I need a release
To feel something sharp
But if in my hand
I clutch the cup with ice
It burns cold
Through my palm
I feel it spreading
It aches and it hurts
My hand going red,
But there’s no blood

tw suicidal fantasy



This is the last time
The knife will never again leave its drawer
Not after tonight
Not by my hand

I’ll take it out
Unsheathe the tool of my end
I just... I just wanna...
Hold it against my skin

There will be no restraint
Not this time
I’ll dig it in as deep as I can bear
Tear a horrible **** in my arm

I wanna feel the agony
Watch myself bleed out
Until it gets foggy
Until the room starts to sway

Then, I can lay myself down
One last time.

tw self harm




I love how the lines look...
Graceful, delicate little things
Running my fingers over them
To prove to myself they’re real

I look damaged...
I look like I’m in pain
Struggling
Suffering
Hurting
Dying...
The lines look like they belong...

But what a neat little trick
To tuck them beneath my watchband
Turn on a smile
And everything’s just fine

What did you do?
The monster is awake
She’s furious
Now I have to hold her back

They left me alone when I was young
The monsters did
But I got bored of being myself
Plain and simple
And they told me it would be fun
They made my blood pump
And the serotonin flooded my brain
But they started to take over
Their tastes grew darker
It got harder to push them aside
I started losing control
So I learned to channel them
To write their desires
To control the pleasure from the dark depths
Now these words are what remain
My only fix
The solitary outlet
For the monsters inside

The most frightening words
That make me writhe in agony
Sick to my innermost core
Scared for my life
Terrified for my sanity
Distrusting my own mind
Hopelessly paralyzed
Wanting to *****
Craving pain as punishment
Desperately confused
Distrusting of my own thoughts
Hating my very existence

The pills will hold me
Though no one else will
Through the night
They comfort me
Console me
So softly they lull me to sleep
Remind me I’m alright
Yeah... at least the pills
They care for me
Because there isn’t anyone around to

The pills work great
I still kinda want to cut myself
But I’ll fall asleep before I can unsheathe the knife
They make my brain all fuzzy....
And I breathe nice and slow
My heart rate is gentle, steady
Like I can feel my blood pumping smoothly, slowly
And I’ll feel like this tomorrow
But I’ll ignore it
Take some more pills
And I guess that’s life now
Sedated and aching

What is this?
It's not Heaven
It's not Hell
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it heals
It's this middle place
Where we feel everything
Some days it's Heaven
Some days it's Hell
I just wish
It could make up its mind
Because on Hell days
Weeks, months, years
The hope of just one Heaven day
Is too much to bear

I don’t want to be lonely
I don’t want to be alone
But I thought I did
And now I’m paying for it
I pushed everyone away
Now I don’t know how
To get you back
To let anyone in

Do you want to know why I’m like this?
Do you really want to know what’s wrong?
The problem is you.
It’s all of you.
This is what happens
When you abandon your friends
When you ignore the people around you
When you take advantage of your family

People aren’t designed for that
Humans require community
And as I watch you all
Finding ways to love each other
I sit in quiet jealousy
To not make you feel shame

But to tell you the truth
I’m dying
Depression is eating away at my soul
I can’t survive alone
Not much longer
Not like this

How does one live
In a world like this?
All I want is to scream
I want to fight this world
I want to fight this evil
Thoughts about injustice
Distract me from progress
The useless progression
Of human knowledge
Rendered null by infinity
Because there's so much more
And I want to seek it!
How do we stay still
While we watch the world burn?
But it was always meant to burn!
And it was always to be
At our hands
All we do here is die
We wither and rot
Until our last breath
We worship plastic
We crave poison
Of course we court death!
Of course we flee this despair!
Of course we watch our flesh bleed!
Of course!
Because that’s what we do
When we rebel against hope.

Trigger warning: Self harm


I’m fine
It’s fine
The episode ended
Just a few red marks left
No blood
I’m fine
Just a bit of skin under my nails
No blood
I’m fine
Ugh why so dizzzzyyy???
What’s that?
That line....
It’s too dark....
I’m fine
Just a little blood
It served its purpose
I don’t cut.
So it’s fine.

These songs feel so familiar
These songs feel like death
I remember when I listened before
What they meant to me then
On nights covered in blood
From dozens of self-inflicted wounds
Depression a heavy fog in my head
Suicide in every thought
When my body felt foreign and strange
Nothing mattered
I just wanted it all to end....

