I remember getting THAT call... every second.
I remember the STING of the cold air, against my skin.
The JAGGED stains of dirt on my jeans
When I FELL to the solid ground.
...Like I was just STABBED.
Dirt COVERED my hands, that could be mistaken for blood.

I could HEAR the sound... of my heart shattering.
An EXCRUCIATING wave of pain.
I couldn't BREATH.
Choking out tears & Stifled SOBS, until I was nothing.
But, a SMALL mess on the cold ground.

My eyes flicker OPEN,
"Did I JUST die? Am I dead?"
I FELT dead, and empty.
I feel an AWFUL numbness, take over MY body.
I look AT the sky, through scattered tree limbs.
Specks of WHITE fall on me.
My hot face stings WITH every speck.
...with EVERY newly made snowflake
I now see MY breath in front of me.
Staring at the SNOW as it falls.

I am nothing but a SHELL,
I am NOTHING without her.
I live FOR her.
So... HOW do I learn to, live without.
I wish for DEATH.
But, I get CONSTANT waves of numb and empty pain instead.

I hate HER and I can't stand her.
...But I NEED her.
So, NO matter how much she hurts me.
I'd APOLOGIZE for it, and she's killed me so many times.
That if she got MY blood on HER hands, I'd clean them.

I just CAN'T un-love her.

Open mouth kisses
with bed time wishes
that every day i can make him smile
it's been a while

But love me
To love me
it's not that hard
i'll take anything from you
cause loving you is enough

We have our times
we act tough
but we both have flaws
demons to hide
but yours play well with mine

open mouth kisses
and bed time wishes
your cloths smell like me
and mine like you

sometimes...
i wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

There is an cry ever once in a while that suddenly dies down. The tears have vanished away. The battle wasn’t over,their just wasn’t any fight left. There is no way you’re able to be richin gold in reality your nothing but dust waiting to be blown away.

The dark colored clouds block your eyesight. You wonder where did you go wrong. Your filled with so much despair you can’t find peace within yourself. Your useless, alll you’ve every wanted was someone to love. But in the end who loves you in reuturn? Who hears your cires when your abandond  and worthless to yourself?

The mystery doesn’t fade not does the pain crumbles. In the depth of solitude the most outrageous thoughts allign inyour head. Just the thought of a blade slicing through your skin, you begin to  feel whole. You cut deeper to endure this lifeless pain.

Thoose sleepless nights you prayed for help and shelter maybve even love with some type of appreciation. I’ll wish to be stricken blind then to see myself commit such a crime. I’m a prisoner of my own thoughts. Pacing back and forth wondering when it’ll stop.

What happen to a sudden grace , a personal place let alone to be treated as a shut out disgrace. There is no love. I dread having the memory of living once more,  to feel like thereis anything that can’t be done. Who’s crying out for you? Nobody cares enough to even scream your name.



Your nothing but dust waiting to be blown away but then your only human.

Every step I take makes me downfall. Every inch of air I breathe makes me disgusted to be here. I can’t bare captivity. I can’t seem to redeem myself from what was taking from my grasp. The opportunity awaits me to be free . So I’ll walk with me while still perserving my soul

The battle I’m facing has come to an end. This passion for death has suddenly descend. No more weeping sorrows of another one’s untruthfully borrows. No more escaping thoughts as though they intruded my pain and made them linger on further.

Who am I to hold on to the past these dried up tears and this red puffy face. Every one looking down at my misfourtune. Well look again im slowly risen and gaining my purpose. No more saying to myself that this was meant to happen.I’m made to be strong and live by faith.looking in the eyes of the ones that denied me, betrayed me, and mislead me.

My past shall not lead me nor misguide me into the wrong path. Nothing is more unbearable then fighting myself. I’m not alone anymore. I shall love once again and be treated as a human in the end.

I have found my purpose to succeed I am more than what you believe but I am only human you may accept me or be left over in my past in the dying end. I’m only human and no one is perfect.

Oh, dear,
Oh, my gosh,
I hope that no one saw,
I wish that I could laugh,
But maybe someone saw,
Maybe I should hide,
But, ah, whatever,
I'll just pull my trousers up.

