i can't
fuvking
breathe
because of you
you saved my life
and now you'll be the reason
i end it

the song that reminds you of me
and the song that reminds me of you
side by side
like we will never be

no mercy?
no mercy?
how can you say that when we have been through everything that you see
and we still chose to stay?
how can you say i have no mercy when i only stick around from the goodness of my heart?
how can you say that i have no mercy when all i do is think and do for you
all i want is to make you happy
how can you forget that i am constantly being mowed down?
no fvcking mercy?

just trying to deal with some things
sitting here at 3am
hunched by the sink
lost in my thoughts
tossing, turning all night long
my head, my heart, it's all a mess
something's wrong...
my body is aching
my heart is drowning
my stomach is churning
head spinning
an emotional fever
spreading like wildfire
longhand, short
so indecisive
spelling abhorrent
i am a mess
i need the moon
but it has been cloudy
lately
not an ounce of moonlight
seeping through...
i miss the silver shine
i need a dose, soon
i can't breathe...
i should sleep.

of course i'm happy for you
i'm just unhappy for me

my mind
has parasites
they control
the way i
think, and
tell me to
do things i
don't want
to do .
it's like
two warring parts
of an intimate
*****, the
one that resides
in my skull
two forces of
opposite sides
pushing
against good
and evil .
and i am the
host
once full of life
now quite lifeless
as they take
me over
a shell .
i cannot think
my own thoughts
i cannot breathe my own air
if i fight with
them
they'll just
**** me
instead .

I just want somebody to love  
I think everybody does
But it’s not just any somebody
Surely you understand

i've tried
many times, i have
but i cannot single handedly put together a puzzle
with all the wrong pieces
perhaps in time
some people just cannot fit together

maybe this new poem
is just not
supposed to be
published.


i've tried t h r e e times now

suddenly
i was put in a position
where everything in the universe
reminds me of you
and all i want is to be the lifeline
of a life that isn’t mine

i wish i could just live for myself
and nobody else
i wish i didn’t have to love you


***

to want is a human emotion
want is prevalent
yet with want comes guilt
why?

**


Connect through the disconnection,
What else is there left to say?
What lies ahead is imperfection
Don’t tell me I’ve doomed the day.

***

I am stuck
Perpetually in one place
I am unmoving
Through time, space and aspirations
I have not changed, I have not been allowed that luxury
Nor do I think I will ever change
This has been forced upon me
This burden is unceasing
All I have left are my dreams
And my poetry.

am i really
who i think i am ?
am i really
who i've been told i am?
am i really
who i've been made to be?
am i bound to who
they perceive me as?
or can i be expressed
in a different form ?
i want to be alive, but i feel
trapped in who i am
it doesn't sit right with me
but who i think i am
doesn't sit right with them
i am human .
i am she .
i am they .
i am who i am .
but i am not bound to
how i am traditionally
perceived .

I will never be free
So long as i live
I will always be under the sway of this heavy hard hand
This part of me must die
I can’t go on like this
I wish it would die

is my existence
abnormal ?
there are days when
i break because
i am made to
hate myself
it isn't right
the pain is too great
this pain is strength
but this strength
is pain
i just want to be
okay .

i feel sick
to my stomach
and the tears
won't stop flowing
im sobbing......
                            ...sobbing
                                              sobbing
                                       and
                              now
                   i feel
            so
empty

stars falling
to a person looking from below
it’s beautiful
it’s hope
a shower of light
a chance to touch
something rare
keep it in your heart
but how does it look
from above?
like all of that hope
that love
burning up
in one final cry
to say i was here.

Stick you stickers on a sticky surface
Make sure it cannot come off
Be honest about why you do this
Does it make you feel better when your leg shakes?
Or is it why your leg shakes?

i was so close to ending it all
to giving up
but how can i give up
when you're still going so strong
and after everything youve been through
i can see that you're going so strong
how can i leave when you're still here

i think people don’t ever understand what i mean
he hands her his cigarette
as if in wordless consolation
she does not smoke
and she has never touched a cigarette until this moment
she meets his extended hand half way
she wraps her fingers around the instrument
as if it were a crutch
your cigarette anchors you
she tells him, but does not think he understands
he anchors her
anchor on rocky bay
the world around them is the wind
and she is the boat
mercilessly, harshly rocked
on the water's surface
until she is hitting the rocky shore
over and over
over and over
hurting
just to stay anchored to him
i wish you understood.

