I'm screaming out your name from rooftops at 4am. I think I'll be waiting forever for these dreams to end.

It's been awhile since I've visited here... a lot has happened.

Pretty?
Gorgeous?
Beautiful?
Lovely?
Ha!
You haven't seen what I see in the mirror at 6am.
You haven't seen these eyes wet with tears at 2am.
You haven't seen me bite my lip to keep from screaming out at 3pm.
You haven't seen anything but a picture.
Where, yes, I look relatively decent.
Big eyes.
'Happy'
Nice hair.
I spent so long trying to get it straight.
So please.
Don't compliment me until you see my rawest state.
Because that is true beauty.
Raw emotion.

Town was packed.
But today was a good day.
I noticed you as you put your guitar down from a long hard days work.
We said hello.
I have no idea who you are but something about you makes me feel a certain kind of way.
We start talking, I asked when you were playing next.
You said in 5 minutes.
Great.
Wait.
Where?
Oh another street in Dublin?
Awesome, I'll come.
We walked and talked a bit about ourselves.
You were from Australia.
Halfway over the other side of the world.
We sat in that old coffee shop/pub.
Wait weren't you supposed to be playing again?
We talked for almost two hours.
Then we went our separate ways.
You go back to tour on Monday.
But you invite me to see you again on Sunday....
I don't know much..
But I know I will be writing about you for quite some time..

Phonecalls
Late nights
Your voice
Taxi drives.
Cocktails
Beers
Apartment heaters
Christmas cheer.

I'm
F
A
   L
     L
       I
        N
          G
too fast
too hard
for you.

I CAN'T

How the **** did you get out of the fanzone so quickly....
That doesn't happen...
You like skipped the friendzone so quick...
God...
Come here you,
Get back to bed...

You can fall back to your hometown
Pass a billion pretty girls
Leave me wondering for years

But none of it was real darling
You meant nothing babe
And I told you that it would work
Just so you would stay

And I lost something real that day
I lost what I thought was love
I'm still writing about you
As you travel round with her.

Call me a fool but I can't help but see
Your smile
When I close my eyes..


And I must admit
I do miss you.
And I hate that I know
We will never work.

She is perfect.
Flawless.
Not like me.
She's able to give you the world.
Every bit of it.
I'm sorry I can't.
I can, however, give you every piece of me.
I'll let you break every inch of my heart.
Over and over again.
She would never annoy you.
She is everything you need.
She has the time.
So do I.
But you can't see that.
God. She's so perfect.
And I'm just.....
Well I'm just a girl.
Caught up in the idea of us.

Im sorry I don't make sense all the time.
Sometimes I get lost in flashbacks or daydreams.
I kind of prefer being anywhere but in my own mind.
Sorry if that makes me hard to understand.
People aren't used to my unusually honest rambles.

Ive seen your bandaged soul.
Your past lovers didn't do a very good job.
I've seen your tired eyes.
There's always a new goodbye.
Darling I can try fix the cracks in your heart, in your soul.
I want to bring you back, where no lover was ever told.
How much of a bad job they did.
How many times they ******* up.
Cause babe,
I haven't seen everything.
And you've seen too much.
So let's just talk.
With our minds,
With our bodies,
With our hearts,
And with our souls.

You catch your flight tomorrow.
Wow.
That week flew by.
Where did the time go?
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
A year.
A year till you're back.
*******.
So much can happen in a year.
So much happened in a week.
So it's been 2 days.
Then 6 weeks.
Then 8 days.
One whole year.
This heartache is gonna linger for a long long time.
Breathing my air through you has been the most amazing experience.
Rooftop kisses.
And other things.
Intertwined in each other.
Cool September air.
Our skin.
God.
I'm gonna miss you

I cannot stop writing about you. Every little thing I can remember, I've written it down.
I've written you down.
A permanent stain on these sheets.

You're a dangerous memory,
And at a glance you send me sprinting..
Into dark distant pasts,
Wandering down random paths.
Unsafe city lights,
Fire in your eyes.
The flames, they burned so much..
I haven't had enough.

I found a haven
In the corner of my room
With your favourite book
Wearing your sweater filled with that sweet perfume.

How many times does the average person fall in love?
Hmm maybe 10?
Or is it just once?
I've strongly felt desire.
And I've strongly felt lust.
But only now am I coming to terms with the fact that I have no idea what I feel when I think of you.
They tell me I must be crazy..
But this heartache is stronger than any other.
It's got to be love.
It just has to be.

