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Jan 2020 · 115
- the sweet storm
A Jan 2020
Come at me wind
make me twirl inside of you,
make my skirt and my hair fly
until I no longer knows where I am
Let me hear your growling strength
and let's see who outscreams who
Make me see that chaos of panic
that is already filling my heart

Come on and push me,
just push me, closer to the edge
staring down at the almost forgotten dreams,
blinded by the fear and the tears
and just when I think I might not fall after all,
that I will just stay here,
you'll throw me down and make me fly
You'll force me to do what I thought I couldn't
what I thought I was not strong enough to do
And this storm inside of me will rage and let go at the same time
and I will be on my way, at last

Please.
Please rage at me my dear storm.
Jan 2020 · 139
- the stories that matters
A Jan 2020
I will make new stories
I must
The old ones are getting sore and stretched out and I refuse to let this be all, to let this be it.
Jan 2020 · 103
- the illusionist
A Jan 2020
All those dreams of how I'll meet you are keeping my chest calm
A Nov 2019
It had been interrupting us all night
That electricity between us that we tried to reach by sitting closer, letting our eyes whisper and our thighs caress longing words to each other, making sure we were always together
Our laughter mixed and our hands clasped in our knees

I swear, that night we could have caught fire

And all those feelings we had craved so greedily finally threatened to explode upon us right where we stood,
drunk and inches away from each other, packed on a trash can, trying to reach the sky from the roof
and I knew that if I just looked up,
we would fall into each other and never come back up

So I didn't

I didn't allow us to scream all that we had felt during the night
Instead, I stared down, hiding from your gaze full of dreams, tucking it all far away in my heart,
stashing it so my boyfriend would never find it
Aug 2019 · 227
- Choking
A Aug 2019
Today the words are too close.
Maybe tomorrow I can breathe again.
Mar 2019 · 1.4k
natural rage
A Mar 2019
What if *** is there just to give us a release,
to let out all the anger and disappointment
we otherwise just stash up behind a smile

Maybe it's a way to let that long finger out
from our pocketless pants
and throw it in their ignorant faces
Mar 2019 · 125
- the one left behind
A Mar 2019
A ******* smack in the face
When you're talking about what you've been doing
over new years eve
over birthdays
over every ******* weekend

And you're not even considerate about my feelings anymore
guess you've forgot the part I was of your group
how important I was

Now, I'm just a friend and nothing more
whilst you continue
living life together
as a whole
Feb 2019 · 251
- What is worse
A Feb 2019
'What is worse' you say,
'is being left
without a choice
and the only thing you can do
is to adapt to the situation
of being alone'

And as I dry my eyes on my hand, I say 'no'

'What is worse is having to face the decision
over and over again
without coming closer to knowing
what is right
or wrong'.

'What is worse' I say,
'is to be next to someone
and still be alone,
and not knowing
if you're gonna crush their world
or ignoring your own.

So no, what is worse
is to never truly understand
what you should
or shouldn't
have done
and yet,
the choice is always at your hands'
Dec 2018 · 337
- the missing dream
A Dec 2018
I just want someone who,
above all,
craves me,
wants me,
desires me
and my perfect imperfections

A passion expressed in love,
not one that turns into insecurity
and disbelief
Dec 2018 · 788
- the other side
A Dec 2018
When your chest is weighing you down,
shrinking you into fetal position,
then it's hard to miss being able to breath lighlty
because every inch of you are trying to resist
getting stuck on the ground

every inch of you are trying to fight those ghosts in your head
that the demanding och oppressing world around you summoned,
called upon,
without bothering telling how you would get rid of them
without even caring if you did
as long as they didn't have to carry it all by themselves

and how could you ever have kept track on yourself
when so many have pushed themselves upon you,
plunged into your heart, forcing them into your hopefull mind,
breaking down the childish, open mind that had survived so far
but not this.
Not this.

