We both know this is it, even though we don't mention it. And I guess this silence is the last I'll never hear from you.

I've found my words in so many poems, lyrics and books before I've found them in my mind

The worst part is that I actually never needed him

- but what took so long was to realize I needed myself more than he needed me

Now I can barely recall that which used to destroy me

I never felt alive with you.

When the world is out of breath, I climb back into your arms, pretending it's where I belong.

The sky is infinite and I will not be stuck here.

I fell in love with a possibility, yet nothing was possible

I hate it every time the feelings find you
before your words
And then, after two years, one minute, five hours, or whenever they bother showing up,
it's like your heart and your stomach just sits there
saying "we told you so"
and you hate them for speaking so clearly
whilst you refused to

It was Sunday and you asked me to stay but I never meant to linger here for so long, so I pulled back, retreating from my line you tried to cross

Smiling, so you wouldn't taste the hesitation on my lips,
talking louder to hide my hasty breath,
giving you sweet promises of nothing, pouring it out like syrup on those pancakes I never stayed for

And I don't think I've ever needed Monday as much as when I walked home, self-starved, carrying all my weight and bricks with my sticky fingers

You, trying to convince me i was hard to love, when i drip of sun and sweet magic

Do you also think we could have been? Like been for real, full on.

Like that time you couldn't stop listening to my heart or those evenings when you snuck out just to say hi or those million of nights when we just didn't want to hang up.

Like imagine if those moments could have lasted longer, if we could have lasted longer. If life actually had let us.

I do think so. That we could have been. Real, full on, the thing that really mattered. Just us.

Now you still matter, it's just that we're nothing.

Life disturbs my dreams

Or is it the opposite? I don't even know anymore

I have no sorrow, still it takes up so much space in my heart today

I always wanted to blow my mind

To get swept away,
dance through roses and sorrow,
colour my soul with the paint from the sky,
to tickle my belly with the sun, even when it's grey

I never thought I actually would

And then, I never thought I would be stuck here

In dreams, melancholy, fantasies and daydreams about skies so beautiful I would never ever want to look outside my soul
And warmth so tempting I could never feel the refreshing cold reality

I just never saw this coming

And it just feels impossible, you know?
To go from fluffy, yellow mist to harsh, sweet life
To be awake, to not go back to safe, old dreams
To ignore the moon smiling at you, to stop believing you're actually going to be special
because in an ordinary world, the only way you are someone is in your head

I've laid countless of times just staring at the ceiling, watching the shadows, watching my mind

I just can't stay like this
- feet on the wall, stomach on the ground, chest all over the place and logic nowhere at all

This - getting glimpses of all that could have been - it is torture for the soul

I've spent too much time on the bathroom floor, asking my tears to be as silent as they can, for us to ever be okay again

I don't know when it happened but it just started getting heavier

Getting up
     it could take days
Going back to sleep
     it could take years
Putting away my phone
    it could take forever

And do you also think gravity is getting on me? Doing its best to make
                      everything
                 so
        ****
heavy

As if I should be punished for wanting to stay up in the clouds
                everywhere I go
                                         everything I do

As if I should not get any release
As if I should have learned that I must not escape to pink skies and air
As if I should have gotten used to loving grey ceilings, asphalt and wind just as much

As if there wasn't anything else to long for
As if this should be it
As if this actually is it.

I gave up on being me with you

You said that what was me was naive, wrong, weak and difficult
You ripped it out, threw it on the floor and said ' Look at this mess! Look at what you've done!'
And I raged, refused to clean, tried talking sense, screamed 'well look at you!',
cried 'just look'
Until I turned myself inside out to see what you meant
until I started seeing it too
Until I also wanted to rip those parts out of me, rip out what was me, what used to be me

Until I stopped being me with you
And became a hollow shell of you

I think I started giving up on us when you asked me to be you
but I still stayed longer than I should have
because I wanted you to see
how absolutely beautiful you could be before I returned to myself

"Because they want to" is never reason enough. It is barely a reason at all.

I awake full of you and nothing else
and when the dreams sink back,
I have nothing left

I'm mad at myself for wanting something more than me. How can I not be enough?