Screaming thunder
Trembling hearts
The storm is raging
I'm falling apart.
Dream filled kisses
Apartment doors
Smell of your body
Seeps through my floor.
Decay. Decay. Decay.
I wish we could.
For that sweet poison
Forever will burn
Candles wait, extinguishing
Slowly.  Patiently.
We are burning out.
And I'm dreaming of you..
Too much.

Before you get to know me
Let me tell you something.
I've made plans
To make plans
About making plans.
But I'm getting tired of that version of myself.
So before you get to know me.
Here's to never making plans.
We will do crazy things.
Or maybe we'll just sit on your couch.
And we'll go with the wind and see where we end up.
So before you get to know me...
Know that I'm not going to stay the same.
And I'm going to take all kinds of crazy risks.
I just don't care anymore.
Society can go **** itself.
And all of its stupid plans.

It's 3am and I'm fighting back the memories of you.
But you're breaking through all of my defences.
I just need to feel your touch one last time.
I might be greedy but I miss the nights you were mine.
Darling please.
Why did you leave like that.
Whispers in the hallways saying you would love to have me back....
But nothing.
No phone calls.
No messages.
No letters.
It's 3am and the only way you're with me right now is because my memory can't seem to erase any moment of when we were together.

You're my one way ticket out of this lonely town.
You know what the best things about one way tickets are?
They're unpredictable
And right now that's exactly what I need.

You're a Friday night
You're a Sunday drive
You're the parts of life we can't compromise..

You've got a heart of stone,
You've got a promise of gold
You're the only one able to steal my soul..

I don't know.
I've just come to terms with the fact that I might love you.
I locked eyes with you for zero point three seconds.
But in that moment something clicked.
Maybe you have a lover of your own.
Or maybe you're mending scars.
But maybe we could work.
So many people pass by countless opportunities every single day without realising what they are letting slip
Away.
But not me.
I think.
I write.
And that's all I do.
And maybe that's worse.
I keep on thinking about you.
I don't deserve you in my messed up thoughts. Who do I think I am?

It's not that you don't look perfect from down here.
It's just..
The rooftops in big cities are always so beautiful.
And I'd love for our surroundings to be as beautiful as your gorgeous lips, hair, smile, eyes, body.
I just want everything to be beautiful tonight.
And on the ground we can only imagine the skyline.
Now. Tell me.
How do we get up onto that rooftop?

I wish you would have left a little part of yourself here.
Something to remind me you actually happened.
That you weren't just a beautiful daydream.
I wish you could have stayed.

I guess forever was too long for you?

You don't understand how much it burns to miss you...
Scalding water down my spine doesn't have a patch on it...
Flames lick my most sensitive organs, still. Nothing compares to the burning sensation in my soul.
Missing you hurts like hell.
There's nothing cliche about these feelings.

You taught me that I need people who don't like Starbucks in my life.
You taught me to not believe the signs in the city saying 'homemade Italian gelato' until I had tasted homemade Italian gelato.
You taught me not to love until the only thing I can taste in my mouth and in my heart and in my soul was something stronger than any other describable desire.
Well.... I think what all that means is I need you in my life.
I need you to take me to pretty cafés.
Not Starbucks.
And I need to have gelato with you in every parlour in Italy.
Just to compare all the flavours.
But most importantly.
I realise now you want me to love you and hold you in my heart forever.
Because that overwhelming feeling of 'love' that you speak of is pretty similar to the feeling I get when I'm with you.

What have we got in our favour?
The more I think, the more the list of flaws grows....

Age, eighteen.... Thirty.....
That's an alarm bell in itself.
But if I say I'm twenty one, and you say you're twenty six... We can get away with that.

Pasts...
You've done so much, you've travelled and seen the world, you're living your dream. What am I? Some girl from a small town, still living with her parents. That little girl saw opportunity and grasped it in both hands. You like that about her. About me. But you still know I need to live, before I can even dream of loving you right.

Timing.....
That night, our first kiss...
You told me 'our timing is awful.' And honestly it's not the first time I've heard that... And we've moved past that first kiss. Way past it. But you and I both know the score. Because you've got to pretend to love her, and I've got to pretend it doesn't hurt me so **** much that I feel like ripping my own throat out......
But that's life.
'Good things come to those who wait' and whatever other cliche saying exists...

