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Oct 17 · 307
My Trans Body
Natalia Oct 17
My trans body brings me joy,
My trans body brings me tears.
Everyday I put my binder on,
I am equal parts overjoyed,
And stood there in pain.
Joy in hiding from the world,
What I wish to be gone.
Pain in knowing that each day,
They will still be there.

Each time I cut my hair,
Each time I'm called handsome,
Each time I wear boxers,
Each time I wear cologne,
My trans body bring me joy.

Each time I'm called 'she',
Each time I'm on my period,
Each time I look at my *******,
Each time I'm called 'she'.
My trans body brings me tears.

But each day,
My voice is deeper,
My period is no more,
My smile is bigger,
My skin glows.
My trans body brings me joy.
Jun 24 · 1.0k
Untitled
Natalia Jun 24
Candlelit and sage,
The pendulums are swinging
The black cat's crying.
Jun 24 · 422
Untitled
Natalia Jun 24
A blackbird sings
Along with the sunset
Clouds whispered sweetly.
I tried writing some haikus
May 15 · 130
Meet Me At The Horizon
Natalia May 15
Will you come meet me
At the horizon?
Past the willow trees,

Through the meadows,
Where their bodies
Rot and decompose.

The crows come to feast
On unspoken promises
And love that has ceased.

Now look ahead
Across the frozen lake,
Where few dare to tread,

Lest their disguise
Shatter and sink
Before sunken eyes

Beyond the wasteland
Of woes and lovers
You'll come to stand.

Where beats cry in the night
Woeful of those before
Now passing as mere wights.

Gazing at the cosmos,
I lie still
Having kept my soul close.

Will you come meet me
At the horizon
Past the willow trees?
Jan 28 · 93
I See You
Natalia Jan 28
They say that eyes,
Are the windows to the soul.
I'll not be chained
By this everlasting cliche.
But Honey, I get lost
Every time. Gazing into yours.
Swept away in their
Mystery, darkness, wonder.
I see clearly your walls,
A house on a hill.
Every brick laid down
With care, thoughtfulness.
Made to keep out
More harm, hurt, loss.
It is worn, sturdy,
Unyielding against the world.
Yet every now and then
I catch a glimpse
Of Lightness
Where others see dark.
And it tells me
More than words
Ever could.
And in this space
I am lost.
In this space
I see you.
Dec 2020 · 1.8k
Finally
Natalia Dec 2020
What I thought would be easy
Turned out to be a trial.
I lay curled up feeling queasy.

Frustration, anger. A strong stance.
Is it denial in their faces?
Am I to give another chance?

But as I gaze into your eyes
Those soft, warm orbs bring light,
A fresh breath. I realise.

I shall conform no more
That young girl is gone,
This will not be like before.

Dead is the binary
The girl in the mirror, gone.
Now I see myself. Finally.

Societal chains bear me down
Some days I give in.
Allow myself to drown

In your norms
Your dead ways.
This strange form

Will never fit in,
I quickly realise
No matter the colour of skin.

Yet I gaze in the mirror,
I see myself, finally.
The world looks clearer.
Pt 2 of  Your Binary
Dec 2020 · 1.7k
Your Binary
Natalia Dec 2020
******* and your binary
It's always been there
But never fit me.

I was made to confirm
Yet it was never taught.

Through bruises, cuts and tears
Layers upon layers of guilt.
Endless starry nights.

In candlelight and incense,
Discovery was made.
It was built this way.

Tears streaming down our eyes,
You still question our surprise.
******* and your binary

To be queer is to be beautiful.
You may choose to look away.
They, he, she, ve. Me.

******* and your binary.
There was no rhythm to this as I was writing it, but it is so satisfying to read aloud. Pt 1 of 2.
Natalia Nov 2020
Was this a lesson?
Meant to teach and hurt.
Well honey I'm confessin'
As I bleed out in the dirt.

Cigarette ashes and daydreams
Is where I've spent my time.
Between growth and extremes
It hits 2am, I hear the chime.

'Awake from this haze,
It's different now
You're having better days.
It's different now.'