So why... why do these songs...
They bring me comfort
I feel safe in their embrace

Perhaps I finally feel heard
I’ve acknowledged what I’ve felt
Accepted its existence
And I feel a bit more welcome
Living in my own mind

Or perhaps... it’s all happening over again

Something about this house...

The table where I sat and wept
In silence so they wouldn’t hear
Waiting until they were all asleep
To eat next to nothing

The couch where I laid
Catatonic for hours
Staring into the TV screen
To lose myself in other worlds

The stairs where I fell
Because I was so weak
Then I screamed that I was fine
Realizing something was very wrong

The shower where I could sob
Where the sound was drowned
Eyes closed so hard I saw spots
Begging for existence to stop

The entry where I greeted guests
There to congratulate my graduation
I had to endure so many, “You look so great!”s
And pretend I had already eaten

My room...
So many memories...
Scraping the skin off with my nails
Questioning my will to live
Sleepless nights in anguish
Only to rest from the exhaustion of crying
Praying for my sanity

This house...

You told me to throw them away
Get rid of all the extra pills
And when you said that,
I nodded,
But in my heart I realized
I have a problem

Those bottles are my insurance
My backup plan
In case things get too bad
I want them close
Within reach
I want them to remain an option

I’ve approximated their quantities
Guessed the effects
Tried to research
But to no avail

I just... I have this problem
I want hurting myself to remain an option
If I need it
If it comes to that
I want to know I can

And I don’t think that’s good....

I disappointed myself today
Not that it probably would have mattered
Because sometimes I'm just sad
And today is one of those days
So, I'm going to sit.
On my couch.
In sweats.
Eating chips.
Watching TV.
Writing poetry.
Until it stops hurting.

I feel
                    so
                                  ALI­VE


It’s been a while
Never felt so...

                         so human.
                              real.

Living for a thrill
                                         maybe it’s cheap
whatever.


I’ve found this place
This sweet spot
Between

Me                          and.....               ­         her.

Where I kindle her fire
Let its warm glow fill me
But retain my control
It’s lovely
Quite thrilling
Finally.
I am

ALIVE

explicit content


So, here's what you're going to do
Place your hands on my waist
C'mon, dear, like you mean it!

Alright now pull my hips to yours
Yes, that'll do nicely
So I can feel your body against mine
Now, kiss me gently, lovingly
And then again like you need me
Like you lust after me
Like I excite you

Now, pull away and I'll bite my lip
To hold the place of your tongue
Tear my shirt off over my head
Throw it somewhere
Undress me quickly
Show me you need my body

And together we'll fall on the mattress
Where we entangle ourselves in lust
Mmm.... darling you excite me
And clearly I you...

Now ******* thrill me.

I'll put you on your back
Lie flat and let me take you!
I'll have you now
Fingers trace your v-line down...
Wrap myself around you
As we're both hit with pleasure

Our bodies scream for more
As I tease you from above

Oh, but you won't have that, will you?
No, what a powerful man
Take over
I'll surrender

If you make me

Throw me aside and make me your slave
Touch anything you like
I'm yours tonight
Let me feel the strength in your arms... in your hips
Tell me you CRAVE more of me
Be cruel, be kind
Set me on fire with bliss
Darling, more!

Yes... yes there... right there.... that's it now...
Yes... a bit more... go on...
MORE!

then it hits.
the rush.
the flood.
and as it fades I'll scream for you to do it again!
let's get it back, shall we?
mm... yes... yes that's it, dear...
keep giving me that...
make me your woman.

I’m really tired of existing

It’s nasty work
With no reward
I feel like ****
And I’m just tired...
Tired of it all...

I don’t remember when it was
Sometime in my childhood
In that jumble of hazy memories
When I prayed to God and said,

“Not my mind, Father
“You can have any part of me.
“Do what you will with my body,
“But please don’t take my mind.”

And somehow I knew
Laying there in my bed in the dark
That it was that which I loved the most
The only thing I held above Him

that was precisely what He would take.

Trigger warning: self harm


And here we are again
Another day lost to depression
There's so much to do
Can't clear my head of this noise...
I just want to spend some time
Taking care of myself
Or enjoying something
But I have things to do
Work to be done

and i know how to do it
i can quiet the noise
it's not hard
just a bit messy
i just... i just need a little...
a few delicate slits
right on the wrist
shock me back into existence
jolt me back to reality

i need it
i need to bleed for a little while
to clear the fog
to quiet the noise
to get me to focus
to get the work done
i... i have to...
i'll sort out coping strategies later
'cause right now
right now i need this.