I have one too many personalities,
I don't know which one is really me,
So if I'm nice at first, and then I'm mean,
You just met Sally, and then met Steve.

Yes it's strange, But don't be alarmed,
Steve and Sally cause no harm,
Neither does Sarah, or Sammy, or Stu,
But Darwin and Devin and David sure do.

Be cautious around us,
The villains I named,
You won't know who's who,
We all look the same.

Half of us would hug you,
And falsely reminisce,
But half of us will **** you,
So in this cell we sit.

Hush, little sister
Please don't cry.
I wish I could be there
To sing you a lullaby

I can see your arms
Bloodied and bruised
That's strange, little sister
Mine were like that too

I know you scream
When mommy's there
Hush, little sister
I know you're scared

I can see the way
She's hurting you
I'm sorry, little sister
She did that to me too

I know that people
Ignore what's going on at home
That makes me angry, little sister
You shouldn't have to be alone

Hey, little sister
You want to know why I'm not there?
It's a sad story, little sister
But people should care

You see, little sister
One day mommy got high
You were asleep in your crib
So you didn't hear my cry

She screamed at me
And smashed my head against the door
While you slept, little sister
I died on the floor

You know, little sister
I don't think that I would have died
If someone had only bothered
To listen to my cries

But hush, little sister
Mommy's coming home
Quick, get into bed
You don't want her to find you alone

I'm sorry little sister
She's in a bad mood
Run while you can

Uh oh little sister
She's lifting her belt
Scream while you can, little sister
Call for help

Hush little sister
You don't need to cry
No one can hurt you
You're in my arms tonight.

"The people around me,
They don't know yet.
they don't know..."
That you're the only one...
"Only one---- only one--"
-Look AT US!!!
"I DO!!!"
WE ARE REAL
      I cover my face,
I've started rocking again.
... Something to sooth an infant,
so why not me?
Because 'we' are here
No...
Say it, where WE can hear you
"no... No... NO! NOOO, No---- no, no, no."

I feel my fathers hands on my shoulders
shaking me, awake.
Another nightmare, I hear.
He holds me in his arms,
drenched in fear and sweat.
They've gone...

A stabbing pain
in my head
not knowing...
I'm already dead
my mind has fled
to the great unknown
As I lay awake
alone...
In the gypsy field.

Never again,
will my lucky numbers be:
17, 23, 19, 21...
My stomach turns,
when I turn the volume to 27.
... So I lower it to 16.
3 letters that scare me,
5 weeks for a life to decay.
One deer smiling
the other solemn,
eyes glazed over.
I am within the stars.
Orion, but without his belt.
I count the stars,
one, two, three, four----
A bug buzzes in my ear...
And I come down falling,
like a shooting start.
But it's not a beautiful sight.
And the bug,
The bug had to of stung me----
Because it hurts.
My eyes are closed...
But I have to ***.
I must make my legs leave.
Fast.
GO.
NOW!
AS FAST AS YOU CAN...
... just run?
I'm here...
The bug bite stings,
I want to sleep.
To dream,
A dream better than this!
But flash backs from the stars
Plague my mind-----.
I didn't dream...
I didn't dream a dream
better than this...
The bite is gone,
but it left a mark.
A mark the size of
a 7 to 8 year sentence.
And I used to love riding my bike.
But now...
I can't stand the sound it makes.
The seat.
The handle bars.
How at any moment,
The peddle could make you crash...
SCRAPPED, CRASHED, BURNED.
I'm safe...
'Not safe yet', Police say.
I hear chatter over their radios.
Why can't I tune everything out?
... Why lie,
But the truth was never any better.

And my eyes,
Why are they so dull and grey?
I could have sworn,
they were bright blue,
Like the sky...
But there's no color left.
3 letters that scared me...
3 letters that took away,
the color in my eyes...

My heart stops
& I have to check,
Just one more time.
I know it's not him,
But I'm terrified either way.
      I hate it,
When they look at me.
When 'he' looks at me,
Watching me...
      I know he does,
Because I'm on edge.
He threatens my family,
with nothing more than a stare.

