I won't give up this time because I am strong.

Please, take me away to somewhere that feels like home.

It started with a phone call.

Sweat drips down my forehead
my mind is jumbled
my
pulse races
irr  e  gu  l  a  rl  y
and my heart is
its competitor.

The room feels smaller
and the faces around me
b
l
u
r
into nothing.

What is happening?
Why can’t I breathe?

I can’t stand up right,
my palms too sweaty
to grasp
the
nearest
surface.

It started with a phone call,
and it ended with a hard
crash
to the floor.

I love you but you love her and it *****.

I watch the shadows grow tall while time ticks on

I am sick of trying and never finding any peace

It's 3:05PM and as I sit outside in the warm sun, the sounds of a vacuum off in the distance and maybe a few cars that pass by, it dawns upon me: I don't need you. You don't control me. Whatever hold you had on me is gone, and I have come out the other side victorious and better for it.





Have a nice life, *******.

my mind
craves
what my
heart
is afraid
to let
in

*—love

Saturday morning jumped out of bed,
screaming out the words I dread,
"I think I love you."
I'll be doing this, if you ever doubt,
till the love runs out.

[And] what would I do without your smart mouth,
when the days are cold, and the cards all fold?
[I would tell you,] "if you'll give your all to me,
I'll give my all to you,"
[but,] all you ever did was wreck me.

My head's underwater
'cause all of me loves all of you.
This isn't how I ever saw it going down.

You [would] call me at night,
and I [would] pick up the phone.
And though [you'd be] telling me,
I [knew] you [were] not alone.
You say that you'd take it all back,
that the past is the past,
it was a moment of weakness
and you said, "Yes."

You said, "Can't you just get over it,"
but do you honestly expect me to believe
we could ever be the same?
It’s hard to deal with the pain,
but I’m doing It.
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends,
but I’m doing It.

No... no, no, no...
You should've said "No", baby,
I shouldn't be asking myself, "Why?"
Cause what [you] did to us was tragic,
and what we had was really magic.

[But] you really don't need to worry,
[though[ you can see that I've been crying,
it turned my whole world around,
[but] I'll be alright.

[But] what hurts the most was being so close,
and having so much to say,
and watching you walk away.
[Though,] we were bound to be set free eventually,
I just wish I knew then what I know now.
That according to you: I'm stupid, I'm useless,
I can't do anything right. According to you
I'm difficult, I **** at telling jokes,  
boring, [a] girl with the worst attention span.
According to you, I’m moody, can’t show up on time, hard to please.
You’re the boy who put up with that.
According to you.

Why you gotta be so rude?
Don't you know I'm human too?
I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated.
You said that I’m a disease.
Why you gotta be so rude?
[Well,] there are many things that I
would like to say to you...

[And] I know better than that, “don't let them in,
conceal, don't feel,”
I know better [to just], “let it go, let it go.”
I was completely not me,
but baby I'm coming clean.
[You’re probably scared to find out]
if I could say anything, anything
what would it be?

[It would go something like this.]
Yesterday I found out about you,
even now just looking at you feels wrong.
Wanting you, to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
I realized now I deserve so much more
than what you give.

[Well?] Loser, loser hope you love her
'cause you're stuck with her now.
Am I suppose to be torn apart
Broken-hearted in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it...

Hey boy I would of thought that when you left me
I'd be broken with my confidence gone.
Hey I'd never would of thought that when you left me
I'd feel **** and so good in my skin again.
I'm so over it, I've been there and back.
Moving on, it's my time, you never were a friend of mine.
[Oh, and] before you go, tell me this:
Where'd you meet that low down, up town,
slept with every guy around, pressed on eyelash, no good,
white trash[-- no,] ...was it worth it?
'Cause every inch of me is perfect from the bottom to the top.

[So] by now I hope you know...

[That] according to [me,]
I look so good without you
got me a new hairdo
looking fresh and brand new
since you said, "that we're through."
Done with your lies
baby now my tears dried,
you can see my brown eyes
ever since you said goodbye.
I look so good, I look so good without you.
I look so good, I look so good without you.

Na na na na, na na na na
hey hey hey, goodbye.
I'm so over it....