I don't want to cry today
I don't want to hurt myself today
I don't want to live in darkness today
I don't want to hate myself today
I don't want to hate others today

I don't know why,
But I know

I want to smile today
I want to be kind to myself today
I want to bask in the light today
I want to love being myself today
I want to love others today

I don't know why today is different
But I'm so glad it is

Tbh... I don’t even mind the pills
I’ll take whatever you give me
And maybe a little more
I just want to feel okay
And if they can give me that
****... I’ll swallow the entire bottle

My darling...
Come here, would you?
Let me wrap you in my embrace
Breathe deeply, slowly
Maybe gently press our lips together
For a long moment

Come sit with me, Sweetheart
I’ll throw my arms around you
My head on your chest
Your head on mine
Sharing a pulse

Now, what if we lay
Nothing too comprising
Just be there together
Feel each other’s presence
Each other’s vitality
Your breath on my neck
Hands around my waist

I’d feel safe there
In your presence
Your strong arms
Your loving touch
My heart cries
My being longs
To be together

It’s alright now
I’m putting myself to bed
A few pills to make me sleep
I’ll calm down
I’ll feel pleasant and safe
My eyelids will become heavy
I’ll start to drift off
Because at least if I sedate myself
I won’t have the energy
To get the knife out

I’m too sober
My head’s too clear
Only had a bit to drink
And it’s nice
But it’s not nearly enough
Things don’t hurt as much
I feel nicer
Less burdened
But I’m still too sober
I want more
I want to go further
I want to be out of control
I want dizziness
I want to feel unbalanced
But this will have to suffice
Even though I’m way too sober

I thought
If I could just
Relax
Calm my tired body
It would be better
But it turns out
In the calm and quiet
I can hear so clearly
So loudly
Everything that’s troubling me
Torturing me
So I stay busy
I run
Exhaust myself
And then
Once again
I rest
And hear it all again
I just....
I need a silence
That doesn’t torture me

I meditate on my pain
Simmer in my failure
Drink in my sickness
Torture myself with memories
Until I smile
Because I did it
I made myself feel something
Finally

I thought I was alive
But then I looked around me
I started questioning
And the more I wondered
The more I discovered
That this isn’t it
There’s too much longing
Within my soul
For greater things
For this to be everything
But with that realization
Came the desire to rush
To reach eternity
But I have to finish
My fight on this ground
Before I reach out my palm
To touch destiny

I want to write about love
To tell you the story
Of my first kiss
My first heartbreak
But I can’t
Because something about me
Everything about me
Repels relationships
With unrivaled intensity
I’ve always been alone

poured the poison down my throat
just to numb the pain
the overwhelming pain
and I poured... and poured
take it slow... then a bit braver...
a shot... another...
another.... another...
til my limbs felt loose
the room swayed
and I just... I just felt good
the pain... had melted away
just as I had desired
just as I had craved
and I loved it
every moment

My parents are insane
This family is dysfunctional
This house is toxic
It’s making me sick
And it’s all I have

When they look in my direction
They see something
A kind of human shadow
Shape without depth
A hollow understanding
If any at all
Those who do see me
Only do when I smother myself
In things that benefit them
Good grades for my parents
A loan for my sister
But as soon as I stop
They cease to see me
I am translucent
Never opaque
Never quite there
Even in my own mind
I’m not always there...
A ghost
I am translucent
But I deserve opacity

An image
A sound
A motion
It stops.
Mind reeling
What happened?
Can’t think
No, can’t be
Not to me
Call who?
Police? Why?
Oh... I see...
Wait, I’m alive
But what if...
I could’ve died.
Now what?
Why am I crying?
I can’t look
The damage is bad
Am I breathing?
My fingers won’t still
Typing, calling, yelling
What happened?
The image
The sound
The motion
Again, again, again

The truth of this life
Is that it hurts
Is that it breaks
Is that it burns
And overall
It’s not worth living
But you can’t stop there

Because there’s more
The story goes on
There is truth
Beyond this desperate place
Truth that offers vitality
And this, this is
The only reason
I’m still alive

I really don't wanna deal with the hassle
of having to tell my therapist
I cut myself because I got bored

I can’t tell
If I’m just depressed
For not having eaten
In twenty-two hours
Or if because I’m depressed
I don’t care to eat...