Yet I lay on a dirt road
High on petrol fumes
On some kind of turbo mode
As the storm looms.

Blasted by soundwaves.
Sand and grit in my eyes
I glance at shallow graves
Had anyone heard their cries?

What's their story?
Is it like mine?
As complex and stormy?

I speed on past.
An unnatural high
That I seem to outlast.
A relieving sigh,

The cigarette's finished,
The high is still here,
I am no less diminished
In case that wasn't clear.
Oct 2020 · 704
Relapse
Natalia Oct 2020
You tread a fine line
Afraid to look down.
Instead, pretend to be fine.

Avoid the doubts and fears.
No matter the cost,
The floods of tears.

They come biting back.
The insecurity,
A welcoming snack.

Latched on for dear life.
You find solace
At the edge of a knife.

Comforted and bewildered.
Malignant, yet benign.
You are bruised and blistered.

Here is where growth lies.
Oct 2020 · 174
Freedom
Natalia Oct 2020
Where might confusion lie
About oneself?

The deep recesses of the mind.
Beneath masks and scars,
Is where you'll find me.
Amidst books and ink.
Within, without, all around.
Through meadows and trees,
The grass whispers and sings.
Deep secrets of the Earth.
You need to be right.
You need to be wrong.
Not rushed, nor cheated.
A steady hand. Pen to paper.
Trembling, in waves. In. Out.
Stay the course Dear one.
Seek not the out edge,
Within is where it lies.
Not among the birds.
Neither your friends nor family.
But deep in you
Is where it lies.
The only person that can give you freedom is you. I looked in other places, to other people. But I'm the ONLY one that can ever give myself the freedom I long for.
Aug 2020 · 225
Seeking
Natalia Aug 2020
What might I let go of,
To seek the unknown?

To find discipline,
To keep honour.
Relinquish rage,
Release control.

Is it my heart?
Will it be my mind?

Unrest is rife,
Unease alike.
Reduced to tears,
Unsettling fears.

To retain loyalty,
Invite love again,
Strive for trust,
Be free once more.

What might I release
To seek the unknown?
Aug 2020 · 97
Melodious Abyss
Natalia Aug 2020
Silence is all-consuming,
Deafening in its wake.
With pain looming.

Yet devoid of sound,
It shatters and breaks.
Leaves you clawing the ground,

Gasping for breath.
Seemingly calm, oh
Sweet dance of death.

When I rise again,
I pity them.
Those who caused pain.

Left me on the brink,
Gave me an anchor;
Watched me sink.

That melodious abyss,
A harrowing home
Mixed with blood and bliss.

Nae a crevice to hide,
From battles or storms
Nor the feelings inside.

Remember this
As I rise
You'll be left in remiss.

I walk hand in hand
With joy and pain.
Rest of the world be ******.

Remember this.
As I rise.
Aug 2020 · 172
Seek None
Natalia Aug 2020
Everything may end,
The unknown knows.
All you dread.

You are held aloft.
Seeing the events.
Quiet and tense.

The storm builds,
Thunder softly stirs.
Shy away.

Come down,
Touch the earth.
Unbearing suspense.

Your breath is taken,
You are made blind.
Speech is numbed.

Hide from all,
Seek none.
Hear no-one.
I can only count on myself.
Jul 2020 · 338
Oasis
Natalia Jul 2020
Days go by
Silently and swift,
No-one asks why

They became one.
As the clouds merged
Under the beating sun.

Why fight it?
Damage the soul
And wound the spirit?

Let the days go,
And blend together.
Ending that happy glow.

The darkness comes
Calling once more,
As everything numbs.

It feels unsteady
To rise alone.
I promise you're ready.

The beating you hear,
Shocks you at first
It's foreign to the ear.

Feel its essence
Let it remind you
Of your existence.

How beautiful it is,
Unique and bright,
A wonderful oasis.

That no-one can take,
Distort or damage,
Bend nor break.

Listen to your heart,
It beats for you.
To set you apart.

