The first time I saw her,
everything in my head went quiet
All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images
just disappeared
When you have obsessive compulsive disorder,
you don't really get quiet moments
Even in bed, I'm thinking:
Did I lock the doors? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
Did I lock the doors? Yes
Did I wash my hands? Yes
But when I saw her,
the only thing I could think about
was the hair pin curve of her lips,
or the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek—
the eyelash on her cheek
I knew I had to talk to her
I asked her out six times in thirty seconds
She said yes after the third one,
but none of them felt right,
so I had to keep going
On our first date, I spend more time organizing
my meal by color than I did eating,
or ******* talking to her,
but she loved it...
She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye
sixteen times or twenty-four times
if it was Wednesday
She loved that it took me forever to walk home
because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk
When we moved in together, she said she felt safe,
like no one would ever rob us
because I definitely locked the door eighteen times
I'd always watch her mouth when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked—
when she talked
When she said she loved me,
her mouth would curl up at the edges
At night, she'd lay in bed & watch me turn all the lights off,
& on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off, & on, & off
She'd close her eyes & imagine
that the days & nights were passing in front of her
Some mornings, I'd start kissing her goodbye,
but she'd just leave because I was making her late for work
When I stopped in a crack in the sidewalk,
she just kept walking
When she said she loved me,
her mouth was a straight line
She told me I was taking up too much of her time
Last week, she started sleeping at her mother's place
She told me that she shouldn't have let me
get so attached to her,
that this whole thing was a mistake but...
How can it be a mistake that I don't have
to wash my hands after I touch her?
Love is not a mistake,
& it's killing me that she can run away from this,
& I just can't
I can't go out & find someone new
because I always think of her
Usually, when I obsess over things,
I see germs sneaking into my skin,
I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars,
& she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on
I want to wake up every morning
thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel,
how she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe,
how she blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out candles—
blows out...
Now, I just think about who else is kissing her
I can't breathe because he only kisses her one,
he doesn't care if it's perfect!
I want her back so bad...
I leave the door unlocked
I leave the lights on
Neil Hilborn <3