The words are pouring out of me
The thoughts scramble in my head
As i lay in stress in this bed

I'm so deeply depressed
I write this out loud for all to see
And everyone says go seek therapy

It's like a shock when they hear
I am already seeking professional help and couseling
So they assume I'm fine and let the phone just ring

Everyone thinks the gesture of the hotline is good enough
Never stopping to realize i know the number
That's supposed to stop me from my eternal slumber

No one ever thinks
That a simple hug or being around
Could help someone keep their feet on the ground

If once someone could be there and listen while i cry
Just as simple as knowing someones there to comfort me in the dark
It would help me keep a little bit of spark

But I've learned all too well
People are inherently selfish as of late
They can't stop to help you with all that's on their own plate

Now i don't want to be the ***** who thinks she's better then all
Im just saying what i believe to be true
No one has ever stopped to help when I'm deep in blue

Unless i came crying and begging to them
Even then it takes them time before they'll stop to see if I'm okay
Becuase they have more important things then if I'll decide to live another day

I myself am selfish as can be
But i always tried to fight it and stop to help anyone in need
But to expect that from another is what's truly selfish of me

Broken girl
Empty world
Repeating these words

My hearts been half alive
Except when we three collide
Sunshine and rain we thrived

The noise is drowning
The smiles are frowning
Loneliness is pounding

Breaking inside
You try to hide
My heart just can't deny

The bowl is empty now
Tipping without dripping somehow
Until the glass shattered down

You made smoke mirrors
my heart numb with errors
I did not want to feel the terror

The dark hit the sun
I knew i didn't belong
beautiful moments suddenly felt gone

Why must i cry at my joyous past
With you forever it would last
breaking down with pain so vast

I thought my heart to be broken
But a new feeling has awoken
Being fixed is stolen

I'm shattered

Is it time to let go?
Time to move on?
I keep feeling as if
It's wrong

It feels so long
Since i wrote
Yet i know
It wasnt much
Time ago

Should i write?
Should i pass
Should i sit and wait
In the grass

It was a field of green
Wind blowing
Sun out
Now it's cold
And snowing

The grass is dying
I think I'm crying
Should i try
To start flying
Away

I talk about you
Everyday
But the drama
Got in the way

You probably don't
Even care one thought
But the worry
Maybe you do
And this distance
Is for naught

I almost wrote you
Yesterday
Or was that today
My days melt into each other
As we once did

I used to write
Every other week
A silly antidote
Or a simple hello
Made me smile

Now i try to type
But the letters scurry away
Theyre afraid
I'll upset
The weather

The storm was always coming
But i never listened
To adults
Who told me how to take
Cover

I'm at a loss
I feel so lonely
You surely don't care
As much as i do

My pen is fading
My thumbs are numbing
Mt heart aches
To type a letter
As my hands break

It's wrong
I didn't belong
But it's been so long
Maybe you miss
My silly
Song

Should i write?
Maybe a smile
Will cross your face
And I'll feel in place
Again

Should i pass?
Maybe annoyance
Would disrupt your tune
and take away
Your calm moon

I'm at a crossroads here
Which way do i go
I always pick the wrong path
Yet i still don't ******* know

Should i say hello
Or say goodbye

You are a rose
Sweet yet sharp
You are a boulder
Strong yet unappreciated

Like a bird learning to fly
Pushed down without help
You arise Everytime

A mother saving her kids
From the hungry beasts
Preying upon your cave
You fight and always win

You are a warrior
Lovely, pure, and brave

You give more joy then
Saint Nick himself
For you are more kind
More caring and strong
Then any human can hope to be

You're my sister
And I thank God for making you so
❤️

It's been 8 months
Why am I not
  Over
        It
Why is it
   Swallowing
              Me
                   Deep
                          Er?

I fall
    Steeper
The pain
In my chest
I grow
       Weaker
Life looks
      So
          Much

              Füçking
                     BLEAKER

help me
Help me
My distractions
Are
        Gone

Stop
Swallowing
Me
         Whole

I'm an empty bowl
        Drained
                Pained
  Stained

In your blood

My eyes
Our but a
                Flood
                ~~~~~~~~
I drown
And drown
     Drowning
            Drowning
No breathing

I let go
I forget
I
Get
Lost
In my screams
      Agonizing
               Patronizing
            Losing
Loser
Lost
  Gone
          Ghost

You haunt me
     Every *******
   DĀY

      Please

Please please
Please    
          Please
                    please
PLEASE


Go away
Haunting nightmares
Love and friendship
Lies and guts
Demons and monsters
     You are
              Nobody to me

Go away
        Leave my mind
              Clean my heart
   Of your
                  "love"

Whip off the glove
I wear
As you tear

I want it gone
    8 months strong

I want you
Gone
Her gone
All of her
  Bye
Go away
You have no place here

        To stay
Please .....
       ....please
                       ...   Please




    Stay?