Rise up dear one
The world awaits,
Your time has begun.
I don't write these for anyone but me. If you get any emotions or feelings from it, I am honoured that you even took the time to read it.
May the sun always shine down on your beautiful soul.
Jul 2020 · 138
Searching
Natalia Jul 2020
Beyond mountains and valleys
Within broken terrain,
Forests and green alleys.

There is a home,
Estranged yet luscious.
With the freedom to roam.

Birds soar above,
Creatures nest below.
A peculiar love.

Feel the call
In the gentle breeze.
Softly I fall

To the kind Earth.
'Where have you been?'
Said in sweet mirth.

I was searching,
Above and below,
And found nothing.

Here, you belong.
Since the beginning,
This was your song.

Your humble abode
Is always here.
It has ceased to erode.
Nowhere has ever felt like home. I realised I am my own home, I don't need to keep looking and waiting for one.
Jul 2020 · 200
The Current
Natalia Jul 2020
The mind, ever tenuous,
Such burdening fragility
Forever nebulous.

With it no control.
It does not go gently,
Rather entangles the soul.

It sets sail,
To the ends of the earth
No tide, nor wind, nor gale

It will not slow.
Not for you.
Watch the current flow.

The stars watch you now,
Your hopes and wishes
They deliver somehow.

Will they come out?
Or drown in your mind
As you are left maligned.

I will not be chained
Beaten or broken
Much as I am pained.

The current will lead on,
The mind will cease looking,
Searching for what is gone.
Another hard-hitting poem for me to write. Grief was well and truly hitting me tonight. But a hopeful message at the end.
Jun 2020 · 160
Beauty is not a chore
Natalia Jun 2020
There is beauty to be found,
In the company we keep,
High in the clouds, deep in the ground.
But it doesn't come cheap.

We can be cheated;
It's found within banknotes,
or that text you deleted.
Leaving a tightness in your throat.

Perhaps it was in that bottle,
Maybe under the bedsheets.
'You had it all.'
Yet it feels like defeat.

Look again, look harder.
You'll find it once more.
You shall speak with ardour.
Beauty is not a chore.

It's within conversations,
In the ink of the book
That built your foundation,
Even in that meal you cooked.

It's never far.
Just around that corner.
In the glint of the stars.
You begin to feel a bit warmer.
Jun 2020 · 278
Soar
Natalia Jun 2020
We cannot understand everything.
A harsh lesson from life.
Be steady, see the pendulum swing
In times of despair and strife.

Yet, I chose to know myself.
The dark caverns in my mind,
Those I had put on a shelf
That left me maligned.

I find myself on an edge,
I have been here before,
And when I fell I made a pledge.
That instead I would soar.

I look into the abyss,
It greets me as before,
With a smile and a kiss.
Features I grew to abhor.

What it does not know;
I am no longer afraid.
Innocence had to go
Just as the mist must fade.

I look into the night,
With a deep breath, I soar
Then the dark turns to light.
I am afraid no more.
I have been on the edge many times. More than I would like I nearly fell into the abyss. Yet as I find myself back here I realise that growth happens during uncomfortable times. I'm ready for the next challenge.
Jun 2020 · 208
Lie in Wait
Natalia Jun 2020
O' how I wish'd to know.
To have thine everlasting touch,
Now feels an age ago.

A breath stolen from mine own lips
From the slightest gaze of thee.
As though mine own heart had eclips'd.
From it, I can never flee.

How might we have far'd?
A fair question dear one,
Though no light is spar'd
Life hast barely begun.

So I lie here in wait
With dreams of thy kisses,
Speaking to the moon until late.
Tried a new thing with the syntax. But just a small one with unrequited love in mind. Inspired by both Hozier and Shakespeare. Odd combo I know.
May 2020 · 188
Embers
Natalia May 2020
I look at you and wonder,
How soft those tendrils feel,
Always pulling me asunder,
Pulling my mind to heel.

The looks you gave,
The depth of your eyes
Made my heart cave
As I reached new highs.

As if like pools of wisdom,
I'd willingly drown in them,
Feel my desires through a prism,
And allow fate to condemn

My hidden desires.
As they come and go
I seek not to douse the fires,
I'll leave the embers to glow.

Watch them light the night sky,
With a childish curiosity.
Against the damp ground, I lie
Carried by my precocity.