You just have that effect on me
where you get into every inch,
fill every cell,
until you are perfectly everywhere

Until all I say is you,
until your taste,
your cool tongue against mine,
is all I can breathe

Until I can't see,
blinded by the spark in your blue eyes,
making everything turn into your color

Until my words of you
are just pouring out of my fingers,
trying to grasp as I write you down

And you even make me wake up
with your name ringing in my head,
as if I've been calling for you all night

And I know our memories back and forth,
I've visited them so often that they are tattooed across my mind,
carved into my chest,
so even my heart knows when to skip that beat

But it just gets hollow,
filling myself up with old memories,
so torn and tormented,
so far away from you

Like I'm living out of old air,
to thin to give any real release
but to lightheaded to stop

I've written a hundred books in my mind,
longed thousands of nights,
dreamt a million days away
and yet, you are not here

It broke into my fantasies, crushing my daydreams. Making my longing break into an ever higher pace whilst the rug was pulled from under my feet. Facedown, sweat and tears, blood and pieces. Tasting the rock bottom, falling from the clouds. Breaking my bones, my connection to you, making me blind.

It really did break my heart, seeing you two.

Broke it in a non-refundable kind of way, a permanent way. Broke the pieces I'd left of you, for you, saved, so that we could one day return.

It's just so in your heart, this whole day

Like up in your throat, in your chest and just everywhere, blocking the sun from warming you up

Filling you up with a scream, making you desperate to get out, to run, but making it impossible to move. Making you unable to tear away from this sinking feeling, dragging you down

Swirling into your mind until it's all you can taste, blinding your eyes until it's all you can feel

And it just eats you up, leaving you numb for days til the point where you cannot remember how beautiful your mind used to be, because there is no way it ever was

And then it stops. And for a gorgeous while, you can breathe clear air again.

Until it starts all over.

You were mine before I even had myself
and we twirled together, forming intertwined parts were it was impossible to see where you started and I followed

And I held on to you for so long,
like who I was were so dependent on you staying a part of me,
on you staying with me,
for me, in me,
as me

You are so much closer to me tonight
even though it was half a life ago since we last spoke

And the words I have written about you,
the words we shared every night,
our words,
they are ringing so loud in my ears

As if we were still there.
As if life never happened.
As if the nights and the words still belonged to us

me, wanting to be alone whilst feeling so alone at the same time

I never truly understood the meaning of 'devastated' until I was

I'm packing all my dreams and fantasies together with my summer dresses and my bare feet. I make sure to fill my heart and bag up with so much joy that I definitely will be disappointed when I don't find you this summer either.

I keep letting you in,
forgetting that I don't know what to do with you
I try going back, visit us when we were we,
I try to imagine you in my future,
I even try to fill my present with your name on my tongue
but I just can't find any place where you can stay,
where I can make you stay

And it's just such a waste, that's all,
because every scenario of us still makes perfect sense

They say that the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane
and as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling
whilst emotions are throwing themselves
all around my chest,
I say that a thought can create a hell lot more of a mess

Men will never feel how much heartache your sisters can bring to you. They will never know how much hope and despair that can fit into your softly chosen words, the ones you balanced on knife edges to find. They will never have to turn themselves inside out in order to do so, they will never even have to find them. And they will never grasp how fully your life can stop as she refuses to look you in the eyes.

Men will never have to learn the sinking feeling of emptiness as you realize you couldn't help after all. Not this time either. And they will never experience how much this will break your heart.

No, men will never understand the true meaning of the ultimate words "I've just talked to him and he's really sorry. We're gonna try again".

He'll come back
He always does
Finding his way back into your bones that carried him for so long
Returning to your blood, leaving it burning and cold at the same time
And even your hips will remember his hands, as they reach up towards them
Whilst your stomach will feel the exact same revolting butterflies as it used to

You'll find him everywhere
You'll see him in your words, the ones he taught you to say
In your chest, when it's getting harder to breath
You'll even taste him in your mouth from when you breathed him
From when you let him get into every inch of you
And now he'll always come back
Not for you, but he'll always come back

I'm just so addicted to the feeling of feeling. Of wishing for something more because this can't be it. I want fireworks, smiles that stops the heart, the softest touch of your hand against my waist, explosions and gasps saying all that our mouths can't say when we're breathing in each other. I want a love that you can really feel, that you can touch. I want eyes talking, staring hungrily at me like they just can't have enough. Kisses adoring every inch of my body and you grabbing my hips because you just need me closer to you. I want that. Even if it's just in my head, I want it. So I stay dreaming all my awaken time, knocking me over to feel something more than this nothingness, turning me inside out to find a new angle where I might meet you. Through movies, books, even my own texts. Because I need to feel it to soften this longing. I need to feel like there's something more waiting for me than just these ordinary emotions, this neutral life.