But you know what bothers me most, the biggest flaw in all this. We are in love. But we really really can't be. It's forbidden, but oh so intoxicating.
A beautiful mess.
That we can only clean up in the distant future......
So for now our broken hearts can lay scattered on the floor.

Until we meet again... My 'friend'

Have you ever wanted a break from love.
A break from falling that little bit too far.
Have you ever wanted to break other hearts.
Mending your own shattered thoughts.
Or maybe I just want revenge.
Maybe I want to know what kind of monster you really are.
Maybe I want to know exactly how it feels to have somebody break right in front of you.
Or maybe I just want to feel something.

I'm tired from the phone calls.
And I'm tired from no sleep.
Why did you have to go to university so far away from me...
And for you it's only 10pm
But here it's almost 3
And you're probably our with a drink in your hand with no care or thoughts for me..

It's not supposed to hurt this way...

11.11

It's 4am and I still can't sleep
My insomnia came rushing back the day I met you
I just don't wanna miss you..
Even if that's all I can do
Are my words making sense babe
Are they
Because I'm not too sure
I just keep breathing
Breathing the words
As though inhaling your sweet smell
I cannot stop thinking about you
And it's 4am
And you don't even know me.
And I don't know you.

I kind of wish I'd kissed you goodbye long enough for you to miss that train.
The next one would be there in 10 minutes but 10 minutes more with you would be paradise.
And I know you're out there living your dreams,
And I'm here trying to stop reminiscing over every second we spent together.
It's really difficult lately..
To walk around this city without feeling happy or sad..
Without thinking of where we kissed.
Which was kind of everywhere.
Ha!
But I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you.
And that wasn't goodbye,
See you soon.
Or see you later as you put it.
Can later come already?

She's a masterpiece painted behind the blank canvas.
Such a shame,
All they see is beautiful white.

I don't know much.
I know I can feel something
In my very core
It shakes me
Haunts me
I'm terrified
I think it might be love

Forgetting to be careful.
The most reckless thing I've done.
Forgetting to have mercy.
On this heart of stone.
You smashed right through the surface,
Unsealing all the cracks.
This heartache, like no other.
When are you coming back?

My voice doesn't shake when I talk out loud anymore
And my heart doesn't sink when I see you with her

And my wrists aren't hurt
And my legs are clear

Only thin scars as a reminder that you were ever here.

I've been thinking.
I've had my sights set on that one target for so long and nothing seems to be happening.
I just can't seem to get my aim right.
But then I meet you.
And you're a much easier target to hit.
Even if you're not what I was expecting,
Taking my eye off my goal for that split second gave me the best opportunity.
To meet you.
So just remember..
When you've your sights set on something..
Don't forget to take a break and look around.
Because you never know what opportunity you're missing out on...

I promised that after you I was done with musicians...
But his soul is just so beautiful...
I think I fell again..
And this time,
I know for a fact he did too.

The first was easy.
Smooth.
Like a fruit.
Fresh.
I didn't feel too dizzy.
I didn't feel different.

The second was easy.
Sweet.
Tropical.
It was easier to swallow.
I was getting merrier.

The tenth was sloppy.
Splashes down my dress.
Your eyes watching.
Damsel in distress.

Then you walked over.
Too drunk to see my own reflection.
You made me feel worthy.
You made me feel beautiful.

Your hands were soft.
Of what I can remember.
The liquids numbed my senses.
I had no idea.

Your bed was cool.
Like the ice around my glass.
Removing my dress was easy.
I'd do anything in that state.

I don't remember much.
Waking up bruised.
I tried to get away.
More men than drinks in that room.

What happened to just your hands!
One is enough.
But these hands weren't so smooth.
Prodding delicate skin.

Wrists clearly shown.
I guess they knew what a mess I was
I guess they knew i'd be easy.

Well they were wrong.
And so was I.

The first few drinks are always easy...
But the morning after can be utterly devistating

I'll never find the girl I left at the bar.

I will forever be a peice of those awful men's hearts.
If that's even what you can call them.

My, my, you've lived some life for someone who hasn't been living for too long!
It's as if your soul has the ability to draw the most beautiful adventures towards you.
That, my dear, is a gift.

You spent last night in Amsterdam.
You said it was insane.
Gosh I wish I was with you.
You gave me the option to jump in your suitcase in September.
I think I just might.
After I see how we fit together.
Maybe.
Oh I'm so confused.
These feelings are made for movie screens.
Not my little life!