I can not love
For noone will love me
I can not give
For no one will let me

My smile is fake
My heart only shakes
My head is an earthquake
Crumbling and cracking

They told me to get over it
It's in the past
I can grow through this
But the voices won't leave

How can I not feel lonely
When my blood hurt me
The blood I trusted and loved
The blood I followed and obeyed

They betrayed
And left me like a stray
I ran so far away
But I'm incomplete

I always have been
I found myself last year
But lost it in the fear
That speaking up was bad

You taught me that
You ignored my whole life
But taught me one clear message
Fear everything for it is evil

Only obedience is pure
Purity is true beauty
Talking back is mutiny
My life is worthless
You are my king

Take everything
Throw me away
Ask me why I didn't stay
Because I can't find my own way

I am a stray
No one wants to rescue me
Forever a lost kitten
Someone please put me to sleep

Burn me
Burn me
Burn
Me

You're yellow like a daisy
I'm blue like a raindrop
I'm falling
Falling
Fell
Into the warmth of summer

I was in love with winter
But it only led to
Dispair

My eyes reopened
To the sight of the deep hues
Of summer blooming
Bees flying
And pollinating
Life

I was dead
Blowing over
Into frozen ice
And melted
Dirt

A seed found me
Gave me new life
To grow
Grow
Growing
Into what
I do not know
But it's
Pleasant

The snow has her beauty
But it leaves you cold
And empty

You're a yellow sunflower
Green with strength
Pedals ever so soft
And cute
I smile with you
Waving all about

Perk me up
As you do so sweetly
In the light of the sun
Is this summer fun?
I always ran
Ran
Running
But my god
You're so
Stunning

I decided to stop
And smell the roses
Such delight you bring
To my nose
I have arose
From my sorrowful slumber
I see you
An adorable
Wonder!

Bloom with me if you please
For i fear if you blow away
I'll let autumn bring me down
And drown again
In my frozen
Lake

Skin too hot
I'm a moth in a flame
I want to take a one way train
Somewhere colder

Maybe when I'm older
I'll understand the wasps
And why they sting so hard
No one likes a bard

Yet here I am
Must be a nuisance
To the ears of my enemies
Though I still consider most them friends

Wait til the week ends
Til theirs a new trend
They'll bring a patch
For my stung grasp

Let me sit in the grass
Ripping it off the ground
That's the only good I've found
When you are all around

Keep me by the dirt
My enemies lay here close
As they should be
The grass must be why they're all so
Green

How long can I pretend
To feel
To heal
What's real ?
I'm lost
∆°In the surreal ∆°
The art is false
The grass is grey
I'm a needle
In hay
Nobody's looking
Lost forever

Old memories flood in me
So so many
Storms of memories
Of you
Of me
Of everything
I once dreamed

I was so deeply in love
never to touch
You
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you
My heart

I saw magic
With us
You are why
I believed in
The sky
At night
At sunlight
The moon
The romance
The perfect chance
To steal
A kiss
To feel
The bliss

I remember it
So vividly
I held onto you
You kept me living
Breathing
Full of
Hope
You helped me
Fight
So many demons
You helped me
Survive
For so many reasons

I never could thank you
You might find me crazy
You probably always knew
The crush I had on you
It was awkward
Embarrassing
Yet sweet
And charming

I love you
not in that way
I adore you
For helping me
Stay
Alive
Most nights
I wanted to die.
when I saw you
My hope shined through
You gave me a chance
To sparkle
To shine
To leave my pain
Behind

I kept a photo of you
To never forget
To never regret
I treasured every moment
They were small moments
Meant nothing to you
I was just a small girl
In your large world,
But you were everything
To me

Never mean to me
You spoke to me
You were kind to me
That's all I needed
You were beauty
To me
In my eyes
You gave me reason
To realize
I could love
I could climb above
And feel
It all
Feel the helpless
Romance
Feel the imaginary
Dance
Feel my heart
Beging to
Prance

You gave me
Everything
I needed
To be a girl
You gave me a
Whole entire
Shimmering
World