To share this
Would be wonderous,
This unadulterated bliss.
I'm left feeling ponderous.

Until such time,
I will lie here
Listening to the wind chime
As the embers disappear.
Falling in love is a beautiful process in the right circumstances. It seems like in society now, that the goal is that you 'must' have someone beside you to share in these experiences. Until such time I find someone like that, I'll be loving myself.
May 2020 · 302
Flames
Natalia May 2020
We started on the bed,
With hushed tones.
Hesitant on how to tread.
Still, an urge within our bones.

At first it was soft gazes,
Even softer gasps.
Like a fire that blazes,
Embraced in a heated clasp.

The heat of soft lips,
Pressing down, leaving trails
Along soft ******* and hips.
I took in all the details.

Then night after night,
I would see the marks,
The bruises, the bites
Within dips and arcs.

It couldn't stop there,
I never wanted it to.
Though I doubted to care,
For the things you could do.

Now I lay sated,
Awaiting the next encounter.
The next fire to be created
With flames that devour.
Rare that I write about intimacy but there you go. I may write some more that are similar in not so distant future.
May 2020 · 292
A Vow
Natalia May 2020
It was sweet innocence,
found in TV and films.
Oh, such simpleness.

In sheds, in the woods.
It was whimsical and fun.
Unspoiled by dark moods.

Countless nights in front of a screen.
Just as many mornings running late,
Building a foundation in-between.

Unknown to us both,
Life wouldn't be kind.
We still found growth.

Look at you now,
Gone from strength to strength,
As if having given a vow.
Knowing someone for 9 years has blessed me with good memories and gray memories. I'm thankful for them all.
May 2020 · 483
Can I Be Free?
Natalia May 2020
If my heart is black,
And my soul is lost.
I, having lost track
Of the hours it has cost.

Can I be free?

The bite of the wind is chilling,
Yet it does not reach my core.
But I stand there, unwilling.
Facing what it has in store.

Can I be free?

The ground sinks,
With one foot in front
It's as though the other shrinks.

Can I be free?

I wish to collapse,
My energy is spent,
Healing the breaks and cracks
With mortar, brick and cement.

Can I be free?

The chains are unshackled,
But no less heavy.

Can I be free?

Bruises and marks appear.
They come as no surprise,
I do not face them with fear,
Nor with weeps and cries.

Can I be free?

This is all unknown,
I am burdened by my mind.
This path is mine alone,
To discover, to unwind.

Am I free?
It's effort to heal from depression. Today it just hit home how hard I'm pushing myself. Emotions are fickle. It's hard not to fall into that black hole. I can only keep trying. One day I'll be free
May 2020 · 3.0k
A Calling
Natalia May 2020
You see him rise,
With warmth and light,
Fiery yet wise.
Behold his might.

He gazes over all,
And judges none.
Now I hear his call.
The journey has begun.

Then he sets.
I await the morning,
Watching silhouettes,
As the moon comes calling.

Now it's her time.
Her loving energy
Is a gentle chime,
Leaving me in a reverie.
Inspired by watching the sunset as the full moon was basking in her glory.
May 2020 · 404
The Shadow Fades
Natalia May 2020
Did you think you'd win?
For a moment I did.
As if death or something akin,
Of you, I would never be rid.

Instead I came back,
Fighting tooth and nail,
Healing the breaks and cracks,
Living to tell the tale.

It's not my time,
Not for a long while.
I still have mountains to climb
And am yet to face more trials.

This shadow fades away,
I bid it goodbye.
It fades to grey,
Invisible to the eye.
Facing depression is never an easy battle. I've been to the darkest depths of my being. There are always things I need to work on. It's hard work every day. It takes effort. Nothing is ever guaranteed in life. Hopefully, this shadow has passed and I don't have to face it again.
May 2020 · 663
Under a Blade
Natalia May 2020
I found that darkness within,
That which kept me awake,
And would lead me into a spin.

Found under blades,
On mellow nights.
As the sun fades

The shadow appears.
Bringing all my sorrows,
All my worries and fears.