& I want to run.

Typical Teenagers
Happy, sad, sleepy, mean,
Feelings often change,
a common act of a typical teen,
I find it rather strange.
Talking to a friend,
or sending them a text,
they talk for hours on end, what'll they think of next.
They'll leave their room a mess
and give cleaning it a miss,
but yes I must confess to also doing this.
They think their folks are ancient, and utterly unfair,
the result is to ignore them,
before they start to swear.
Their music cracks the ceiling, and makes their parents fume, emotions always reeling,
and more time in their room.
Being a teen may seem pretty bad,
but from experience I can tell,
it's much worse for the mum and dad,
for them its living hell!

I read... Read till my mind is at ease.
To find proof of a terror greater than mine.
Fear the dark... Instead of the men knocking at the door,
always knocking.
Hide n' Seek, My mother and I would play... Every time
The men would knock.
Scream... At the sight of that mask, The mask your brother
would terrorize you with.
Instead of how mother acts as she drank...
And drank & drank, till she fell to the floor.
So I made a game of it...
'Quiet Lion', I whispered as I curled up next to my ill mother.
One day... My hunger got to me.
So, when the men knocked, I ran from my hiding place... & let them in.
Now the game was (Quiet Mouse Still Mouse),
Mother knew how I hated that game...
But I was FIVE & everything was a game.
I'd play house, When mother and I would switch places.
I never can remember us switching back----
Maybe, We're still playing...
If we are, She's really bad at Hide n' Seek.

Walking through the rain,
I try to forget the pain.
I try to ignore the sting in my eyes,
because I know, a strong girl never cries.
I begin to run, run from my fears.
But I am followed by my ever present tears.
I want to leave these familiar places,
leave behind all of these frequent faces.
But where will I go?
What will I do?
All I know is I have to get far away from you.
But something keeps me here,
crying one last tear.

People gawk,
point and stare
wondering if
its really there.
Kids laugh,
giggle and bite
to see if she'll
put up a fight.
when she does,
they're not scared
she'll be treated
so unfair.
Kicked and beaten
struck and hazed,
happened almost every day.

My heart rasing
body quivering
my anxiaty rising
I need someone
to calm me down
but I can't say it
I'm tearing up
I wipe my eyes
but more fall
they look at me
my breath ragged
I feel like I'm gonna die
help me
please
can you see
my frightened words
as I scream
can you hear
my scared voice
Through my eyes

Raindrops on this page
Wind blows my paper away
Oh crap! I need that!

I layed without her
She whispered to me hopes and dreams
Like Paris where she wanted to be
She said it had to be
And with only me

"Do you see my words,
I wrote them in hopes to make
Your day"

"Did you dream of me?
In your sleep, you hear
My quiet voice"

But I never saw those words
Dream of her
I tossed and turned
Bit my tongue
Wrote my stories
Yet I did not sleep

My days are hectic
But I make room
Dream
Paris
See her words

I spill out not only ink onto the paper...
but my soul,
my deepest fears,
a few hopes and dreams,
but also some lost things.

You think I'm weird,
with the way I do my hair.
You think I'm strange,
as you see me change.

What do you see,
that makes you so uneasy.

The wrap around my chest,
or my short hair,
could it be my plaid boxers,
or is it the fact that I'm a girl?

I had given up on love
Or just forgot the meaning
Because for some odd reason
You give me hope.

When I laid my head in your lap
You tickling me with a strand of grass
My eyes closed the warm sun light on my face.

It was at that very moment, that I was at peace
It felt as if you found a way into the gypsy field
Like it was just you and me, even though
Our friends were around.

I felt something,
When you let me kiss your cheek...
But I wonder,
Did you feel it too?

I'm not focusing on the fact of how much
work I have to get finished, by tomorrow.
Because if I DO I'll freak out.
I just focus on getting it done... Not how much.
Chemistry-----
Math----
S#!t...
I can't do it...
I'm smart.
I'm awesome.
I got this.
...
Probably

Things I'm scared of-
Falling in love,
Falling out of love,
Being forgotten,
... the jack in the box man.

