You've all made it clear
There's so much evidence...
If anyone wanted me, wouldn't they have said?
All affection is false
Created to deceive and manipulate

But you know what's worse?
I've never been chosen
Never once has someone met me
And decided they wanted me
Never pursued
Never even inquired
Because something about me
Is so obviously unlovable
So clearly undesirable
That you all never had to say a word
It's all the words you didn't say
All the love I never found
That is my evidence
That you all
Don't care if I'm around

I need to be cared for
Cared about
Desired
Wanted
Accepted
Noticed
Held
Loved
Seen
:
.
.
.

.
­


.
Instead I am
Heartbroken
Hopeless
Lonely
Tired
Broken
Ignored
Forgotten.. . .    .       .          .

I might be losing my mind
I feel properly unhinged tonight
Blood is gonna spill

I messed with my body
Played games with my head
Now my stomach aches
My mind won’t focus
And I tasted the fear
The illness I’ve been fleeing
I invited it back in
It flared inside like fire
But eventually
It did subside
Leaving a bitter regret in its wake

I... I think I’m relapsing
I’m unsteady
Unstable
The aching in my heart
Won’t quit
It’s empty
My body tense and shaking
I’m still in control
It’s not like it was
But it’s not a good sign...

The medicine is making me ill
I can’t eat
But she told me I need to
The drugs are just ******* with me
But sure
They’ll fix me
Eventually
I just have to not **** myself
In the meantime
I’m just sick
I’m numb
I’m cold
I’m so ******* alone
I don’t want any more drugs
I just want to be okay
And if I can’t handle it...
If I can’t take it
This might be it.
They all tell me
Over and over and over and over and over
They believe in me
I can do it
But I don’t want to
This is not a struggle I want to endure

I really wish
There was some part of me
That cared about anything

A glass of wine a day
Keeps the demons at bay


...until it doesn’t

hey

I’m not supposed to cut myself

would you do it for me?

I think my life is slipping through my fingers
and i just dont care

I’m not here
Not present
Dissociating
Distant
Because
I can’t bear to be here

I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

Hey, would you just **** me?
Cause I don’t... I don’t actually wanna be alive

Her cold hands reach towards the darkness
Longing for the relief that it offers
Fully aware it holds another kind of suffering
But anything would be better than the hell in her head

I’m so tired
I just want to die

Do you know how ******* alone I am
Do you know how little anyone cares
Do you know how badly I just wanna
Bleed

God wine drunk is ******* ideal

What the **** do you do
When the pain cuts right through the medication

There’s ***** in the pantry
Everything hurts
An aching from soul to skin
Is the risk of someone noticing
Worth its kind offer?

I’d love to feel something

Anything

Time to ******* act out because if you don’t no one will remember you exist or care that you’re still breathing soooo I guess let’s ******* test it and see how much they care **

25 days to 21
Then maybe I’ll get a bit of peace

I don’t want to be here

You know exactly what you’re doing
Not eating enough
Letting yourself stay hungry
It’s a punishment
Without scars
Without blood
But it hurts
And the more you do it
The more they’ll like you

I feel pretty when I’m hungry
Like maybe my stomach will begin to slim
Like I’m dainty and beautiful
Like maybe if I can keep it up long enough
Someone might want me

I don't really trust anyone
I don't know if I love anyone
My heart is cold and dead
Black and hard
What am I doing??
I'm not getting anywhere
Just falling further behind
Further below
Further away

Show me my demise
And I'll embrace it
With a great sigh of relief

tw self harm suicide


Ready to watch my liver fail by 22
lol I know what I’d do
Once it’s unlocked
Freed
Once I can have as much to drink as I want
Honestly I’ll hurt myself

The more I talk to anyone else
The more certain I am
I really want to keep talking to you

A few months ago I wanted to die
Trying to figure out how I might take my life
My wrist and thigh always bleeding
My future was black and empty

Tonight is different
I’m pretty glad I’m alive
Things aren’t perfect
I’m not always okay
But I have hope
I can smile
I’m not alone anymore

I really don't write poetry
I just let my messy ******* head bleed out
And I guess it produces words

When this is all over
I’ll still be depressed
And if... if I can just make it
A few long months...
I can drink it away

Drive the knife straight through my heart next time
Because I’m bleeding out so slowly
I can feel every moment
You could’ve ended it faster

Genuinely unsure if it matters to anyone that I’m breathing but wotever

I’m so ******* alone.