How can you not get it? You’re everything to me. You’ve managed to crawl inside my brain and force me to strive for more. You make me want to reach new heights, explore new depths, indulge myself in new opportunities, create new endings, and find peace inside this ****** up world. You came along and you gave a way out from a cold, lonely, and dark abyss that I had permitted myself to get lost in for so long that I’d almost forgotten what the light looked like, or what it felt like to hold another close to me. I had almost forgotten the warmth of another body, the way someones eyes could latch themselves into your soul and make a home there, and above all else, the way the very presence of a person, even for ten seconds, could light up your whole day and just as easily ruin it when they are absent. All too soon, however, you’ll realize the hopelessness inside of me that I’ve become quite acquainted with and you’ll pack your bags and take the first bus to a new lover that will satisfy you with mental stability. I didn’t ask for you to come along, I didn’t ask for you to fix me, but you did and you promised me you wanted to. What’s worse, even, is that it was so easy for you to leave once you’d outgrown me, like a butterfly does its cocoon. You moved on and found a better life, one that better suited you, and one that didn’t involve me. I didn’t ask for you to come along, instead, I begged for you to stay. I didn’t ask for you to fix me, instead, I begged for you to heal me. I didn’t ask for you to leave, instead, you told me you were going. Oh, and if you’re wondering what will happen to me... I’ll just be sitting at the bus stop, hoping and praying that one day you’ll return to me, that you’ll bring me out of my cold, lonely, and dark abyss that grows more overwhelming with each day that passes when you are not by my side.

we fell in love and
      it was like diving into
            the cold, salt water

                                   then one day you just
                               left, waves tossed violently
                                       and we were over

                                                      one day my heart broke
                                                           ­     like glass bottles on rigid
                                                           ­                 rocks beneath water

I am just really tired of not being good enough

I often feel trapped within myself.

I often feel trapped within myself
a prisoner to the mind that drives me
the mind that breaks me
the mind that controls my every move.

I often feel trapped within myself
restrained by the limits I set
restrained by the fear of breaking free
restrained by the body that holds me in place.

I often feel trapped within myself.

You pushed through a crowd
You sought me out
You made me laugh,
And paid for my drink.

I gave you my number.

You texted me every day
You made plans to see me
You held my hand in yours,
And made me think you were different.

I gave you my trust.

You spent nights watching movies
You took walks through empty streets
You sat on park benches with me in the cold,
And let me play with your puppy.

I gave you my heart.

Then one day it wasn't enough,
no--something bigger, something better,
something older, something familiar
shattered what we had built.

I didn't do anything wrong,
You were crazy about me,
It just didn't work out,
You were sorry.

You pushed through a crowd
You sought me out
You made me laugh,
And paid for my drink.

I foolishly gave you my number.

Does she hold you like I used to?
When you were too scared to
pick your head up from my shoulder?

Does she hum to you at night like I used to?
When your mind was too restless
to allow you to close your eyes?

Does she make you laugh like I used to?
When you'd stop only because you felt
like your stomach was on fire?

Does she make you feel bothered like I used to?
Does she make you feel mad like I used to?
Does she make you want to scream like I used to?

Was I ever even enough for you?
Will she ever even be enough for you?
Will she write one of these poems four years from now like I am?
Will she wonder what she ever did to deserve the hurt you caused?
Will she prevail? Will she crumble?

I'm still trying to figure out which one I'm doing.
You have made my life confusing.

Will I ever feel comfortable holding someone again?
Will I ever hum to another late at night?
Will I ever tell a joke just to hear another laugh?
Will they ever make me feel like you did?

Will she wonder the same things four years from now?
Will she think about me then?
She took what was mine
and in the end I wouldn't
be surprised if someone
took what she though
was hers.

What's the point in loving you?

You never even cared.

I am constantly in awe of the world around me.

When you walk in
they look at me,
but you don't.

You don't see
me anymore,
too lost in her
eyes to find mine.

I see you, though,
almost immediately,
and my head begins
to spin until the room
is nothing but a blur,
until all that makes
sense is the one truth:
I'm not over you.

Surely I must be,
it's been months
but seeing you there,
hearing your laugh
as you greet others,
it all comes rushing
back and I don't know
what to do; all I know
is that I'm not over
you, us, I never
really was.

Her hand slides
down your arm and
makes a home within
your own palm, and
suddenly my own
hand twitches, a chill
runs down my spine,
for that hand she's
holding used to be
mine.