Scratch that last one.
But I'm still scared.
Since I got back from the hospital,
Everything scares me...
Love scares me.

I'm with someone; yes you steven.
And yes I'm scared.
You know how I can get so down
That I can't get back up.

But you are scared too.
That I'll leave you.
You're scared of me, that I'll hurt myself.
You are scared to know my past and my mind, cause maybe...
It'll be too much for you,
My problems will become your problems.
And you'll feel just as ****** as I do...

Moving through my head,
like I'm neck deep in mud.
eyes foggy & ears ringing,
losing feeling in my fingers...
'cause I'm gripping my head,
breathing air that's hot
--like fire
Did I close my eyes,
I never can tell.
trembling, I whisper important things.
~keep a hold of your head, PROTECT it~
I lower my head, my life, between my knees;
ragged puffs of air STING when they hit my legs
the floor drops, the mud gets thicker
'til I am encased in it,
in my head,
I'm stuck floating in this fuzzy sensation.

Somethings changed
& the space around me
is whisked away,  I fall
but only an inch or two.
dirt in my hair,
my body is now bare...
but I don't feel the need to cover myself.
My feet frozen,
but I stand, start to walk, then a little faster,
I run & all I hear is the sound of my feet
hitting the linoleum floor------
I know I'm in a narrow hall
even though I can't see.
Smell of disinfectant and stainless steel----
monitors beep and some flat line,
that's when I feel a breeze, more footsteps,
like mine but heavier, faster... w/more urgency.
I stop running, just before a door.
I see it only at the very edge of my vision,
it opens the moment I look away,
this room smells different
I take a step inside maybe two...
before I had the chance to close the door,
someone closes it for me...
I beat at the door 'til my hands bloodied------
I knew... but still I came... & the door never opened.

Grasping onto the person’s throat
Choking the very life out of them
A smile cross’s this  face of mine
Their very last breath of air escapes

As the grip dissipates, it fades
Taking the knife and continuing
Stabbing over and over again

The blood splatters everywhere
The smile returns with each stab
This feeling of joy is indescribably

Pity on those that will never know
This feeling of not pain but, joy
Squeezing the last breath out

Constantly  called insane but,
Am merely misunderstood by all
Being born into a world of pain
Always tormented without reason

Beaten, bruised, and bloodied
No remorse was given, why though
Why is everyone else treated different

Suffering is known quite well
The military cause’s it and it’s okay
But, when people like I cause it,

We get locked up for life
Tortured even more by these people
And we’re the ones called monsters
(Ghost9er)

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear ‘normal’
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn’t be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there’s been many
Who’ve had it worse than I
But that doesn’t always mean
That I wouldn’t say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I’m sorry, but I just can’t see
I can’t see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I’m nothing if I’m not up or down
I’m nothing if just ‘me.’

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It’s hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It’s hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can’t do anything right.
This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life
It didn’t just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

I'm choking down my self worth,
why are the ropes to far away;
Can't you throw farther?
I was set up, why can't you see?
Why must I plea;
Look! I'm down on my knees.
I've worked so hard,
And come too far...
Just to have this pure
Essence of light,
Tarnished.
You will NOT succed!
I wont have it!
The world doesn't DARE
Tear us from each other...

SO . WHY.  WOULD . YOU.

answer meme you spineless fiend!

You look like your mother, they said
To be like her, I'd rather be dead
What mother you know would abandon her kids
Weeks at a time and leave no food there
A trifling mom who didn't seem to care
You was too high to realize that it would affect me over the years
Thought I'd be fine but for many nights shed tears
Having to move from place to place with different relatives
Living with them was a dead giveaway
When you took your love away it felt like God closed a door that day
Over the years I've endured so much pain
Even when the sun was shining mine was filled with rain
You left a scar on my heart that will always remain
I know this may sound crazy, ludicrous, or even insane
If you haven't been through this you haven't felt my pain
Try losing your mother and think your life would remain the same
Well I guess you know now what it's like to have no mom
You lost yours in '97; I lost mine in '85
I bet you were hurt being you just lost your love
But you see you knew your mom; I didn't know who mine was
Maybe you're the reason why I am the way I am today
Hardheaded, stubborn, and don't listen to what people say
I can't stand you, mom, and it shouldn't be this way
Don't worry if not now one day you'll have to pay
I just hope one day I can explain this to my kids
How you were a good for nothing mom and you were never really there.