It's currently 3.40am and I'm laying awake picturing tomorrow.
Your accent spinning round in my mind.
Bringing me back to Friday.
And this evening.
I know you 2 days and I feel like I've known you a lifetime.
It's crazy.
I'm crazy.
Of course everyone I have mentioned you to disapproves.
But I really don't care right now.
The hope you inspire in me is beautiful.
The fact that you think I'm pretty is amazing.
I'm shocked at how well we get along.
And after two days of knowing you.....
Actually after two hours of knowing you...
I think i've fallen once again.
Except this time...
I think you may have fallen a little bit too.....

3 simple words I wish I'd told you.
3 simple words you're up etching onto that page.
Vintage typewriters,
Of course you'd choose the most beautiful method to tell me.
I miss you.

I'm going crazy
Sleepless since the night you betrayed me
Like a movie in my mind it keeps playing

It's too late the damage is done
Leave me up half the night like a re run
I think in going insane
And my heart is breaking

I've got you stuck on replay..
You're stuck on replay..

Tuesday.
Cold.
Dark.
I was worried.
That gut wrenching feeling tangled my insides together so tightly.
'let's take a walk'
Oh no.
What did I do.
What did I say.
'here, Ruth....'
That's my name.
What happened babe?
'I'm sorry.'
No. No. No.
Speak.
Your voice.
Use it.
Why.
What.
'I can't do this anymore.'
What.
'I love her'
Who.
'we've been together a few months.'
Liar.
'I don't want to cheat.'
Did you ever love me.
'you changed.'
I cut myself.
'you're not as happy'
Of course not.
'I can't take it.'
Okay.
Then it was over.
Everything.
Gone.
The only reason I'd held on to life.
Eight months.
Disappeared.
My heart was numb for a second.
That gave me the power to walk away.
But in just a second,
It smashed.
Into a billion little peices.
Walking hurt.
Crying hurt.
The bathroom floor was cold.
I was that girl.
Alone.
On the ground.
Broken.
Then I found shelter in something I'd only ever tried rarely.
The sharp jagged metal launched by my very own fingers caressed my wrist just enough so I could distract myself.
He ******* destroyed me.
And my body.
And my soul.
And my mind.

You taught me why the sky is blue.
Darling I really amn't ready to fall for you..
Spectrums and colours,
I can only take so much.
Forbidden lovers, I've said enough.

We walked down the street
Unknown to you and me
We sat at the bar and talked
For a lifetime
About where we had been
And the city's that we've seen
And the way leaves are changing
And the way the waves are breaking

But we went our seperate ways
With the hope of that Sunday
And other get togethers
Sometime soon

Dancing in my mind
Running through the wind
Your voice plays pretend
With my heart.
And loving you is simple
Until you leave again
Then I'm laying here
Replaying it forever

And that Sunday in the cafe
We drank wine
And fell asleep
But beneath those shining lights
Was a god right there for me

And you'll dance in my mind
Until I fall asleep
And I'll wake up with no Evidence
Of you
Ever on these sheets...

Oh so darling
Can you stop dancing
You're making me dizzy
And I'm losing my mind

Because you're beautiful
And I can't stop
I'm writing about you
In letters
And random napkins
That I find in town


So don't stop dancing...
Because I'll see you soon.
When the moon has the same face
In both cities that were in.

And you'll be with me.
Even just one night.
Oh you'll lay beside me
And keep me safe
And remind me that soon
Again one day
We'll be together
If we keep dancing through
Each others brains...

Stolen hearts,
Never returned.
You left me with a wounded soul.
You left me with a vision of you.
The kiss goodbye came far too soon.
Your heart was stolen,
As you watched.
The thief in the night you never forgot.
Revenge my dear,
An awful price.
10 thousand miles away,
Too far to keep us safe.

But its not just out of greed.
You see, I'm just taking what I need.
For the minute our hearts brushed,
I lost mine and you lost yours.
Clumsily trying to pick them up,
We stole each other's.
*Is this love?

Does love really exist?
Or is it just a silly word used to communicate with someone that your body wants their body. And their body wants your body.
Is love actually a feeling?
People say they're in love
But then in a few seconds of madness they roll over and fall asleep.
Letting out that satisfied sigh.
Tonight I'm thinking love is only a fragment of our imagination.
Created to make us feel less like objects.
But that's all we are.
Objects.