I had a chance
To grab ahold
To have you
To find us
To see it through
I decided
It's best to
only pretend
To know
All of you
I never want
The magic
The secret
Taunt
To go away
No
I want the romance
I dreamed of
To stay
So to you
I strayed
I ran far away
Part of me wanted to play
all of me knew
To keep away
So I can hold onto
My feelings
My hope
Of girlhood
Of a sweet, Romantic
Rope
I clung to so tight
I never wanna see
A night
Where that could be tarnished

So thank you
For being my
Sweetest crush
For the most
Innocent of lust
For letting me
Feel
Without limitations
For letting my mind
Run wild
With imagination
It kept me alive
It kept me burning
With passion

Thank you so much
For the beautiful journey
And lesson
Thank you
For being you
You have no idea
Of what you saved me
Through

I just want to tap dance
Twirling skirts
Fast feet

Tip tip tap!

Going fast
It's gonna last
Forever

Fun music
No worries
Bring others with stories

To dance off
It's art
It's beauty

It's not unruly
Outlaw me
I'm so quick and speedy

Let me move my feet
In the summer heat
Flowers blooming so neat!

Let me shake my bottom
In the flowing autumn
I feel like I'm a blossom

Tippitty tippity tap!

It's a smack
To the ground
With joyous sound

Musical notes fly
High in the sky
Giving hope a try

Swirl into the blue dew
It's harmonious
And delicious

My feet tapping
The beat rapping
Everyone's fingers snapping

Except I'm burning out
I'm draining like a cloud
Energy spewing down

My eyes burn
My ears hear no sound
Words leave my mouth

My head's gone south
To the floor
I can't take this no more

The tip tip tapping

It isn't stopping
It's going too fast
I'm burning out

Taptaptaptap
Taptaptaptap

How is this fun
We all need to run
I'm burning in the sun

The heat blisters my skin
This feels like sin
take off that stupid grin

Let me sleep
Please stop dancing
It's not enchanting

It's loud and piercing
Everything is gleaming
My blood is streaming

Please calm down folks
Stop the obnoxious talks
I'm not insane

I just must restrain
From too much tapping
Because my body starts overlapping

Sunshine and grog
Dancing through thick fog
Midst over mountains
Shimmering gold in fountains

The feeling of serenity
Calmness and warmth
Soul inspiring
Never expiring

Enthrall me within
Give me that special grin
Always without sin
Purity so complete

Never to defeat
Warriors heart inside
I'll never abide
With man's side

I am wild and free
I am a cold winters breeze
A storm of brim and stone
Ashes flung and flown

I am a witch burning
Never returning
To their master
I will run faster

You cannot stop me
Stinging like a bee
Souring with graceful ease
I am a fairie never to please

I will use my sword
I will say my words
With passion and curse
Do your absolute worst

I am me
And she is free
Maybe only inside
In my own mind
But she you will never find
She is but mine
A special kind
A loving mother
In which moss takes cover

Leave it lone
She is alone
But pain is gone
For peace is beauty
And green is all she can see

That is me
I am green with grass
Yellow with daisies
And free with fairies
Loved by many
And giving so much
I am glee
And complete
With me

On my own

Thou shall not ****
Thou shall not lie
Thou shall not take thy name in vain
Tho shall not commit adultery
Thou shall obey me
Thou shall not get in my way
Thou shall not eat my food
Thou shall not go outside
Thou shall not think that way
Thou shall not misbehave
Thou shall not cry
Thou shall not ******* exist

These are your commandments
Follow them or you will suffer
Suffer in life and death
Suffer even with your last breath
Don't act like I'm not loving
Why are you running
I have given you everything

God I wish you would stop crying

I am so ******* tired
Of being sad
Tired of trying
With everything i have

Tired of living
Just to cry
Please god
Let me die

My tears came
From being alone
Now theyre here
For reasons unknown

Waking up everyday
Just to lay in bed
Dreading life away
Scared of what's ahead

It's so dark
I can't see a future
All i know is pain
Why is life such torture

Why do i fear death
How can it be worse
Then living this solem life
To breathe is a ******* curse

My suffering is on repeat
Isolated and alone
I tried to break free
Eternal hell I've been shown

God writing these words
Makes me sick
All it does
Is slow down my fit

I could never convey
The endless hell
Why do i even bother
In trying to tell

Someone ******* shoot me
Since i can't do it myself
I'm a nobody don't worry
You won't go to hell

For killing me
Wouldn't be sin
No-one would care
As I die with a
Grin

We are but flowers in the wind
We grew together
Different but with shared roots

Someone picked us
They tore us away
Now we each fly

With pedals swaying ever softly
We search for one another
But stumble upon brick walls