you’re maple syrup in my pocket
the aftermath of a sweet meal i knew
i shouldn’t have had
now you’re stuck all over my clothes
saccharine mistakes dribbling down my fingers
you’re maple syrup in my pocket
and everytime i try to wipe you away
you find another way to get in
and now my tears are sticky and sweet
oozing down my chin
dripping onto the linoleum floors
maple syrup on my shoes
i can’t escape you
a sticky footprint beneath me wherever i walk

day by day you consume me
piece by piece i am more
maple syrup than i am myself
who i was before i met you
before i devoured the sweet meal
i knew i should not have touched
however
i am being consumed by you yet you are being consumed by honey
and i suppose honey and you fit quite well
but i am just a wooden spoon you use then turn away from
but because you are maple syrup
and you are so sweet and lovely and golden
and ever so sticky
all your unwanted and used parts
cling to me
pieces of you forever lingering
in my pocket

i want to smash plates
but i can't do that
i cant betray the image of the
perfect daughter
the perfect sibling
the perfect child
although i am far from perfect
and everybody knows it
even you know it
but i still can't smash plates
maybe it’s the curse
of the eldest daughter
or maybe
there is something
intrinsically wrong with me
because i don't remember
when this started
or if there was ever a starting point
i don’t remember what shattered me so badly
that i wanted to shatter the world with it

i struggle to find my calling
i do not know what it is i am meant to do
yet i have forced myself into spaces where i do not fit
and i pray i that nobody notices
and i pray that i do not break

but call me agnostic because i hear no one answer my prayers

i smile upon fond memories
but fond memories are all ive got
for youve stolen the key to the doorway
and now alone i rot

i smile upon fond memories
tears dripping off of my chin

i know these memories with you are the ones i will cherish
for once i have a memory so tangible
that when i look back to smile at it
all the emotions return too
i not only smile at the memory but i relive the entire moment
i will never not be thankful that you entered my life
through the pains and the joys
and the heavens know its been the slowest journey
our friendship
but what a journey it's been

every day, a new memory, a whirlwind of emotion
looking back like flashing images
the day we dashed across the busy road
our legs shaking from laughter
the day you held my hands and put your head to mine and i truly
in that moment i truly understood literature
and what it is meant when people say they feel like
the world has stopped and they are the only one's in it
for that is what happened
and when i see your face it certainly brightens up the room
when you goof around and play your silly games with me
it warms my heart
when we have our inside jokes and we're leaning against
one another trying to hold in our giggles
so that others are not alarmed
when you choose to sit next to me in a room of people and
when you confide things in me

i still don't understand all these feelings coursing through me
but i do understand one thing
you have taken a total eclipse of my heart
i am content with our friendship
and i hope i never lose you

my mother is like the queen
she is the queen of everything
but in the sense that all that matters is reputation and
i am merely a means to an end.

i am the pawn on the chessboard
and she likes to play with her pawns carved out hollow,
brittle shells on the edge of breaking.
she likes the power of holding a fragile heart in her hands
to nurture and then destroy as she sees fit
for her own entertainment.

is it still my fault i turned out the way i am?

you said
my poetry
is rough?
hahaha
yeah that's
because
my thought's
tear apart
the
thought maker

Am I writing this to procrastinate,
Or perhaps I am finally finding time to ruminate?
Perhaps a bit of both.
Maybe I am simply just doing a finger warm up.
I don’t really want to tackle this essay,
nobody ever does—
but what’s the other option?
Ponder, weigh, assess;
Speculate all the decisions I’ve made in my life
All the missed opportunities.
Missed people. Missed memories.
Missed apologies? Mistakes?
I am just writing this to procrastinate.

"ouch."
                   --- from the perspective of a girl.