Suddenly my face
flushes and it becomes
difficult to breathe, as if
reality had slapped my
cheek with it's cruelty,
as if it had been planning
to rub the sight of you
two together in my face.

When you walk in
they look at me,
but you don't.

You haven't looked
at me in months, and
I can only vaguely
remember how it felt
when you did, like I
was soaring through
baby blue skies on
a bed of clouds.

I was so lost in the
magic, so in love with
the idea of forever, I
guess that I didn't see
what was the apparent
downfall, that you and
everyone else did, of
what we used to call
us.

Now she's entwining her
fingers with yours, her head
resting on your shoulder
when she gets tired of
holding it up in conversation,
but mostly, now she's the one
who gets to call you
hers.

She gets to hold you in the
middle of the night when
you bring her to the kitchen
to grab a midnight snack;
she gets to laugh wildly
as the two of you attempt to
slow dance to classic rock
early in the morning, just
as you've woken up; she
gets to hold your hand
during take off when
she's too scared to feel
alone; and she gets to tell
you she loves you, whenever
she feels like it... whenever the
moment strikes and she can
no longer keep those three
words contained.

I, on the other hand,
get to stand on the
other side of the room
making senseless small
talk while I watch the two
of you fall further in love,
and I get to watch her feel
the way I used to when I
was yours.

When you walk in
they look at me,
but you don't.
You don't see me
anymore, but I see
you, and I still see
us.

I will one day be free of all my pain.

I wonder
if you wonder
about me

You wonder
if I wonder
about you

Together we wonder
if the other wonders
about what could have been

Together we wonder
separately and in silence
both too scared to find out

if you wonder about me
if I wonder about you

His eyes once hypnotized me,
their light crystal blue pools
gliding over me, make me
feel weightless;
now they repulse me,
their unfamiliar cold blue
daggers breaking me with
each glance.
They let me know the end is near.

His arms once held me
securely to him throughout
the night, making me feel
safe;
now I cringe when they extend my way, as if they might
suffocate
me with false love should they
lock
around me.
They let me know the end is near.

His words once served as a form of comfort
to me, they would lull me to sleep
and cause my heart to skip a beat;
now they make me doubt everything
I ever knew to be true, they force me
to swallow my better judgment and
trust that what he feels towards me
is still love.
They let me know the end is near.

The end is here.

I want to call out to you
but you wouldn't hear.

I want to run in front of you
but you wouldn't see.

I want to reach out to you
but you wouldn't feel.

Sometimes, I want to cease my existence
but you wouldn't notice.

No, you wouldn't notice all the things
I want to do, and how each of them
are thwarted by you.

Days like today,
when the clouds
loom overhead
and the chilled
air sneaks under
my blanket to
attack my feet,
I just wish you
were still here
holding me
closely to you
whispering
sweet nothings
into my ear
until we were
both fast asleep.

on a street corner
in a crowded city
you'll see someone
across the way.

up until this point
their life has gone on.
they've had birthdays,
they've cried during movies,
they've said a final goodbye,
they've read books,
and even tasted food.

they've seen parts of the world
that you've seen, and parts of
the world that you haven't.
they've learned how to speak,
hear,
see,
observe,
and live life.

they have friends who live
near and far,
family who call too often,
and family who never bother.
they have experienced heartache,
and they have experienced joy.

they own an entire closet of clothing,
they have accidentally broken dishes,
they have inner desires and needs,
and they all fear life as much as they
crave it, just like you.

up until this point
their life has gone on.
they've collected memories,
they've been through school,
they've fallen in and out of love,
and they've probably not noticed you
the way you've noticed them.

all too quickly you'll realize
that this person has disappeared
down the street and around the corner.
up until now
their life has gone on
and you've only just noticed them,
except now
you'll likely never see them
again.

isn't it just the damnedest thing?

please don't--
tell me--
it'll be okay--

you don't
know this
enough to
tell me--
that

I'm feeling lost.


Oh so lost.


I can't tell
which way is up
which way is down.


I can't see
in front of me
behind me.


I can't feel
to the right of me
to the left of me.


I can't stand
for the ground
has disappeared.


I'm feeling lost.


Oh so lost
but don't try
to find me.


I like it here.