When the world has gone quiet, it's harder to drown out the cries from the chest, to not listen to the desperate longing for more

And when the world is so grey, it's not easy to keep painting your life with colors, not when you're starting to run out of yellow, orange, red and all that beauty that used to make you shine

And when the only person you see is your reflection, it's difficult to not judge what you see, to not glower bitterly at yourself saying 'is this all there is now? Am I just stuck here with you?'

And when the only one you're talking to is yourself, it's just impossible to not notice that the one talking badly about you, the one hurting you, is the only one you got right now and I need to turn this around because oh my god, I wanna thrive with colors and sing whilst I place beautiful flowers in my head and mind, smiling at my own company.

Do my words even manage to make sense of what my heart is saying? I'm just too drunk and emotional to fully understand the meaning of my aching, all I know is that I want more.

People talk about near-death experiences
and I feel like me almost staying with you was one.

Like me settling, saying 'fine, this is fine'
whilst my heart cried for more,
that was definitely one.

And it feels like I've just made it out alive,
my heart bleeding, my mind a mess
and my arms so tired from carrying you
but still, I made it.

It's a hurricane in my chest today and that wind is howling so loud in my mind, so I'll just lay here on my couch and watch how the storm twirls inside of me, turns me inside out, and wait it out.

I just feel so small and everything else is so huge and it keeps piling up on me, smothering me, until all I can see and breath is this wall of musts and responsibility and endless tasks and emotions that won't stop pressing up in my throat and I can't cry, I just don't take the time to do it, everything else is too demanding that I can't even do that, and I don't remember anymore how to relax my shoulder or unclench my jaw and I just can't see any pause ahead, no oasis of breathing deeply again in the near future, no space for just me to be.

And it was just as beautiful as he said it was.
But as I asked him to lift me higher, he put me down and left me there on the floor. And Lord, I don't think you've ever seen anything so black as after you've seen the sun, like truly seen it.

It just makes all the other colours disappear with him.

To all the boys who have ruthlessly clinged themselves upon me, forcing me to make room for them, demanding me to fit into their dreams of me, expecting me to perform, wanting me to take them in.

To all the boys who have made me change for them, rushed my development, taking me out into the wilderness, so far away that I no longer could find my way back home.

To all of you who have shaped me into who I am today, leaving me less naive, so careful of others' feelings after learning to put theirs ahead of my own.

To all of you who have left me shining from all the love, more in touch with my feelings and my gut, a bit harder but beautiful in the adore from your eyes.

To all of you - I am done. I have nothing left to say to you, I've already thought it all. But to myself - I made it home. Bruised, scared and scarred but I made it. And even though it isn't what it used to be, I'm still back and the next time I go, it will be when I want to go and not because of a stupid boy.

I have thought hundreds of poems about you and you have sprayed my name across a town
We have talked throughout the nights and dreamt the days away
And my heart has melted every time your eyes lit up when you said my name

I have missed you so much that it hurts
Wished me away to that **** small town you're trapped within, the one that you longed to get out of, that you clung away from until you no longer existed

And I hate what it did to you

How it got you to color everything black and white,
Got you to stare throughout the nights and sleep the days away
Until your eyes no longer shined of wild dreams and hope
Until you no longer said my name

And if I had been brave enough, if you had let me, I would have taken you away from there,
I would have saved us,
before you became that stranger

And now you will always be the one who could have been but never will be

My heart
swelling
in my chest,
trying to stop
my tongue
from destroying this,
from destroying everything

But


"I can't..."

and just like that
our hearts stop

and it becomes too late

All those thousand dreams of how I'll meet you
is keeping my chest calm

Yet again, we sat on a bench, this time without dark, grey clouds. And we erased away each other from our phones, we took away all that was us. And we said how much we loved each other and we cried. And when we once again walked away, I cried because I had gotten my ending, at last, the one I had wanted for so long. I was finally free from and so I kept crying.

And that was the last time it was us. The last time we met when it was real.

Afterwards, you have been in my mind more than I thought was possible and we have seen each other less that I believed we would, without really looking and never letting each other even a meter close to our hearts, never wanting to risk ever again to destroy everything we have so carefully rebuilt.