The people surround me.
I kick,
I scream,
When they try and grab a hold of me.
I punch,
I curse,
I bite.
...
They have no right,
To make me in there image.
...
Don't take off my cloths!
Let go of my binder!
Give me back my boxers!
I'm kicking and screaming with all my might.
...
They have no right,
To make me in there image.
...
Take these ******* off me now!
Get this boobie trap off of me!
Please, take this dress off me now!
...
crying
C-can I please have MY cloths back?

Something is horribly wrong with me.
Everyone can see it.
They will not tell me.
Because you can see it.
But me,
Myself cannot.

An endless game of Hide n' Seek.
Don't you see,
My hiding place !?
It's not hard to find.
So, Why do you not hasten to me.
YOU MUST BE HIDDEN TOO!

Come with me,
For we must stick together.
As we all fear the cold, smothering belly of loneliness.
We shall confide in each other's pursuit for a common love.

When will this game end?
Before long...
For we now dread each other's company,
And long to be found.

The 'Game' turns into emotional torture.
We lost track of the ever burning sun.
Our memories become fabric
And
Our words cut out the shapes we need to keep warm.
Yet, The bitter cold is so ever tempting.

As our bodies together, like a great fire...
I realize-----
Only TWO were playing this 'Game'.

I hate myself for being so rude
I hate myself for watching them ****
I hate myself for crying alone in the dark
I hate myself that i did not made any one to notice my bark
I hate myself for my frantic work
I hate myself for being called defected, outdated, and ****
I hate myself for distracting the attention
I hate myself for always getting detention
I hate myself for not smiling in my life ever
I hate myself for being so dumb and useless forever.
I hate myself for the manner-less things that I've done
I hate myself because I'm loved by none
I hate myself for losing myself in reading mysteries
I hate myself for not having my name in the book of histories
I hate myself for always over thinking on everything
I hate myself for refraining my thinking
I hate myself for living life stridently
I hate myself for living only in my nightmares particularly
I hate myself for the nobbling
I hate myself for my killing
I hate myself for all the pain that I've caused you dad
I hate myself as your 'daughter' was the poison of the home
I hate myself for everything
I hate myself as I let the stressful wail to sing.

She keeps me
From keeping thoughts
In my head

She smothers out
My flames of chaos

Dear Razor Blade,
I'm coping.
I'm moving on.
I'm learning.

I'm changing and adapting to fit in with the emotions swirling around me. Patience is needed so often I had to drill it into my brain. I try to find other methods of dealing with this deep emotion other than letting it bleed from my wounded skin. I can try to find a way to stitch my butchered heart besides coming to you.
I'm coping.

I want to throw you away, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Steps get farther away and I look towards something else. Something better. I want a smile that doesn't come from you sweet kisses, so I go to a happier place. One day I won't come back again.
I'm moving on.

I'm slowly realizing that this life has something to offer other than just tears. I have a smile that is fake at first, but it soon fades into a real one. I look at you and have different thoughts. I don't need you to make my life tolerable.
I'm learning.

I do not like...
                                     not knowing.

Not knowing,
if our lives have meaning.
If our words are just spoken or heard.

If the wish I made on that star,
when I was seven,
ever came true.

Or if moms kisses
really made those scrapes and bruises
heal faster.

Did the tooth fairy
really trade common currency
for my baby teeth?
                                              Or
The bunny hide things
just for me to find...

I wish I knew,
But there are NEVER enough stars...
For the questions,
I wished to know.

Brutality in truth

my lips are on guard

protecting intuitively both

the soft and the hard



Behind silver bars

the hoops cold and round

I find liberty here

beyond unmoving sound



Caged freedom is red

my lips need to seek

the piercings remind me--

think and if need be, speak
(J.B.)