Nonononono...
I am...
I’m...
I am suicidal

I forget, I suppose
That depression is triggered too
And in myself
Nothing does it as well
As being alone

Do you ever just hate yourself and your body and your whole being that you just want to crawl out of your skin but you can’t so you desperately want to self medicate and can’t do that either and the only relief you can find is by punishing yourself by cutting your own skin and you get this sense of well being from nursing your wounds like maybe you actually can be put back together?

Just **** me.
Your medicating doesn’t help
You won’t let me do it myself
I can’t enjoy anything
I don’t know why I’m living

What the hell
Why do I still want it
Why am I craving that
Why am I ignoring you
I’m so sorry
What the hell is wrong with me...

Do you know
How dreadful it is
To be horribly upset
Mourning
Over absolutely
Nothing?
It’s full of angst
Unfocused, blind rage
And the guilt,
When I can feel anything at all,
Is overwhelming
Because I don’t deserve
To waste these sad words
They should belong to those
Who have earned them

Why does everyone try to
"Not upset" me?
What the hell?
What's wrong with being upset?
If I don't hurt,
How do you ever expect me
To deal with it?
To learn from it?
To grow as a person?
I know you're trying to protect me,
But here's the thing:
STOP
I'm a big girl
I can deal with it
It's really okay
I know how to cry.

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


Would you.... would you just....
Slide a delicate blade
Into my soft flesh
Then twist it slowly
It would hurt... wouldn’t it?
Please...?
Would you?
For me?
Because I’m not feeling well
And I can’t release it right now
So it’s festering, enlarging
The urge is so powerful...
I’d like it to hurt...
Not too bad...
Just enough...

What happened to me?
I used to care
About absolutely everything
I'd weep with my sister
I'd make sure I always did my work
I was never late
And it mattered to me
But now,
These things don't seem to matter
In my head, I know what they are
I know how I ought to react
And then I find myself
Utterly blank
I just don't care
Did I realize what was trivial?
Or did I lose some of myself?
I truly can't tell.

Fight valiantly,
My friend
With all your
Grace
Fury
Power
Because this place
It needs you
So desperately
It aches for your presence

So, my friend
Fight valiantly
With courage
Against the
Faceless enemy
Who seeks to crush you
To own you

You are worth more than you know
You are worth the life of the Universe
You have not lost more than
You have to gain

My beautiful friend,
Be kind to your vessel
Take care of it
For it belongs to you while you reside here
In this fallen place
Don’t hate your spirit
For your vessel’s flaws
For they are so temporary
They are nothing

Friend,
Please, I’m begging you now
Fight valiantly
Because you belong here
There is a purpose for your
Existence
And you are loved more than you
Can even fathom

Please, friend

You are valiant.

I've been fighting so long
In this awful, ****** war
I'm deeply tired
Wounded, scarred

I want to surrender

The voices screaming
"Give up," "You can't win"
"You'll never escape this"
"You'll never escape us"

I want to surrender

But there's this force within
Keeping me breathing
Swinging my sword
When my own strength fails

I want to surrender

I am reminded by it
That I can't give up now
There are better things coming
My fight cannot end here

I want to surrender

I suppose, there must be
Courage inside of me
Because despite its allure
I have yet to give in

I want to surrender

And it is the act
Of overcoming this desire
That proves to me
I fight with valor

I think I’d very much like
To twist myself into a ball
To fold in on myself
And vanish from existence

There was a version of me
That wanted this
That wanted what I now have
Doing all the “functional” things
Looking alive
But she never could have anticipated this
I hate it
I don’t want it

ANY OF IT!!!

Take all this **** away from me
Just let me live
I know I’m betraying her
I’m betraying her dreams
I don’t want to give up on her
But she was misguided and confused
And now I’m suffering for it
I don’t want this
I don’t want this life
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t

TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!

My heart screams
As the first tears in ages
Well up in my eyes
But they won’t fall
Because I’m not that sad
There’s too much serotonin in me
And dopamine
And norepinephrine
Because I’m ******* drugged
And I want to WEEP
But... I... I can’t...
I’m just unsteady
Unstable
I’m not okay
I’m not okay

I AM NOT OKAY