
Their mind all rotten
Leaving only anger and sadness
Bottles up inside the madness

Don't look away
You can see their gray
Do not ignore
Help them sore
Let them fly away
And don't forget to say

*I See You

I wonder

Is the sun jealous of the moon
Or the fork of the spoon
Does the pencil envy the pen
Just a little, now and then

Does the tree begrudge the flower
Or the minute of the hour
Does the computer resent the phone
Because it has to stay at home

I wonder

You've known me all my life
So why can't you accept me
I can feel you watching me
Judging me for being me

I'm still the same person
I haven't changed at all
But yet you treat me differently
Like someone you don't know

I no longer feel so open
Like I need to hide
To not show you the parts of me
That you know are there

I thought I could trust you
I thought that you cared
I thought you would still love me
The same way you did before

But I was wrong
And I still don't understand
Why you can't let me be me
And show you who I am

Some people live their entire lives without ever seeing the light
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Not because they can't, but because they refuse to even try
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Don't stay in the darkness

You called me cupcake
Because that's all you saw
The sweetest parts of me
Not the the scars that I bore

I will call you a lion
Because of the strength in your heart
You were always so brave
So caring, so smart

But now we have both turned to mice
Too scared to fight our wars
Because you are not longer mine
And I not longer yours

This is not what I wish
Disassociated from you
Without a word spoken
To much isolation for two

I want you to know
That I still love you
Just not the way...
I use to

I want to talk
I want to speak
I want you to smile 
So my world isn't so bleak

Just because your not 
My whole world any more 
That doesn't mean I don't 
Need you to be part of it

Sometimes meanings just get lost in translation,
Whether it's from Japanese to English,
Or simply from my thoughts to my words.

There is mask I wear to cover my face,
A mask that I can never replace.
I know my mask will keep me hidden,
From showing my feelings that should be forbidden.

When tears fall from my eyes,
My mask will only show lies.
Sometimes I wish I could to be true,
And show people that they haven't got a clue.

But later I know it is all worthwhile,
When I can finally show my real smile.

There was a young boy
A child as lost as one could be
He did not know who he was
Or his reason to be

The boy found a room
The room had no purpose
No reason to be
But it was still there
Like it was just meant to be

In the room he found a mirror
The mirror had no point
No reason to be
But it was still there
Like it just didn't even care

Above the mirror he found a sign
The sign had no explanation
No reason to be
But it was there
Like it just belonged

On the sign he found writing
The words had no meaning
No reason to be
But they were still there
Like they were just meant to be read

The boy read the writing
Trying to find an answer
To find who it was
That made him feel so lost

But after reading that writing
Upon the sign that belonged
Above the mirror that didn't care
In the room that was meant to be
He no longer needed to find an answer

The boy who turned away
From the mirror that didn't care
And walked out
Of the room that was meant to be

He what not lost
But all so not found
He was someone with a purpose
Someone who had found meaning to their life
He knew what he had to do


*'The mirror will reflect your greatest enemy' read the sign

The crunching sound of glass under the sole of my shoe.
The gentle bend as the metal frames twisted unrecognisably.
Fragments littering the cement around me.
For what purpose did I need them.

Walking away.
Dread and edrenaline mix together.
Jumping at my own shadow.
Yet no longer having to look at the world.

No longer having to see it.
But still stuck inside it.
Standing behind the retina.
Behind the same distorted lenses.

Shame.
Longing.
Blind.
Lost.

Stop using me as an excuse
To make them feel disrespected
Don't tell me what I'm feeling
Just becuase you think I'm neglected

You say that "Now she knows
What it's like from your point if view"
But may I please ask
What does this have to do with you

Stop telling them that they are a sinner
Becuase to understanding you are a begginer

They live life as best they can
So what if they want to be a man

Just because they have
Changed their birth name
Doesn't give you reason to ignore
the challenges they overcame

Your say you love them
But I find that has to believe
You may be old and wise
But you are still so naive

You wanted to change them back
But what's done is done
You may have lost a granddaughter
But you gained a grandson

Someone once told me that pain is an illusion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But that doesn't mean you can't feel it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What reality is isn't important
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's that way you perceive it

The the words whizzing around my head,
A swarm of bees around my ears,
So loud I can't think,
I'm sorry what did you say?

Sometimes I find I can't think
So I decide to write in ink
I'll write a few lines
In the form of rhymes

Hoping for my emotions
To be expressed
The feelings that refuse
To be oppressed

So I post them online
No matter the time
Hoping my word
Can and will be heard

A gun brings scarlet
A rose the colour of blood
Too many lives lost

I scream and shout
But nothing comes out
I cry and shed tears
But none will appear
So I'll shout some more
Until it starts to pour
Then I'll stand in the rain
And let go of this pain