The knife would cure
The overwhelming feelings,
All which I saw impure.

Blood would run dry,
Leaving me scarred.
Yet, I would still cry.

That shadow is gone,
Though there are many more.
I am no longer a pawn.
Speaks for itself. I battle with self-harm, I have been winning for a while but that's not to say the thought doesn't creep up. But I find myself under a blade less & less as time has gone.
May 2020 · 206
Mundane & Moving
Natalia May 2020
It's certainly harder,
To try and get by.
Speaking aloud with less ardour.

One hour into the next.
Time ticks by,
I begin to feel vexed.

The days are long,
the weeks are short,
I keep moving along

Determined to stay alive,
In these low moments,
Where I feel deprived.
This lockdown got to me a bit this week. For a moment it just felt like life as it is now isn't enough, being restricted to where we can go is hard but I can only keep moving on through.
Apr 2020 · 201
Thick & Thin
Natalia Apr 2020
The first time we met,
I knew I could trust you.
Not a burden, nor a threat.
Together we grew.

Our bonds of friendship, unbroken.
Life was light, as it was dark.
Loyalty, honesty. Given. Unspoken.
We've always had that spark.

It has all been thrown at us.
Never once did I doubt,
Through all the breaks and cuts,
The screams, the shouts.

We'll always have each other,
Everyone else is background noise,
That has become lost in the thunder,
As we've discovered our joys.

Friend is too weak a word,
To describe what you are.
Family is more preferred,
As you are never far

From my heart and mind.
When the call comes,
I'll respond in kind.
No matter the outcome.

We've had each other's backs,
Through joys and losses.

Through thick and thin,
Sam, what a pleasure it's been.
Being friends with someone for 9 years, you're bound to go through a lot together. Love each other, hate each other. break apart then reunite. Goddess knows we've had our fair share of trials, even at a young age. Through it all, there was never any doubt in my mind about the loyalty and honesty within our friendship. I am reminded of that today. Sam, if you read this, I am humbled and honoured by the friendship we've had. Let's keep growing. I have all the love and respect for you in the world.
Apr 2020 · 308
Unbreakable
Natalia Apr 2020
What will it mean
To never break?
To be stripped clean,
To feel joy yet still ache?

Like the trees in the wind
Of a harrowing storm,
You may twist and bend,
Even lose your form.

Like the rising of a tide,
You eventually submerge,
Into the depths, you hide,
Capitulating to every urge.

You rise from the ground,
As would a terrifying earthquake.
You are no longer bound,
You will no longer break.

Fire roars in your honour,
It's flames always dancing.
'Behold! Look upon her.'
Stronger still, you are standing.

Nothing can break you now,
Not water, earth, fire or air.
You have given a vow.
Try and break me. I dare.
Losing my dad suddenly and unexpectedly has been the most traumatic experience so far. Nothing has felt normal since. Not my body, mind or spirit. I have reached the darkest depths of my being since. As I am recovering, I have realised. I am unbreakable. Nothing can ever break me as much as I have broken and rebuilt myself. I dare anyone to try.
Apr 2020 · 218
White Lightning
Natalia Apr 2020
It appears in flashes,
Like white lightning
That leaves trees in ashes.

To say it's complicated
Would be watering it down.
Patiently it's cultivated.

Always beaten back
An unfortunate child,
Left alone in a shack.

It comes as no surprise,
As it finally erupts
Amidst terrible cries.

'You never listened!
As I cried and cried.'
Eyes glazed and glistened.

I see it now,
Small sweet child,
I will show you how

You can be heard again
So, that hurt and anger
No longer causes us pain.
I have a weird and complicated relationship with my anger. When it appears, it's quick and sharp. It's always the gateway emotion for things lurking deeper within as if my brain can no longer hold onto anything else. I liken it to my inner child wanting to be heard. It has tried everything else, it knows anger will catch my attention.
Apr 2020 · 331
When & Why?
Natalia Apr 2020
Why did it take so long
For me to face my fears?
To realise I was strong.
Strength would wipe away my tears.

A question asked by many.
Those looking within,
Those who cannot bury,
And feeling stretched thin.