Fire and candle wax
That's what we were
Time was just the wick
Eventually it ran out

She came to me with letters
She said her name is Alice
She was the first person to write me a letter
And I felt alone

This is the story of the time
I dared to dance with
The woman that stole away my life

At first she loved me just fine
Brought me roses and
Took me out to dinner
Textbook things
That made me happy

you tell me not to care about what anyone thinks
little do you know i cared the most about what you think

and you threw that away,
you spat in my face

they say
it is
only a day
a day
until we meet
the enemy

do you believe in it?
- what?
- love at first sight.
- it depends laugh what do you mean by 'love'?
- i... i don't know. i feel like it has multiple different meanings in my mind. but i guess... love at first sight... similar to a crush but a bit different, yet that little bit counts for miles. love at first sight is when your heart warms to a person upon laying his eyes on them. the feeling like another piece of your life fell into place. it's joyyy, so much joy all at once, for no reason, but also a little sadness, because you know people don't believe in love at first sight, and that most likely you'll never get a chance. it's constantly thinking about the person, swooning over, but also loving their personality. the jokes, the laughs, the helpfulness, the understanding. the friendship, the sense of belonging. it's smiling randomly. it's having conversations in your mind that you know you'll never be able to have in real life. it's wondering when you'll see them again, grief every day that you don't. longing for what will never be. pain upon uncertainty. it's trust that you shouldn't have , risk you shouldn't take. it's all pretty chaotic, but it's all there in a massive whirl in my head, and i can't sleep. so, what is this? how can all this emotion be nothing?
- no emotion is 'nothing'. but what you described does sound a bit suspiciously crush-like. what's the fine line that separates intrigue, attraction and love?
- it's safety. the feeling of safety, feeling of being home when you're far from your house, it's the feeling of calm and content when you know that you'll see them again. it's- i don't know, man. but this HAS to be more than a mere crush laced with intrigue and boredom. it can't be something that'll disappear as fast as it came about. not all of this.
- yeah, maybe. i'm seriously as lost on this one as you are.
- uuurrghh, why are people so hard? and why are there always so. many. obstacles?!
- who knows? but you're right. nothing comes easy.
- 'easy'?! sometimes the one thing you need most never comes at all!
- now, now-
- i read a quote from a book the other day; "i could not understand why i wasn't allowed to have this without everything else falling apart. was this the only way the universe could find a balance? by taking so much away in order to grant me one pleasure?" and, like, i read that and thought, ****, well, ain't that relatable
- wow. that's pretty deep.
- deep is one way to put it, anyway, i don't know what to do, what to think, how to go about. what now?
- i guess we'll just have to wait and see. *shrug

A merry-go-round
Why did we like it as children?

i just want to see
if he texted me back.
no, no,
i don’t really care,
it’s just that
when i talk to him, it feels as though my words are finally worth something.
it’s not like i cannot go by my day without his acquaintance,
i am a writer after all,
and i am accustomed to a life where my words are disregarded.
i speak to the wind and that is okay.
but i am a writer and all i want is
for somebody to listen to my ramblings
and to understand
me.
i just want to see
if he said hello;
because yes i can get by with him not texting me back,
my rants do not always have a response
(discontinued)

Found family
When will I find a family?
Those pretty families in books
Where they all settle around the table
Laugh and make jokes
Everyone is so perfect for one another
Why do I have to settle for this?
Why am I stuck with what I was given?
What I was born into?
How is it fair?

Hope and I are not friends
Hope breaks my heart everyday
My darling Hope
So bright, so lovely
We could never get along
Hope is a liar.

Fear,
Fear is reliable
Fear understands
Knows and sees
Fear is my warning
Tells me that the bad things
The bad things will stay bad
Fear does not sugar coat
I wish I could always listen to Fear

But my darling Hope
Ever so persistent
Waiting, wishing
Breaking the both of us at the same time.

i wish you would share a piece of your soul with me
and i wish you would let me share a piece of my soul with you

i wish you knew that ive never wanted to give my soul to anyone
but i want you to know my soul better than everyone

i thought you left
i had thought of you gone
thought that flickering flame
was dead
i was wrong
and for once
i hope i am wrong again
that very same wrong
again, and
again, and
again, i
hope i am always wrong about you leaving me behind
and letting that
light
die out

I’m putting my entire soul
Into somebody
Who i feel isn’t even meant for me

Why do i get attached so easily?
With these attachments
My soul breaks away
When it’s time to move on
They still have a piece of me with them

it hurts to see you like this
but i will be patient for you.

i have never loved anybody the way i loved you
i’m afraid that i never will
i know not all love is the same
but must you be the one i never forget
must you be the one i compare to all the rest
maybe it’s not you
yeah, you weren’t perfect
perhaps you were just the first time
i put my all into somebody