We hit the ground
But tis not soil we can grow on
We start to wither

The sun mocks us every day
The color we shared together fades
When will we ever blossom again

Someone picks one of us up
With a smile so bright
They put us back together in a jar of life

This jar may not let us live long
But we are together now
We are where we belong

From untouchable
To wonderstruck
From Xena and Gabrielle
To Damon and Elena
To looking at the stars
And breathing in the moon
From that's the way I loved you
To a thousand years

With laughter
And heart
Running away
To a jump start
Faith and hope
Everyone telling us
You are
The poems I always
Wrote

You are the love
I sought for
The wonderstruck
And enchanted
Dancing in the snow
Or breathing in October
You and me
Once drunk
Now sober

We are everything
My heart dreamed
Lying in a cold car
Singing wonderstruck songs
Playing along in my dreams
Never to be
Never to be
Yet here we are
More than I dreamed

More then I could know
Unselfish love
Innocent like a dove
Laughing and hugs
Simplicity and the whole **** sky above
We had red
We had blue
I have you
You have me
To pink
And gold
To all I ever want to know
To your heart
And my soul

To my best friend
My lover
Heaven always knew
It was destiny
It was meant to be
To Cinderella
And holding you
I'll keep your hoodie
You'll keep my
Sparkling shoe👠

It's dark
Dark as coal
Im sitting here
Screaming

Head buried in knees
White dress torn
Crying trapped in here

I see you appear
In my dreams
Of hell

You i can tell
Have also fell
Into the dark

I lie here torn apart
This torment only i own
Only selfishly

Open my eyes
I see you in the sky
Dark and crumbling

My lips fumbling
You are trapped
In the same torn dress

We suffer the same stress
My mind closes in
I see your tears

It grows my fears
For a second
I give up all hope

Why bother trying
When you're in the same *****
Shimmer of light peaks inside

For if i can take this life
And not back down
You are with me in this

We will share the crown

The nights were crisp
If I remember right
The lights were bright
As we past each car

The talks were long
As we paused to sing a song
The hellos were beautiful
The goodbyes were soulful
But difficult

The train station in the morning
Running into your arms
The train station at night
Never seemed as bright
Even tho it was always dark
It hurt my heart
To see you go

I knew it was ok
In every possible way
When I looked up
To see your face
At the gas station
The warm night
If I recall right
I knew
I was so **** sure
It was forever

I've never felt quite right since
I realized I was wrong
what I saw as forever
Was gone

It was some kind of magic
Or curse maybe
I'm not really sure
But **** it hurts
There's no more pleasure
When I see the car lights
When I'm at a gas station at night
Or a service plaza
The distinct feeling
Of unbelieving
The world around me
A special place
A special face
held my heart so
In every ******* way

It's gone
There was never magic
It was just life
A facade
A lie
I could never begin to try
And make it right
I held so tight

The snow we fell on
The mischief we got lost in
At a Cleveland concert
Or the side of the road
Walking out of rebellion

The hair dye stuck to my hands
The red that didn't show
we continued to grow
To purples
To blues
Every new hue
With you

The trips we took
The cars we shook
By accident
You scratched it
we took off afriad
We've never misbehaved
That was the first
We had many of those

Driving for an hour
To be at olive garden
We saw as a  higher power
For years
We spent there
A special saving grace
Shoving bread to the face

The first time you left
I fell to my knees
Metaphorically
maybe physically
I can't recall
I cried for weeks
I quit the job
We shared
It wasn't fair
To anyone

It's never fair
To anyone
Yet you dared
To not care

Never cared
Never
Ever
Dared

The cons we roamed
The gorilla hugs alone
Were memorable
The pictures we took
The way we looked
As we fell and laugh
Over silly words
Humman
Gina
Something as simple
As a typo
Could keep us laughing
For years
I can't remember a single tear

I lie
For many years
..there were
..tears in us
The entire time

As I warned you
Getting into drugs
Ruins lives
You promised
With no sincerity
In those eyes
Dead inside
I knew
I blew
It away
A passing thought
As we danced the night away

Every moment
I write and write
Every feeling
I write I write
It won't leave me
I try to let it be
Let it out
On the paper
It's not poetic anymore
It's not rhyming
It's falling apart
There's no more
No more
No more
I'm losing my words
My talents
For words
For
Anything
I was so **** sure
Then again
It's happened before
Maybe I'm addicted to pain
I choose to remain
In it
By picking people
I know are cruel
I know will rule
My emotions
turn me into
A broken