Finding myself;
A life long quest.
'Look to thyself'
Given time, given rest

Your time will come.
Love and friendships will fade,
Depression that leaves you numb,
No doubt leaves us afraid.

Darling don't fret.
Your power is there,
Unseen as of yet,
Ready to glow and glare.

There are many nights ahead,
Soundless and sleepless alike,
Full of worry and dread,
Tears ready to strike.

These cannot be controlled,
Nor should they be feared.
Let the feelings roll,
Allow your mind to be cleared.

This cycle is found,
Over and over again.
Though you aren't bound
to hold onto the pain.
I realised that I have found my own self-worth and strength. I was asking myself why had it taken so long, and when had I realised. This poem is the result of my musings. I am always looking within, but now am beginning to cultivate positivity without neglecting my mental health.
Apr 2020 · 578
Love Undefined
Natalia Apr 2020
What is it's meaning?
I may never know,
I may have to keep dreaming
And let it flow.

Flow through my veins,
See it from afar,
Unshackle its chains,
Allow it to bruise and scar

Through flesh and bone,
Head and heart.
Ruptured then sewn,
So I don't fall apart.

Back and forth it goes,
All through my head
Like beatings and blows.
Exposed on the bed,

Vulnerable and raw.
It plays on my mind,
I watch it with awe.
It cannot be defined.

Uncertainty is rife,
While some may panic,
It is here I thrive,
Neither worried nor manic.

I trust in the universe,
I know it will be right.
While this may be adverse,
I choose to see the light.
You can't put love in a box, it is undefinable. It is unique to all and will forever be, in my mind. I have come to terms with that, this sort of acceptance has been quite freeing.
Apr 2020 · 508
A Rose's Thorns
Natalia Apr 2020
You've drawn first blood,
It rolls down my skin.
With a soft thud,
My world begins to spin.

It turns me over and over,
As the moon would the tide,
Like that first kiss from a lover,
The first glimpse of the bride.

Next is the scent,
A tinge of copper.
On its slow descent,
I begin to stir.

A soft taste of metal
Envelopes the lips,
The wound has now settled.
Quivering, my mind slips.

To that first touch,
However delicate
T'was clearly too much
And I am left desolate.

A rose's thorns.
Tomorrow I'll prepare
To have the blood adorn'd,
From that first tear.
This was written with the idea of how similar love is to when you try and pluck a rose. You may mishandle it when you first try, the rose will cut you and leave you bleeding. But you can't let that stop you from trying to get another rose. Wear that blood proudly as you try again, learn from the mistakes you made the first time. Take everything you can from it, the scent, the look of the flower, the taste.
Apr 2020 · 988
Empowerment
Natalia Apr 2020
Growth, empowerment, love.
Words of our generation,
Words we can't get rid off.

Should we try to? No.
Look within,
Feel your heart grow.

Love yourself, it's deserved.
No matter what anyone says,
It should not be curbed.

Hate, oppression. It is all rife.
My dear one, don't forget,
You get to live your best life.

If people turn and say nay,
Don't panic, do not worry,
I promise, they're not here to stay.

Growth, empowerment, love.
All treasured things,
That you can be proud of.
With everything going on in the world. It seems as though the media floods us with a lot of news regarding any oppression and hatred going on around the world. I wrote this thinking about how prominent it feels and how all the negative influences in my generation are nothing compared to the pride we should be feeling about how we empower and love each other.
Apr 2020 · 229
The Mirror
Natalia Apr 2020
Could we be the same?
Is this what forms us?
Or it keeps us tame,
And unable to discuss,

The troubles and trials,
The pain and hurt,
The laughter and smiles.
All which we exert.

I keep searching.
Then a look shared
Let's me see what's lurking,
It tells me you were scared.

Scared of your power,
Sweetheart, now you know
You no longer have to cower.
Let your power grow.

It's only a reflection
What separates you and I.
No more rejection,
I bid you goodbye.
This poem is about what it feels like when I look in the mirror sometimes. The self-doubt and negativity that runs through my mind and how by the end, I say goodbye to any rejection of self I have felt and embrace me for me

— The End —