And the weight and darkness of everyone else
seeking shelter in your loving soul
took over
leaving no space for you
so how could your clear breath had survived?
How could anyones air not get polluted and trapped?
And how could you even miss the lightness of your breath
once you started to believe it was only a myth
because you hadn't felt it in so long,
you had just felt everyone else's writched breath

But through all this
you found that the ground wasn't quicksand
and yes, maybe your innocence never will fully recover
but you will find the ability to blindly believe again
to throw yourself out there, trusting the leap of yourself
trusting that everything will be solved
because hey,
against all odds,
you just made it through.
Oct 2018 · 275
- with or without
A Oct 2018
The breath
so heavy,
so rough to get out,
sticking in the throat on it's way up
building a block in the chest,
pushing me down
sinking into my stomach,
creating waves of worry,
waves of ache,
forcing everything else away

and I'm left with this storm
raging inside of me
making me numb
making my heart both stop
and race
at the same time
as if it alternately gives up
and alternately keeps trying
so lost in the thunder
that it can't see the way out
any way out

And it's just like us
I just keep giving up
whilst my mind tries yet again,
thinking that maybe this time
maybe I'll get what I need
what I want
what I crave
without really believing it
without any burning hope
just a burning lump
spreading
taking over my body
my mind
and my breath
can hardly push it's way through it
can hardly get out

Just like me
stuck within what used to be us
Sep 2018 · 558
- the unwanted
A Sep 2018
Words
pushing against my chest
longing to get heard,
trying to fit into my heart

Words that I have so carefully
not let in
That I have so intentionally
left outside,
not giving space for them to be spoken

It's just stupid, isn't it?
How they always catch up on you
Whether it's through a sound,
a stroke or simply through a word
How they always stay, no matter how unwanted they are
They always stay

just like you.
Aug 2018 · 383
- the run away
A Aug 2018
You cannot change my decision,
you can only make the pain more thorough

Because, you see, this isn't the first moment we're discussing this
this is only the moment I'm showing it to you
this is only the moment I'm sure I'm done.

Because
I've been on my way a long time now,
I've just clinged on
a little while longer
But.
The decision is already taken,
no more words can postpone it
I'm already gone
Aug 2018 · 500
- the denial
A Aug 2018
I hate it every time the feelings find you
before your words
And then, after two years, one minute or five hours
or whenever they bother showing up,
it's like your heart and your stomach just sitting there
saying "we told you so"
and you hate them for speaking so clearly
whilst you refused to
Jul 2018 · 702
- the coming home again
A Jul 2018
I love how my voice feels
after being gone
for so long

but
it also makes me sad to realise
I haven't heard its strength,
not since I met you
Jul 2018 · 734
- The long gone summer
A Jul 2018
I miss how the smell of grass made my feet smile
how the sun made my belly tickle
how the waves made my heart jump with fascination
and how I made myself feel safe

How the clear blue sky made my mind full of hope
how the birds made my ears relaxe
how the gravel made my legs extend
how I gave me joy

I miss the summers innocence
mixed with my childish naivety,
when all it took was a day full of summer
for me to be full of light
for me to feel happy
Jun 2018 · 552
For my sisters and me
A Jun 2018
For all of us who have bashed ourselves numb
trying to be there
(for our brothers)

For all of us who have locked our hearts inside
settling with a joke
(for our fathers)

For all of us who have loved them more than ourselves
more than we could handle
(for our men)

For all of us who keeps putting our friends before us
always coming last place
(for our loved ones)

For all of us whose hearts are out there, feeling with everyone
trying to save strangers with one look
(for our fellow humans)

For all of us who can have amnesty and forgiveness to all others
seeing their imperfections as beauty
(for everyone besides us)

For us
We will learn
We will sympathize
We will passionately love ourselves
more than we have loved anyone else

At last
we will free ourselves
Apr 2018 · 346
Soft
A Apr 2018
Let the soft stay with you
Do not change it for brutality,
Anger
Stress
Pain

Instead,
let it keep you
and them
Let it spread over the trees,
through the meadows
Let it tangle itself in the black curls of scarred people
Let it grow inside of everyone
Let it let you remain yourself,
the soft, wonderful being that you really are
A Mar 2018
all it took
was one sunny day,
together with whispers from the birds, saying that
it will come

and the asphalt under your shoes tells the same story,
the same as the trees, longing for cover
as well as the smiles of the long forgotten people
(and their happiness mesmerizes you)
and suddenly, even the snow with its final breath agrees
that ****, it is probably coming