Piece
Of
Hell

I can't tell
What it is
you were so addictive
Manipulative
Mean
Hurtful
Gone
Unhealthy
Selfish
******* LIAR
Fake
And
Everything I wanted to keep
Just out of reach

So I write
And I write
And I
Well
I don't know

..
I just
    Can't
             Move on

Dress up your depression
Stockings and lipstick
Dancing and music

No it's all scattered
A mess everywhere
Just keep shedding tears

Mask your pain
With ***** and ***
Clubs and latex

No you're too sheltered
Poor and locked away
Openly showing ugly shame

Take it as a specialty
Write pretty plays and poetry
Make meaning for your suffering

No you have no talent
Give up and sleep all day
end it all can't hide the pain

Isn't it unusual
To read of love and joy
And cry tears of hurt and sorrow?

Isnt it unsual
For a happy feeling
To truly hurt and feel like it's borrowed?

Oh isn't it just a tad unsual
No matter how hard you try
To never fall in love with another?

I find it too normal
Until i see others
So close together when I'm never with a lover

Stop asking for reassurance
Stop asking if it's wrong
Just do what you want
What's your problem?

I'm just so afraid
The last time I made a mistake
I was violated and tormented
I can't trust myself anymore

As a kid I wasn't allowed
To think for myself or decide
The one time I let loose
I fell and got broken and bruised

What if it happens again
No one will help me repent
I can't feel or be open
This fear is permanent

My mind collapses
I fall apart
My day is gone
I'm just not strong

I thought I'd grow stronger
But I only fall apart longer
Every night it gets worse
Every one laughs at my curse

I want my childhood back
I want my innocence
I want the love and bliss
That I had to ******* miss

It's not fair
I never accepted til now
The emotional abuse
That torments my mind
Is no joke oh no it's not kind

It grows stronger
As I grow weaker
I'll never have any of it back
I'll never grow into a beautiful ocean
I'm a mud piled puddle
Only to live with struggle

Step on me
Run your car over me
Break me deeper
Til I become weaker

At this point im useless
I've lost all my faith
I'll never find my place
I'll never find comfort
For I hate myself too much
It resides within me so deep
I truly know I'll never be loved

I just ask the stars above
Stop mocking me, please
Let me sleep

Closer then sisters
Better then lovers
Never a second thought
Together forever

What happened to forever
What happened

Memories come
Memories go
I'm stuck in the snow
Of all our love
The stars above
Remind me of you

Stuck like glue
You and me
Us three
Nobody could touch
Never too much

What happened to us
What happend to love
What happened to the stars above
What happened
What happened??

Every year we'd go away
Crazy wild and silly vacay
It was the best moments of my life
Laughter, fun, excitement  living high

Never wondering why
We were so lucky
Treasuring each and every smile
Thinking we'd be together for awhile
For forever
Never not together

Seasons change and the weather
We were birds of a feather
Flocking together
Living with each other
Secrets told laughter spoke
Our love never a Joke

What happened to us
What happened to love
What happened to the stars above
What the **** happened to us
To forever
To looking at the stars
To crying in eachothers arms
To figuring out life together
Never hurting eachother
Closer then I could say
Giving me life in every way

How can I go on
It's been 8 months since you've gone
And I can't move on
I see you every day
You don't give a **** I'm in your way
It hurts to pretend
Like I don't know you
Like I never knew
What thoughts kept you up at night
How to make you laugh at the right
Moment
All those moments
Dust in the wind
Blew it away
I tried to catch it
But you looked the other way

What the **** happened

It's like I know
I'm a mess
I know I'm full of stress
I'm depressed
I'm a total wreck

I know it hurts my health
I know it kills my cells
I know I live in hell
But

Without it
Who would I be?
Without it
What would I see
Without it
I can't believe
In me

I've learned to live
Without calm bliss
I've learned to kiss
Every scar
Every war
My mind
Plays

I have to stay
I cannot stray
I'm too afraid
On a deeper level
Then what ifs
And what nots
It seems like it's a lot

To lose
To choose
What to do

I've learned to love me
Even tho I hate me
I've learned to live
Like this
I make my art
I play my part
I'm afraid to change
After 26 years
To become someone else
Is a huge fear
I just learned
To love this girl
With this choice
It could change my world
Change it all
What if I fall
What if I'm mean
What if I'm not clean
What if I'm boring
What if I'm snoring
What if
What if
I'm not me
The pieces I love
The things I hold above
What if they leave
Like everyone else
What if I can't believe
In the father above
What if I'm gone

Tell me
If I choose this
What if???