And the conflict starts.

your heart that screams of drunkenness,
of wanting to burst, to be too **** high,
of being alive
crashes into your logic, your brain,
saying “but this is good too”
that this is the balance you need,
the safe, the expected.
the love.

but when you’ve been starved for the ups
the whole winter,
eating only cold, white life
it is hard to listen
and the colours of spring entices you,
making the black and white,
the sense,
draw its last breath
as you walk away into the spring
leaving all the beauty of winter
to thaw out,
leaving no trace
except for a constant reminder of the
cold parts in you that will never be warm
Mar 2018 · 161
- the murderer
A Mar 2018
To many boys
have put their life in my hands
Forcing me to choose
between mine or theirs
And who can endure with so much blood on the hands?
Mar 2018 · 164
- the worn down
A Mar 2018
I hear their accusation in their tongue
so desperate for me
Blaming me for not being what they want
what they need
Even though I never promised them that
Even though every inch of my body have openly
and strongly showed them the opposite
Even my lips has hesitated,
not wanting to give too much away
And still
here they are
breathing so quietly that I need to give them what they crave
without even considering that this was their doing
Mar 2018 · 177
- the unreasonable demand
A Mar 2018
Once they’re here
I know I’ve got them
and I hate it
or
I hate how it makes me feel
every **** time
Like I own them the world
Like I’m unnatural for not loving them the same way
for not pouring and wasting my so pure love
that I don’t even know anymore if I have
For not wanting to depend so entirely on another person
than myself
This.
They can not demand this from me
For it is not their right to demand
Who i decide to share my soul to
other than myself
Mar 2018 · 192
- the intrusive
A Mar 2018
All these boys
pushing themselves in
screaming, crying for attention
for healing
for the love they think I own them
Disrupting me
from giving the love I need
to myself
Mar 2018 · 168
- the pouring rain
A Mar 2018
The words
pouring out of me from
every finger
As if they’ve only been waiting
for me to understand
And I don’t know why that makes me sad

to think
of my unconnected nerves
Mar 2018 · 244
- the struggle to accept
A Mar 2018
I have to let him go
and accept his loss
My loss
of what could have been
But would never have
Mar 2018 · 235
- the fight to convince
A Mar 2018
I cannot
I will not
I should not take his life in my responsibility
For it is not for me
to heal
Mar 2018 · 150
- the blame
A Mar 2018
It wasn’t my decision
to tear him apart
He did that good enough for both of us
Mar 2018 · 158
- the rage, at last
A Mar 2018
I am raging
at the thought of him
building himself a home inside of me
Despite my protests
despite me not wanting
his
homelessness
on my conscience
Mar 2018 · 145
- the rational
A Mar 2018
How can I be so lost
within myself
that I don’t even understand
what my own heart is trying to say
to me
Because my mind,
The only thing I can control,
Keeps screaming
(just like I screamed when I tried to let myself go)
Mar 2018 · 151
- the wishful thinking
A Mar 2018
If I could connect my mind with my heart
Maybe I’d be whole
and stable
Mar 2018 · 131
- the going back
A Mar 2018
His words still lives within me
and I let them out,
sometimes when I’m not even aware of it
When I make you say something
and it has him all over it

And your innocent eyes brings equal pain
as the words does
Mar 2018 · 155
- the neverending conflict
A Mar 2018
And how can you ask for less
Than all of me
and
how can I give you all
When I don’t even find it myself
Mar 2018 · 151
- the crowded
A Mar 2018
This shattered home inside of me
that I in desperation tore apart
Stomped to pieces
Wrecked out of me
Out
Out
Out
left nails and wood and pieces of furnitures
(like his bed when he lies awake, lost and torn apart)
And I keep bumping into them
Keep stepping on sharp edges
Making me lose my breath,
my balance
My way
And I don’t know how to get them out


And how am I supposed to build a home
with you
when I’m already full
of broken wood
of the last inherent
Mar 2018 · 126
- the tired
A Mar 2018
I cannot keep going back
to see if he still lives there
In my heart

— The End —